Yoon Mirae, you are too damn gorgeous. Ahhhhh~

For this Christmas, I want..

- my LV Michael Backpack. in any color.

- SMTown tickets and a return flight at wherever the concert is

- Big Bang / Beast / 2PM / EXO / BAP concert. PLEASE.

- Nespresso capsules for life

- a unicorn (I wish I was kidding)

- Flame of Recca vol 6-12 to finally complete the damn series

- Bulgari Save The Children ring (like seriously, Bulgari, I've been trying to shove my money into your face but you keep rejecting it with the lack of size)

- LV Michael Backpack. I want this so badly.


and that's the little materialistic side of me.

but honestly, if I could really get what I wanted for Christmas... I would want peace. Not the world peace, no fighting, no wars thing. I want reconciliation with God, for people to build that broken relationship with God. Because there is no way one can truly understand love unless you've experienced the greatest love of them all. How easy would "world peace" be from there if everyone knew what it meant to truly love then?

I want my friends reconciled to God. I want my family reconciled to God.

And beyond that, I want contentment and yet to keep striving to better myself. to remember that so many things are out of my control and surpass any knowledge I think I have. That there's still so much room to grow.. intellectually and as a person. to grow in many areas. not the chest area. I've given up hope on that. but to grow in terms of knowledge or what OSL calls my "snapple bottle cap" moments. perhaps even solve a damn rubix cube. to grow as a person. to grow in love and know how to maintain relationships 'cos I'm seriously shit at it.

and perhaps maybe to even fall in love along the way.



That's my Christmas wish.

Hark the herald angels sing, "glory to the newborn King". Peace on Earth and mercy mild, God and sinners reconcile.

Merry Christmas one and all. ^-^

knocked out on the bus as usual. wasn't hard since the bus was really cold.

when I woke up, I looked around. I was about three stops from getting off. and there was a warmth pressed against my side. I turned. a boy that had gotten onto the bus one stop after me and who took the seat next to me had fallen asleep, pressed against my arm , his head dangerously close to my shoulder. he looked so tired and I didn't have the heart to push him away.

of course the superficial part of me didn't mind that he was cute.

I turned back to look out of the window, watching the rain fall outside as he leaned against me, nodding away. when it was time to make my way to the door, I shifted. he woke up groggily before he stared at me, a little embarrassed. he apologized and I smiled before getting up to move to the door. just as I stood up, I noticed the lady standing in front of us staring between us, her eyes widened and her mouth slightly opened. as if she didn't expect to see him apologizing to me.

I got off the bus and while using my umbrella to shield myself from both the vicious wind and rain, JYP Nation's "This Christmas" started playing on my mp3 player.


well played, God, well played.

pillow fights

arcade madness

yelling 'jinx' at one another

biting, shoving, butt slapping

continuing each other's jokes

stuffing our faces silly

driving through town to watch the Christmas lights

cuddling on the sofa just because someone's sick

frustration and anger that never lasts for more than half a day

laughing about old episodes of F.R.I.E.N.D.S on the train while everyone else thinks we're mad

sitting in the parking lot and refusing to get out of the car because the song on the radio is awesome and we're too busy singing along (see example below)





I would not trade anything for my siblings. as much as we joke about trading one another for true love or a harem of young gorgeous men or Taylor Swift, I would not trade them for anything in the world. nothing.

after about 4 months of being holed up with no life except for dinners with close friends and drinking at home with the family, I am a social wreck.

I don't know how to make small talk with strangers. I don't know how to smile. I can never flirt again. if my friends even want to call me to come out of my blanket fort where I plan to surround myself with my nespresso machine and variations of beer and cider for the next few months... this will be me.

I don't even feel embarrassed by this shit. I'm doomed.

been spamming Christmas songs and Rainy Mood in office. i'm in my own little corner with my Starbucks, banana nut crunch, music, and feeling happily festive.



it's always my favorite time of the year. i may not be somewhere cold and pretty now..

and even with all the turmoil and dark events around, Christmas always reminds me that there's a little hope for a better tomorrow. I don't always understand why things happen the way they do... but I know there's that little hope that things will turn around one day and I will fully be able to grasp the beauty of His creation.

Zico in "Dead Leaves"

Remember, being alone and being lonely can be two very different things. ^-^

so Sunday is always dinner time with the family. and this happens when there's prawn served:

aunt: why are you not eating the prawn? 

me: I've taken one already.

aunt: take more. there's three for each.

me: I can't. I'm allergic to prawn, remember?

aunt: since when?

me: since more than a year ago?

aunt: but we always order prawns when we eat out in restaurants-

me: -and I always never eat it

aunt: are you sure?

me: yes. and we have this conversation every time there are prawns


hi, do I look like I will create an allergy to not eat something I adore? like I'm mad enough to decide that I'm allergic to it and not eat hokkien mee and prawn noodle soup which happen to be my two favorite hawker dishes? It's been about one and a half years since I found out about my allergy. if my friends don't remember, I don't really mind. and usually they don't. but when I remind them, they are always apologize because at the back of their minds, they do know it.

yet my own aunts will never remember it. and then it's suddenly my fault for not reminding them and causing them to cook more. and my fault that I have an allergy.


right. they are seriously going bonkers.

"Simple things like going home, and friends who say you're not alone, and songs of joy that keep you strong make everything okay. oh, and Santa's on his way" - Glee

November has been a tiring month. getting back to the office.. paranoia at not knowing the healing stage I was at... personal battles.. health scares from the mother's medical report..

December is looking up, thankfully. I can slowly start walking normally. in two months, I can try jogging to test my foot... worries of cancer and other kidney problems were dissolved this morning at the hospital..

the personal battles are still there but if i can deal with all the environmental worries, surely I can deal with the personal ones. still, it'll be nice to feel like less of a burden and a little less lonely during this period after a very tiring November.

with the upcoming Christmas and new year, may I learn to better deal with all the shit like I did as a child. May I stop growing too old and start remembering what it means to be a little stronger again.

Was on the bus on the seats for the needy so I naturally gave my seat up when I saw an elderly man get on. The younger man next to me saw me shift and hurriedly gave me his seat, thanks to my cast. Sounds good?

No.

Another elderly woman got on so I decided to give her my seat. The elderly man forced me to sit and gave up his own seat. OMG the horror. I tried to tell him I was okay but he kept his hand on my shoulder, telling me to sit.

When another seat freed up, I immediately told him. He then said it was his stop. Before he got off, he told me to take care of my foot.

Shit. The guilt. OMG THE GUILT.

原來我只是突然累了
原來我不說了
原來我撐著撐到麻了
原來我不...

算了

I watch Awkward. Or at least the first season. because Jenna is such an awkward little puppy with voices in her head putting herself on the pedestal and then ripping herself off with her own self-deprecating humor.

much like someone I know very well.

with the bullies, stupid emotional roller-coasters, voices in head... all of it.

but I only just found this song today. apparently it was on Awkward. right. for a girl that googles the internet until she finds the title of the strange beautiful song on Scrubs, how did I miss this one? ok, I guess I got bored of Awkward now that her life isn't as awkward anymore.

still.. this is a nice song. completely worth sharing.




Fighter, Fighter
You told me we were fighters, fighters
Lover, Lover
We ended just as lovers
We let the night get away to somewhere better than here
We let the night, get away

I'm not a fan of her shows and most of her performances.

But I love her voice. I wish she did more stuff like this:

Today, you stared at my fracture and asked me questions about it. Then after running around, you came to me, to sit between my legs and play with my phone. When I moved to lean against the sofa, you crawled after me to stay between my legs and arms, leaning back into me as you watched your TV programs.

All after you threw an ugly tantrum just half an hour earlier.

Just so you know, you're such a little brat. But you're my brat and I love you to death. Please come visit me more, kid!

Yet another week of lunches consisting of tofu, frozen pizza and instant mee.

I need a care package of frozen tv dinners like bangers and mash or shepherd's pies. And canned soups of many many varieties.

Urgh.

When you fracture your leg, you realize all the things you take for granted.

like the ease of taking elevators without worrying about the door closing on your crutches..

or the ease of stepping off escalators..

or the way you used to slam your foot down on the floor to get rid of pins and needles.


nope. a fracture is really a bitch. i feel so inadequate. I feel small. I hate how my poor maid comes looking for me at 1pm, worrying about my lunch for me. I hate how she fusses over me like a little kid and how reliant i am on her. she's already so busy. and i'm just sitting on my ass.


stupid foot. WAE SO TROUBLESOME?

i need to stop watching videos that make me a little sad about my immobility at this point.



the way each step can be so sharp. so pointed. the feeling when every movement emotes the melody. that wave of satisfaction when you transit from a fluid body wave to snap your body into lines, seeing that precision reflecting back at you from the mirror. the way the body builds up to flow into each move.

even the way excess cloth sound when you exaggerate an action and how your collar falls to expose the neckline that you're so proud of showing to the world.

i miss all this. i really really miss all this. sigh.

Sooooooo.....

the sprained ankle hurt more than usual. because it wasn't just a sprain.

i have two cracks down my right metatarsal. on the last toe. when i saw the X-ray, i was giddy with excitement. for 10s. of "OMG I'M LIKE BECKHAM AND ROONEY NOW"

then after the 10s, i remember that the two boys were out for the season.

and then the dread sinks in with the sharp (not dull but f-ing sharp) pain.

after a series of X-rays (like 6 frames captured in one day with another 4 more in 1.5 weeks time) and visits to NUH and the GP, I'm now on a one month MC with my mac at home. thank goodness i have my mac.

all the work.. all the deadlines. i'm so screwed. i'm not going to have a job when i get back to office. seriously. and it doesn't help that I'm craving beer, ice cream, cider, cheesecake, fried chicken, somaek, korean bbq, and starbucks coffee.

i won't be able to attend my buddy's wedding. i can't meet up with Princess and he's only back for 2 weeks before he returns to Philly. i'm probably missing retrolicious. i'm missing out on F1.

and my goodness i miss running. i miss watching the sunset along the Singapore River during evening runs. i'm going to miss that soreness and tiredness after each of my muay thai sessions. i haven't even re-started my dance classes and i miss it already. i miss feeling the beat. even all the stupid moments in my bedroom, remembering all the choreography that's somewhat ingrained in my muscle memory. i miss all that.


please let these 2 months fly by. please please please.

after a highly strung week of self-inflicted and environmentally inflicted stress..

i find myself now nursing a sprained ankle of the worst pain ever.

i don't think i've ever felt so frustrated and tired. and needy. like i want someone to hug me tightly and tell me it's all going to be alright. and to bring me ice cream and cheesecake. and drive me around 'cos i'm obviously not in the best state to be moving around now. and to tell me that everything sucks right now but it's still alright.

RAWR

i really need to make sure my house in the future can deal with my stupidity and klutziness. maybe have a wheelchair in the house for all my nonsense. if not, who else would look after me?

Never start the diet during stressed out periods.

your stomach will not keep any food in. you'd be forced to eat bread an hour before bed to quell the uneasiness arising from anticipation of gastric in the middle of the night.

you won't have the appetite for anything good for your body except for tea.

you'll end up feeding your face with comfort food. and it doesn't help when your comfort food includes ice cream, cheesecake and mooncake. like seriously. not during this time of the year. when it's the season for mooncake. yummy mooncake.

sigh.

*nursing my hot tea*

on generally bad days, i try to close the world out and remember all the good stuff. to make myself feel a little better.

so while making a cup of comforting yuzu cha, i remembered an incident in Seoul.

i was suffering from awful indigestion on the day we went to visit the YG building. looking for relief from the cold and the churning in my tummy, we found a cafe to settle in. with a smiley old lady and her husband.

everyone ordered coffee. how could they not? the couple roasted their own beans. they blended the beautiful beans. i couldn't have any of it. i was feeling down and out. so i settled down by the table where they were preparing the cafe au lait.

i decided on yuzu cha for my stomach. to ease the nausea and churning. and coffee smelt amazing. i was kicking myself inside as i watched the five others sip their coffee happily.

probably also from the feeling of wanting to die, i must have just been sitting there quietly, staring at the couple test out different blends of filtered coffee. my friends were probably in their own world. i don't remember much except for the smell of coffee.

but i won't forget all that happened after that.

the lady looked at me and asked if i liked coffee. i smiled and nodded back. she asked me why i wasn't drinking. i explained in halting korean that my stomach was in pain. she looked at my yuzu cha and nodded. she knew a little english so it wasn't all that bad. then she asked me if the smell made me happy. i could only nod, smiling back at her. i was really contented to sit there all day long, drinking yuzu and smelling coffee. she asked how i liked my coffee.

"americano."

"with sugar?"

"with no sugar."

she nodded with her own grandmotherly smile and returned her attention back to her coffee.

i wasn't paying much attention after a while. because suddenly, she wasn't behind the counter but in front of me. she set a pretty china cup in front of me, half-filled with black coffee. then she said, "no milk. no sugar. best way to drink coffee."

i asked her in korean how much the americano was as we had already made payment for our other drinks. she shook her head. "Free," came her reply in english.

my stomach was miserable and i was nursing such a giddy head. i could feel the tears stinging. but here was a stranger. someone i had met for 30 min at most. offering me a drink. simply because I wasn't well and loved coffee. i swear i'm not kidding when i felt like i was going to cry.

i took a sip of the warm black drink. it was glorious. my stomach didn't agree with it but my tastebuds adored it. it was absolutely fresh and beautiful. and it was a cup made out of love for coffee and a random fellow coffee lover. no strings attached.

i thanked her for the coffee. unfortunately, i was in no state to finish the coffee.

before we left the cafe, i asked for a photo with her. she kindly obliged. when we were looking at the photo, i thanked her again for everything. she gave me a little hug and wished me well.


it's the little things that keep me going when i want to shoot people's heads out to check if they even have a brain. sigh. keep remembering. keep holding on.

I need to stop feeding my face so much.

I need to finally buy a new laptop.

I need to find someone who'll get me my Raclique from Korea (damn you gmarket! You were my one hope!)

I need to question the amount of street wear in my wardrobe.

I need to stop feeding my face so much.

Late night rambles. Simply because my fat face depresses me. Diet starts on Monday. Let's go.

so i've been made to stare into a person's eyes just because momoren wanted to prove that he had a lazy eye..

and now, i'm made to help another momoren decide if he needs a haircut.




these boys are really getting too comfortable with me even though both incidents happened shortly after we've known each other.


i'm slipping back into buddy-zone again.

one day, when i was seriously concentrating on an article at work, my boss popped by my table and asked if i needed coffee. i shook my head with a smile and he asked me again. then he said i looked like i had zoned out.

zoned out????

then it reminded me of GL. whenever he's showing me a new technique or move, i'm studying how his legs pivot and how the punches or kicks swing.. i'm seriously reading his moves and trying to figure out how the punch works and where the kicks land. then he'll ask me if i'm tired out 'cos i look like i'm stoned.

i shared it with my girls. E agreed. she said that when i'm concentrating, i actually look like i'm confused and completely oblivious to what that's happening. and my eyes will widen but turn blank.

it's now known as the D.O look. the wide glassy eye look that seems to glaze over everything even though my head is processing everything.

i can't tell if D.O look is better than my death glares that my colleagues don't like though. hahahaha. something's seriously wrong with me.

Other than being extremely distracted by the golden fluffiness of Taehyung (not even Jimin and that awful drifting tank top can take my attention away), I'm just reminded of how much I miss dancing. I really need to sort out my financials and schedule.. and stop traveling for a while. so i'll actually have the money and be in Singapore to go back to class. sigh.

"你问我来自哪里
笑着回答是秘密
只要是你和我 一起走下去
天堂在随时和随地"


just because I absolutely love Chen's and LuHan's voices.

It's on days like these when I want to disappear from the face of the earth... when You gently remind me that I'm not alone. When You remind me to keep my chin up because of the people You've surrounded me with to keep me smiling despite it all. And no matter how tired and frustrated I am, You are always there, watching me trudge through life's trials and grow more and more in understanding of Your plan for all of us. Thank you. I'm forever grateful.

It's stuff like that which make me wonder why my parents chose to let me learn piano instead of ballet. I would probably be a lot slimmer, given the fact that I would have been sitting on my ass a lot less and doing pirouettes instead.

and it would also mean that I wouldn't be dying every time my coach forces me to stretch into a split during Sunday morning training.

but who knows. maybe if I had been sent for ballet classes, I would be wondering why I wasn't sent for piano lessons.

I do miss dancing. I miss picking up choreographed steps and feeling that sense of accomplishment when I master it.

maybe I should start dancing again. before my rusty bones protest further.



inspired.

went for lunch with the K sisters after church today at TP. then when we were walking to the train station, an elderly couple sitting in the shade near the train stations asked if we could buy them some food for lunch.

it was nearly 3pm by then. the sisters were rushing off so I told them to go ahead and that I would deal with the matter. I turned to the couple and told them that International Plaza should have food and we could head there together. the elderly man thanked me and helped his wife(?) slowly get up and walk. but we had only gone a few steps when the old lady said that she was too tired and that it was too hot so she just wanted to sit. I offered to buy them food but the man rejected the offer with a soft smile, leading the lady back to the shade to rest.

feeling uneasy, I walked quickly over to the plaza. the sun was honestly mad hot. thankfully, there was a deli there so I picked up two chiffon cakes and a bottle of cold water before jogging back to the corner, hoping the couple was still there. thankfully they were and the man had stopped another young couple this time, asking if they could help them buy a bun or something. I figured he had a change of heart so I quickly approached him.

the elderly man looked at me stunned before breaking into a small smile, "you came back."

I smiled back and handed him the two cakes and the water. he took the bag with both hands and bowed, thanking me. the young couple smiled at me and we exchanged brief nods of acknowledgement before I headed back to the train station. I then overheard the young man ask the older man if he still needed more food.


at night, I told my mother about it. she asked me if I ever wondered if the elderly couple was out to con people. I paused and nodded. then I explained that I would rather be conned than to reject someone in real need. she smiled at me and said that the younger couple and I did a good thing today.


let it not be said that we Singaporeans are unkind. as ungracious as majority seem to be, there are always a few gems still sparkling to help make the day a little brighter for others out there. ^-^

so I've been running. a lot.

for a girl who used to hate running and fail her 1.6k PFT runs, doing the sundown marathon was just madness.

there's a new run coming up. the 5k zombie dash aka Race The Dead.


save yourself or have your life flags taken away by zombies.

so my running 'buddies' and I were talking about this very interesting race. I decided it wasn't a run for me.

"i will beat someone up," I related, "like turn around and go 'I KNOW MUAY THAI!! ARRRAAGAAAWWWAARRR!!!' then chase them."

my friend then said she would expect reported casualties the next day.


then we reflected on our own experiences with one another.. which included kicking a person in slumber and also hitting one another during kick boxing class.

we would be disqualified within 1 min of the race 'cos we would be running towards the zombies instead of away from them.

while it would be quite a sight to see zombies running from 3 girls screaming at them, it's our reputations at stake.



so yea. no. i'll stick to KOTR.

chugging on Starbucks soy latte... rummaging through the MCM tote bag... pulling out cards from the Ferragamo wallet...



where's the girl that used to drink kopi-si, only to run to the toilet 'cos she's lactose intolerant... while lugging around her $20 canvas tote from Bugis street?



consumerism at its best. me at my worst. sigh.


at least my clothes aren't from luxury brands with mad price tags.

my friends seem incredibly entertained by my exaggerated expressions over SNS.

then today, before I could use another Line sticker to express my feeling, my friend put one up.

then she said that she could imagine me doing exactly that.


oh well, I've always been animated. despite my attempts to tone it down, my mad friends enjoy my animated outburst.

so my dentist has embarked on a new rubber band for me. I've moved from the Manatee to the Sea Lion.

it's part of his 'plastic surgery' for me.

so he's pushing my upper jaw back and my lower jaw forward. all while straightening my teeth and closing the gaps..., "like korean plastic surgery without the knife."

he didn't mention the nausea inducing headache.

in any case, he made me take a mirror and got me to imagine the effect. at one point, he was pointing to my teeth and said, "… and you have a gummy smile-"

"I do??"

he laughed and nodded before continuing to describe the changes to my teeth, jaw, and face shape.

of which i didn't pay much attention to. because…. wait.. whaaaat?? I have a gummy smile???

from all my photos, i always thought i had a toothy smile. with the braces, I've been hiding my teeth in photos.

and now I learn that I have a gummy smile?? since when? that's what people see when I smile?

just like how people see a geek when i rattle off??


I really don't know me. T-T

so i'm finally less than 12 months away from the big three-o.

while as depressing as that may sound, I'm learning new things about myself this year.

1. people think I'm a geek
it started when a colleague was eating Japanese steam cakes. so I casually remarked that in Yakitate Japan, they teach you how to make a Japanese steam cake using a rice cooker. from there, I mentioned the crazy 144-1 layered croissant from the show too. my colleague looked at me and remarked that I was a geek.

it was the first time anyone said that to me. I insisted that I wasn't one... despite being able to retell the story of the deathly hallows ("and death greeted the youngest brother like an old friend..") and recount the battle at helms deep ("should I describe it to you or get you a box?") to the battle in front of Minas Tirith ("Death is just another path... one that we all must take.."). or even notice links between Frankeweenie and Corpse Bride.

so apparently that makes me a geek. I insisted that a true geek games. someone pointed out to me that I can remember some of the MK finisher moves. or that I even knew Soul Age. that not liking stuff like starcraft, dota or warcraft didn't mean I wasn't a geek.

my last thread of hope was that I cooked and did handicraft like sewing and scrapbooking. to which a friend replied, "Sheldon knits."

right.


2. I'm competitive
I don't need to win. I do realise that in every race, there is a loser. and so what if I'm the person who loses?

talking about Dream Team with a friend, I questioned why one of the girls picked certain male celebs to be her partner when they wouldn't be able to win the games. I then listed my ideal partners for any Dream Team challenges. simply because there is a bigger assurance of a win.

I stopped PS3 because my skills are rusty. I don't want to lose to my opponent. after all the blisters from my PS days, I cannot deal with the frustration of losing in stages. do you have any idea how red and painful my hands were after Excalibur or Crash Bandicoot?

I even deleted candy crush within 2 days 'cos I couldn't get through an early stage after 6 tries. too annoying. so yes, I'm competitive.


3. my brain is retarded
going back to AJ Jacob's books, I love the little facts that strike a chord with me. like how Newton was diagnosed with "psychotic tendencies" and literally went mad. and how he had delved into occult practices. then on social norms, it's also interesting to read on utilitarians and deontologists. I love little facts like these. and my biggest worry is that I'll forget them quickly.

then number patterns. 3*37=111. 6*37=222. 9*37=333... I saw these three equations and thought they were rather cool. and a small little voice in my head went, "too bad the combo breaks after 30*37.."

I paused and took a paper out and scribbling linearly, came up with "12*37=444. 15*37=555. 18*37=666. 21*37=777. 24*37=888. 27*37=999"... then a small "oh" slipped out as then pen continued scribbling, "30*37=1110. 33*37=1221."

just before bed, I frowned, "I'm going to forget 'deontologist' tomorrow. don't fail on me, brain. just let me remember this one tomorrow."

hours later, my alarm clock rang. I stirred in bed and slowly turned to face the ceiling and opened my eyes. then a word escaped my lips, "deontologist."

thank you, brain. now if you could do that with the bible, I'd be very very grateful as well.


4. I don't like to have my photo taken
I really really really don't like it. I don't think I'm gorgeous. I think I'm awesome. plain-looking but awesome. and I'm definitely not photogenic. I just really don't like having my picture taken.

as such, I have retarded poses and faces in my photos. just because it being in front of a camera makes me uncomfortable and I unknowingly change to someone else.. (I'm much happier behind it.) problem is, all my retarded faces make me look worse than I already do. as such, I dislike photos of me. if people ask, I try to run from it. but trust me, even if I'm somehow in front of the camera, I'm squirming inside.


now I'm wondering what new insights I'll have in the next few days and months. this year is getting more interesting.

social network sites allow for people to vent and post their thoughts. and it's the emo ones that make me wonder if these people are truly depressed and their posts are a cry for help... or simply they are self-indulgent dumbasses where their posts are a cry for attention.

different people act differently under depression.

some shy away from the world. they hide behind smiles and a bubbly personality. and at home, they suffer from panic attacks and cry until they somewhat black out from dehydration.

and the only people to know about these bouts of depression are family members, because they see them going through these spells.

medication is usually required as a cure for depression. but when the family members pretend that the person is not under going depression simply because they don't understand it, symptoms can worsen. the depressed person can start to feel like a burden to the family. they withdraw more thinking that they are not worth anyone's time or energy. they stop telling family members about the panic attacks. they smile even more brightly to the rest of the world.

and some times, just some times, people suffering from this form of depression can snap out of it. not immediately. but they can slip out of depression and go back to being normal.



and as hard as it may be, I have to keep remembering that people are different when depressed and to stop judging emo posts. and just pray that the truly medically depressed people are getting all the support and treatment that they required. sigh.

thanks, or no thanks, to my stupid crush on Spencer Reid (can't remember the last time I was so damn attracted to a fictional character..), I've been brushing up on my reading.

including attempting to finish A.J. Jacob's "The Know-It-All: One Man's Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World" while pouring through "Taming of the Shrew".

when you're reading plays for leisure purposes, it will do you well to read narrative prose as well. plays can drive you ever so mad, including making you read out your words in a strange English accent. but I digress.

so A.J. read the entire Britannica Encyclopedia. and his book talks about how his thoughts or incidents that occur during this period of drowning his brain. chapters follow the alphabets, which would mean that Q, X, Y and Z are probably shorter chapters. I think. I haven't gotten there yet. I only finished N last night.

did you know that Napoleon love ice skating?


and in a strange little geek moment, my brain did its stupid free-form thinking again. so Napoleon loved ice skating. Jon Heder played Napoleon Dynamite in 2004. 3 years later, Jon Heder played a ice skater in Blades of Glory.

I stuck my bookmark in the book immediately and tweeted this stupid fact. then I paused, stared at the time, put the book away, and switched off the lights.



reading past 12 midnight really makes me think of stupid things more.

in all the nastiness in the world of douchebags and asses, I keep thinking of the starfish story where a man's small act of kindness made a difference not to the whole sea, but at least to the one starfish he restored.

and this morning, a gentleman showed me how a simple act of kindness can completely transform my entire morning.


...although he made me feel awkwardly shy... *crawl into a hole and hide*


in the daily struggle with my thoughts and rollercoaster of emotions, I thank God. for being that one consistent thing in my life and reminding me that in this ugly world, there is just that little bit of kindness... that there is still a little bit of a silver lining in the darkness. and that little light is all I need to remember to keep on.

a confusing night of dealing with confused people..

leading to an exhausting ranting session with E.

she said she doesn't know where I get my patience from.


from dealing with petty requests or incoherent complaints to getting wet while making sure a stranger is dry under my umbrella... I'm like a cartoon bomb.

just waiting to self-destruct.

I almost naturally put up with shit. at times, I reflect on relations gone bad and wonder if it soured because I never worked hard enough during the period when it was still good. but I'll remember times I forgave too easily. times when I get stood up even though I've waited for hours. times where I put aside my emotions and consider the other person.

why does my brain shut out all my selfish moments and keep only my stupid moments?

I'm not perfect. there must have been moments when I put myself ahead of others and make stupid demands. there must have been times when I stood up people who have waited for me for hours. where I take people for granted and turn to them without trying to resolve matters myself. where I expect people to give way to me and I don't wish to treat them well. times when I don't hold the door open for a parent struggling with a pram or don't give up a seat to the needy. times when I don't feel guilty about raising my voice. there must have been such times right?


maybe that's my selfish ego-centric side that puts myself up on a pedestal and shuts my eyes and memory. and because of that, I'm now blind to how awful and selfish I am as a person.


what does this mean about me?


it means I still don't fully grasp the concept of love. I understand parts of it. and I try earnestly to be gentler. but I don't know love the way Jesus does.


"but he was wounded for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed." Isaiah 53:5

that is love. where while he disassociated himself with evil and all that is poisonous, he still die for us to set us free from it. he kept away from the corrupt, only speaking to them to rebuke and correct. he asked his disciples to "shake the sand from (their) sandals" when they leave a house of unbelief to signify a relationship broken.

yet even with the broken relationship, he still loves and prays for them. all of them.


I don't fully know love. I'll just have to keep working at it. as long as I have time on earth, I'll keep figuring it out, even if it is self-destructive for now. keep me in your prayers.

In a societal pond where the paper chase is endless and degrees, masters and phds are somewhat revered, there's a ripple on the surface.

we are now told that you can't eat a paper. that it's what you do about your situation that defines you are in life. that regardless of the education you have received, you can achieve things. you can be a better person.

and I believe that. I see the man sweeping the street with his head bowed in shame. yet when I give him a small smile as I pass by, his face lights up with a smile in return. that versus the numb faces of the  'highly educated' people in the office building lift, all buried in the brain-washing glow of their smartphones.. nary a smile or a small nod to say good morning.

there is a ripple.

people coming out to share success stories of how they beat the odds and came out from the runt that they were shoved into. people of authority telling us to acknowledge the talents in what society views as "less educated".


then I talk to people 'on the inside' and they don't buy it. their unchanging perceptions remain that these people are less educated because they are not equipped to cope with education and as such, are condemned to a lifetime of being unable to comprehend simple english or logic thinking.


and I'm reminded... it's only a ripple. it disturbs the surface. it spreads for a while. then it disappears, as though it's never been there. that's all a ripple does.

society needs more than just a ripple. sigh.

Come back when you hear this song
Wherever you are, whoever you’re with
I’m sorry, so come back
I’m regretting, so come back
Come back when you hear this song
Wherever you are, whoever you’re with


oh my dear boys, I never left. even though you made me wait for 2 years, I never really left. even more so when your first comeback stage is on such an amazing day.

absolutely trippin' with excitement. whee~

so talking about the strange otp (own-team-pairing) that crazy hallyu fans put their favorite singers in...

the jonghyun-taemin ship came up. I don't know how this otp came about but I guess it's got to do with the fact that they are the only two in SHINee to share a room. the other 3 boys have their own rooms. furthermore, there was the extremely hot Internet War performance where both boys were caught up in the moment and actually 'kissed'. not french. not snog. but their lips met. briefly.

(read here for the madness and some fancams of the performance) 

still, it hasn't stopped them from performing the song over and over again at their concerts and also at SMTown Live.

so I decided to show OmmaS over googlechat an extremely explicit gif (link in the conversation below) that was dedicated to the Internet War performance between my two favorite performers in the group.

and this conversation ended up happening...


me:

and the reason why the jongmin ship is sailing to the ends of the world
http://thekpopdoctor.tumblr.com/post/49140124376/buing-iton-oppa-dinopuppyjonghyun-jongtae
(after 1 min)  i hope your screen isn't blown up..

OmmaS:

IT TOTALLY IS!!!!!
AND I'M TRYING TO SCROLL DAMN FAST

me:
OMG!

OmmaS:
BUT IT'S ALL SO BIG!!!

me:
minimize!! MINIMIZE!!!

OmmaS:

I'M SCARED TO TURN AROUND NOW
some colleague standing there will be giving me strange looks

me:
shit. i'm laughing so hard now i'm tearing

OmmaS:
I HATE YOU!!!!




the shit we get up to... HAHAHAHAHAHA. I love my omma.

on saturday, over tea with the family, the uncle asked the younger brother when he was going to get married. we chatted a bit about it and then i remarked that he was still a student. without a house and without money, he wouldn't be getting married any time soon.

my uncle turned to my brother, "better than some people. got house and got money still cannot find someone to marry."

then he looked at me and laughed.

F****** ASSHOLEEEEEEE

I love my uncle. I know he's joking. but that was such a low blow and uncalled for. so I smiled at him and turned to talk to my sister instead.


I'm sorry that I'm not sorry for my "high" expectations. but it is just that hard to find someone who I can talk to and trust to keep me on the right path towards God. especially when guys around me keep cementing the fact that they are assholes.


men. pfffft.

I've been seeing a post pop up suddenly on my fb newsfeed. about why and how women should travel alone.

and it's all by girls who are suddenly(?) inspired to travel alone.

(honestly, the article is more what girls should do when traveling alone than why girls should travel alone)

her point was about "being a bad ass" read: here

I frowned when I was done with the article. firstly, where was this article back in 2007 when almost everyone was freaking out about me going to Taipei alone? secondly, I don't think she's traveled alone enough to understand what it means and how much more enriching it is to travel alone. or she just didn't put it down in words.


it's true that you don't have to answer to anyone when traveling alone and you can be "selfish" for once. that's what I felt the first time I traveled alone. when I was planning. knowing that I could wake up each day with no agenda and just do whatever I wanted to. that freedom was incredible.

but traveling alone is more than just a "bad ass" experience.

I've always known that I'm responsible for myself and no one should be burdened for my sake. but that struck me even more when I was really completely alone in a country with no one to rely on. I'm responsible for how I feel. I'm responsible for myself and no one should have to look out for me or take care of me. I shouldn't count on others to change things for me.

Since then, that insatiable thirst to be alone grew. I ate alone more. I started going out alone. I was no longer ashamed of telling people that I was alone in town or having dinner or having lunch. instead, I started to feel sorry for people who thought it was sad to be alone.

one of life's biggest lesson is learning to love yourself enough to be comfortable with being by yourself. and traveling alone taught me that.

of course I have my lonely moments. but loneliness and being alone are two very different things. I can be surrounded by familiar faces and feel lonely and sad. I can also be walking down the empty rose garden near Hyde Park myself and feeling absolute peace and glee.

and honestly, words cannot describe the change in a person's mindset when traveling alone. not just for women, but for the men too. to find comfort in solitude. of course there are only so many cherry blossom streets you can walk before all the couples around you make you depressed. but that's another story.

so go forth, people! travel alone!

why do I love such an insane(ly talented) man?



mad beats. killer bass. truly maddening

from following him to feed stray cats..

to trying mystery meats on his plate to make sure it's fish..


to now doing a body check to make sure there are no cockroaches on him.



even with all the strange names you coin for me each time, thank you for making my work days a little more fun each time. ^-^

random bimbo thoughts:

(1)
I hope to find a way where running with long hair is not a pain. buns don't work. braids don't work. and when it's in a normal ponytail, it's slapping and sticking on my shoulder. I've invested too much to get it to this length. I'm not cutting it. (totally understand why girls on ANTM break down when their long locks are chopped above their shoulders..)

maybe I should start wearing t-shirts with sleeves to run.

(2)
despite the weighing scale screaming "RUN, FAT GIRL, RUN!!!" at me, people have been telling me that I've lost weight since November. including people who see me regularly.

that's a good thing, right?

please don't say otherwise when I come back from eat-all-the-fried-chicken-drink-all-the-beer-for-supper land. T-T

candid phone photo during baptism service last Sunday @ YWCA

just a day before good Friday and unlike other years, I'm heading to a friend's church for service tonight. Mandarin service, no less. I think my eyes will be widening a lot not because of what that is taught but because my stupid brain can't translate fast enough.

another thing different? the questions I've gotten today.

why today? what's the significance? so how is Sunday different from Friday? why does He give me life only to reject me on my deathbed?

I've never been so careful in picking the words to say. I know he's asking because he genuinely wants to understand. not to fight with me. not because he wants to believe. not because he wants to find ways to beat it down. he simply wants to understand what I'm thinking. no strings or conditions attached. and our working relationship makes it so easy for us to sit down and consider all these things, most of the time agreeing to disagree, and still work together over projects.

so I shared a little with the CG girls. to ask them for their prayers that I'd continue to be wise and gentle in my words. no emotional blackmail. no "this is what I experienced". simply, "this is what the bible says". (whether the bible is the truth or not, that's something my friend has to resolve with himself.)

then one of the girls shared her struggles.

honestly, it makes me so incredibly thankful to watch people frown and mull over the word. I still struggle with the word. I struggle with it every day of my life. what God says. what God commands. what God thinks. it always reminds me of a conclusion I came to after talking to a Brother.

I struggle because I care. the day I stop struggling is the day I become indifferent to the word: the day I become indifferent to God.

I pm'ed the girl. assured her that her struggles were not unfounded. that it's natural. so we're going to meet up. to talk about our struggles. to work together to understand better what Christianity means.




I don't think I've ever been more excited in my life. ^-^

there is peace and joy to be found in the little things in life.

I've started to pick up the pen again. but instead of words, i've been mindlessly doodling. the usual nonsense. swirls. strange patterns. little shadow figures.

it doesn't mean anything to anyone but these little things make my day a little more bearable. maybe i should start painting again. i haven't picked up a brush for ages. like since secondary school. and i used to paint all the time as a kid. what happened? art classes happened. ahahahaha.

but really, it's the little things in life that can bring simple joy.


like the other night, i was at the cab stand, trying to get home. the cab arrived and said it was heading to Orchard, which i wasn't. three persons from the party of 5 behind me said they were going to Shangri-La. so they took the cab. when the next cab came, i asked the remaining couple where they were headed to. they said Shang as well. so i asked them to share the cab with me since it wasn't too out of the way.

in the cab, i learnt more about the elderly couple. they were both from UK and moved to Perth in 1981. today, they are semi-retired with gorgeous kids and grandchildren. with time on their hands as all they have now is their small family business, they've been traveling around Asia. before Singapore, they were in Hanoi and Malacca. and i had managed to catch them on their last night in Singapore.

When we were reaching the hotel, the lady told the gentleman to "remember to pay for the ride". i rejected their offer, saying that they were guests. to take the trip as a gesture to remember Singapore by. the gentleman laughed and scolded me as he handed me a $10. I insisted that it was too much and a $5 would suffice. he laughed again and thanked me as he jumped out of the cab, leaving the $10 behind.

when i reached home, the cab fare was a mere $12.50. the detour didn't add much to the value so i handed the cab driver $20, telling him to keep the change. he stared at the money in shock and told me it was too much. i laughed and told him that the tourists had given me too much anyway and that it may make his night just a little shorter.

it's the little things.

the other day when heading to S's house for dinner on the train, this man near me started coughing violently. his whole body wrecked with each cough. looking old, thin, tanned and not exactly very clean, i watched as the working adults moved away from him uncomfortably. it wasn't that he was coughing with his mouth open. he covered his mouth carefully and was trying to hold back the coughing fit as his whole body shook. people still inched away and gave him weird stares.

my stop was next so i hurriedly dug through my bag for tissue to hand to him. no tissue, damnit. i saw him get off his seat and head to the door just as my fingers closed over a small medicine pack. i still had my herbal lozenges from the doctor's.

we both got off the train and i quickly took out the medication and tore off a little strip of lozenges. i walked towards him and handed it to him. he stared at me. i smiled, completely uncertain if he understood much english, "medicine. for your cough. your throat."

the man took the medicine, stared at it for a second before turning back to look at me, a bright smile on his face, "Thank you. God bless you, dear. Thank you."




i don't get happiness from their happiness. my day is made better knowing that i have the opportunity to make someone's day better and i used that opportunity. i don't even feel immense glee knowing that i helped. instead, there's a small joy that comes from the peace within.

D asked me why i share these little stories with others. i told him that i wanted people to know that these are little things that have no impact on us but amazing impact on those who receive a little love. that it's not hard to extend a hand and a little heart to these strangers. i wanted to share how easy it is to help.


it really is the little things that bring the peace which leads to simple joy.

so on Sunday after class, i stepped on the weighing scale. the last time i stepped on a scale was in Nov after i horrendously recovered a little too well after the bout of gastric flu and food poisoning.

maybe it was all the water i was chugging during the break.. but.


omg. all that hard work. and i'm not even at my ideal mark? wth? all i did was lose 1 kg since Nov. really??


on hindsight, i was at my ideal weight when i had that 2-week long stomach flu. when i had no appetite and couldn't eat without the food coming back out.

and judging by the way i was stuffing my face before dinner yesterday...

i wish i didn't love food so much. T-T

after a supposed night of chilling turned into something way madder, i really need to give my body a break.

i don't recover as fast anymore. damnit. i need to practice self-control in front of champagne.


on the other hand, i'm still amazed at the internal clockwork that decides enough is enough and sends me home in one piece even without others knowing. waking up in my own bed at 3 am to see a flurry of texts from everyone asking me where i am from midnight onwards... it just happens.

i'm not taking it for granted. God has been good to me but i don't want the day to come where i can't find my own way home. sigh. self-control.. self-control.

when i was growing up, i was the least sporty one in the family.

i played netball and basketball only because i generally enjoy playing them. but they were strictly for recreational purposes. I've always been a round little thing joining clubs and doing social work.

PFT was one of my biggest nightmare. Other than sit and reach (for a non-sporty person, i was strangely more flexible than my siblings), i struggled through each station.

at my heaviest, i was 53kg. no joke. i was one fat ass kid. people called me a little teapot 'cos i was "short and stout".

then i started dragonboating and every thing change.

the little girl who struggled to maintain 9s on the inclined pull-up bar became a girl who did 21 inclined pull ups in less than 30s without breaking a sweat. the kid that hated to run 1.6k 13 years ago is now completing 10k jogging sessions to prepare for the sundown 42.195 marathon.

every buff guy i see becomes an goal. not to get the guy. but to get a body like the guy. i know girls aren't genetically equipped to get the muscle definition that guys have. but it's still a goal. at my leanest meanest period, i had a 4-pack. i miss those days. inspiration... inspiration...

from http://itsbap.tumblr.com/
remember, the guy isn't the goal. although i wouldn't mind if i get this one. Hohohohohoho

Forget motivational posts and quotes. i'm my own favorite and best motivator and motivation.

i've hopelessly lost my heart to one of the cutest boys ever.

as all of us have professed time and time again... good looks run in the family. it's in the genes. *hohohohohoho


please keep safe in Shanghai, little one. I'm waiting for you and your sister to come back and wrap me in your tight little hugs once more!

Monday morning and i'm in pain. haven't ached this way in such a long time...


but omg, muay thai is rather fun! think I was most shocked when G grabbed the body padding and asked me to kick him. I'm now able to execute a roundhouse kick. probably not the best at it but it was amazing. it was such a rush to punch and kick. the raw tiredness. the dull ache. the impact of skin on skin...

probably a better option than craving the smell of gunpowder and smoke coupled with unbearable heat on the face after a huge-ass mama explosion.


i guess G-san is right. i'm probably more "man" than him. LOL.


on a more girly side note, i really wish BAP was less addictive. so I can sleep earlier at night instead of watching one youtube video after another. don't think i was this mad even with 2PM and Big Bang. kyaaaaah~ i need to get me a busan boy.

B.A.P has been driving me quite mad. and apparently they've been driving people quite mad around the world. considering the fact that they were the top hip hop album in iTunes USA yesterday when "One Shot EP" was released.

Number 1 on iTunes SG to celebrate its release today. YAY!!

there's mad talent in these young ones. song of the moment? BYG's older solo, "I remember", from the Crash single.

I have the original version with Yoseob. I do adore Yoseob's voice. there's a certain whiny-ness that reminds me of GD. then today, I decided that I needed to purchase the track where Daehyun is featured instead. i love B2ST but with Daehyun, it's just called keeping it within the family.


and omg. Daehyun's voice. Yoseob sounds like he's hurting and he wants to make the hurting stop. Daehyun sounds like he's angry that he's letting the pain get the better of him.



i just want to take that Busan kid home and have ice cream with him until we're both happy. amazing amazing song created by BYG and Chance. mad love and respect for them both!

love is buying a hot fudge sundae to keep in the fridge for me to enjoy during bible study because my jaw is aching from the braces. even though it's drizzling and it's a 10-15 min walk from the train station to the house.

to my friends, i'm going to be a little floaty and dreamy for these few weeks 'cos seriously, the pain is ridiculously bad this time round. please bear with me!

i know why i've given up on most english music.

like seriously. at least one One Direction photo will appear on my instagram popular feeds. really? the teeny bopper band that lip synced during the Olympics? I would have rather them tone down their jumping/dancing to sing properly and show the closing ceremony a little more respect. C'mon, you were performing with Brian May and Take That.

the kpop scene doesn't lie about lip-syncing or singing live. there are bands that are known to lip sync so they can concentrate on the dance which is their selling point. for others, you hear their voices disappear to the main track playing when they are dancing. you hear their actual voice rise up against the track playing. you hear the tiredness. you hear the strains. you hear them sing.

there's the added training of writing and composing songs for the younger groups.

sure, 2pm isn't writing their own songs. but they are moving in that direction. you see some of their names appear as lyricists and composers as they spend more time in the studios. and it's decent songs.

and there's Big Bang. with the mad talented Kwon Ji Yong. the blonde rapping wonder who writes his own songs on his own album. before i even knew he was writing the songs, he was my favorite. this pint size bundle of energy was leading the group to do wonders on stage.

then B.A.P breaks out on the scene in early 2012. a young group addressing themes like societal judgement, being trapped by rules that don't make sense, running towards their dreams, rising up against the challenges. the most intense songs were about stalking and then revenge on a lover. eerie lyrics with such emotions behind the deep husky rap by the leader. so since the leader, another blonde yummy rapper and my fave, is just a 22-yo, i thought to enjoy their music without thinking about the lyricists or composers.

when watching their very first showcase on youtube last night, i realized that my favorite 22-yo contributed as lyricist for ALL THE SONGS.


what the hell?

such raw talent. and he knows that he's still lacking. he looks back on his older songs, critiques them, and pushes himself further. he was already my fave before i knew how talented he was.



forget english songs

i'm in love with my blonde talented rappers. hahahahahaha.

having missed morning service yesterday, I headed over to church in the afternoon for the afternoon service with questions from the previous week sermon. I had to get my answers from Denesh so I dragged myself to church.

when I got there slightly late due to the jam, I found myself sitting in the middle of two of my favorite boys from Uni days. it felt like 2006/2007 all over again.

Then our closing song? "Servants of the gospel". our "anthem" back then. I smiled inwardly.

it felt like university again. surrounded by familiar and unfamiliar faces. cheeky smses circulating before and after the sermon. a message so resounding. songs that remind me i'm not alone in this walk..


i'm home. after the prayers and consideration in December, i'd made that decision to move. and now, i'm home. ^-^

During QT yesterday while reading John 4, i got to this part:

A woman from Samaria came to draw water. Jesus said to her, “Give me a drink.” (For his disciples had gone away into the city to buy food.) The Samaritan woman said to him, “How is it that you, a Jew, ask for a drink from me, a woman of Samaria?” (For Jews have no dealings with Samaritans.) Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, ‘Give me a drink,’ you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.” (John 4:7-10)

my stupid brain then went:

"hey, remember Secret Garden? When Joo Won told Gi Ra-In to follow him and she asked him who he was that she should follow? Then Joo Won told her that if she knew who the person asking her to follow was, she would apologize and ask to go with him?"


i stopped short and looked up from the passage… wtf, brain??? urgh.

Spending the end of 2012 and the start of 2013 in Hong Kong was simply... incredible. mad fun. insane love for my friends who are in Hong Kong. one of the best trips i've done in a while, the last being Melbourne with the girls.

that ridiculous hike in Sai Wan, reminding me that there is an intelligent design behind the scenes, moulding each mountain and valley. that there is an intelligent design behind why things work. reminding me that there is an intelligent designer behind it all.

and i'm still amazed by how easily the few of us re-connected despite not seeing one another since graduation when they moved to Hong Kong to work. the conversations flowed so easily. and everyone would quieten down when the food arrives. and automatically, someone will take the lead and say a prayer for the food and the friendships that we formed so many years ago.

such a far cry from our uni days where the slowest to respond would be the one to pray for everyone before the meal. like praying was such a hard thing.

gone are those days.

in place of that, i see young adults absolutely grateful and thankful for friends, food, and well, life in general. that in the ugliness and nastiness, we have it good. and we thank God for all that, never stopping to pray for those in need when we can't physically lend a hand or voice.

it's been an awful end of the year. with all the dismal and depressing news. the usual question of "if God exists, why is there pain? especially during the time we remember his birth?"

on a side note, i've never maintained that Christmas is the day Jesus was born. for as long as i've been a Christian, Christmas has always been the day to remind me to continually remember that Jesus was born.

but back to the point of suffering, i remember reading CS Lewis' (bless that dear man) "Problem with Pain". the summary of it was simply, it had to happen. for us to understand blessing. for us to understand grace. for us to realize what fallen creatures we are. for us to appreciate what God has done by sending His son to die on the cross and make things right in His time.

I still grapple with that fact every day. why me? why not someone else? why not those crying for help? why make the pain of others so incredibly painful?

honestly, i never have an answer for that. i'm completely unworthy of His grace. completely undeserving. completely unable to comprehend the design that brings joy to some and pain to others.

Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways! “For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor?” - Romans 11:33-34

may i continue to grow more and more this year. to continue seeking to understand more. to question more. to learn more. that i may learn to appreciate the design that's set so many things in motion. this is my prayer.