so my dentist has embarked on a new rubber band for me. I've moved from the Manatee to the Sea Lion.
it's part of his 'plastic surgery' for me.
so he's pushing my upper jaw back and my lower jaw forward. all while straightening my teeth and closing the gaps..., "like korean plastic surgery without the knife."
he didn't mention the nausea inducing headache.
in any case, he made me take a mirror and got me to imagine the effect. at one point, he was pointing to my teeth and said, "… and you have a gummy smile-"
"I do??"
he laughed and nodded before continuing to describe the changes to my teeth, jaw, and face shape.
of which i didn't pay much attention to. because…. wait.. whaaaat?? I have a gummy smile???
from all my photos, i always thought i had a toothy smile. with the braces, I've been hiding my teeth in photos.
and now I learn that I have a gummy smile?? since when? that's what people see when I smile?
just like how people see a geek when i rattle off??
I really don't know me. T-T
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
so i'm finally less than 12 months away from the big three-o.
while as depressing as that may sound, I'm learning new things about myself this year.
1.people think I'm a geek
it started when a colleague was eating Japanese steam cakes. so I casually remarked that in Yakitate Japan, they teach you how to make a Japanese steam cake using a rice cooker. from there, I mentioned the crazy 144-1 layered croissant from the show too. my colleague looked at me and remarked that I was a geek.
it was the first time anyone said that to me. I insisted that I wasn't one... despite being able to retell the story of the deathly hallows ("and death greeted the youngest brother like an old friend..") and recount the battle at helms deep ("should I describe it to you or get you a box?") to the battle in front of Minas Tirith ("Death is just another path... one that we all must take.."). or even notice links between Frankeweenie and Corpse Bride.
so apparently that makes me a geek. I insisted that a true geek games. someone pointed out to me that I can remember some of the MK finisher moves. or that I even knew Soul Age. that not liking stuff like starcraft, dota or warcraft didn't mean I wasn't a geek.
my last thread of hope was that I cooked and did handicraft like sewing and scrapbooking. to which a friend replied, "Sheldon knits."
right.
2. I'm competitive
I don't need to win. I do realise that in every race, there is a loser. and so what if I'm the person who loses?
talking about Dream Team with a friend, I questioned why one of the girls picked certain male celebs to be her partner when they wouldn't be able to win the games. I then listed my ideal partners for any Dream Team challenges. simply because there is a bigger assurance of a win.
I stopped PS3 because my skills are rusty. I don't want to lose to my opponent. after all the blisters from my PS days, I cannot deal with the frustration of losing in stages. do you have any idea how red and painful my hands were after Excalibur or Crash Bandicoot?
I even deleted candy crush within 2 days 'cos I couldn't get through an early stage after 6 tries. too annoying. so yes, I'm competitive.
3. my brain is retarded
going back to AJ Jacob's books, I love the little facts that strike a chord with me. like how Newton was diagnosed with "psychotic tendencies" and literally went mad. and how he had delved into occult practices. then on social norms, it's also interesting to read on utilitarians and deontologists. I love little facts like these. and my biggest worry is that I'll forget them quickly.
then number patterns. 3*37=111. 6*37=222. 9*37=333... I saw these three equations and thought they were rather cool. and a small little voice in my head went, "too bad the combo breaks after 30*37.."
I paused and took a paper out and scribbling linearly, came up with "12*37=444. 15*37=555. 18*37=666. 21*37=777. 24*37=888. 27*37=999"... then a small "oh" slipped out as then pen continued scribbling, "30*37=1110. 33*37=1221."
just before bed, I frowned, "I'm going to forget 'deontologist' tomorrow. don't fail on me, brain. just let me remember this one tomorrow."
hours later, my alarm clock rang. I stirred in bed and slowly turned to face the ceiling and opened my eyes. then a word escaped my lips, "deontologist."
thank you, brain. now if you could do that with the bible, I'd be very very grateful as well.
4. I don't like to have my photo taken
I really really really don't like it. I don't think I'm gorgeous. I think I'm awesome. plain-looking but awesome. and I'm definitely not photogenic. I just really don't like having my picture taken.
as such, I have retarded poses and faces in my photos. just because it being in front of a camera makes me uncomfortable and I unknowingly change to someone else.. (I'm much happier behind it.) problem is, all my retarded faces make me look worse than I already do. as such, I dislike photos of me. if people ask, I try to run from it. but trust me, even if I'm somehow in front of the camera, I'm squirming inside.
now I'm wondering what new insights I'll have in the next few days and months. this year is getting more interesting.
while as depressing as that may sound, I'm learning new things about myself this year.
1.
it started when a colleague was eating Japanese steam cakes. so I casually remarked that in Yakitate Japan, they teach you how to make a Japanese steam cake using a rice cooker. from there, I mentioned the crazy 144-1 layered croissant from the show too. my colleague looked at me and remarked that I was a geek.
it was the first time anyone said that to me. I insisted that I wasn't one... despite being able to retell the story of the deathly hallows ("and death greeted the youngest brother like an old friend..") and recount the battle at helms deep ("should I describe it to you or get you a box?") to the battle in front of Minas Tirith ("Death is just another path... one that we all must take.."). or even notice links between Frankeweenie and Corpse Bride.
so apparently that makes me a geek. I insisted that a true geek games. someone pointed out to me that I can remember some of the MK finisher moves. or that I even knew Soul Age. that not liking stuff like starcraft, dota or warcraft didn't mean I wasn't a geek.
my last thread of hope was that I cooked and did handicraft like sewing and scrapbooking. to which a friend replied, "Sheldon knits."
right.
2. I'm competitive
I don't need to win. I do realise that in every race, there is a loser. and so what if I'm the person who loses?
talking about Dream Team with a friend, I questioned why one of the girls picked certain male celebs to be her partner when they wouldn't be able to win the games. I then listed my ideal partners for any Dream Team challenges. simply because there is a bigger assurance of a win.
I stopped PS3 because my skills are rusty. I don't want to lose to my opponent. after all the blisters from my PS days, I cannot deal with the frustration of losing in stages. do you have any idea how red and painful my hands were after Excalibur or Crash Bandicoot?
I even deleted candy crush within 2 days 'cos I couldn't get through an early stage after 6 tries. too annoying. so yes, I'm competitive.
3. my brain is retarded
going back to AJ Jacob's books, I love the little facts that strike a chord with me. like how Newton was diagnosed with "psychotic tendencies" and literally went mad. and how he had delved into occult practices. then on social norms, it's also interesting to read on utilitarians and deontologists. I love little facts like these. and my biggest worry is that I'll forget them quickly.
then number patterns. 3*37=111. 6*37=222. 9*37=333... I saw these three equations and thought they were rather cool. and a small little voice in my head went, "too bad the combo breaks after 30*37.."
I paused and took a paper out and scribbling linearly, came up with "12*37=444. 15*37=555. 18*37=666. 21*37=777. 24*37=888. 27*37=999"... then a small "oh" slipped out as then pen continued scribbling, "30*37=1110. 33*37=1221."
just before bed, I frowned, "I'm going to forget 'deontologist' tomorrow. don't fail on me, brain. just let me remember this one tomorrow."
hours later, my alarm clock rang. I stirred in bed and slowly turned to face the ceiling and opened my eyes. then a word escaped my lips, "deontologist."
thank you, brain. now if you could do that with the bible, I'd be very very grateful as well.
4. I don't like to have my photo taken
I really really really don't like it. I don't think I'm gorgeous. I think I'm awesome. plain-looking but awesome. and I'm definitely not photogenic. I just really don't like having my picture taken.
as such, I have retarded poses and faces in my photos. just because it being in front of a camera makes me uncomfortable and I unknowingly change to someone else.. (I'm much happier behind it.) problem is, all my retarded faces make me look worse than I already do. as such, I dislike photos of me. if people ask, I try to run from it. but trust me, even if I'm somehow in front of the camera, I'm squirming inside.
now I'm wondering what new insights I'll have in the next few days and months. this year is getting more interesting.
Monday, May 20, 2013
social network sites allow for people to vent and post their thoughts. and it's the emo ones that make me wonder if these people are truly depressed and their posts are a cry for help... or simply they are self-indulgent dumbasses where their posts are a cry for attention.
different people act differently under depression.
some shy away from the world. they hide behind smiles and a bubbly personality. and at home, they suffer from panic attacks and cry until they somewhat black out from dehydration.
and the only people to know about these bouts of depression are family members, because they see them going through these spells.
medication is usually required as a cure for depression. but when the family members pretend that the person is not under going depression simply because they don't understand it, symptoms can worsen. the depressed person can start to feel like a burden to the family. they withdraw more thinking that they are not worth anyone's time or energy. they stop telling family members about the panic attacks. they smile even more brightly to the rest of the world.
and some times, just some times, people suffering from this form of depression can snap out of it. not immediately. but they can slip out of depression and go back to being normal.
and as hard as it may be, I have to keep remembering that people are different when depressed and to stop judging emo posts. and just pray that the truly medically depressed people are getting all the support and treatment that they required. sigh.
different people act differently under depression.
some shy away from the world. they hide behind smiles and a bubbly personality. and at home, they suffer from panic attacks and cry until they somewhat black out from dehydration.
and the only people to know about these bouts of depression are family members, because they see them going through these spells.
medication is usually required as a cure for depression. but when the family members pretend that the person is not under going depression simply because they don't understand it, symptoms can worsen. the depressed person can start to feel like a burden to the family. they withdraw more thinking that they are not worth anyone's time or energy. they stop telling family members about the panic attacks. they smile even more brightly to the rest of the world.
and some times, just some times, people suffering from this form of depression can snap out of it. not immediately. but they can slip out of depression and go back to being normal.
and as hard as it may be, I have to keep remembering that people are different when depressed and to stop judging emo posts. and just pray that the truly medically depressed people are getting all the support and treatment that they required. sigh.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
thanks, or no thanks, to my stupid crush on Spencer Reid (can't remember the last time I was so damn attracted to a fictional character..), I've been brushing up on my reading.
including attempting to finish A.J. Jacob's "The Know-It-All: One Man's Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World" while pouring through "Taming of the Shrew".
when you're reading plays for leisure purposes, it will do you well to read narrative prose as well. plays can drive you ever so mad, including making you read out your words in a strange English accent. but I digress.
so A.J. read the entire Britannica Encyclopedia. and his book talks about how his thoughts or incidents that occur during this period of drowning his brain. chapters follow the alphabets, which would mean that Q, X, Y and Z are probably shorter chapters. I think. I haven't gotten there yet. I only finished N last night.
did you know that Napoleon love ice skating?
and in a strange little geek moment, my brain did its stupid free-form thinking again. so Napoleon loved ice skating. Jon Heder played Napoleon Dynamite in 2004. 3 years later, Jon Heder played a ice skater in Blades of Glory.
I stuck my bookmark in the book immediately and tweeted this stupid fact. then I paused, stared at the time, put the book away, and switched off the lights.
reading past 12 midnight really makes me think of stupid things more.
including attempting to finish A.J. Jacob's "The Know-It-All: One Man's Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World" while pouring through "Taming of the Shrew".
when you're reading plays for leisure purposes, it will do you well to read narrative prose as well. plays can drive you ever so mad, including making you read out your words in a strange English accent. but I digress.
so A.J. read the entire Britannica Encyclopedia. and his book talks about how his thoughts or incidents that occur during this period of drowning his brain. chapters follow the alphabets, which would mean that Q, X, Y and Z are probably shorter chapters. I think. I haven't gotten there yet. I only finished N last night.
did you know that Napoleon love ice skating?
and in a strange little geek moment, my brain did its stupid free-form thinking again. so Napoleon loved ice skating. Jon Heder played Napoleon Dynamite in 2004. 3 years later, Jon Heder played a ice skater in Blades of Glory.
I stuck my bookmark in the book immediately and tweeted this stupid fact. then I paused, stared at the time, put the book away, and switched off the lights.
reading past 12 midnight really makes me think of stupid things more.
Thursday, May 09, 2013
in all the nastiness in the world of douchebags and asses, I keep thinking of the starfish story where a man's small act of kindness made a difference not to the whole sea, but at least to the one starfish he restored.
and this morning, a gentleman showed me how a simple act of kindness can completely transform my entire morning.
...although he made me feel awkwardly shy... *crawl into a hole and hide*
in the daily struggle with my thoughts and rollercoaster of emotions, I thank God. for being that one consistent thing in my life and reminding me that in this ugly world, there is just that little bit of kindness... that there is still a little bit of a silver lining in the darkness. and that little light is all I need to remember to keep on.
and this morning, a gentleman showed me how a simple act of kindness can completely transform my entire morning.
...although he made me feel awkwardly shy... *crawl into a hole and hide*
in the daily struggle with my thoughts and rollercoaster of emotions, I thank God. for being that one consistent thing in my life and reminding me that in this ugly world, there is just that little bit of kindness... that there is still a little bit of a silver lining in the darkness. and that little light is all I need to remember to keep on.
Wednesday, May 08, 2013
leading to an exhausting ranting session with E.
she said she doesn't know where I get my patience from.
from dealing with petty requests or incoherent complaints to getting wet while making sure a stranger is dry under my umbrella... I'm like a cartoon bomb.
just waiting to self-destruct.
I almost naturally put up with shit. at times, I reflect on relations gone bad and wonder if it soured because I never worked hard enough during the period when it was still good. but I'll remember times I forgave too easily. times when I get stood up even though I've waited for hours. times where I put aside my emotions and consider the other person.
why does my brain shut out all my selfish moments and keep only my stupid moments?
I'm not perfect. there must have been moments when I put myself ahead of others and make stupid demands. there must have been times when I stood up people who have waited for me for hours. where I take people for granted and turn to them without trying to resolve matters myself. where I expect people to give way to me and I don't wish to treat them well. times when I don't hold the door open for a parent struggling with a pram or don't give up a seat to the needy. times when I don't feel guilty about raising my voice. there must have been such times right?
maybe that's my selfish ego-centric side that puts myself up on a pedestal and shuts my eyes and memory. and because of that, I'm now blind to how awful and selfish I am as a person.
what does this mean about me?
it means I still don't fully grasp the concept of love. I understand parts of it. and I try earnestly to be gentler. but I don't know love the way Jesus does.
"but he was wounded for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed." Isaiah 53:5
that is love. where while he disassociated himself with evil and all that is poisonous, he still die for us to set us free from it. he kept away from the corrupt, only speaking to them to rebuke and correct. he asked his disciples to "shake the sand from (their) sandals" when they leave a house of unbelief to signify a relationship broken.
yet even with the broken relationship, he still loves and prays for them. all of them.
I don't fully know love. I'll just have to keep working at it. as long as I have time on earth, I'll keep figuring it out, even if it is self-destructive for now. keep me in your prayers.
Tuesday, May 07, 2013
In a societal pond where the paper chase is endless and degrees, masters and phds are somewhat revered, there's a ripple on the surface.
we are now told that you can't eat a paper. that it's what you do about your situation that defines you are in life. that regardless of the education you have received, you can achieve things. you can be a better person.
and I believe that. I see the man sweeping the street with his head bowed in shame. yet when I give him a small smile as I pass by, his face lights up with a smile in return. that versus the numb faces of the 'highly educated' people in the office building lift, all buried in the brain-washing glow of their smartphones.. nary a smile or a small nod to say good morning.
there is a ripple.
people coming out to share success stories of how they beat the odds and came out from the runt that they were shoved into. people of authority telling us to acknowledge the talents in what society views as "less educated".
then I talk to people 'on the inside' and they don't buy it. their unchanging perceptions remain that these people are less educated because they are not equipped to cope with education and as such, are condemned to a lifetime of being unable to comprehend simple english or logic thinking.
and I'm reminded... it's only a ripple. it disturbs the surface. it spreads for a while. then it disappears, as though it's never been there. that's all a ripple does.
society needs more than just a ripple. sigh.
we are now told that you can't eat a paper. that it's what you do about your situation that defines you are in life. that regardless of the education you have received, you can achieve things. you can be a better person.
and I believe that. I see the man sweeping the street with his head bowed in shame. yet when I give him a small smile as I pass by, his face lights up with a smile in return. that versus the numb faces of the 'highly educated' people in the office building lift, all buried in the brain-washing glow of their smartphones.. nary a smile or a small nod to say good morning.
there is a ripple.
people coming out to share success stories of how they beat the odds and came out from the runt that they were shoved into. people of authority telling us to acknowledge the talents in what society views as "less educated".
then I talk to people 'on the inside' and they don't buy it. their unchanging perceptions remain that these people are less educated because they are not equipped to cope with education and as such, are condemned to a lifetime of being unable to comprehend simple english or logic thinking.
and I'm reminded... it's only a ripple. it disturbs the surface. it spreads for a while. then it disappears, as though it's never been there. that's all a ripple does.
society needs more than just a ripple. sigh.
Monday, May 06, 2013
Come back when you hear this song
Wherever you are, whoever you’re with
I’m sorry, so come back
I’m regretting, so come back
Come back when you hear this song
Wherever you are, whoever you’re with
oh my dear boys, I never left. even though you made me wait for 2 years, I never really left. even more so when your first comeback stage is on such an amazing day.
absolutely trippin' with excitement. whee~
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