"Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me. 'Cos i'd already know."

- Extreme, "More than Words"

i got a nice treat when SE and Ja came over to serenade us in the Booth with Extreme's "More than Words". and no one could stop them 'cos they were doing it on their own accord. plus, their backs were facing the rest of the room. i adore the boys. i really do.

i know that "words" rank high on my language of love. but let's just say that someone reminded me tonight that sometimes, you really need more than words. ^-^

nearing the end of the first month of the first year. i'm still wondering where this year is going to take me to. the vacations are somewhat planned. the bags are awaiting to be packed. wanderlust still seizes my heart as i wonder when i'm going to find myself resting on a foreign bed with that new pillow in my arms, staring at the alien ceiling not like that of my own bedroom. then sigh at the end of each vacation as i unpack the loadful of bags, staring at familiar four walls just knowing that i've crashed back into reality again.

don't get me wrong. i do enjoy being in the land of the mythical spewing creature. but i adore tripping out of it to get lost in a sea of unfamiliar friendly faces, especially places where there are Nando's chicken restaurants.

that thrill of filling up the passport with multi-colored stamps has overstayed. including, that joy of picking out little soveneir pins for my decorated travelling buddy to highlight the places i've been to. perhaps it's that certain freedom from minimal commitments (like housing loans) that contributes to it, huh?

i'm done with solo trips for a while. of course i like my time alone. but for now, a few hours with a decent book and good coffee in a tiny cosy cafe to the soft strains of gentle acoustics will suffice. the rest of the time, i'll probably be going insane with different people, in strange places striking stranger poses.

for now at least. but i can count on that solo instinct to pack up one day and head out again with me, myself and i. someday. not yet. someday. it's really not as bad or as scary as most people think. in fact, it's incredibly liberating. to be able to make a complete mess of your room and know that it's not going to bother anyone near enough to annoy you with their nagging.

First up, i'm returning to home on bintan for my yearly audit. visit one in march! i can't wait. Back to the dreamy beach acoustics, a good book, fantastic sun and a cold drink. Sigh.

Perfect girl

Step back, let go

You can watch as i crumble in front of you

Take heed, it's me

It's ok to see me crash and burn like any of them

Wake up, eyes open

Come back down to this worldly reality

Hold on, why worry

This is not me going thru temporary insanity

i'm not that girl you think i am

i'm not as strong as i seem

don't speak of me the way you do

i'm not all you make me out to be

i'm no angel, i hope you'll see

i'm not perfect

Breathe out, breathe in

I never promised the world that I would not cry

Hoping, I know

Don't deny me the moments that I fall to my knees

i hurt, i bleed

You cannot ignore the scars that are sketched into me

Eyes shut but you'll see

i am as perfect as the imperfections in me

i'm not that girl you think i am

i'm not as strong as i seem

don't speak of me the way you do

i'm not all you make me out to be

i'm not your angel, i hope you'll see

i'm not that perfect girl

that you think me to be

- SK, Jan 2009

i don't know. somehow, i get the slight inkling that there are people who think a little too well of me. i'm really not as amazing as some people think me to be. those little things i do and say? those times i sat with "you" (i really don't know how many "you's" there are) late at night just to help you work out your walk even though i'm obviously craving my bed at 2.30 a.m because I've a morning class in 6 hours?

i don't want people to think too much about what i do. the actions i take. the words i say. i don't want people to think that they owe me anything. 'cos they don't. i don't want people to think i want anything from them. 'cos i don't.

I've been pondering about that for the past few nights to the tunes of Brian's "Welcome Home" album. Then one of the choruses struck me.

Welcome home, you

I know you by name

How do you do

I shine because of you today

So come here sit down

Tell Me how you are

I know, son, it's good just to see your face

- Brian Littrell "Welcome Home (You)"

that's all i want. that's all i need. that at the end of my road when i come face to face with Him and cry, "my Lord," and He'll look at me and tell me that He knows my name. that He'll look at me and tell me He's watched my victories. that He's seen my failures. and He'll call me to His side and tell me that it's all over. that i'm home.

i've given up wondering why my kind deeds seem to not be reciprocated. why sometimes my service seems one-sided. 'cos everyone will feel that way at one point of time. and Heaven forbid that i do things only because i expect something in return.

to the "you" that i mentioned earlier. i don't expect "you" to stay up 'til 2.30 am with me while i discuss BT or cry. i don't expect "you" to listen to me whenever i need a listening ear. if i could ask for one thing, it wld be that "you" will always remember my service to "you" and know that whenever "you" need that service again, come to me. let me serve "you", my brother/sister.