my imagination is not what it used to be. i can't put myself in the right frame of mind to write anymore. everything i write.. stories.. poems.. songs.. everything feels forced. feels fake. i can't even get past the first para or verse.

no sense of love. no sense of heartbreak. no anger. no joy. no angst.

i'm just one walking emotionless blank slate when it comes to writing.

it's not that i don't feel. i still get that slight skip of a heartbeat with the right guy singing the right song. my heart still melts at the sight of the sweet things i witness. my heart still aches and i still cry when i watch sad shows.

and i still have moments of feeling used, abused, and taken for granted by people whom i think care for me, only to realize that perhaps i'm not as important and i had hoped to be. and the whole struggle of trying to be Godly and considering them first before myself still and loving them without asking for love in return leaves that choking feeling in the throat and sick dullness in the stomach.

i still laugh. i still swoon. i still hurt. i still cry.

but that pen is just not doing anything on the paper.

time to stop writing.

Sometimes, it's better to pretend that it was only just a dream. Rather than to ask and know if everything was a lie and just a show, it really is better to pretend that it was just a dream.

life is as bad as you make it out to be.

you can choose to sulk your way through as you live it out. or you just let it go and not let the negativity get to you.

it's really not a new revelation. but just reminded of it during my 20min dash through Narita airport to get from one delayed flight to another that was delayed thanks to the first one.

i could have chosen to be pissed off with Delta for grounding me for one hour in Detriot. I could have panicked about missing my flight. i could have sulked my way while running through Narita to catch a flight or feel miserable about missing a flight.

why would i want such negative aura in my life? it's just too tiring.

of course i was pissed off at first. but taking a minute to calm my nerves down, i realized that if i miss my flight, i'd just have more time in Narita airport and the later flight would be paid for by Delta anyway. i had my credit card and laptop, all i needed would be just to find my checked in bag. when i reached Narita, i had 20 mins to catch my next flight. no biggie. just brisk walked through the airport and took in whatever sights i could. it's out of my control so there's no point with getting upset, right?

in the end, i found 5 seconds to pause at the bridge to capture the sunset.

so what if it sounded like a stressful birthday alone?

there are times where one's just got to keep calm and carry on, even when it makes no sense to. even if there are so many reasons to get pissed with the world. but what good does that do?

as I hopped into the chrysler taxi at the airport to head home, i watched the night roll by outside. turning back to my phone, i took another look at the sunset at Narita airport. even in moments when there are so many moments that sound stressful or awful, He finds a way to remind me that it'll work out in ways i don't understand and don't usually expect.


a year older; a year wiser; a year of understanding Him more and falling more in love with God.