it's that time of the year again.

Christmas lights. roasted chestnuts and hawkers yelling for you to buy their gao laks. overeating.

another time to think about what you've done for the year.

it does feel fake. to only start thinking of giving back to the community this time. especially since I haven't written to my child in a while. I do owe her an apology note and a nice long letter. maybe a little something even though I have no idea what she needs. I should really ask her about that.

other than the child sponsorship, I take this time to give a little more in return. it's really not hard. not hard at all. for people with starhub accounts, it's almost no effort. you can use your starhub accounts reward points to exchange for a donation. and even enjoy double tax deductions on your donation amount.

then there are plenty of organizations in Singapore who appreciate monetary donations. salvation army and the thrift shop at SCWO take donated items as well. of course, don't use them as your dumping ground. that's just being an asshole. you have a bin for that.

got your eye on the world? there's WWF. UNICEF. World Vision. donations here aren't tax deductible because they are not Singapore IPC registered charities. but really, that shouldn't be stopping you. Unicef and World Vision make it incredibly easy. instead of just giving money, you can buy gifts for specific purposes for specific nations that you are passionate about. UNICEF has the inspired gifts and World Vision has their life changing gifts.

the main point is to start giving if you aren't.. which would you choose? that $5 bill rebate or $5 donation to a charity under the Starhub Rewards?

"in our world of plenty, we can spread a smile of joy"

and if you are already giving, what's stopping you from giving just a little more during this period to remind them that it's Christmas after all.

"but say a prayer pray for the other ones"


there are times i think i'm doing enough to make a difference. sponsor a child. disaster relief. even something as inconsequential to me like giving up a seat, helping someone on the street that needs help. but at Christmas, it hits me hard that I'm not lacking in my needs. it hits me even harder that I can do just that little bit more but yet I'm not doing it.

so this is my plea to whoever is out there reading this. i hope this spurs you to start giving or giving a little more. i'm not perfect and i'm working on it as well. let's do this together. :)

"And I know you love Shrek, 'cause we've watched it twelve times.
But, maybe you're hoping for a fairy-tale too"

in other news, I wish I could flip off the sun. even the wind is hot. URRRRRGH.

"Times have changed and you can no longer afford to put everything on your own shoulders and be the only sacrifice. Even the happiness of one person is complicated these days. If you should fall as a sacrifice, the young lady who came to Kyoto with the one wish of seeing you will, without a doubt, be devastated by that loss. Think about it! No matter how powerful you become, you're still just a human being. Do not ever try to become something more than that." - Hiko Sejiro

In 1996, I learnt from Kenshin that to protect others, I needed to protect myself. Or I would not be able to be there for those I love.

"I see now that the circumstances of one's birth are irrelevant; it is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are." - Mewtwo

In 1998, I learnt from Pokemon that despite my past and how I started out in life, it's the what I do today and tomorrow that really defines me more than anything else.

"The only thing that the people left behind can do is to remember them and not forget them. Bart, you have taken on the flame of her soul. Your life is no longer just yours now. Now lift your head. Embrace the memories and move forward. For her sake as well. There's no need to hold back. Cry as much as you want. Tears you shed for others are not something to be ashamed of." - Captain Magno

In 2000, I learnt from Vandread that all the times I've let myself cry... Is a sign of weakness on my part. It's an emotional engagement that I can't escape, be it to feel the pain on behalf of people or to feel the loss of someone.

In 2004, when I finally read the bible, I learnt how to empathize and accept my tears as a weakness. I learnt how to decide to live my life. I learnt that "protecting myself to protect others" can mean hurting myself mentally and emotionally to protect others, even if they don't think that my actions protect them.. Simply because I believe that they'd be stronger and better with or without me in a few years time.

I also learnt that God supplies me the strength in times of toil, trials, and tears, to be content and cope in times of need and want. I also learnt that God supplies me with the wisdom to make decisions and deals with the repercussions of my decisions. I also learnt to cry for myself, for others, and to commit the tears to God, knowing that there's something incomprehensible in this intelligent design but that I am still learning more each day because He makes me able to.



"Cherry blossoms in Spring. Stars cover the sky on Summer. Full moon shines on Autumn and in Winter, the snow covers the ground. All these things make sake taste good. If it tastes bad, it's because there is something wrong in you." - Hiko Sejiro

Now if only he could grant me with the tastebuds to appreciate sake better too. Hahahah

so was on an express bus to work after staying over at my sister's place for the night. once you hit the highway, if you don't have a seat, well, good luck trying to sleep standing.

unfortunately, that was the state I found myself in. but it wasn't really an issue. i had my music and what I would consider as sufficient sleep.

and I found myself pleasantly distracted by a father with a sleeping daughter on his lap and a young son listening to him read How to Train Your Dragon 2. the daughter would let out a soft whimper once in a while and the son was just wide-eyed at the book. the boy was older and the interaction between the father and his two kids was simply adorable.

and I could see weariness in the man's eyes. and eye bags. still, he continued reading to the son for 10 mins until the bus took a turn and started to head for the highway. he told his son that he was going to close his eyes for a quick nap and that if the little one wanted to continue reading, he could just flip the pages and look at the pictures. then rearranging the little girl on his lap, he leaned back and closed his eyes.

while the father was reading, they weren't loud. the son would ask questions politely in a controlled tone. the little girl's whines were not often. and the man seemed in absolute control of the entire thing, his tone always gentle and nurturing with his children.

after a few seconds, the little boy looked up to his father, about to ask another question. he saw how his father had closed his eyes and then turned his attention to his little sister. A smile broke on his face and he patted her cheek gently before closing his book. then he nuzzled his face against his father's arm contentedly and stared at the cover of the book while yawning. he looked up and we exchanged glances. I smiled at him and he smiled back shyly before flipping his book open again.


I sincerely wish for all parents to take a leaf out of this man's book. whatever his book is.

so this had to happen.

i finally watched Rurouni Kenshin: Kyoto Inferno. full of anticipation and partial dread (there is no way they can find someone as good looking as Shinomori Aoshi in real life. really.), I sat in the theatre, not really knowing what to expect.

first impression.. meh. script should be good. the director Keishi Otomo is quite impactful in drawing out characters. so... this has got to be something right? There was only one distinctively familiar face for me: Tatsuya Fujiwara. I watched Kaiji. I watched Death note. Both. So knowing that he was playing Shishio Makoto (Mako-chan!) gave it a little hope. I didn't catch the first movie so I couldn't really say anything about the rest.

but when Yosuke Eguchi raised the katana and struck his stance as Saito, I squealed and died a little.

the fangirl in me was dying because while he wasn't skinny or lean or as doberman-ish like the anime or manga (where was the soba??), there was that air. that coolness. that aloofness that made me adore Saito Hajime.

and the movie continued.

I had to keep reminding myself that there's no way you can find people that close to the anime characters. Not everyone, or rather, no one is a Luhan/Nagisa clone.

like really. no one

in terms of looks, Sanosuke was disappointing. Aoshi was meh. and I knew finding a pretty boy to play my favorite smiling assassin, Seita Sojiro, was pretty much impossible. so how can anyone find a perfect Kenshin? the one who laughs, cooks, washes, cleans, and gets hit in chibi-mode... and suddenly be a cold-blooded yellow-eyed fighter and not killer?

I admit. I was frowning slightly the first time I saw Takeru Sato. but I kept watching. kept telling myself to keep an open mind. because making this character a mortal is not easy. I mean, look at Kenshin. really. look at him.

but as the movie progress, Takeru Sato did make me sit up. there was a certain air about him. he was shy and unassuming.. yet drew attention to himself in a way very few actors do. the wide smiles.. and serious stoic faces.. he was less of an idiot than the anime but I'm not expecting swirly eyes and "oro oro" sprouting around. still.. Takeru Sato.. just.. wow.

by the end of Kyoto Inferno, I was sold on him playing Himura Kenshin. there was just something about that face of innocence when he was doing the laundry. there was something about the way he fought with the broken Sakabatou to protect Arai Seiku's son even though the man refused to give him Shakku's last sword then. there was an earnestness. like I wasn't watching Takeru playing Kenshin. but I was watching Himura Kenshin fight.

so I decided to do a little snooping. this man has an impressive resume. and he was in Trick 3. I'm biased. anyone in any Trick movie deserves a little more attention. so yes. and the snooping continued...

and seriously. what the hell. under the copper hair and grim look of the movie is this man:

HellooOOooOOooOO NURSE~

and he's so young! he's a 89-liner. OH. MY. GOD. HOW.

so right now, I'm left eagerly anticipating the second part of the showdown. it's the Juppon Katana. how can I not. seriously. Kyoto Inferno was awesome so the battles will continue to be mad epic.

but yes, back to the movie, so far only one character looks exactly like what he is in the anime and that I thought was ridiculous. my jaw literally dropped when he showed up on the screen. because look:

perfection found in the rooster. ahhhhh~ Cho. he even had the smirk and closed eye nailed. AHHHHH~ CHO~~~

I can't wait for part 2. I cannot wait.

John Legend is just giving me the feels now. Probably because I'm so damn tired and I just want someone to hold me to sleep at night when i'm tossing around in bed, mind still whirling from work.

if only his concert in Seoul had concert seats instead of standing room only.

still not on the dance floor given the delays in classes and the mad change in my own schedules.

still no new NB to replace my current dying shoes.

still stuffing my face.

i need to eat more healthy salads. if only i didn't love sesame dressing so much.

from http://dramasubtitles.tumblr.com

I find this way funnier than I should. but yes, guy in yellow wind-breaker, you and I have the same dictionary.

I am ashamed of the music that's keeping me sane during this period.



how.. how did I sink so low to be hooked on the heavy bass and auto-tunes and mad-ass beats from this guy?

still, I have to say the song is addictive, though not as earworm-ish as "as long as you love me" by this same guy (no, not BSB).

next Friday. next Friday and I'm back on the dance floor. I can't wait.

I'm done with this shit.

I just want to go for a nice long swim until I'm all wrinkly.

then go home and snuggle with cup ramyeon in front of the computer and finish watching "Free!". I'm so done here. sigh

listening to Michael Jackson

watching anime

reading manga

reading fiction stories

listening to boybands and fangirling over young men

hating the feel of my feet pounding gravel but loving the tiredness that comes from it

stopping to stare at the sights around me

shutting people out

letting music take control of my emotions

dancing without a care in the world

finding wonder in the small little things of today



i may be growing older each day but i'm starting to do all the things i used to do that would make me a little happier.. a little richer.. a little more.. me.

so apparently no response received to a yes-no text question is a “no” answer.

because girls are amazing intuitive creatures who can read minds and know what the guy means to text back even if he never does.

because it’s “implied” and “you should know what..”.


@#$(%&^$#


the next time someone asks me why i’m single, i’m going to tell them that it’s not worth the frustration caused by assholes

also good for these asswipes because I can be a vindictive bitch who will judge you real hard with each of your douchebag-ish assumptions.

Scenario 1: a man gets bumped by a pram being pushed by another man as the latter hurries to jaywalk. the former yells out a slur of vulgarities on the top of his lungs at the other, including, "are you educated? can't you see it's a red man?"

yelling man proceeds to jaywalk after a few seconds, causing a girl behind him to burst out laughing at how ridiculous the whole scene is.

scene 2: a man is trying to get assurance that his phone is fixed at a phone shop. the repair man assures him politely that it is and that even the battery has been changed. the man kicks up a fuss about having to travel all the way to the phone shop. the repair man again politely points out that all issues have been taken care of. the man then aggressively retorts, "how can you talk to me like that? I'm the customer!"

after 2 seconds, the man angrily remarks that the "back" button is not working. to which the repair man replies politely, "you are at the 'home' screen. there is nothing to 'go back' to."



in both scenarios, the two rather unreasonable men (in my opinion) are Singaporeans. two being 'wronged' are Singaporeans as well. has our culture been depraved to the point where being educated means that you are entitled to a wealth of respect and service beyond your wildest imagination? does being educated mean that you are better and deserve more than someone serving you?

does being educated mean that one becomes ungracious? does it mean you can be demanding and that the world has to kowtow to you?

I know of a elderly lady who has perfect speech and an almost perfect life. her house is beautiful and every fortnight or every month, she donates a beautiful floral arrangement to her church altar. she bakes and gives to her church people.

at home, her maid responds to the ringing of the bell and is scolded for the smallest things. the maid lives on bread while the dog gets steamed fish, boiled meat, and rice. and she says it's because, "she's just a maid, you cannot be nice to people like that or they will walk all over you."

i don't think i've ever been angered so badly by such hypocrisy in a person. are domestic helpers not humans? are they not entitled to basic human rights such as respect? are service staff not allow a semblance of kindness and humanity? is not the man on the street just as human as another is??


when the light feels a little dim, I try to make a little difference. my thank-yous are a little brighter and heartfelt. I buy snacks for my hairdresser. I smile and say good morning to the elderly on their morning walks around my neighborhood. I try to help people who approach me on the streets for directions as much as I can, even if it means taking a detour from my original path to walk the person through the maze of traffic lights and making sure they reach their destination. I laugh and chat with service staff if their schedules permit for it when I know they are looking worn out and tired.

it's not very different from how I would treat my friends.. it's just generally how I feel people should be cared for.

even more for service staff. they are on their feet and serving us. they run their rounds. they deal with difficult people and are generally taken for granted. for far too long, people have had the notion that "the customer is king" and being king means you can be unreasonable and demand for your feet to be kissed just because there's money coming out of your pockets.

"And Jesus called them to him and said to them, “You know that those who are considered rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. But it shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slavee of all. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” - Mark 10:42-45

where is humility and grace in this world? where is kindness, patience, and love? has it just given way to self-entitlement, ego, pride, and self-idolatry?


as much as I say I hate people, I don't. I hate the way that people feel that the world centers around them. I hate the way they think that they deserve more and better than others without wanting to give in return.

the depravity of man. really sobering and horrifying. :(

when i'm not trying to clear my backlog of books (both in the shelf and ipad. don't even get me started on the 16 books I just bought to make my kindle backlog at an impressive 21 books..), i'm rolling around the internet looking for entertainment.

i'm barely on facebook now because people can just be idiots that don't want to be told that they are idiots. or i'm not that close to tell them to suck it up and shut up. my one main link to my facebook is my instagram where I like to share little things that mean something to me. or events that people invite me to. guess where all the wedding invites / baby showers / whatever-birthday-party invites are at now? and then there are the friends i've made who are all overseas.

so yea, won't be deleting my fb account any time soon.

so, I find myself on tumblr more. on pinterest. on instagram. places where I choose what I see and who I see. I unbashedly unfollow and follow people according to my whims and fancy. things don't annoy me as much. probably helps that majority of these people are strangers so I don't sit and go, "how the hell did I tolerate you back in school?" in my mind when scrolling past posts.

and the tumblr community has little gems.. little nuggets of gold that I appreciate.


          No, friendship is NOT about “supporting your friends even when you know they’re wrong.”

          That’s not friendship. That’s being an enabler. That’s being an accomplice.

          Friendship is loving someone enough to tell them to stop being an idiot.


so tumblr is more than just kpop, interior design, and fashion for me. it's so much more. :) grateful for these little things that remind me that people aren't as stupid as I think they are.

so I had a talk with a friend about BGR recently. and she said something that just left me unimpressed and worried.

“a girl should find a guy who will love her more than she loves him. she needs to protect herself.”

protect herself? from? from being hurt? from heartaches when the guy doesn’t deliver? from pain when she realizes that she’s given more of herself than the guy has in the relationship?

i stared at her and told her, “we love not because of the love we will receive in return. we love because God first loved us. love is a response to God, not conditional on man.”

she tried to explain herself and somewhere in the middle of it, i was exasperated when i stared at her.

“love is not selfish! love is kind and patient. love is good and love will hurt you because it is supposed to give without asking for anything in return.”

i was pretty much dying through the conversation. much like this:

by the end of the night, we both agreed that it is human nature to want to protect ourselves. no one wants to be hurt. no one wants to feel pain. it’s a natural instinct to seek security. and then i reminded her, “that’s why i’m single.”


For me to want to be in a relationship... He's got to be a big deal.

I've lived life alone for so long. I've depended on myself. Made decisions for and by myself. Plus that one experience I had...

The next one has to be a big deal for me to want to no longer want to be single. I'm not asking for expensive gifts or for his attention 24/7.

All I ask is for a selfless man who will consider others before him. I want a man who looks out for others. I want a man who will love because God loves, not because of the love he'll receive in return for his love.

of course it would be extremely nice if he's someone who will be there with a hug when the day is bad or at least over the phone, not distracted by other things (surfing, online shows..) on days when I just need a listening ear.

I need to know that this man will be worth giving up the singlehood that I’be been so comfortable with to give him my all in the relationship.

If not, I'd much rather be single. really.

어디니?

뭐하니?

밥은 먹었니?

넌 잘 지내니?

so much for all the Korean classes I've gone for. enunciation still clearly needs more work since I'm still struggling with script.

The concert on 31 May was explosive. from the slow sensual ones ("Coffee Shop" and "Body & Soul"), to the hip hop songs ("Badman", "One Shot", "Warrior") ... even to the cheeky ass "Crash" and "Dancing in the Rain".

not forgetting "Check On" which was just so incredibly funny.

and now they are still making my heart ache so badly with "어디니? 뭐하니?"




Why B.A.P? Why you so amazing??

"You become a champion by fighting one more round.

When things are tough, you fight one more round." - James J. Corbett

there's something about him. forever classic... forever evergreen... forever drawing you in with his addictive beats and vocals... forever making you want to smile and dance nary a care in the world... truly an amazing earworm

i need to dance dance dance dance dance.

你小小的翅膀 就要向我飞翔
看到你挥挥手要我过来你身旁
那可怜的目光 那故事太迷茫
就在那天晚上吹进我的心已收藏

不停想你的可爱模样 著迷的我 就连灵魂都在為你牵掛
就像醉了一样 连呼吸都遗忘
如果这就是爱 愿意跟你到远方

闪著泪光 我真不忍心 眼看著你受伤
就算一秒或是到永远也好 我都确定方向

So Baby Don’t Go
带我到会有你的地方 永远都在一起走
我们要一起飞到世界的最中心
你就在我的眼裡 哪裡都飞不出去
跟我走 你就不会消失或失踪
就像梦过的你 你是我生命 那个美丽蝴蝶

不管从哪里来 不管到哪里去
你总围绕著还会 对着我眨眼睛
沿路会有弯曲 也请你别焦急
因为爱我想什么都不需要去担心

请看看我 别躲开爱情
我一直记得你的美
爱悄悄的来到 来不及预告
爱正在进行 正准备好出发

你的回忆 连以后都会充满我的足跡
藏在脑海裡感到特别开心变成爱的密码

So Baby Don’t Go
带我到会有你的地方 永远都在一起走
我们要一起飞到世界的最中心
你就在我的眼裡 哪裡都飞不出去
跟我走 你就不会消失或失踪
就像梦过的你 你是我生命 那个美丽蝴蝶

站在街头 陌生又熟悉
就算迷了路也清晰
我会跟著我的心 因為你是我的依归
就像风 随你到处遨游 贴著风 随你路线去走
我相信爱就在我手中

So Baby Don’t Go
带我到会有你的地方 永远都在一起走
我们要一起到世界的尽头
你就在我眼中从不曾飞走
跟我走 你就不会消失或失踪
就像梦过的你 你是我生命 那个美丽蝴蝶


never thought this song would take on a different meaning at this point but i'm clinging onto hope so badly right now. just clinging on so badly.

After a mad frustrating day, I left work to get to my granny's. As I stepped off the train, Super Junior was trying to convince me through "miracle" that "life will get better".

I wanted to laugh at the timing when I glanced to the side and lo and behold... a ghost from the past was there. A very good looking ghost. He had always been an eye candy, especially during that one very trying period.

I looked skyward and smiled.

Well played, big guy, well played.

Even if my heart's still beating just for you
I really know you are not feeling like I do
And even if the sun is shining over me
How come I still freeze?
- CNBLUE's Teardrops in the Rain (Lee Jonghyun)

his enunciation was so amazing last night at the concert. it wasn't "how come I still fee" like when he first recorded but "how come I still freeze" last night. His vocals completely blew me away last night, including how ridiculously charismatic he was whenever he was jamming on the electric guitar.

when he opted for the acoustic guitar, I had a feeling he was going to play this very song. and oh goodness, that amazing amazing boy did not let me down. to hear it playing on my playlist is one thing. to hear his beautiful vulnerable voice live is just... absolutely amazing. pure goosebumps inducing and heart-meltingly sad.

Lee Jonghyun, thank you.

Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
Right now there's a war between the vanities
But all I see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home
Come home
- ONEREPUBLIC "Come home"

sweet. simple. just K.Will melting hearts all over the world with his voice, his song, and his pretty MV scenes in "You Don't Know Love".

of course it helps that it's Park Chanyeol in the MV but still, K.Will. ^-^

perfect proposal method, if you ask me. absolutely perfect.

some classics are worth listening to over and over and over again.



even if the music video is so old and cringe-worthy. but hey, Han geng!

it's a little disconcerting to have an almost-annual health scare or at least some problem that sees me visiting the hospital more than I'd like to.

there was the lump in my chest that had to be take out a few years back.

then there was the persistent nose-bleeding for days and the cancer tracker test

followed by the fracture of legends

and now, after a visit to the ENT, I've got to schedule a blood test and there's a visit with the neurologist next week. at that point, I just stared at Dr Mark and wondered if he needed to know about the current pressing headache or the palpitations from the day before.



my insurance company would be so proud of me. I need a hug. T-T

when you’re part of a big fat crazy -and I really mean psychopathic IMH style crazy- family, there’s barely a dull moment.

but no expects to be hit by a series of unfortunate events all over the extended family on all sides within 5 days.

the loss of a taxi license due to stupid acts

the loss of a good man to heart attack

the loss of freedom because the damn maid agency had its license suspended (maid for two months and counting. my evenings now revolve around the laundry and sweeping while my weekends are gone too)

the most dramatic moment being last night close to 10pm where I found myself in the porch of my grandaunt’s pitch dark house with my mom, my sister, Es, and Ade, trying to figure out why the old senile lady was MIA. and I don’t even mean senile in a bad way. the old one has been hit with dementia and is medically senile.

we went round in circles around the outside of the house in the dark and stupid Ade was freaking all of us out by saying she actually heard my grand aunt (her god grandma) call her and say she’d be down in a min. Uncle G and Aunt Joc were called to help think of solutions to find out where she was.

finally, we got the locksmith past 10pm and he started to help us break in. by then, I had time to walk home, shower, dump the laundry in the washer, and head back to my grand aunt’s. Aunt W, who was my grand aunt’s god daughter, had shown up too. by about 10.20pm, we broke into the house. the poor lock smith had bleeding fingers. I brought him to wash his hands and plastered him up while the rest of the family went to hunt the house.

at one point, we were bemoaning how the flashlights from our phones were eating our batteries as we were using them for the locksmith. Aunt W wondered how we were going to find our way around the house. I looked at her.

“are we really all that tired? we can switch on the lights once we’re in.”

there was a pause before tired laughter all around, all clearly drained by this side of the extended family.

thankfully we found the old one in her house quickly. called the ambulance. then avoided her because she was still downright nasty. my mom sent Es back to the wake because Es needed to be there. the man we had lost to heart attack was her father-in-law.

I stayed with Ade and Aunt W. I called my uncle and Aunt W called Aunt Joc to keep them posted. Aunt Joc even asked if she should come down to join us as support and if we wanted anything to eat as she would be coming from Centrepoint. But Aunt Joc stayed far from us so we told her to head home instead and we’d keep her updated. After that, Ade, Aunt W and I came up with theories as to how the old one was found in her current extremely unhygienic state of… well.. hygiene.

Mom came back and Uncle G soon arrived. then the ambulance came at about 11pm. Uncle G followed Aunt W to the hospital. Aunt W chased Ade home as Ade had to be at the church the next day at 7.45am to help with the final touches of the funeral.

by the time Mom, Ade, and I did what we could to keep the house secure and head home, it was almost 11.30 at night. Ade drove back and Mom and I walked. as we trudged upslope in the dead of the night, Mom thanked me for being there. I stared at her.

“That’s what ‘family’ is about, isn’t it? Aunt Joc… Aunt W… you’re all from different mothers… but you all still rallied around each other for Number One (that’s the old one’s nickname). Just like we were all together last night at the wake. We are family. It’s only natural, isn't it.”

there was something unspoken because while we knew our families weren’t perfect, at least we weren’t as torn or as dysfunctional as Number One’s own family whose own child can’t be bothered with her.

 

we continued walking in silence after that. to conclude the night, my younger sister dropped a message in our sibling chatgroup.

“My dear siblings, with the prevalence of dementia in our family, I foresee a future of us having dementia too and possibly lying in our poop one day. but rest assured for as long as I’m alive, I will be there to pick you up from your poop (or at least get someone else to… if I remember to…) T-T”

“This is my family. I found it, all on my own. Is little, and broken, but still good. Ya. Still good.” - Lilo & Stitch (2002)

I’ve said this before and I’ll say this again. I adore my family, even the fun extended relatives who are willing to bring us Macs supper from Centrepoint. we’re not perfect. we’re big and it’s a little crazy. but we’re still good.

yea. still good. 

I've always liked Super Junior M. with vocals like Ryeowook and Kyuhyun, what's there not to like?

thing is, I've never really paid attention to the other members, namely Zhoumi and Henry even though they are the two Chinese members in the group. but with S.M. Ballad, I'm starting to sit up and take notice of Zhoumi. his voice. omg his voice.

prompted by this while talking about packing for my upcoming vacation. pure verbatim of copy and paste.

me: i'm so torn about bringing dongxi

friend: bring la. it hasn't stopped u b4

me: Oh Sehun has a toy that he has to hug to sleep. called Pinku Pinku. and he has two rubber duckies because "showering can be boring"

me: i don't want to be like an Oh Sehun!

friend:  really? u don't want to be like an Oh Sehun?

me: i want an Oh Sehun. not to be like him

friend: maybe your dongxi can attract his pinku pinku.

friend: it sounds so wrong when i typed it out

me: please when i typed out mine.. i was silently laughing and choking to myself

friend: bring la. it's not as if i've not seen u w dongxi

friend: still remember u torn about whether to stuff him into your longchamp bag cos he may not be able to breathe...

friend: ...

me: OMG. WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT THAT ANYMORE

i need help on so many levels.

been ODing on really old songs. and suddenly, they make me feel a little wistful.. a little gray.. a little sad.

that i've forgotten the feeling being connected to a song. that i haven't felt certain emotions for such a long time that lyrics which used to resonate with me now just leave me a little empty. or maybe not empty.. but more of a sense of lingering bittersweetness.

Don't wake up, won't wake up, can't wake up, no, don't wake me up - Mika's "By the Time"

there's a dull ache where certain emotions once were. but yet with it comes no regret. there's a strange unexplainable pang in missing how the lyrics made me feel once, for it to now be replaced with a little more understanding. where tender joy and longing once used to be now leaves behind a comforting sadness and acceptance.

It's plain to see that, baby, you're beautiful and it's nothing wrong with you. It's me, I'm a freak - Adam Lambert "What Do You Want From Me"


perhaps this is what it means to be 30 years old. it's not about what you do or say. it's not about how you look or dress. but it's about what words now mean to you. how songs you used to have on repeat are still on repeat after years, but with very very different meanings to you now.


I could get used to this. :)

was on the bus today when I overheard a little kid from an international school telling his friend that Samsung copied Apple. and because his friend was using a Samsung, it meant that his friend was a copycat.

then he proceeded to ask his Samsung using friend why he couldn't afford an Apple.

i was probably one comment away from an assault and child abuse charge.


the Samsung using kid is a little Korean boy that I usually see on the bus. he's the cutest little thing when he talks to his older sister and goes into full-aegyo mode. Apple boy was a tinier fella who kept talking about travelling. after a while, i turned my music up to block out his boasting.

i blame the kid's parents. i'm serious. i think my parents would have hit me if they heard me talking like that. but then again, there was no chance of me doing that. i never had branded stuff unless i saved up for it. but all my money was put to buying CDs and Glory Glory Man Utd. I carried a backpack that was a freebie from a petrol station from secondary school up to my second year in JC when I finally saved up enough money to get myself a deuter.

while people were drinking Starbucks weekly, it was a quarterly treat for me. but I don't know. it never really affected me back then. I couldn't be bothered about carrying a mambo-brand bag or wearing roxy slippers. $4.90 Trail slippers from army market were good enough.

probably why people think I'm a HDB-girl even though I grew up thinking that majority of Singaporeans stayed in landed, having seen landed property for most of my life, and going to my friends' private houses. and I'm thankful for that. that I never took anything for granted.


and may I never ever take anything for granted. and also that I won't ever hear little Apple boy boasting. seriously.

finally getting back on my feet and checking out schools for classes. there's so much I want to do. I want to sweat it out while pounding the gravel or punching the sandbag. I want to complete a barista course. and right now, there's nothing more I want than to spin and slide across the dance floor once more.

at an age where my friends are settling down and having kids, I just want to run away from the usual route that people walk. there's so much to learn. so much to see. so much still for me to do. skydiving in Switzerland. be more proficient in Spanish and Korean. pick up lyrical jazz. swing around in aerial yoga. perfect the spinning technique finally. be a certified barista. kiss a stranger in a club.. ok, scratch the last one. been there, done that, never again.

but there's so much I feel I need to do. I asked a friend earlier what it meant to be a 30-yo. How is a 30-yo supposed to act? go on dates and find that one to settle down? wear more serious clothes? do an eat-pray-love thing in Bali? visit all the avant garde hipster watering holes. hunt down industrial coffee joints?

I still want to go out and shop and watch movies alone. I want to wear my T-shirts and jeans/skirts. I want to lose my way in Korea and scour the night markets in Taiwan to eat, shop, and laugh. I want to enjoy 1-for-1 drinks at Wine Bar or have pancakes with beer at Overeasy. ok, I would totally hunt down coffee joints anywhere and everywhere. I mean, come on, it's coffee.

and at the end of the day, I want to dance. to remember what it means to lose all inhibitions and express myself through music and movement.

been listening to Gaga again, or at least her old songs. not a fan of her newer stuff but her older songs from Born This Way and earlier have always had an almost permanent place in my hearts. I love her beats and the occasional lyrics that make me pause to smile. stupid lines like "I live to be model thin" or "I'm gonna lace up my boots, throw on some leather and cruise down the the street that I love, in my fishnet gloves, I'm a sinner."

and she makes me want to dance all over again.

)


"some girls won't dance to the beat of the track." this one happens to be one of them. please, foot, please heal faster. please.

While I do not miss the giddy restless moments from being drunk, I miss the amazing freedom from the demons that haunt me during my sober moments.

Something's got to give.

Reminded by a friend that it will forever be futile. Hopefully a puppy will at least fit in my fat trex arms.

Been listening to my older CDs lately when I hit my Japanese songs. a familiar soothing voice started to take over my playlist and I remembered why I loved all the vocal training that I used to go through as a kid. all the voice projection and enunciation and how my choir teacher used to tell me that the voice is an incredible instrument for me to manipulate.. where I could choose to sing the way I spoke, or be operatically vocal... or even lend a Southern drawl to it.. all depending on the songs that we were singing.

simply because we were practising for a musical which was different from our usual performances.

when I was listening to my favorite Japanese male vocal, her words came back to me. Ken Hirai speaks so differently from the way he sings and it's simply beautiful.



strangely (or maybe not strangely) enough, I don't miss vocal training. I remember those days fondly but I'll never put myself through all that again.

dance has that same effect. different styles of dance command different expressions of engaging the audience. waltz... hip hop... latin... been there, done it.. and they are all different. how i'm reminded  to smile, seduce, or smirk depending on the style.

and I miss dance. oh goodness, I miss dance so much.

let's hope the check-up on 5 March will be the final one and I can return to the studio or gym to go back and wage war on the dance floor and sandbag again. *fingers crossed*

I really really love tumblr. I really do.

somebardy please give Himchan a role. that boy's brilliant.

After yet another visit to the granny's at the hospital, the mother and I were heading home as usual.

We were talking and laughing about random things like the family in the car when she suddenly said, "You have a very high threshold for pain."

It was just as random as the other things we were talking about but I didn't know how to continue. She continued on about how I never like to tell people when I am hurting or in pain. that I keep it all to myself. I insisted that I would tell them if I were in pain and I knew they could help it. if not, it didn't make sense to mention that I'm in pain anyway.

then she went to to say that even if people weren't in the position to take away the pain, I should tell them that I'm hurting.

"Because that way, we can at least be there with you."

at that point, I kinda figured she was talking about more than just physical pain. there was just a certain tone in her voice that make me look out of the window and not look at her for a brief second. it was like memories of a childhood that I never bothered to suppress but also never bothered sharing with any of my family. I cleared my throat.

"That's not true. I used to roll around on the sofa and complain about period pains."

"Do they still hurt as much?"

"Not anymore. Things do get better with time."

This time, my mother slipped into silence. We sat there for a few seconds not saying anything until I started laughing about my sisters and the funny things that happened in the last week between us. It was almost as though we never had the earlier conversation.

honestly, I don't really need to tell anyone if they can't help me. that's just the way it's been. I do rant about minor superficial stuff but there are things that are better left unspoken and resolved by myself. still, I guess knowing that my mom is somehow aware of all this happening makes me a little glad. I can only pray that she'll also be glad that her little girl has grown up to be a lot stronger.

the life i wish I had

sigh. back to work...

been at the hospital every day for 8 days already.

it's deja vu all over again. 1997 all over again.

i'm tired but I'll keep pushing on. no more regrets. I won't allow for it.

finally started reading Shingeki no Kyojin.

OMG. WHY DID I ONLY START NOW.

NO.

WHY DID I START READING NOW?

I'm lost to the world now. Damnit. I'm dead to the world.

60초로 충분한 story 내 삶에서 넌 사라졌어

널 잡지 않았어 니 맘을 본걸 짧지 않은 time

넌 그런 사람 네겐 충분한 story 선명하게 넌 전해졌어

넌 아프다 했고 난 보내줬어 마지막 그 time

Kim Myungsoo, you're too ridiculously pretty. And Kim Sunggyu, those vocals. ahh~

When I was in JC, I had an eccentric Physics tutor. She was also my lecturer which led to little embarrassing moments for us during lecture. The one I remembered the most was when she launched into a inspiration talk on life in the middle of a lecture. I'll never forget the content of her words.

"If you think your life is sad, go and walk through a hospital. Sit under a tree and think about life. You'll realize how fortunate you are."

That day in the lecture after she had said those words, she continued with, "Right, SA5? I always tell you guys that, do you remember?"

All of us immediately slid down our chairs, as if willing the ground to suck us in as we moved down lower and lower in our chairs.

Today, her words rang true.

My granny took a fall and was sent to the A&E. I rushed over during lunch to spend it with her. We were waiting for the CT scan as well as for a bed (massive bed crunch problem in all hospitals) so when I was with her, I was standing by her trolley bed in the A&E ward. At one point, a bed was pushed near my granny. The lady on the bed had a hole in her throat and even that did little to help her pain. She was wheezing and choking at intervals, her face scrunched up in pain even with her eyes closed.

I kept talking to my granny to distract her, moving her face slightly in pretense so that I could cover her ears. My eyes unknowingly wandered around the large ward.

There were so many beds. So many sad looking people with pain and hurt evident on their faces, eyes closed to will the pain away. All the while, my granny asked me why her anaesthesia wasn't working as well as it used to.

I knew it was a bone problem. Of course the pain would be unbearable.

I let my granny hold onto my hand tightly as I coaxed her to just pay attention to my voice and to just keep breathing to take her mind off the pain. I asked her random questions, trying to draw her attention away from everything else but me.

But even then, I couldn't help letting my attention drift to the rest in the room.

Many of the people, majority elderly folks, were alone. They had no one to take the pain away from them. They had no one to hold their hands or for them to hold onto. They were alone, hurting in their beds.

I had to close my eyes for a second in the ward, willing myself not to cry because I didn't want my granny to see me cry. The nurses in the ward were all busy and running around. I couldn't even find it in myself to ask them for another shot of mild anaesthesia because at least my granny had me. I felt like the nurses needed to tend to the others. I don't think I've ever felt so conflicted in a hospital setting, wanting the best for my granny but also wishing that a little more attention would be shown to those alone.

When I left my granny, I had to go to the toilet for a while to compose myself. Too many thoughts, too many voices. Ranging from "how could their kids leave them like this" to "if I don't ever marry and grow old alone, is that my fate as well".

The fear is real but at the same time, it felt so insignificant as compared to those already in the situation. I felt so drained just by being the room. I've never been good with coping in such situations. I don't know.

I feel so lost. so helpless. so unable to step up and help these people. and all I can do is pray. pray that they are heard. pray that I can make sense of this incredibly cruel world that's filled with pain. that when all things seem bleak and hopeless, I keep remembering who He is and that I'll never fully understand how the world works. still, it doesn't stop me from asking Him why these things happen, why people hurt. I know the theology behind all of it but I'm still asking why as I feel my breath being physically taken away from me while my chest literally aches for these people.

May I never stop asking why and may I never stop feeling for these people. May I keep questioning while I keep trusting. I don't know how it's all going to work out but for now, I'll just have to keep praying, no matter how helpless and hopeless it seems. I've just got to keep trusting Him even in times it feels silly to. He's got a plan. I don't understand and I don't always agree with it but He's got a plan.

If He can fulfil His promise of sending His Son to die in our place, the righteousness for the unrighteous... if He can raise His Son from the dead to overcome death... even if He waited for a really long time and watched His people flounder in life and fail each time and are persecuted or violated... He's been faithful. He's kept the promises that He made to His people since before the time of the reign of Ramses in Egypt.

What more the promises that He has made to us?

~*~
Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” - Rev 21:1-4
~*~

He has been faithful and He will continue to be faithful, whether I understand His plan or not. He is faithful. Help me to continue to trust and to respond to everything that hurts with the right kind of love.

I'm typically not a morning person...

scratch that. I'm not a morning person. people get to me too easily, especially when I have very very low tolerance for horrid selfish behavior and no tolerance for stupidity.

and this lady really just pissed me off today.


at work, for us to access the floors with offices, we are required to scan our staff passes in the lift at a panel just below the floor buttons. these floor buttons and scanning panel, as most lifts, are situated at the area near the door.

usually when people wait for the lift, there's an unspoken FIFO ("first-in-first-out") rule. meaning if you're at the lift lobby first, you get first dibs to ensure a spot in the lift.

and this little bitch squeezed past everyone to stand right in front of the lift door, conveniently ignoring the rest of us waiting. fine. there weren't many of us (5 of us this morning) so we were all going to fit in the lift anyway.

the lift door opened and she practically marched in, in a manner that if anyone were near her, they would have been shoved by her shoulders and swinging arms. then she scanned the panel with her staff card and proceeded to block the lift buttons from everyone else. there is another panel of lift buttons for the wheelchair-enabled persons at the side of the lift so the rest of us could press our floor buttons.

now, the staff pass scanning panel has a time limit as a security measure. so if you don't meet the time frame after the first person scans his or her card, you simply scan your pass again and then proceed to press your floor button. a guy missed it and when he reached out with his staff pass, this little bitch refused to move from her spot where there was probably just a 10cm gap between her body and the panel. the guy had to carefully manoeuvre his hand so as to not touch her.

then when the door stopped on one of the floors, this bitch had her fingers placed ON the "door close" button, short of pressing it, even before the door could open.

Hi, what the hell is wrong with you?

I was glaring holes in her skull from the back by then. I knew that the cleaning aunty in the lift was getting off on my floor as well so when it hit my floor, the cleaning aunty pressed the "door open" button for me. I stepped out of the lift and immediately pressed my hand against the side of the lift door, holding it open for the cleaning aunty. she thanked me with a smile.

little bitch stared at me with wide eyes for holding the lift door open manually because that always overrides the button system. I stared straight back at her. in that split second, she wavered and looked away.




little bitch, don't mess with me. really. especially not in the morning. just don't bother.

so a friend is going to Seoul and trying to avoid it when it's cold. and for some reason, I was reminded of my Jeju trip where we brilliantly decided to go BBQ at our pension.

This was March 2013. Jeju was probably 2-5 degrees that night. not counting the wind chill.

and I was standing out in the cold night, in my T-shirt and jeans, with my friend, also just in his T-shirt and jeans. just because of pork belly, pork shoulder, and beef bulgogi.

The wind was biting and the warmth of the BBQ was barely enough. at one point, we were eating right off the grill to gain warmth from the cooked food. By the time we were done and I had returned to the room, my fingers were experiencing borderline frostbite and my teeth were chattering. Thank god for heated floors because I just laid down and let my body slowly warm up before we started dinner.

Now when I look back, it's probably my favorite memory of the whole trip. Because Jeju was just hilarious, with our large bottle of Somaek in the backseat while I wailed out fake Korean along with the songs from my mp3 player, keeping the driver awake.



Then this happened a few weeks ago on EXO Showtime.

the boys were at Sokcho, also a beach resort.

I died laughing. I really couldn't stop because I totally felt for them. Imagine dealing with the harsh biting cold just for pork belly, only to see it fly off the grill. the wind was so strong that the metal grill flew off, tipping the aluminium foil with it. I had to pause the stupid show and finish laughing because it was too ridiculous.

I really need to rethink about this whole BBQing thing in Sokcho in Sept/Oct. but seriously, that desolation and hopelessness in Kim Jongdae's face was just so priceless. Thankfully, the meat fell onto the ground, still on the aluminium foil and away from the soil. So the two boys picked it up and ate it anyway. I would have too.... I think. depending on how desperate I'd be for samgyupsal, I guess.

I can't wait. I really can't wait for Korea this year. :)

I had the joy of looking back on the years to review my life with a dear friend on Saturday night over beer.

with everything, I am reminded that God is good.

even when my crushes didn't work out. even when I never fell in love with people who were interested with me. even if my previous relationship didn't go the way I had hoped it would.

I'm reminded that He's truly in control. that even when I don't understand why things happen, I see Him revealing himself in little ways that make me smile and feel ever so thankful for.

all of the guys from above are happy where they are now. I think. I hope. hahahaha. all of them are now in relationship. i think. to the best of my knowledge... and I couldn't be happier for them. to see them move in, even with children in their lives...

life is good. God has been incredibly good to me and I'm thankful for it all. :))