Need to get my game back on track. competition is around the corner.. so let me get this all out once and for all. if you're reading this, i'm sorry you had to see this twisted side of me. feel free to stop reading..
***
exhausted. many have said that i seem distracted. at work. at meals. at home. at trainings. even when i'm watching tv. and i do not deny it. i'm just really tired.

tired of feeling like i'm not doing enough. tired of people thinking that my mind's wandering to nonsensical stuff.. tired of crying when i pause to consider that they may be right. that i'm wasting everyone's time. just tired of... being tired. my schedule's packed. all the way up to when sch starts. and already, i need to think of what subjects i'm going to be taking. i can't take a day at a time. and it's seriously getting to me.

for those who say that i've been strangely shutting away and not being myself anymore. here goes..

sometimes, i wonder if i tire myself out intentionally. that for once, i'll stop thinking that i'm wasting space on earth.. that i'm contributing to it rather than being a burden. i see others and i wonder why i can't be like them. i wonder if they struggle like me.

am i romanticizing my life? is it the die-hard in me trying too hard for ppl to sympathize with me? i'd never do that. why?




i'm tired of feeling sorry of myself.

it hurts. to have attempted suicide before. to know that this memory can never be erased... the mere fact that my existance embarrassed me nearly to the point of no return. it's really slowly eating me up inside out. i watch all these inspirational movies and i'm left wondering, "if my life is as screwed up as those in the movie, when will it become better?"

it's been a struggle to live. been a struggle to survive. everyone gets this shit, i know. i just find it harder to cope with it, i guess.

i once said that i read my testimonials on friendster to liven up my day when i'm feeling down. but nowsdays, i wonder if my friends really meant it.. or that they felt a need to be nice. stuff like how i was "always there for" people.. the one people cld rely on.. the one with the listening ear.. abt how encouraging i am.. that i'm always ready to lend my arms out "be it a strong saving tug or a warm tight hug".

as much as i would love to find a physical being who would be all i've been to my friends esp on the hug and tug part, there's something i want even more. i want my friends to mean all that they've written. and Lord, give me the strength to continue to give my life... to continue as Your suffering servant just as only You have dried the phantom tears inside that no creation of Yours has managed to.

***
so once again, to those who say that i've changed... that i no longer open up... lemme tell u this. i have never opened up. never before. not even to God 'cos i never had to need to express myself this way to the One who knows my heart better than me. this is my first. so be honored.

i'll just keep hanging in until i get some time-out after everything's said and done. don't worry abt me. just pray for me, aites? pray that i'll be that young girl turning to Him with faith like a child.

just got back from the DB retreat. and gosh, am i aching!

we had water training on sat with the guys, then joined the SIM girls after that and again on sunday. makes me realize that i might have taken the dear guys for granted. when rowing in the girls boat, i was really straining against the water. it just felt so miserable whenever we stop rowing and the boat was obviously not moving as fast as i would have liked it to.

sunday with the girls was better. there was the surge. the after glide when all paddles were taken out of the water. still unresolved worries but i'm just going to the water and do my best. put in 200% and pray that we'll fly. and that i won't puke after the race.

so much for the training. the rest of the retreat was a blast. i found bridge kakis: adrian, ben, bert, debbie and cheryl. ben and bert were just sooo funny. the silly rafflesians. ahahahaha. ok ok, i cannot be mean to rafflesians. i was one for 6 years. and i found ktv kakis: weiling, peiling, zhui, daph and i think weiling mentioned ben as well. and weiling's planning a durian expedition already. let's go!

we talked a lot, played a lot, watched a whole load of movies (i lurve video ezy.) and basically had fun together. think the last night was the most hysterical. after dinner with the exco, gac and james, i returned. ended up fooling around with rosh and lem. fighting over the sleeping bag. i just wanted to warm my toes. and we were laughing at the divine grandmother too. must have annoyed everyone as we were watching GOAL actually. had an hour or 2 of sharing after the movie before we played twister.

the sharing was about turning pts of our life. and that was the time i made a discovery abt the team. our life experiences were different and similar at times. some were more emphathetic, having gone thru the same bull in a chapter of their own lifestory. and as diverse or as identical they were, we all had one common thread running thru that human life coursing thru our veins.

we are all fighters

we all took the same path. one of determination to see things thru and effort to make it work. whether it was making a r/s work or getting over the loss of a love one. or keeping to the beliefs that we cling to so desperately. we all took that one step to wanting to change our lives for the better. to change ourselves. and we made it work out some how. and thru that, we all became fighters.

now i beseech the team, if you are reading this.. let's keep this spirit. this one team, one spirit saki that makes us smu dragons. let's leave the competition with memories of the dragons' combined determination and effort. with memories of our combined bravery. come on, we've got bert. (bert, if you are reading this, i hope your name cards are done up.) but jokes aside, we've really all been looking forward to this day. working towards it. one common goal. to be winners. not in the eyes of the public through the display of badly electrolysized metals. but thru the eyes of any athlete...

by proving that we're the bravest.

Bintan, i miss you

bintan was luxurious. ok, i stayed at banyan tea so i was on cloud 9 for the whole trip. we stayed at the bayfront pool villa. we had just about whatever the other villas had... and a bit more...

tada! our own private pool. with a view to boot.

sure, there was no spa pavillion. that's only in the spa pool villa. we got second best with the bayfront villa. not that i'm complaining.. hee hee. we had buggies at our call. they ferried us everywhere in banyan tree (so much for wanting to exercise). i managed to swim. did the usual push-ups and crunches. the marine center was too far for me as it was in angsana. when we went to angsana for lunch, we needed a buggy to ferry us there and back.

btw, i've been spoilt rotten by bintan. private pool. private jacuzzi. gorgeous view of the sea wherever i look. 4-post bed. outdoor bath. bath salts. new aromatherapy incense every day. ppl who make my bed and turn it for me. ppl who clean the pool everyday. a buggy to bring me everywhere with a simple call. now i'm home and sick, it's a very different feeling. i want to go back to bintan after the DB comp.. hee hee. some more pictures..

pool with a view

outdoor bath

jacuzzi!

anywayz, fell sick again. viral infection with symptoms of food poisoning. felt so terrible so i decided to lift my spirits up with a walk around Holland V. after a visit to the doctor's. there's something about hv that makes me happy. just walking around. the usual dog/kitten at the pet shop was missing though.

HV was my hangout place since young. KFC after piano class.. then bits and pieces for quick retail therapy.. archie comis for a quick pick-me-up... then planet smoothie for a leapin' lizard. now these places are no longer there. but my haunts have changed as well. TCC is always a fave and breko has amazing grilled sandwich and mushroom soup. Wala wala.. the bakery near subway.. Harry's... gelare for waffles on tuesdays..

now there's eski bar but enough of my rattling.. more pictures of the place that spoilt me rotten. i wanna live like that forever and ever. ahahaha. i need to be really rich or be a tai tai. sighz. well, i'm entitled to dream right?


my dream bed since young..

waiting to disembark from the ferry..

dad, teik, yong (i lurve her pose..) and moi

teik, yong and i on our way to angsana..

yupe. that's all from me for now.. more another time. need to take my medication and go to bed before i get nagged at..

Ready! Paddles up! Awas! (get ready for a long preachy one..)

in my second year, i was nominated to be in the exco for smucf. that's why when fred asked me to start up the DB team then, i had to refuse him. too much time and effort. now i'm the smucf vp, i didn't want to join the team. sure, i spend less time and effort on it then keith and zhui in terms of the running of things.. but i knew i wldn't be able to leave if i started. and i really don't want to leave now. foresee a tight schedule when the term starts. haiz.

anywayz, just read the dboat blog. made me think. it's just really different from team acjc. i guess it's the dynamics. when you're in jc, your cca points count. now they don't. it's not even a cca now. it's an eca again.

i admit. i'm not as fit as i used to be. i can't even do a proper pull-up without assist, a far cry from the 2 i used to be able to. i can't last more than 30 men push-ups so i'm not even going to go into diamond men push-ups. and there are more distractions now.

i'm not talking abt guys in the team (though i know how many idiot friends i have who are secretly hoping i was...). but it's just... i used to just worry abt being part of the team when i was in acjc. worried that they might think i was faking my injury. worried that they might think i purposefully fell ill. just so worried 'cos those things might affect my sense of belonging to the team. that was the only thing that distracted me during training, besides the thought of my dad nagging abt me joining DB.

now, i'm worried abt work. worried abt my parents. worried abt my ministry. and on saturday, i finally rowed on the left again. hit by a wave of nostalgia, even that old injury was back with a slight vengence, as though willing me to stop. but i see ben next to me. i see rosh, py, dk and wz in front of me. how cld i stop? i managed to push that worry away. just sleeping with a lot of medicated plasters at night. but things aren't getting better now...

i really tried to focus during training today. but the stress at work got to me. gone are the days when i would go to the gym to sweat my worries away. made me wonder if i wld be able to focus while doing the bridge after circuit. thankfully we did the more dynamic burpees and crunches. static core workout allows my brain to wander a little too much nowadays. i really need to get my life back on track.

but here's something i held to very strongly since i started dragonboating when i was 17. DB is a team sport. there is no such thing as a christiano ronaldo or wayne rooney in DB. there is no such thing as a star player. there is no such thing as a steven lim or solskjaer. there is no such thing as a super sub. it's not about yourself. it's about the person next to you.

weiling, my dear. i'm glad that the past dismal attendance isn't getting to you. i'm glad that i was able to help you look at things from a diff perspective. that's what ministry has taught me. don't get hung up over those not serving alongside you. be encouraged by those striving next to you. and i am encouraged by those i see at training. 'cos they are the ones who keep me going when i'm doing my circuits and feeling giddy after the stupid jumps.. when i'm aching and breathing hard during water session, these are the ppl who push me to give my all for the not-so-final 20 power strokes. they are the ones who push me to charge at the end even though my arms just wanna drop off.

my younger sister looks at me weird when i'm rowing in my bedroom. i'm wondering why i'm doing push-ups after a vigorous training.. only to hear that crazy voice in my head scolding me for obviously not giving my all during training which allowed for leftover energy. and i'm just pushing until i've collapsed or when i know my muscle has knotted in protest.

i've mentioned this before in a previous post and i still mean every word i've mentioned. it's abt the team. whether you win or lose, it's never about yourself. the only thing that keeps me going for the training is the people whom i know will be down there with me. the only reason why i'm want to stay in singapore so badly for the competition is not to prove myself... but because i've trained too hard with these ppl to just walk away from what we're working for.

in a really old post, i said this:

...i know the feel of defeat.. it's more than the pain and tears that goes into working so hard to attain your goal although you know it doesn't affect your standing in front of your Maker at the end of it all.. it's more than the injuries incurred during training and matches.. it's even beyond the human pride that we take in the human things we do.. it's abt the team going through all that shit with you and no matter what, you know that they're sticking around next year.. it's about what everyone, not just you, has done to attain that common goal.. the motivations that surround you and pushes everyone forward. it's all that and even more but words just seem insufficient to capture everything at this moment.

at the end of the day, i really don't care whether the SMU Dragonz win or lose at the competition. i want to be able to look myself in the mirror and say that i put in 200% of my effort to row for the people in the boat with me. i want to be able to tell myself that the rest of the team did the same as well. that is what a DB winning spirit is. not one with eyes on the medal. but one with eyes on the people around you. the medal is no more than an ornament.. and perhaps a witness to your determination because of your team. but as long as we don't start fighting as a team, we're never going to win, even in our hearts.

***

final updates:

- a status update specially for jeri. it turned out to be nothing more than just a crush that i'm over now. sorry to keep your hopes up. you focus on your own love life and leave mine alone. i've got enough girls on the lookout liao..

- work is terrible. i'm so stressed out.. another long day tmr.. hopefully the rain'll stop soon enough and the distant thunder would be silent. for now, i'm very thankful to mao mao (whom now i will call happy fruit or hf -> "kuai le guo") for his very sweet and encouraging sms (though terribly cliche and cheesy) after i told him abt the rain in my work life.

"Gotta make it shine again."

life's beginning to feel more real for me now. a bit like how i was back in JC. running around tiredly from place to place. while it was tuition, physiotherapy, gym outings and training back then, it's now training, gym outings, sch meetings and the attempts to meet deadlines for my articles. i really need to send them out tmr. stupid pictures. and oh, ending the day off by slumming in front of the tv, thinking of walking 20-25 min to the 7-11 for chips when i shld really be walking <1 min to the kitchen to pop a panadol or two.

ok. tonight's not so bad. i finally took the panadol after procrastinating for 2 hours instead of the usual 3+. I really need to stop trying to find my way downstairs to the damn kitchen just 'cos i'm so lazy to take the pill when i'm in the living room. my bedroom's too far from the kitchen at night. (which really explains the almonds and walnuts in my room.) yes. i'm rambling. results of a giddy painful head.

my left foot's gone too. it's the covered-toe heels i have to wear to work everyday, i swear. when i moved my toes, my entire foot would crack in reponse. just as a knuckle would. i can feel the bone shift. on friday, i got a bit worried. after the run during training, the pain has gotten worse. i was limping home for the remaining half of my walk. and all i could think of was Gene scaring me abt banglahs jumping out from houses under renovation and lifting their sarong up. i gripped onto my paddle really tightly then. don't think i'd have my wits around to laugh very loudly while pointing as yw suggested. see what helpful friends i have...

ok, my house is a mere 10 min from the bus stop.. bobbs and i measured it the other day. it's close to 1 km. but still, i don't think i would want to leave my neighborhood behind. far too many memories (oh hear, i just cracked my foot again..)

i'm got a nice neighborhood. greenwood is nearby. i drop by swiss butchery when i'm craving cajun chicken or call the fish bistro for take-away fish and chips at $9.90. thanks to the expats, i get gelato, thai restaurant and seafood restuarant. Coq and Bull is too expensive for me. but when i start working, i'm going back there for the $20 steak and $8 sauteed mushrooms. and i want another visit to L' Estaminent for a nice stella artois and 42'inch pizza. yes. 42'inch. we bought it for take-out once and the box cldn't fit into the car. so we walked home, holding the damn 42'inch pizza. and it was worthed it all.

i have yet to try the warm chocolate cake at sebastians though i'll give the foie gras a miss.. or dine fancy at 8 on greenwood.. or eat the hainanese-styled steak and have Singapore's Coldest Beer at Wagon Wheel.. or visit the two japanese restaurants there... but at shiro, the upperity one, u would need a reservation one month in advance to try the most delectable pufferfish around. Jap Haute Cuisine at it's best, apparantly.

yea, i'm in a snotty neighborhood. but it's only become "snotty" recently. we used to be more down-to-earth. Econ Minimart was the first big thing where i wld waste money on Kenshin cards from the card machine. there used to be a smaller minimart- Wu Jiang. i would have weekly visits to buy Super Rings for 20c. then i'd spurge 90c on the gorgeous chocolate eclair in the bakery next to the doctor's and go to the park to enjoy it on the swing. now the only bakery left is Lana's and their fudge cake still leaves me weak in the knees. it was only in the past few years where Les Amis became a neighbor. their gourmet place at Watten Hill sells amazing soup and sandwiches.. though terribly pricey.

other memories of my neighborhold would be running circles around my area. Greenmead Avenue is a loop that ran twice would be slightly over 1.6 k. and my house is dreadfully on top of the slope (which pisses me off when i'm lugging the damn laptop home). the fastest time i've clocked is when i was chased by a polar bear of a dog (kids are small!). playing badminton with jane and katie.. walking home with sharon, liz, nadia and jane.. going to liz's place for lunch, a swim, a basketball game or just to watch Take That concerts. my cousin, older sister and i running to get the swing of our choice at the park even.

the neighborhood is not one place where you would want to be lost in. carol and serah once paid close to $10 to get to my place. sure, it was past midnight. but on normal days, it costs less than $4 to get my place ('cos of the silly U-turn..). i came across my first lost person in the neighborhood. it was a German man. in his thick German accent, he spoke to me.. in German. i stared dumbly at him.

"I'm sorry, i don't understand you."

then he continues, likely repeating himself... in German... slowly. i was ready to headbutt his head. i don't think speaking slowly is going to make me understand German. but then a younger guy comes running up and speaks German to him before turning to me.

"Sorry. My father."

with a smile, the two man walk away talking in German. hope the older man understood how ridiculous he was. haiz. do i look German???

and one of my first crush along the shophouses. it was this cauasian kid whom i bumped into while running along the aisle of Econ once. i saw him a couple of times after that in Econ and the park. and we always smiled at each other. but i never spoke to him.

yes jeri, i'm still doing that up to today. i'm miserable. i'm going to die without ever knowing what bgr really is about. no first kiss.. no first love.. no nothing. happy?

but nevertheless, my neighborhood. a quaint little place, almost a world on its own with restuarants, grocery and gourmet stores, pet shop, vet, art shop.. sure. it may come across as snotty and upperity. but what do you expect from a district 10 neighborhood where Les Amis is so prominent? and it's still my own neighborhood.

***
jeri just commented that my blog is a source of entertainment for him at work. that's it.. no more updates on my status. if not, how will i be able to hide the fact that i'm attached if i do ever get attached? ahahahaha

work's been busy.. which is why i haven't been updating. haven't had a chance to go back to office where there's internet connection. and my office lappie has been following me home just so i can get some work done. oh yea. and i know.. my layout hasn't changed. i'm having some probs with trying to sort out the html coding for the body text. looks too squashed for my liking.. sighz. but here goes the rest of what i really meant to blog..

*****
ok. life's a fact. people DO fall in love, people DO belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness. - Breakfast at Tiffany.

And i agree. We need to be in a relationship to experience real happiness. and i've found that real happiness already. i've fallen in love with God. I've been made right in His eyes. what greater joy is there?

the reason of relationship, i stress again, is a reflection of the perfect relationship with God. why else would ephesians 5 say, "Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loves the church" and "Wives, submit to your husbands just as the church submits to Christ". why bother adding the e.g. of Christ? because it's not a mere example. it's our reason for entering into relationships. we were created in His image, to be relational creatures. we reflect his relationship with us thru relationships among ourselves.

then i ask myself and everyone else reading this.. how often do we let our "ideal partner" come before God's "ideal partner"?

- 1.83 m
- asthetically attractive
- rides a BMW bike, not a BMX bicycle
- a good cook...

when we let these take precedence, we push away what that is important to Him to worry abt what that is impt to us. then we stop thinking as though He's our Lord, putting ourselves before anyone else.. even Him. we become what we were before.. not God's people who live under His rule.

so what does this mean for me?

i throw away all my criterias. that fact that he must be a rich christian musician. instead, i take on a WWJD mentality. as Ephesians 5 says, "Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loves the church".

idea that it's an all-sacrificing love for the sake of God. to break down that phrase in parts, it is finding a guy who can love me in a way that would honor God.. that would help me mature in Christ.. it's finding a guy who loves God more than he'll love me 'cos then, he'll be able to understand that I will love God more than i can bring myself to love him.

so that means the motorcycle/car issue is thrown out of the window as well. i'm just wondering how that plays out. do i find a guy who satisfies WWJD and fall in love with him? what happens when i cannot fall in love with him? gosh, i'll be hated. as the one who tramples on them. hm... it sounds attractive in an evil way. ok. plan B.

so i fall in love and keep praying that the guy fits the WWJD bill? if not, it's bye bye? wld that be putting my preference first? i think not. i'm not running around looking for a guy to meets my "worldly" preference to fall in love with. i'm just giving in to that 2 crazy organs, my heart and my brain. and my hormones. i'll leave it to my emotions without thinking of my own criteria.

plan b sounds better and easier. it's just one heart being trampled on.. it it's better for one person to suffer than for the rest. WWJD mentality. that might mean me accepting single hood until i die. why? nearly all the guys who've caught my eye are either attached or questionable christians (if they are even christians to begin with.). they are guys where ppl are questioning me, not me questioning them. if given an opportunity, i wld ignore these ppl who are concerned abt me.. so.. how? (oh, interesting point, i've realized i like the smell of guys who've just bathed. the whole shower gel and shampoo thing. like glenn. so much for the 'manly' scent)

but knowing me, everything will end up in a mess. but what to do? let's just go with the flow and take things as they come.

and thus concludes the episode of bgr w/ xiujun. insightful take into the crazy thoughts in my head during internship.
*****

anywayz, why this series of bgr posts? i think i falling... scary but true. i really think i am.

is he male? yar.. christian? i don't know. single? i don't know. and by not knowing all that, i can't figure out whether i'm going to be burnt again. i feel comfortable around him. not just conversationally. but even when we're sitting or walking together in silence. i'm never able to have comfortable, non-awkward silence with a guy that quickly. and he.. makes me feel secure. which cld be the big reason for me feeling this way. i've always gotten that sense of security from God. and he provides that physical aspect somehow. for now, let's just take each day at a time and see how it goes.

pray for me, my dear friends.. dun ask me silly questions. just pray for me. that i dun make silly mistakes. that i'll trust in Him and rely in Him in all i do. that in all my decisions, i'll please Him. that's all i need you to pray for. not that i'll get a bf.. not that i'll enter into a r/s.. but pray that i'll continue to be child of God.