one thing i like about songs is how the melody gets stuck in your head and you keep humming it over and over again. and before you know it, you're singing along to the tune in your head.. and the words just pound and pound repeatedly.

and it hits you. it hits you so beautifully when the words convey such an important message.. an important reminder.. an amazing consolation to all the fleeting things of vanity that life promises at this very instance. the one song ODing in my head? Prince of Peace

You are Holy (Prince of Peace)
guys - blue / girls - red / combined - purple
You are holy (echo)
You are mighty (echo)
You are worthy (echo)
Worthy of praise (echo)
I will follow (echo)
I will listen (echo)
I will love You (echo)
All of my days (echo)

I will sing to and worship (You are Lord of lords, You are Kings of kings)
The King who is worthy (You are mighty God, Lord of everything)
I will love and adore Him (You're Emmanuel, You're the Great I AM)
I will bow down before Him (You are Prince of Peace who is the Lamb)

I will sing to and worship (You are Living God, You are Saving Grace)
The King who is worthy (You will reign forever, You are Ancient of Day)
I will love and adore Him (You are alpha, omega, beginning and end)
I will bow down before Him (You're my Savior, Messiah, Redeemer and Friend)

You're my Prince of peace
I will live my life for you

how's that for a song? tells us who He is.. tells us what to do.. and gives us so much hope. Prince of peace. the one way to reconciliation for us. the one way to true peace within any person. true peace is not your typical beauty pageant world-peace crap. i'm talking about the peace that allows you to look into the mirror, be both disgusted and blessed with what you see, and get by each day, knowing full well that He's all you have and need.

because He's your everything.

It's sooooo stuck in my head. :P

Work makes me depressed.

What's even more depressing is that retail therapy does nothing for me nowadays. I walk in and out of shops aimlessly. Nothing catches my fancy anymore. Shoes don't fit as well and aren't what I have in mind. Apparels just leave me bored as I filter in and out of shops.

Perhaps it's the fashion of the seasons that don't thrill me anymore. Or perhaps I'm just too boring.

What ever happened to the clean classic fitted white t-shirt? Or basic quarter sleeves with details in the collar.

Crap. I can't find anything in the stores that thrill me. I have my own grips even about the underwear styles and brands I swear by.

Then again, it's hard when you're always digging through the bargain bins or mid-range price shops. I tried a dress from the penelope cruz dress from mango. Didn't thrill me. Then I remember a ted baker dress I tried. It was classy and simple, not over the top. It was tailored and it was flattering. It had a high 3 digit price-tag to it.

I hate fashion. It creates a mould for people to fit into and leaves little room for individualism. I can't follow seasons. From safaris to maxi dresses to tunics. The worse is prob bubble skirts. I'm not saying that people who wear stuff like that are wrong. I'm saying people who wear stuff for the sake of fashion and feel uncomfortable and don't even like how they look are dumb. Why conform to the 'fashion of the times'?

Maybe that's why I love hats. No one touches hats. Classic fedoras, baseball caps and the brown hat that I go every where with. Prob the only clothing that I truly feel comfortable with and love to wear. It's easy to find a hat I like. Still..

Style is lost on the world. Clothes shouldn't make people self-conscious of themselves. Clothes should make people feel comfortable and relaxed and beautiful. When I walk the streets, I see people. I see good-looking people. There are truly beautiful people out there, just not as many as there should be. Beautiful people are those who like what they wear, are comfortable with what they wear and not make people's eyes burn with horror when they walk past. Being comfortable in clashing pj-like clothes at raffles place is not beautiful.

As I write this, I'm tugging at my white top. It keeps eating up into my pits...

I write this as a late tribute to a style guru. He knew what he was doing. He knew that his designs were not made for breakthroughs in the fashion world. He knew that his designs were for women. He didn't do it just for the fame, he did it for the women.

From the man who once said, "Fashions fade, style is eternal", hats off to you, Yves Saint Laurent.

i've changed.

i used to be the one that no one would make an initiative to talk to. just because i look unapproachable. just because i look haughty and couldn't care less about making conversation.

yet, things have changed. i still remember the last time i walked to raffles city from office and a mormon spoke to me. he wasn't evangelizing. we were really just chatting about walking and the weather. all he did was say hi. i returned the greeting and the conversation started.

the second last time i bought a CD (Augustana), the counter staff at hmv started talking to me about acoustic bands. he asked me for recommendations and i admitted that i wasn't one who knew too much about acoustic bands. then we started to chat abt buying trends of the music-listening crowd.

then the guy at gramaphone struck up a conversation when i was paying for Jason Mraz's latest album. and yes, i do not have Mraz's first album. anyone wanna buy it for me?

recently, i've just been talking to strangers. at the viet deli, a stranger struck up a conversation with me about viet cuisine while we were waiting for our baguettes. at soup spoon, i introduced the wonders of the weekly special to the stranger at the next table. Simon and Garfunkel is good stuff.

makes me wonder. the guys besides the counter staff at both CD shops were caucasians. maybe it's not me. it's just the people that by chance are near me. maybe i haven't changed. just the people around me have. :)

**

anyone knows where i can go for good chilli crab besides melban? i need options. and quick. ;P

God,

grant me the serenityto accept the things I cannot change;

the courage to change the things I can;

the wisdom to know the difference;

and the strength to not kill those around me

It just says a lot when you feel very alone. suddenly. makes you wonder if you're the one changing for the worse when you try to please Him more and more. still praying.. still praying.

i cannot tolerate irresponsible late people who disregard the feelings of others who make an effort to be on time.

i've lost count of the number of times where people sms me at the time that we're s'posed to meet and tell me that they'll be late by more than 15 min. would it kill to sms earlier? would it kill to even just sms?

all the lame excuses i've heard.. i make the effort to be on time. when i'm pressed for time to meet the appointed time, i will cab. just 'cos i don't like to keep people waiting. and i will sms even if i'm going to be 5 min late.

don't tell me to be late as well. that has got to be the most unloving and discouraging thing that any and every like-minded person in any fellowship has told me. a time is set aside for a purpose.

the worse are those who aren't sincere. where apology is just a fomality and they brush it off with a "sorry la. but everyone's late also.."

well, i was there on-freaking-time. and it tells me that you don't care abt me. you don't give thought to my effort to be on time. i hate to be taken for granted.

as ironic as it is, it's usually the pagans who are sincerely apologetic. my own fellowship takes it for granted. we should forgive one another right? so if they screw up, i should be loving and forgive them right?

so does that give them room to be unloving, impolite and show absolute disregard to my feelings? don't brush off my feelings. it pisses me off. it hurts when people don't bother.

sure, it's a "singapore" thing to be late. just 'cos it's in the culture, it doesn't make it right. it just means that the entire irresponsibly late people are all guilty. if people were thrown in jails for being late and irresponsible, our cells would be overcrowded.

i'm not saying you can't be late. i'm saying you can't be irresponsible. don't lose track of time. don't assume everyone is going to be late. don't sms people at the appointed time to tell them that you're going to be half an hour late. give early notice!

the next time something like that happens, i'm cancelling my attendance. i don't want to humor 'friends' who disrespect me.
***

on a lighter note, my dance instructor just poked my tummy on saturday and told me to lose weight. i was beyond horrified. where did all that tire appear for him to poke poke??

so starts my plan to save money and lose weight. i'm embarking on the sandwich lunch. this week, i'll be lazy and just have white bread. will progress to wholemeal by next week. as evidence of my laziness, i cldn't find my lunchbox this morning. which meant that my cherry tomatoes would have to get themselves another container.

i stood and stared around the kitchen for half a minute, cherry tomatoes in one hand and still waiting for my ham to heat up. then i popped all three into my mouth while making the sandwich.

and oh, i'm going to take up yoga. lose weight, i say, lose weight, you fat-face chinese girl!

****

~Sample of OD-ed playlist of the moment~

what about taking this empty cup

and filling it up with a little bit more of innocence

i haven't had enough

it's probably because when you're young

it's ok to be easily ignored

i'd love to believe it was about love for a child

- Jason Mraz "Love for a child"

espressos should come in a drip. something that i can IV into myself and get it to my bloodstreams. i foresee that buying a short latte with double shot espresso from my good friend every morning will leave me, well, rather broke. money pumped into the sweet smelling arabica beans sounds ideal in the short run but my nervous system and pockets would hate me for it.

perhaps it's the exhaustion from finally coming to terms with one too many things last night. the realization of really, what a shithead i am.

part of me wishes to curl up and pretend that the past 5 years never happened. that it was just a dream and that i can just go on living life the way i intended to. a life of luxury and extravagance of weekly visits to paragon, pulling my two IV drips with me: one for my failing liver, one for my espresso.

another part of me is still blowing that amber from the fire that started 5 years ago. still praying fervantly that the fire will be ignited once more and this time, more vicious than the last time. with His name on my lips and just giving thanks for each and every daily struggle and joy.

there's time to sort all that out. not much time but there's time. for now, let's just settle for coffee