Internship's ok so far.. got my mp3s as usual.. just a different one. i won a 512mb samsung mp3. hee hee... happy.. 150 songs.. 5 times the normal! i haven't even used up all the space in the mp3 player. Listening to songs i used to listen to in JC.. fond memories of laughing in LT1 over alice singing to some dude at DBS just to get a song title.. even all the heads in the mezzanine floor bowed over the Econs/Maths/Physics TYS while our ears are plugged with songs from mp3 players or cd players. one song, in particular, i think meant the most to us, sa5ivers.. not that it was our class song or anything. but i think i can safely say that everyone appreciated the song and adored it.. to the extent of blasting it in our ears. This is the song alice sung to the DBS guy.. from the DBS cashline ad.. "Life is Beautiful"

In the morning, i feel the breeze
The sun washes over me
the sound of the water, the crashing sea
is it only me that feels alive
It's all ahead of me
'cos it feels so right
just open your eyes and see
that life is beautiful, it's beautiful to me
life is beautiful, it's beautiful to me
Life can take you anywhere
You don't know where it leads you
Don't you know you're not alone
Just open your eyes and see
that life is beautiful, it's beautiful to me
life is beautiful, it's beautiful to me

the lyrics are simple.. but the effects.. it's almost as those the song echos in ur head when u listen to it. of course without the distraction of the very out-of-pt DBS cashline ad. listening to it now. reminds me of alwyn walking around with his monster earphones in class listening to it. and it was constantly on my playlist on my way to sch and while i studied. along with songs like Another Level's "From the heart", BBMak's "Ghost of You and Me" (no, MichEng, it's not "your ghost and me"), Pan Wei Bo's "Wo bu pa" (i'm not afraid) and Wang Lee Hom's "Bu yao Hai Pa" (don't be afraid).. all of which are in the list of 150 songs that i have right now. yay!

anywayz, shall be deadly thick-skinned. my 21st bday's coming up.. 13th May (yesh cy.. Friday 13..).. Mind you, I was born on mother's day, if that counts for anything…a present to my mom. for gift ideas, look to my wishlist at the side bar. click on each item for pictures aka details. thanks ah! those who want to get me stuff from there, do let me know.. so i can cross it out to prevent "double-giftings". i'm not that into surprise gifts unless u are absolutely sure that i want that item. and no, i do not want a bf as a present. gosh.

impt note to make: my darling cf-ers... if you're one those who can spend up $20 for ur friend's 21st, don't do that for me please. i rather u share with others to pay $5.. and pass the other $15 to our staffworker fund, yar? and if u're a crazy self-confessed $40+ person (jc, u know who i'm talking abt...), even better. $5 to me, $35 to the staff worker fund. thank you!

back from ABR. it was a good time of learning, fellowshipping, a lot of laughing and eating as well... as tiring as each day was, it seemed that everyone shared the same sentiment of staying up late just to get to know one another better.. be it through taboo, bridge, embarrassing stories, suppers or trying to survive burps of durians (for only the last night, thankfully!!). the whole camp was a really good reminder to continue to put our faith and confidence in the word of God. i do not doubt that there were ppl who took offend at some of the things learnt. it really forced them to go back to the bible to read it for how it is to be read. ultimately understanding that there is only one interpretation of the bible but many applications.

plus they were challenged.. which is good, really. challenged by the fact that God speaks to us through the bible and nowhere else... not dreams or visions. All Scripture is God-breathed. the word is sufficient. why are we pushing it away to look for more when we already have God's word? i guess they took time to digest it. hope they think more abt it.. reflect on it. which is good.. remembering that we have to be teachable as a church if we want to build the church up. it's not just the members that have to be humble to learn or even relearn things.. even the leaders need to do that.. to be able to drop burdens to pick up what God's saying to us, not what we want God to say to us.

nevertheless, the camp was good stuff.. now FOC to look to.. to welcome the freshmen and newcomers to cf.. hee hee..

oh, found jellytots! good stuff.. good stuff.. ahahahaha but the packaging has changed.

old

i remember the familiar yellow packaging and the orange grinning face.. the sweetness of jelly tots always made me smile and the tiny sugary fruit gum would turn a depressing day around. well, it's no longer what it was..

new

well, what counts is that it's still the same jelly tots that i like!

Lord, grant that i shall never seek

so much to be consoled as to console

to be understood, as to understand

or to be loved, as to love with all my heart

- Eugene Roe "Band of Brothers"

I think Band of Brothers (BoB) did what few war movies managed to do.. the portrayal of emotional and mental scarring of everyone. it failed to romanticize heroic acts... failed to spin a love story for that hollywood style.. it was a poem of its own kind. it just reminds ppl that after these people go home, they cannot and will never be what they were before war. the portrayal of Buck broke my heart.. and Malarkey's mood after losing 5 of his best friends.. reminds me of a quote by Eric Bana's character in Black Hawk Down, remarking on the ppl who ask him why he's such a "war junkie"...

"I don't say anything... they'll never understand that it's about the person beside you."

the whole battle at Bastogne. 143 down to 65 ppl at the end of if. Eugene Roe's POV, Lipton's POV.. the bombing of the hospital.. the mortars and shelling of the frontline foxholes.. watching ppl watch their own friends/comrades being blown up in front of them. How can you go back to living life the same?

one thing that struck me was the leadership. I was in awe of the various leaders in E company, not counting LT Dike of course. watching Buck, Lipton, Raddleman... Speirs, Nixon.. Winters. the way they conducted themselves. the way they stood for their men and pushed each one. and you wonder why E company kept escaping from the hospital to fight with each other instead of taking that well-needed rest. The leaders motivate.. they built the team. Winters has been with them since the beginning and he never left them. that one dramatic scene where Speirs ran across the German soldiers and tanks in Foy to reach I Company to help E company... then running past the enemies in full view again to get back to his own ppl. how can you not admire ppl like them?

i cried. during part 6:Bastogne and 7:the breaking point. cried so hard. ok, i'm a crier at movies, i admit. i hate watching sad shows with guys esp.. 'cept passion of the christ. some of the guys were sobbing more than me. but i don't feel comfortable knowing that they might turn to see me cry. but honestly, i cried throughout part 6 esp. everytime i saw the faces of the men who try to help their dying comrades, i'm sobbing like nuts.

anywayz, saw the advertisement for One, a call out to ppl to sign a declaration to fight poverty, starvation and aids. why One? check out the website for the various reasons. i like one the best. "1% of the american budget will transform the future of the a generation in africa". i'm sure ppl are slamming this ad though.. the celebs trying to get "publicity" and airtime.. looking good. but look this way, it's a trade off. the movement gets awareness too. you think the livestrong would have been so successful if celebs weren't parading the yellow silicon band like a bloody fashion accessory? i say leave the celebs alone and stop slamming them unless you help out as much or even more than them. even if their motivation is wrong, who are we, as fallen ppl likely to be guilty of similar offences, to judge them? let's leave the judging to the Almighty.

ABR starts tmr.. can't wait. no lappy.. just friends and total devotion to understanding more about God. pray for my friends and me.. that we will make full use of our time together to share lives and continue encouraging each other to wait for the Kingdom of God, in hope of Christ's second return!

Give me a moment to be that closet feminine shopaholic:

Found absolutely adorable off shoulder tops that i've been looking for... from victoria's secret! the link is only to the "tops" site. wondering if the desperate housewives wardrobe manager shops there. looks like smth eva's character wears all the time.. like that coral ring back blouse on the first page. *droolz* i want! need to shop shop shop.. i want to stock up on plain colored tanks.. shop!! gosh. i'm going to go broke with the overseas shopping. ahahaha. ok. back to the books.

Little Prince (II)

one thing that struck me when i read the book was the simple anguish the little prince felt when he realizes that his rose is seemingly not the only one in the universe after he sees a garden of roses. he then meets the fox who teaches him the idea of taming. and after the little prince tames the fox, they have a bond and that makes the fox unique to him even though there are loads of foxes in the world. he then goes back to the garden and tells the roses that his rose is still unique because she is his to count for, that they have a bond which the other roses do not have with their own master.

simple understanding, isn't it? take it in human context. how uniquely special people are to us is no more than a creation on our part. and it's an amazing creation to have that bond. that idea of "taming" can be used on families, lovers and friends.. the idea that that one person is unique from everyone else because of that bond you share with him/her. and another aspect of taming that Antoine brought up was the emotions that followed. when the fox left the prince, they were both sad. the rose, though proud, cried when the little prince left her. the little prince was upset that he had to leave his rose behind. i don't doubt that there are "good" emotions involved in this taming as well. it's just for us to decide whether the "bad" emotions are worthed it as well. i mean, you'll never understand joy if you don't understand hurt. how do you know love if you don't know hate?

we can choose to be emotionless shells that pass each other everyday on the streets. but we were created to be relational beings. that's why for lovers, despite the many other "fish in the sea", their own lovers are uniquely special to them. it goes for families and friends too. i can go further into analyzing the regrets of "taming" but honestly, does it matter? it differs from person to person and it wld just make my post far too long. i can go on and on abt the little prince. but let's leave it here for now. wait 'til i next read the book again.

ok. updates on my mundane life.
- looking forward to the ABR. then the foc. in the camp committee again. enjoyable though stressful. seriously hoping that we will be able to reach out to the christians and non-christians alike for the camp to "tame" each other and fellowship so we can continue encouraging each other, preparing each other for the return of our Messiah.
- internship ends 15th july. hope the hk trip works out finally too. and the bangkok one too. hope i have money left for tioman or smth.
-i got my pendant!! the emerald's big and i wish i had eyes for it to compliment. feel like a tai tai!!
-cannot find jellytots. i miss them.
-updates at my story blog. stog? ahahaha.. sounds funny. check it out here. a little tribute to my dearest sa5ivers. names have been changed to protect the identities..

Little Prince (I)

i've lost count of the number of times i've read little prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery. and the book still makes me sit and reflect. i'm going to be 21 already, damn it. it's too old. i know i know.. "you're only as old as you think you are". damn cliches. as if society will accept a 21 yr old trying to live like a 12 yr old. sure, i can go against society. then i'll get shit like "act your own age" or "you're older so you need to grow up". contradictory, isn't it? why do i care what society thinks? 'cos it's me. 'cos it's human nature whether we like it or not. and how we act impacts society when they look at our beliefs and what-not (read Titus 2:1-10).

the world is made of hypocritical critics. think abt it. imperfect beings criticizing the imperfect world. the imperfect world criticizing the imperfect beings. c'mon, we're all part of that fallen state of man. i'm not saying the world is bad. God's creation is good, isn't it? but we create that state of imperfection through our own actions, me included. anyway, i digress.

i don't want to grow up to be that lady on the street, working up her way on the corporate ladder and being sadden by my working life. was talking to mom. she remarked that when she retires, she might go into farming. not that she specially enjoys farming. she just wants to do smth different. i wanted to ask her the pt of doing smth different just for the sake of not doing the same thing. it didn't make sense. shldn't she then go sew clothes? she once said she wanted to be a seamstress 'cos she knew she wld enjoy it. i guess when adults get so desperate to do smth diff, they do the first thing that comes along. take a kid for e.g. if a child is tired of working, he/she does smth he/she enjoys (in my case it's writing or recently online shopping). they don't even consider sleeping unless it's smth they enjoy.

adulthood is scary. i will assume responsibility when the time arises. i will try to be as godly as i can through my living. but who says that those attributes can only acheived through adulthood? i beg to differ. reading the little prince... seeing how the king, geographer, banker and lamp post lighter did what they did just 'cos of "matters of consequences"... *shudder* if that's what being an adult is, i don't wanna be one.

i'm just afraid. afraid of turning into one of those adults who do things for the sake of doing it rather than because they want to. and i might be headed down this path if i don't continually reflect on my reason in being in acctancy. if you think that sounds selfish.. if you think that's ungodly, you're wrong there. i don't try live a godly life (ok, i'm not perfect, k?) just because all my christian friends are doing it. i'm not doing it for the sake of just doing it. i'm doing it 'cos i want to.. 'cos i have the good news of God. i'm not immortalizing myself through this post, pls don't miss the pt i'm trying to make here.. i don't wanna give ppl the "holier than thou" shit. it's just me, aites? i'm really just saying that i want to do things because i have a valid reason to make me want to do it. following the crowd is not a tossing valid reason. my valid reason is God's grace. 'nuff said.

a quick update on things... in case some of u don't already know, friendster's started a blog thing as well. came to know abt it thru bryan and theresia (who started a blog through there btw). i'm not going to be nuts and have another blog. i'm very happy here with the flexibility of blogskins and the side bar. added new links under friends for debz and theresia and jason mraz. yesh, u read right. jason mraz. no, he's not my friend. so i'm changing the title to "other blogs" or smth.. haven't really thought abt it. but by the time u've read this, it would have changed. so yar.

anywayz, more photos up too.. specially for the scenic shots i've take at tioman, shenton, botanic gardens and smu. will put more shots of smu up after the exams. and oh, i've got a newfound love for mp3 players with 5gb or more space to boot. so it ranges from the iPod mini super model with 6gb or Creative micro zen with either 5 or 6 gb of space. wld love to bring my music everywhere with me and not be bogged down by wgt.

on a final note. latest news just came in. Pope John Paul II has passed away. 9.37pm, Vatican City time. and the world mourns for him. In the words of Paul, our apostle, "To live is christ, to die is gain." haiz.

i really shld be studying.. but i was clearing some old mail when i came across one with a link to alwyn's photo gallery. honestly. being a "scenary" type person, i was drawn to his NY gallery. it looks so much like harajuku and shinjuku at night. i wish i had more time at shinjuku that night. we were running from place to place so i didn't have time to capture the neon lights. had many weird angles. personally don't fancy the pictures i took. and harajuku was given a miss 'cos i only got to see it on the moving bus. i adore taking pictures of scenary but with a simple 4 megapixel digi cam, 3x zoom, 4x digital zoom. useless.. i wld have preferred it the other way round but my camera was on offer. first up, i want my creative zen or ipod mini.. gb of spaces.. i want i want i want.. but back to scenary first, i think the best i've captured were the shots at tioman. i know they're not online. lemme get down to it after the exams. but the sight was breath-taking.

nevertheless, i was looking through his gallery and came across the "acjc-defeat". the rugby finals we lost. i'm not an amazing fan of rugby, i prefer soccer really. and i'm more scenic shots than ppl shots but i decided to check it out either way.

the pictures killed me. they may just mere 2D pictures but words cannot describe the emotions that they reflected in each face. the feeling so raw and real to me. it reminded me of the rugby matches i watched. each win was almost effortless.. especially the last one i went to. we trashed rjc as compared to the previous one where we depended on the 2 penalty kicks from steedon. yesh, i still remember how we performed. i realized it's so easy for me to still say "we" when referring to acjc although i'm no longer enrolled in that sch. but.. oh well. i guess i didn't expect a barrage of emotions coming onto me as i looked at the forlorn faces... the tears.. the hopelessness and even helplessness. it was like looking at the various teams that i've watched losing matches/games in my alma mater... in the regatta... in the pasta sukan... against the sajc soccer team. i don't recognize a face at all in the pictures taken. but i knew i was looking at my fellow acsians, a fellow sch mater even as of now when i'm in smu, mourn the loss of the coverted rugby championship trophy.

sure, consolations were going around without a doubt. every one of us, past, present and future all want that trophy back. we want that title. it's just a title, i know. it doesn't matter when we leave the face of this world. but it's one of the few things that binds even enemies in ac. if u want a picture perfect shot of the sch spirit, go down way early during the rugby finals from the time the council goes to set up the place.. and stay until the end whether we win or lose. sure, there will be those who don't care abt it. but once you get caught up in the current of cheers and emotions so present in the worldly pride we take in our ruggers, it just overwhelms you. the choking feel is even present now as i write this although the match was last year.

being in sports, i know the feel of defeat.. it's very real to me.. it's more than the pain and tears that goes into working so hard to attain your goal although you know it doesn't affect your standing in front of your Maker at the end of it all.. it's more than the injuries incurred during training and matches.. it's even beyond the human pride that we take in the human things we do.. it's also about the people that support you.. it's abt the team going through all that shit with you and no matter what, you know that they're sticking around next year.. it's about what everyone, not just you, has done to attain that common goal.. the motivations that surround you and pushes everyone forward. it's all that and even more but words just seem insufficient to capture everything at this moment.

recently, alwyn wrote on his own blog with regards to portrait shots, "That's all. I'm not really concerned about the camera or the color (since it is black and white). I am more interested in the final picture, as with the capture of emotion. That would be very nice indeed." i have to admit it, i agree that it's easy to take scenic shots. they don't have emotions that can be captured, smth not even easy with the normal camera. you can take a shot of someone off guard too but you might not be able to capture the emotion correctly too. it's really not easy. but i think he might have forgotten about that one picture he had taken during the match. it looks like the picture was slightly exposed, causing the black bar across the top. but it's my favorite of all the pictures... like one of those you flip your large photo albums and will always stop at to allow your fingers to linger on for a while, to allow that flood of memories to take control for a few fleeting seconds, then turning the page again, with the flotsam of thoughts just floating around.

you're getting there, dude.. slowly but surely.