prompted by this while talking about packing for my upcoming vacation. pure verbatim of copy and paste.

me: i'm so torn about bringing dongxi

friend: bring la. it hasn't stopped u b4

me: Oh Sehun has a toy that he has to hug to sleep. called Pinku Pinku. and he has two rubber duckies because "showering can be boring"

me: i don't want to be like an Oh Sehun!

friend:  really? u don't want to be like an Oh Sehun?

me: i want an Oh Sehun. not to be like him

friend: maybe your dongxi can attract his pinku pinku.

friend: it sounds so wrong when i typed it out

me: please when i typed out mine.. i was silently laughing and choking to myself

friend: bring la. it's not as if i've not seen u w dongxi

friend: still remember u torn about whether to stuff him into your longchamp bag cos he may not be able to breathe...

friend: ...

me: OMG. WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT THAT ANYMORE

i need help on so many levels.

been ODing on really old songs. and suddenly, they make me feel a little wistful.. a little gray.. a little sad.

that i've forgotten the feeling being connected to a song. that i haven't felt certain emotions for such a long time that lyrics which used to resonate with me now just leave me a little empty. or maybe not empty.. but more of a sense of lingering bittersweetness.

Don't wake up, won't wake up, can't wake up, no, don't wake me up - Mika's "By the Time"

there's a dull ache where certain emotions once were. but yet with it comes no regret. there's a strange unexplainable pang in missing how the lyrics made me feel once, for it to now be replaced with a little more understanding. where tender joy and longing once used to be now leaves behind a comforting sadness and acceptance.

It's plain to see that, baby, you're beautiful and it's nothing wrong with you. It's me, I'm a freak - Adam Lambert "What Do You Want From Me"


perhaps this is what it means to be 30 years old. it's not about what you do or say. it's not about how you look or dress. but it's about what words now mean to you. how songs you used to have on repeat are still on repeat after years, but with very very different meanings to you now.


I could get used to this. :)

was on the bus today when I overheard a little kid from an international school telling his friend that Samsung copied Apple. and because his friend was using a Samsung, it meant that his friend was a copycat.

then he proceeded to ask his Samsung using friend why he couldn't afford an Apple.

i was probably one comment away from an assault and child abuse charge.


the Samsung using kid is a little Korean boy that I usually see on the bus. he's the cutest little thing when he talks to his older sister and goes into full-aegyo mode. Apple boy was a tinier fella who kept talking about travelling. after a while, i turned my music up to block out his boasting.

i blame the kid's parents. i'm serious. i think my parents would have hit me if they heard me talking like that. but then again, there was no chance of me doing that. i never had branded stuff unless i saved up for it. but all my money was put to buying CDs and Glory Glory Man Utd. I carried a backpack that was a freebie from a petrol station from secondary school up to my second year in JC when I finally saved up enough money to get myself a deuter.

while people were drinking Starbucks weekly, it was a quarterly treat for me. but I don't know. it never really affected me back then. I couldn't be bothered about carrying a mambo-brand bag or wearing roxy slippers. $4.90 Trail slippers from army market were good enough.

probably why people think I'm a HDB-girl even though I grew up thinking that majority of Singaporeans stayed in landed, having seen landed property for most of my life, and going to my friends' private houses. and I'm thankful for that. that I never took anything for granted.


and may I never ever take anything for granted. and also that I won't ever hear little Apple boy boasting. seriously.

finally getting back on my feet and checking out schools for classes. there's so much I want to do. I want to sweat it out while pounding the gravel or punching the sandbag. I want to complete a barista course. and right now, there's nothing more I want than to spin and slide across the dance floor once more.

at an age where my friends are settling down and having kids, I just want to run away from the usual route that people walk. there's so much to learn. so much to see. so much still for me to do. skydiving in Switzerland. be more proficient in Spanish and Korean. pick up lyrical jazz. swing around in aerial yoga. perfect the spinning technique finally. be a certified barista. kiss a stranger in a club.. ok, scratch the last one. been there, done that, never again.

but there's so much I feel I need to do. I asked a friend earlier what it meant to be a 30-yo. How is a 30-yo supposed to act? go on dates and find that one to settle down? wear more serious clothes? do an eat-pray-love thing in Bali? visit all the avant garde hipster watering holes. hunt down industrial coffee joints?

I still want to go out and shop and watch movies alone. I want to wear my T-shirts and jeans/skirts. I want to lose my way in Korea and scour the night markets in Taiwan to eat, shop, and laugh. I want to enjoy 1-for-1 drinks at Wine Bar or have pancakes with beer at Overeasy. ok, I would totally hunt down coffee joints anywhere and everywhere. I mean, come on, it's coffee.

and at the end of the day, I want to dance. to remember what it means to lose all inhibitions and express myself through music and movement.

been listening to Gaga again, or at least her old songs. not a fan of her newer stuff but her older songs from Born This Way and earlier have always had an almost permanent place in my hearts. I love her beats and the occasional lyrics that make me pause to smile. stupid lines like "I live to be model thin" or "I'm gonna lace up my boots, throw on some leather and cruise down the the street that I love, in my fishnet gloves, I'm a sinner."

and she makes me want to dance all over again.

)


"some girls won't dance to the beat of the track." this one happens to be one of them. please, foot, please heal faster. please.

While I do not miss the giddy restless moments from being drunk, I miss the amazing freedom from the demons that haunt me during my sober moments.

Something's got to give.

Reminded by a friend that it will forever be futile. Hopefully a puppy will at least fit in my fat trex arms.