festive periods are happy times.

but they are also times where the depressed just get more depressed. to see happy families and couples and all the ppl having fun when those down in the dumps aren't. it's proven. counsellors get more calls at periods like these.

could be the reason for my emo moment last night. i apologize to that very sweet friend of mine who tolerated my emo state and the words of kindness.

on hindsight, i would have coped better if i had a box of dark royce choc.


but the budak pantai concert before my emo state was amazing. there were new songs and i seriously even laughed at the old jokes. jeremy and ben were just rocking in their chairs with laughter. it was a fun night really.

new album, due in mid 2007... still waiting for Leap to come out in the theatres.. still in love with "Leap" by Budak Pantai..

Hey you
you with that fabulous smile
you with that gorgeous laughter
can i talk with you a while
hey you
you with that charming grin
you and your silly manner
i like to know your name

simple lyrics. simple tune.. but just so amazing. all the elements of sweet serenade. i seriously melted the first time i heard that song and Joe's earnest voice. they performed it again last night and i was just grinning while mouthing the words. too bad they didn't sing "Lover's Tears".. or "The Moon Represents My Heart"...

that wld have been the ultimate serenade for the night.

a couple of days ago, it was above 30 degrees in australia. yday, it snowed.

yes, australia is experiencing summer. there is snow in NSW and Victoria.

Snow in Australia (click to read article)

the one christmas miracle (read "miracle" article here) that the firemen were looking for to ease the burden of the bushfires. and it comes on christmas day, the day we remember the birth of our lord Jesus Christ.

things work out in ways we really never think possible.

Merry Christmas, Australia. i miss you.

Melbourne Trip (Part 4.. and the last one too!)

20th Dec
we embarked on our Great Ocean Road (GOR) roadtrip on our free day. accompanied by aunty boon hong, we managed to get out of paying AUD$120 each to paying abt AUD$360 for 7 ppl for a more flexible tour.

our first stop was Geelong where the crazy sisters went for a 30min shopping rush before we stop at Lorne for some pictures by the beach. there were some ppl surfing and i longed to join them. hey, i really wanna learn how to surf but that's pretty pointless in singapore. it was freezing despite the fact that it was summer.

lunch was at apollo bay's seafood cafe where the fish and chips were s'posed to be the best in the town. there was such a wide range of fish but we settled for the butterfish, cod and barramundi after staring at the menu for quite a while. we then reached the twelve apostles just before 2 pm. ok, 11 apostles. one was weathered away.

we then headed for another area where there was more rock formation to look at. we got as far as the "blow hole" and the "thunder cave" before we made our way back to Melbourne. by the time we reached our hotel, it was 9pm. it was Nandos for dinner. fabulous chicken really.

21st Dec
our final destination before home was the Direct Factory Outlet (DFO). i lurve Jay Jay. bought a top, bag and shorts for AUD$40! and just the other day, i bought 2 dresses for AUD$12.50 each at the jay jay in chadstone. i saw this really nice dress for AUD$70 at Gripp Jeans but didn't buy it.

if i had the money and time in Melbourne, i think i would have wiped out jay jay, cotton on, gripp jeans, west co, jean west, hairspa and sportsgirl. absolutely fab, i tell you. we ended off the day with a dozen of krispy kreme to bring home. i *heart* krispy kreme. lurve lurve, i tell you.

mommy says i can migrate to Melbourne. as long as i get married. which means the guy must be ok with living in melbourne. hey, not that i mind. the melbourne guys are cute. yes, little superficial me.. but out of the all the cute guys, don't tell me that there's not one who's christian and able to lead me.

the weather's been good to us. it was low 20s in the morning and by noon, it'd be really cold! apparantly, it snowed on christmas! despite it being 31 degrees the day before.

*look around me*

shucks. somebody fly me back there!!!

Melbourne Trip (Part 3)

19th Dec
an absolutely foodie day awaits me. we head for the Ashcrombe Maze. the rose maze wasn't much from far but upclose, each rose stood out in its own unique manner, be it the usual roses that you see in the stores to the wild roses with the different petals. the lavander labyrith smelt fantastic! the flower mazes were nice but the 7 tier waterfall was a disappointment..

not that it had intended i guess. melbourne's facing water shortage so they had to shut the system off. the chicken pie for lunch was really quite nice. dessert.. was.. funky.

after the maze, we headed to the strawberry farm. picking and eating, we really had quite a laugh esp when pop was stuffing his face so quickly that he burst out laughing and spit on yong and me. at the farm, we went quite mad and bought a semi-sweet strawberry wine and a strawberry port to go with the strawberry and even a chocolate dip.

our last stop was at cellar door for wine tasting. the first whites and reds weren't too nice. the moscanto was fab! sparkling, sweet and not too alcoholic with only 7% in it. i lurve it. we bought 6 bottles of it on the spot. yes, we're quite mad.

when we went back to the hotel, we decided to just have strawberries. not contended with just that, we bought 3 boxes of lord of fries. we ate so much i seriously felt sick.. then there was cheese and crackers and a whole bottle of moscanto. even the strawberries were dead sweet. plus the cherries and nectarines... amazing stuffed dinner.

need to cut back man... but i'm just soooo in love in Melbourne. (sorry, James!)

Melbourne Trip (Part 2)

18th Dec
the day started off with shopping in Chadstone. i love Oz fashion. and their range of hair products.. mind-blowing. i was content with just staring at the rows of products and not buying anything. pressed for time, we rushed through the place before finishing off with Krispy Kreme original glazed donut. magnificant stuff! the glazed devil's food looks terribly tempting but i controlled myself.

first touristy spot for the day was Warrook Farm. it was the usual stuff... feeding lambs and calves, milking cows, watching a sheep being sheared, watched sheep being herded by adorable border collies, feeding kangeroos and oh, more silly pictures naturally.

our next stop was this place called "A-mazing Things". a bit like ripley's corner 'cept it was full of brain teaser nonsensical stuff. it was a good laugh with more silly pictures. after that, we visited to the koala conservatory. those fat little things are absolutely lovely. and yes, teik picked up a dead gutted lizard because it was in a box that said "touch me!". idiot. i warned him against picking it up..

dinner was ok. we had half a lobster each. mind you, lobster. not crayfish. the bloody thing was huge even though it was half. i cldn't eat much rice. plus, i was getting a headache from the PRCs who were busy getting drunk and very noisy in the other table. quickly eating my food, i waited for the group outside the restaurant.

when pops came out, he was terribly displeased. so he started ranting abt the long queue at the guys' toilet. since when did queues form outside the gents? he then explained that two PRC aunties went into the gents and took donkey years. maybe they were experimenting with the urinal? whatever the case, they are disgusting. i saw one spit into the basin and she didn't even bother to wash it away!! ARGH!!!

our last stop was the freezing phillip island to see the penguin parade. after more silly photos in the shop, we headed towards the sea. photos aren't allowed 'cos the fairy penguins are very sensitive to bright flashes and they can be blinded by it. and the trick to getting upclose with the penguins is to walk along the boardwalk back to the main arena because that's where all their burrows are. you will be practically walking next to the birds.

despite the many warnings against photography, i saw a flash a little ahead of me when i was along the boardwalk. it was a stupid PRC auntie. i was seriously pissed off. i followed her for a little while. when she got all shifty eyed and whipped out her camera again, i approached her and told her that she wasn't allowed to take photos. she merely laughed it off and said she forgot.

Yar. and i'm a monkey's uncle.

she quickly shuffled off and i saw red. i approached the first ranger i saw (clearly distinguished by the green windbreaker) and told him to look out for the crazy PRC auntie who was blinding the penguin. he went off in the direction that i pointed him to after thanking me for stopping the auntie with a smile.

a very brilliant heart-melting smile. ^-^

the ranger was hot. sharp features, lovely big brown eyes that you can get lost in, typical boyish features. and no!! i didn't go to him purposefully!! i saw his back even before i saw his face, ok??

sidetracked. but yes, nothing against PRCs 'cept those who push, shove, lack manners, spit everywhere and anywhere, talk loudly even after repeated announcements that loud noises do startle the penguins, don't listen to instructions, smell funny, smoke everywhere 'cept designated smoking zones, talk to you as though you are 500 m away even though you're 50 cm away.. *-*

i know nice PRCs. but currently, it feels as though they are a minority. and in the words of teik in view of the whole situation after the day's tour.

"Their population needs thinning out."

anyhoo.. more photos..

is it a koala? continue scrolling down to other pictures for the answer...

Melbourne Trip (Part 1)

16th Dec
the plane takes off only at 9 pm. mentally calculating, i'm due to reach Melbourne in 7 hours. so that's abt 4 am? but.. melbourne is faster than singapore by 3 hours. so once i touch down, i'm off to the tour.

there's not much to entertain myself with on the plane 'cept the krisworld audio. forgot my mp3 player which is an absolute bummer. there's umizaru 2 so i can watch it. not much fun since i really preferred the first one because it was funnier. this is more action and only centers around Daisuke Senzaki and Kanna.

eye candy count? 1. this Jap looking dude. i'm hopeless. haiz

17th Dec
It's a long long day of little sleep for me. once we touched down, i headed for the coach, intending to knock out before our first stop. instead, i was wide-eyed as the driver drove towards the city, in the direction of St Patrick's Cathedral. after a few morning shots at the Cathedral, we headed to Fitzroy Garden then to Queen Victoria Market before we ended at our lunch destination.

Melbourne's a charming place of old and new, city and country. it's a nice in-between of Perth and Sydney. I've fallen in love with it on my first day there. Queen Victoria ("QVM") has the loveliest nectarines of shades of a young girl's blush in the golden sun. they are fantastically sweet and the cherries just the juiciest and sweetest because they are just so fresh. even the prima donna cheese (aged cheddar) at QVM is fantastic on crackers.

the ppl are friendly and eye candy count has busted. i stopped counting and just enjoyed the sights of pretty sea of green, blue and brown smiling eyes nearly wherever i went.

funny thing happened at QVM though. Sis and i headed to a cafe for a morning perk-me-upper. i went for a hot chocolate and sis decided on her usual Machiatto. so she ordered with a sweet looking asian girl.

"Machiatto to go, please."

"Cappucino," the girl smiled and nodded.

"No no, Machiatto."

"Cappucino?"

Sis was flustered. the Italian guy making the coffee looked up and Sis ordered directly from him. with a, "Ah! Machiatto", he prepared it for her. for a minute, i was wondering if Sis was being difficult. when i looked at the coffee board, they had Machiatto. standard of any cafe, really. we had a laugh abt it after that.

After lunch, we headed back to the hotel finally to rest. watching a couple of movies, we headed out for dinner at the dragonboat restaurant before resting for the day. once our tour guide, victor, mentioned "dragonboat", my family turned to smile at me. yes. i love them too. haiz

photos!

Us fooling around at fitzroy garden

yes, my sister is crazy. but i still love her..

Queen Victoria Market
More photos and updates tomorrow. and i'll try to upload the photos soon! just need to sort them out first...

back from the cruise. my apologies to those who have not seen me online for such a long time. didn't mean to make all of you miss me.. ahaha. joking

the cruise was.. hmm.. beyond words. on the first day, i was still affected by all that had happened over the one week after the exams. overwhelming time for me to have so many small little things bug me. and the food on the cruise is all very. salty. and it didn't help that my family was eating the ship broke..

and my nutty family believes in second lunch and second dinner.. and supper. i was just eating bread all the way. there's smth abt buttered bread, be it rye or plain, and hot tea that keeps me happy. that little brit nut perhaps? oh well. i skipped supper on the last night. i was tired but that didn't stop me from waking up a couple of times.

the second day, i just lazed around, read my book and bible.. absolutely relaxed the entire day and keep all distractions away from going back to what that truly mattered to me.. God. really wanted to come clean with God. i lost sight of Him during the exam period and it just felt depressing at the end of it. but now that's over, i have to make sure that i don't lose sight anymore.

i got a tattoo.. a fake one naturally.

can't think of putting myself thru the pain of a real one. think i'd go quite mad from the needles. oh well. can't really think of anything else to add abt the trip. i'll let the pictures do the talking. :)

walking to the boat

on the deck on the second day with yong.


is it just me or does it look like a scene from loveboat?

morning of the third day. breaktaking, ain't it?

for more pictures, check out my photo gallery at yahoo (here: http://photos.yahoo.com/nookweis/). and oh, yes.. camp pictures are up there as well.. or will be soon enough.. i'm blogging as i upload lah.. hee hee.

it's been a whirlwind dec camp for me.

we had the honor of having Robin teach us from Hebrews, our theme being supreme worship. Robin is a really nice guy. i had the chance to chat with him and he earnestly challenged me. gave me issues to think abt which i will touch on later. and you can see his heart for the gospel in the group chats that he has with everyone.

sure, he pokes fun at me during the talks but in ways that no one would understand unless they've heard the coversations i've had with him during the camp, be it over lunch or in a big group while sitting around. but i give thanks for the reminder of God's word through the very animated and faithful Robin.

the camp was an overall great time as always in terms of the building of Christ's church, be it thru forming tighter bonds or growing in the word. i didn't get to talk to the exco girls as much as i wld have liked to, but i got to talk to suyin, dorcas, evan and elaine a lot more than i would normally have. we were all growing in our understanding of Hebrews together. how fantastic is that?

on the downside, the issues that i've face this camp were a lot more. Robin challenged me with coming out to my Dad abt the fact that i'm Christian. by thursday morning, it overwhelmed me so much. joshua was leading songs and his second song, "heart of worship" hit me soooo badly that i started to cry. thankfully, i was sitting at the side so no one really noticed.

when joshua got to his last song "You laid aside Your majesty", i decided to step out to compose myself. but once i did, i broke down even more. James, on his way to the toilet, saw me and beckoned me to step out for a while. i shared with him the issue of my dad and really cldn't stop crying.

i'm crying because of the pressure that's on me as to whether i tell him or not. God saves by faith, doesn't He? but it's hard to find comfort with conflicting pressures from everyone. right now as i think abt it, i guess i was hoping for just someone to tell me that they've been encouraged by the tenacity.. by my passion for the gospel despite the struggle. no one has done that. and now if they do that, i'll wonder if they are merely saying it because it's on my blog..

and not because they mean it and see it in my life which would then turn out to be false to me.

when i returned to the talk by Robin, i was soo terribly distracted. things that may seem trivial to ppl do affect me very badly. it's just in my nature to be affected. i try not to affect ppl around me but i find it hard to control the impact that things have on me.

during the bbq, i struggled with whether i shld stay over or not. i wanted to go home with suyin to keep talking to her. i've heard that she felt lonely and didn't really have many friends in CF. i tried to make her feel welcomed the entire night but cldn't decide on staying. so out of playfulness, i asked gabe to make the decision for me. he told me to stay for the night.

yet, i struggled with staying as i watched and spoke to suyin. when i went to the rooms to look for felicia, i found fel with lydia. rather quickly, esther ran up looking for lydia because "(lydia's) friend" was just there.. and immediately, i decided to go home with suyin. so i packed my bags.

when it was time to go, everyone else kicked up a big fuss. whether they meant it or out of childish ribbing, it affected me badly. david tried to take my bag out of the car and get me out of the car. dennis started squirting water at the car. and the worst part, i thought i heard them use the title of "vice president" against me. at that split second, i was struck by a thought.

"if being vice president meant staying all the way during the camp with ppl that i'm familiar with and not leaving with ppl who might need a friend or two a little more... i will give up my leadership position. as vice president and as an assistant group leader. to just be a normal member."

and while we laughed in the car after that, the guilt ate me up so quickly that by the time i reached the mrt, i was writhing inside, dying away that it was sooo hard to please everyone. was i pleasing God by leaving the rest at the chalet while i went home with suyin? i smiled and acted normal but inside me was more turmoil added to the morning's problem. (btw, i'm still convinced by my thought.. that if my man-created position is a distraction from doing what i discern is wisest for the ministry in the gospel's perspective, i will give up that position.. be it a job or even a title in the ministry like vice president.)

when suyin got off at the stop before mine, gabriel asked her if she would be going for the christmas party, she said she would try to make it. when i had asked her during the bbq before i talked to her more, she just smiled politely at me without really answering. seeing her warm up a lot more made me really glad. i immediately smsed fel who then provided me with another bit of good news with regards to the smth else we've both been concern abt. i smsed steph my good news and told her to pray for it all.

i had to call dennis. he had put in sooo much effort and sacrificed so much. but he didn't pick up the phone so i left a "missed call". when he called back later, i was unable to thank him properly because he told me not to do so.. and the reason he gave affected me. after hearing his reason for me to not thank him, i thanked him anyway. his reason had nothing to do with why i wanted to thank him.

but once i put down the phone, i burst into tears. the whole day of accumulated issues that may seem small affected me really badly. like i said, it's just my character. i took a shower in hopes of calming myself down so that i would be able to rest for the night.. but it didn't work. so i shared it with da ge, hoping that getting it off my chest would ease it a little. instead, i cried again, terribly awake from the overload.

i'm an absolute emotional nut. and i'm not ashamed of it. as long as i don't affect the ppl around me and as long as ppl know that it's just my character.. i'm praying that writing all this on my blog will allow ppl to not panic when i suddenly break down and also that they will realized even things that are done in jest and without ill-intention does kill me.

so don't bring me down or make me feel bad then tell me that you "didn't mean it". 'cos you can convince me until the cows come home and go out again, i will be affected by it because i know that there is a probability of the fact that i'm an absolute ass and disgrace to the ministry being true. conversely, if you are really upset with me, don't get even more upset because i break down. it's my own personal coping mechanism when i'm very very affected by smth.

i need rest. really.

after my exams on thursday (it's over!!), went to watch happy feet with mich lee, steph, cy, jer cher, david. it was nice to watch a no brainer show and just laugh. disappointed with the udon for dinner though. it was clearly one of those packed ones because it wasn't the chewy goodness that i normally have at the japanese restaurants. but hey, i'm gonna get my bum down to raku at greenwood and they better have fantastic udon or bento sets.

michele lee! gloria jeans!!! gloria jeans!!!


friday, i got chased out of the house due to some... zodiac superstition at home. oh well. headed down to bugis to walk around. bought more beauty products. no more beauty product shopping for me until i actually finish some of them. after that, i returned to sch to meet soph, zhui, daphne and keith for sushi buffet at suki sushi, cineleisure.

the 5 of us ate until we were stuffed. started to find ways of hiding the rice so we didn't have to eat it. plus, it didn't really taste like the authetic short grain rice that i ate everyday in Japan. that was fatabulous rice. i'm gonna eat soooo much of it when i go back next year. but yes, the buffet.. tonnes of tuna and salmon sashimi, unagi sushi, soft shell crab, chawamushi, agedashi tofu, tempura prawn sushi, sake sushi, ice cream puffs..

service was soooo slow though! soph and i had ordered fruits but they were taking far too long. so we made a dash for it before they brought the fruits out. we were far too full anywayz. my second sushi buffet in two weeks. the first being at suki sushi in paradiz with jianxun, eve, daryl, cy and wanting.

i went home, took a shower and rested a bit before heading to ikea. i wanted to buy gingerbread dough. to my horror, the dough was sold out. so i settled for a bottle of non-alcoholic glogg for the peeps to try at this year's CF christmas party.

next stop was holland v to meet mich and yuda. ran into mich on the bus there so we walked around a bit before going to breko to wait for yuda. ordered a chocolate banana stacko (both mich and i were stuffed from our lunches) while yuda settled for pork chops. and the first alcohol of the night, yuda and i ordered a stella each.

pork is a tricky dish to cook. you need the meat to be tender but the outside to brown nicely. too much heat and you'll burn the outside. too little heat, the inside would be too cooked and ends up tough. so you need to vary the temp at different times. this is assuming that you take a normal piece of meat fillet and grill it or make pork chops. but i digress..

it was nice.. to sit there and chat with the two of them. esp when the tv above mich was showing soccer. you can imagine how distracted yuda and i were. we would be talking about one topic then suddenly, we'd bring in what the tv was showing. really felt like jc days when we would sit around, chat and occassionally talk abt soccer in between conversations.

after dinner, we went to wala wala. because it was only standing room in the music room, we went downstairs where there were seats while waiting for eic. i finished my two bottles of bud while mich entertained herself with her 2 25cl of hoegarden white. yuda had his two bottles of tiger and of course, we had to share food. a plate of 7 wings for $10. rather reasonably priced!

it was then i also realized that the lady forgot to check off an order of hoegarden on our receipt so we could claim another one. which we did. we are terrible people, no? ahaha. so we returned to the music room and stood for the entire first set. with aching feet, we returned downstairs to sit and had french fries while yuda finished his last bottle of beer. mich and i settled for a bottle of asahi as it was one-for-one for the entire night. a bit too dry for my liking but it reminded me of japan when i drunk it on a cold winter's night. fun!

stephen came along after a while to join the band for their last set. spoke to him briefly. it's strange to know that a member of a band is your HR partner, lives near you and shops with his wife at the ntuc. too lazy to move from our seats that was near the stairs, i could enjoy strains of more nostalgic songs like "Sunday Morning", "King of Wishful Thinking", "Two Princes" and "Electric Dreams".

it was just... swell to see mich and yuda again. i was content to just sit back and watch them talk abt their nus friends, once in a while injecting some opinions. at the end of the night, yuda declared that i was drunk. which i wasn't. i was just a little giddy due to lack of water and a bit too much alcohol in my system. i was sober enough to be pissed with the taxi uncle for taking a longer route even though i distinctively told him to take the shorter route once i told him my destination.

we need to do it more often. this kind of hanging out and chilling with one another, just enjoying the company. when i teased both mich and yuda just for the kick of it, mich turned the table and teased the both of us. and it just sent me reeling back to jc when i had to endure teasing about both of us. i don't know if yuda was subjected to the teasing back then or not but yes, i had to.

nevertheless, i want to be able to sit around with my dearies and just not worry about anything 'cept growing old. and just because mich told me not to cut my hair short, i'm not cutting it short. hee hee.

MICHELE ENG HUAY HUANG and CHEN SIDING! WHEN ARE WE GOING MAMBO?

won't you bring me my favorite flowers
of orchids and lilies clothed in white
won't you bring me smiles and laughter
or a bit of snow in a little jar
won't you also say for me a little prayer
when you visit my urn soon?


Please excuse me. its 9.30 am now and my AFA paper is at 2 pm. that's.. how many hours to my death? cannot calculate anymore. please classify me as insane and mentally unfit to take the paper soon.. please...

It's a Saturday morning.. was s'posed to wake at 8.15 am, go to the gym before heading to the lib for more mugging.

instead, i felt crummy. needed a break from the usual routine. slept until 9.30. woke up in time to see mommy before she left for her facial. my one-helluva week meant that i had minimal contact with my family. i half-wished that i had mommy's lifestyle of monthly facials and champagne brunches with old friends and her upcoming vatican trip. (her friend's a nun there.) but when i think abt the times i visited her in the office..

to see her complaining abt the work with aunty sha.. to look at the stacks of documents on her desk.. to notice the highlighted dates on her calendar... to stare at the amt of new mail and the red blinking light on her answering machine.. *hugs my AFA text for all it's worth* I DON'T WANNA GRADUATE!!

anyhoo, decided to stay home for the day. got the lazy strands of nice acoustics.. mellow rock and slow RnB for the weekend. wondering if i shld call Macs for dinner (hot fudge sundae and milkshake.. mmmmm...) or order that huge serving of take-away fish and chips which i'm gonna have trouble finishing from the bistro.. maybe i shld just go to Sebastians and have their warm chocolate cake as dinner.

and i really need to rest. the coughing gives me a headache after a while. i need to give the gym a break. i'll go on wed evening instead.

this stuvac is different. no jingting.. no jane.. the usual faces are far across the pacific ocean save stephanie. but i've got my dear brothers this term as well... really thankful for them all. we're all a bit hysterical but still, they make the studying just a bit more bearable with their little quirks.. loo loo and his toilet slippers.. bryan and his star jumps and push-ups.. dennis and his aching shoulder.. sam and his "public affair".. gabriel and his car.. hee hee.

aites.. need to meet mommy at the club for lunch now. maybe i shld try my luck and suggest Japanese. craving udon... craving udon so very much.

Safest Place to Hide
You have won me over with Your love
That grace and mercy from above
You gave me peace that no one can
The ultimate sacrifice, my passover lamb
And i'll hold to the truth that i find
Of the death for hearts so blind

You're my santuary, my closest friend
You're my living hope, my final end
You're the one i live for, with whom i confide
You are my safest place to hide

You took my troubles and gave me faith
By those nails, You declared me saved
You stretched out arms to broken souls
To become the only truth that I know
For every fall, You helped me up
Thru the storm, You calmed my heart

You're my Savior, my only King
You're the one i give thanks for everything
You're my Father, the one I've learnt to find
that You're the safest place to hide
*****

I don't normally post up my own works in this particular blog. but i realized that most people don't read my other one. which is good to a certain extent, i guess. but i just wanted to share this with all those stressed out over the exams.. esp my dear CFers. look to Him. really. just keep looking to Him. He's more than anything we can ask for.. more than anything we can ever find in this world. yet, He chose to love us first. take comfort in His love. He's all we will ever need for the rest of our lives.

not GPAs. not honours. not high-paying jobs.


they'll fade with time and come to nothingness at the end of the day.


they are not our goals in life. just like we would sing, "I could search for all eternity long and find that there is none like You."


just Him.

(btw, the idea of the song came from one of the same title by Backstreet Boys. it can be found on their latest album. if you ask nicely, i might lend you mine..)

i want to rant.. i need to rant...

i miss jing ting

i miss jane

i miss deborah

i miss ansen

i miss ford

i miss weicheng

i miss youwen


Come back!! all of you!! come back now!!

it's 8.25 in the morning and i've been in the lib since 7.45 am.. more than half an hour liao. i am entitled to rant and rave.

OK! BACK TO AFA AND TAX PLANNING!!

but it goes against the way i am
to put my human nature down
and let the Spirit take control of all i do
'cos when those trials come
my human nature shouts the things to do
and God's soft prompting can be easily ignored
- "And I thank you Lord"


don't ask me why. this chorus has been stuck in my head over the past few days. along with the chorus of In Christ Alone. i would love to credit the writers. but i don't know who they are..


in Christ alone, i place my trust
and find my glory in the power of the cross
in every victory let it be said of me
my source of strength, my source of hope
is Christ alone
- "In Christ Alone"


think circumstances over the past few days have made it tiring for me. especially with my insane medication that's woken me up over 5 times the other night and thankfully only once last night... and shaking fingers too.. haiz. what to do?

the songs just keep reminding me... not to rely on my own strength. 'cos i know i will falter and crash and burn. He's the one who's been keeping me strong.. keeping me going despite the situations i find myself in. the many times i feel like lashing out at people who annoy me or when they make me feel upset or uncomfortable, i look to Him for patience and find serenity in His mere existence.

thanking Him for the company when i study.. for the ability to cope with the stresses.. for the discipline in my time table...

hoping all my brothers and sisters in christ are doing fine too... praying for us all. =)

Some pics from "Dance: east and west" performance. i know. the girls are gorgeous.. ahahaha.. this is what the guys get from scoffing the class as a nonsense, no-point-wasting-time-on class. no pretty girls.. muahahahaha.

the Chinese Dance Group. got more ppl.. just the photos weren't very nice, as according to elgin.

the Malay dance group. one of the indian girls in that group is really really pretty! too bad there isn't a shot of her here.

The indian dance group. i really liked their costumes. it was just.. really.. really. elaborate and breath-taking. don't think i would have been able to carry it off anyway.

Us! the office ladies. heez. no pictures of elgin, our dear office guy. oh well. when the group picture comes out, i'll definitely post it up!

me and Da Ge in our respective outfits.

Dr Siri's sweet little daughter, Amara

Caren, our dance instructor.

she's a really lovely lady. got to chat with her and at least she realizes that i do take a serious interest in dance. once she got her hand on the program of art performances that were gonna be at the national museum, she came over and share them with me. i did want to catch "Loft". Now, i'm wondering if i wanna watch the opera performance by Joanne Wong as well.

So many things.. so little time and money. how how? anyhoo, here are some events i wanna catch. if you wanna watch them as well, drop me tag or comment or msg via msn. and we can get down to booking!

1. Late Nite @ Esplanade: Budak Pantai unplucked
- http://www.sistic.com.sg/cms/events/index.html?content=621
- $25
- Date: 29th Dec

2. Loft!
- http://www.nationalmuseum.sg/openingfestival/event_perf_loft.html
- Free admission
- Date: 30th or 31st Dec

3. Homemade, a Celebration of Singapore music
- http://www.nationalmuseum.sg/openingfestival/event_perf_homemade.html
- Free admission
- don't know which date to go for..

anyhoo.. can't make it for Joanne Wong's performance. will be away in Melbourne at that time. but if anyone's interested, go check it out here: http://www.nationalmuseum.sg/openingfestival/event_perf_operadivas.html

ok lah... need to study again. sighz..

finished the last of my classes. ok, not really. there's a tax planning workshop next tuesday. oh well. dance class was fantastic. we did it. it felt really good, being able to finish the dance with a flourish, knowing that i contributed my little part. makes me wanna start dancing again. perhaps i'll finally get down to learning salsa casino. ahaha. right.. salsa intermediate or latin jazz, anyone?

been eyeing my schedule from today onwards. getting a bit of a headache for real right now. think also due to lack of sleep. Events lined up for the rest of nov and dec...

20-26 Nov: StuVac (study vacation)
28-30 Nov: Exams!
5-8 Dec: SMUCF December Camp (can't wait!!!)
8-10 Dec: Cruise
16-21 Dec: Melbourne trip
23 Dec: Gym Party
28 Dec: SMUCF post-Christmas/pre-NY party
New Year's: Dim Sum buffet with the dearies back from exchange.

hm.. gaps ah... got. 1 - 4 Dec, 11 - 15 Dec, and after 21st Dec.. i think ahahaha.. wanna have a quiet little meal with the cell group as well. perhaps can do a lunch for them then invite the rest of the CFers over for movies. the long-waited movie marathon. heez. haven't cooked for friends since the summer hols. been wanting to make pasta, and i mean make pasta from scratch. it's the egg-in-a-well technique that i've never tried before. will have to see what i can come up with.

because i'm bored and refusing to study, i've even thought of the menu.

appetizers - cheesy sausage sticks with pasta sauce
mains - seafood parchment pasta
side - mint mashed peas (trust me. these are absolutely lovely. Give Peas a Chance!)
desserts - chocolate pie tart (with gooey chocolate goodness inside, tell me... how can u resist it?)

movie marathon snacks - mini cupcakes (with the lovely vanilla cream + rainbow rice, chocolate rice and what-have-you toppings)

subject to changes, naturally. it's just a tentative menu.. my dearest cgms.. what say you? forget the diets for a day. indulge. we'll all hit the gym after that.








and oh... SA5!! when are we having our next outing?

on Monday's papers, 13 Nov, in Youthlink, SMU was mentioned..

of course they had to. we are the SMUgger university that doesn't sleep. we embrace the humor in it without a doubt. but what made me terribly upset with the article was the issue of booking gsrs..

or rather, the issue of not booking gsrs.

i have reason to suspect that the characters in the article were merely figment of the writer's imagination. why? i know of friends who have stamped out annoying SMU students who booked alternate half-hours. what did my friends do? book the untaken half-hours and went into the gsr every half hour to chase them out. my friends simply waged war.

my friends meant it. they had blocked booked that particular gsrs all the time.. by full slots. no one bothered abt saving that half-hour. it was a matter of integrity. sure, not quite the smartest thing 'cos you give up that half-hour. but think abt it. it's a selfish, conceited and calculative method to save half an hour each time for future use. doesn't opportunity cost mean anything? doesn't fair play mean anything?

so when the jnrs decided to play dirty with their "alternate half-hour bookings", my friends fought back. they won the gsr back eventually, with the jnrs calling them childish thru a string of very angry emails started by the jnrs. pot calling kettle black? at least my friends weren't cheating others.

i went to the facility booking browser. true enough, no one was doing "alternate half-hour bookings". instead, they would book for 1.5 - 2 hrs, leave half an hour inbetween and book another 1.5-2 hrs in that particular gsr. it's seriously bleeping annoying. i really shld be doing my reports but this issue just infuriated me soooo much that i had to let it all out.

what happened to the SMU that i knew and *heart* so much? it's probably the only thing making me glad that i'm leaving.. yet sad at the same time... knowing that my batch is likely the last of pioneer students who spoke of integrity and fair-dealing with coming to petty issues like booking of gsrs and what-not. now, we've given into the depravity of man.. conniving little buggers. argh!!! what's SMU coming to?

if your excuse is that, "we only do it once or twice," then what's the cost to you? 0.5-1 hr? does it really matter? do these things translate to anything gain at the end of the term? why play dirty? perhaps i'm making a mountain out of a molehill. but it saddens me to see the warm cosy SMU i knew turn into some place manipulative because of.. well.. fresh blood. it's not as though the credits can be carried forward for future use. what's the point, right? morons.

now the rest of Singapore's gonna wonder abt the future when these idiots go out into the working world.. saving on tiny stuff that don't matter. one two words. damn scrooges













sooooo tempted now.. to book all the half hour slots between booking from people who do that "save half-hour" crap. just to teach them a lesson. damn buggers.

everything just feels so surreal right now.. kind of a floaty feeling as i sit in front of my laptop and try to return back to a different kind of reality.

the entire weekend at the Singapore River Regatta.. the morning trips to the mrt toilet.. waiting at raffles place mrt... our location just outside UOB plaza near to ngee ann poly, scf, nus, ntu and sim.. my two eye candies (who are attached).. trying to study.. talking to the team.. eating with the team.. laughing and crying with them.. the euphoria at coming in third place.. knowing that the first and our team were all within a second.. new personal best for the girls' boat.. the disappointment at the mixed semis when we missed by half a second to qualify for the finals..

the two days of a whole host of emotions and memories with the team felt so much longer. and it feels as though it was all a dream. but i value all the memories.. of just being able to sit around and crap. like how ben and i just people-watched together instead of studying.. making sandwiches with the girls.. macs with sophie when i really had no appetite.

right now, i'm just soooo drained. aching.. sleepy.. no appetite.. wondering if all that really happened. i'm just re-reading Roy's email over and over again, trying to convince myself that i'm not dreaming.

Now that everything's ended and we have proudly brought home our first medal, I will like to congratulate every single one of you for being winners not just on the races but also in life. To me, medals are merely cheap pieces of alloys, but it’s the fighting spirit and pride behind the winning process, the process of achieving the cause as A-TEAM, the journey from a rookie that everyone sneer at, to a fierce fighter that every competitor fear, frown upon and respect.

thank you so much, Roy, for being there for the team all this while.. for your endless support and trust in us when no one else thought that we could make it.

just soo many people to thank. to the team who made all these memories. to mr sng for being so patient with us, allowing us to see the results of our hardwork and not giving up on us. to God, who saw me through the tiring weekend, aches, tears and whatnots. i really give thanks for it all.

on saturday morning, Joan asked us what we wanted out of competition. we stood in one circle and said that we were going to come in first. we didn't. that doesn't matter to me. because before my first race, i muttered a little prayer while my left forearm was on the verge of cramping up. (thankiew esther dear, for being so supportive when it did cramp up just before the mixed heats)

i prayed that no matter what the results, i didn't want to regret all i'd done. looking back.. all the hard work that went into the preparation of the race. we worked too *bleeping* hard for me to be able to look back and regret all that now even if the girls came back medal-less. our opponents were strong. we can be stronger. we just gotta keep working at it.

thank you, team SMU. keep on fighting.

From:
Sent: Thursday, November 09, 2006 3:18 PM
To: SMU Students
Cc: SMU_Faculty_Admin
Subject: GOOD NEWS! LI KA SHING LIBRARY OPENS 24x7 for EXAM PERIOD

*****
congratulations SMU, you have the honor of being named the university of chao SMUgger toads. scarily enough, my first thought upon seeing the email was

"FINALLY!"

i *heart* Smoo.. we're strange ppl.. but we *heart* the place. so much that we can't seem to leave the building.
*****

Welcome to SMU, the university that never sleeps.

Things that make me smile
- sour ribbons, sour skittles and volles rohr saurer apfel!
- rose or chamomile tea
- a good fantasy book
- smell of lavander from my incense burner
- clay aiken on repeat mode

Moments that make me smile
- sitting by the pond at botanic gardens alone, writing down random thoughts that come to mind
- sitting in a pub with a warm orange glow ambience, good chill out music, good beer and good company
- having alexis grab my finger with a gurgle of a laugh before trying to eat it
- when alexis gurgles when i tease her
- when alexis gurgles when i lie down next to her and smile at her
- basically when i know i make alexis happy just by being with her
- to rest in the warmth of the arms of someone who loves me and i love back

Wasn't in a good mood.. after witnessing a ugly verbal fight at the bus stop on the way home last night. was shaking on the bus. derno if it's the trauma or the disppointment or the anger at the depravity of humans. but honestly, if i'm a bit emotion and high-strung/mellow/confused for the night, it's just.. i derno. thinking of things that make me happy. things just make me smile. i want my clay aiken.

I feel like I never measure up to who you see
Sometimes I think I can't give you all the love you need
You keep changing everyday
Amazing me in everyway.

If I could be the perfect man in your eyes
I would give all I'm worth to be a part of your life
I could promise the world but it's out of my hands
I can only give you everything I have

I never dreamed I could ever feel the way I do
I hope and pray I will always be enough for you
I can only do my best
I have to trust you with the rest

If I could be the perfect man in your eyes
I would give all I'm worth to be a part of your life
I could promise the world but it's out of my hands
I can only give you everything I have

I promise I will hold you through the changes and fears
When life seems unclear
And when I can't be right there with you
I know there's angels by your side

If I could be the perfect man in your eyes
I would give all I'm worth to be a part of your life
I could promise the world but it's out of my hands
I can only give you everything I have
- Clay Aiken "Everything I Have"

think most ppl know how much i like his voice. I remember being stuck in the old campus, one of the gsr in accountancy, doing Corp Reporting project in the still of the night. and serah, in her tiredness, declared, "i'm dedicating this song to Jun!" then she played "The Way" on her laptop.

FOR ME!!!!

i lurve that girl. then there was once Jt and i heard it the song in a store. we purposefully lingered until the song ended. yes, we are hopeless. now "everything i have" is on repeat mode. i want my own clay aiken..

sunday... was raining for a while.

'twas a nice feeling.. just eating cola candy and drinking hot green tea while staring blankly at my AFA. trying to get my dad to go to the supermarket. i wanna grab a trolley and tear down the candy and snacks aisle.. all the candies that i used to eat all the time..

blackcurrant pastiles.. lime hacks.. jelly tots.. sour ribbons.. twirl.. kinder bueno.. kit kat chunky.. nerds.. gobstoppers.. sour apple ribbons.. pretzels.. Calbee hot and spicy.. Lays BBQ..

i don't need a visit to the supermarket. i need a visit at candy empire again. time to stock up once more.

not on candy.. but stock up on things that used to make my day. ('cept ice cream. too much at home.)

it's just... perhaps i don't wanna grow up 'cos i still find comfort in that enigmatic calming effect of feeling like a kid. it's just that giddy euphoria i get from standing in front of the many rows of candy.. or that wild uncontainable happiness when i'm grabbing soft toys off the shelves in toys'r'us..


perhaps i'll never really grow up.. but i don't want to.


anyhoo, pretty happy with my current set of playlist to see me through when i'm studying.. a whole host of songs to sing along to.. Jars of Clay.. The Calling.. Our Lady Peace.. Lifehouse.. and Dishwalla. one of the two CDs that i wanna get my hands on. Dishwalla. the other being MCR. I only have one of Dishwalla's songs, "Angels and Devils" from a friend. they're pretty ok. by chance, i came across the lyrics of another of their songs, "Healing Star"

Let me be your healing star
Let me take you far from there
And take you anywhere

so many things i wanna do.. go candy empire.. go toys'r'us.. watch deathnote.. buy CDs.. where to find the time?

oh.. what are the chances of me having a hairline crack at my ankle after i smashed it against the footrest of the shoulder-press chair in the gym? damn painful...

training was tmd siong. seriously. i went to bed aching. i woke up aching. i swear, i was ready to throw up after my second last set of suicides. how i managed to get by the last one without collapsing still remains a pure mystery. got a headache after training.. went to bed with a headache.. still got a heavy head now. and aching too..

i know it sounds masochistic of me but honestly, i'm glad i'm feeling this way. i've managed to pushed myself. power training is seriously no joke. oh. did i mention that my bench press is up from 9 kg aside last week to 10 kg aside this week? i'm closer to my goal of benching 15 kg aside. it doesn't count that i can do 25 kg bar. BEC-ers, you shld know that..

please girls, don't let this scare you. bryan will go on and on abt how i shld not be doing manly push-ups. by the way, they are not called manly-push-ups. they are just called push-ups. when you put your knees down, they are not called womanly push-ups. they are just called assisted push-ups. Bryan, stop scaring everyone!

and girls, dragonboating does not make u a man, damnit! instead, you feel good about yourself. i'm not talking abt the ability to look in the mirror and go, "hey! i've got toned arms!" it's the ability to look at your own reflection in the mirror and go, "i pushed myself today. i struggled, i fought and i survived."

Girls Team: We are not men. We are girls. What makes us different? We are fighters.

we've all showed it in our lives. i remember the night of sharing during the DB camp, we all had similar stories.. about meeting with adversity.. and coping with it in our unique little ways that have brought about that little fighter in us.

we fight. and we'll continue fighting. just like my christian walk. i'll keep fighting to stick to what i fervantly believe in.

but with the pushing from ah zhui during training.. guess we aren't fighting as much as we shld be. 23 more days to push ourselves more and more. fine. we might puke. we were mad enough to join dboat to begin with. ahahahahaha

In the day after AFA class, jos and i decided to head for bubble tea as a breaktime snack. on our way back, we sat under the tree at campus green with ben, fel and esther. it was nice to just sit and sing songs. before we knew it, we were talking about Sunday School songs.

i've never been to Sunday School but back in my kindergarden (which is now known as the tiny kindergarden housed by newton life church.. the church wasn't even there when the sch was!!), we were taught songs to sing along too. the typical stuff like, "He's got the whole world", "Deep down in my heart", "Rising of the sun", "Because He Lives".. all the action songs.

then in MGS, chapel wld have action-songs once in a while just 'cos it was fun. i was in a class of GB girls so they taught us little dances as they strummed in class and we sang along. it's just such an integral part of my christian life.. being able to sit around with people and sing christian songs. it wasn't a closed-eyes-raised-hands experience for me in mgs. it was a i'm-glad-you're-here-next-to-me-singing type of feel. where even if i closed my eyes, the girls wld have linked arms and wld be swaying together.

i'm feeling like a kid now.. don't ask me why. just really miss those days of being able to sing my worries away.. the simple thrill i got out of things like dancing in the rain and letting it wash my troubles away... i still like singing.. i still like dancing in the rain. but it doesn't feel the same anymore.

but whatever it is.. i'll just keep on singing and dancing..

Give me oil in my lamp
Keep me burning, burning, burning
Give me oil in my lamp
I pray, i pray
Give me oil in my lamp
Keep me burning, burning, burning
Keep me burning 'til the break of day

and i'll keep on going.. keep on praying.. not for myself. but for Him. =)

**********

Would you light my candle?

up to 20,000 children appear in pornographic images online everyday

There are more than 100,000 child pornography sites on the internet

19% of paedophiles have images of children 3 years and below

similar to one.org, these people are not asking for ur money. heck, they aren't even asking for your name or email or any other details. they are asking for your voice. it doesn't make sense for a person to light more than one candle. 'cos it gives others a reason to not be aware of this issue just because we've hit the numbers. it's not how many candles that we light.

it's how many people we create that awareness in.




Have you lit your candle yet?

http://www.lightamillioncandles.com

interesting stuff...

anyone heard abt the Yale student, Aleksey Vayner, who decided to screw his life up? He created his own company and charity. and oh yes. he also "wrote" and "published" a book on women during the Holocaust?

anyhoo, the company's fake. the charity is a spin-off from a real one. the book? snippets copied from other sources. and the best part is that Vayner decided to create 3 hoax websites in case his future employers decide to do a background check. whatever the case, the lovely people at UBS (the company that he sent his resume to) decided to circulate it in the company. somehow, now a number of companies on wallstreet are enjoying some valuable rest time by laughing at vayner's expense.

how far would you go to impress your future employers? i take heart that God needs no impressing. He has already accepted me.

whatever the case, this nut managed to get youtube.com to remove his video from their website. yes. video. he made an inspiration video for his interviews. (i did mention that he's a nutter) Impossible is nothing. ooogay. whatever you say, vayner..

anywayz, don't fret. the ivy league have put it up on their blog!

check it out here: http://www.ivygateblog.com/blog/2006/10/calling_aleksey_vayners_bluff.html#comments

aren't they absolute darlings? you have got to love them. but it's a wake-up call to us right? how's that, uni students? remember, don't lie in your resumes. if you do, better pray that it doesn't circulate in the CBD, making you Vayner of Singapore (VOS). hey, that's catchy. =)

if anything, things are looking interesting for Vayner. seems that Mr "impossible is nothing" has sent a "cease and disist" letter to the IvyGate. not that it was original to begin with. this guy is hopeless. well, the ivy league blog is more than enough to entertain those stuck at home this weekend.

but using slander as a claim? i wonder how vayner will fight this out. how abt ivygate? groundless threats? it wasn't slander to begin with. libel perhaps. Mr Yale should get his terms right if he plans to blow the entire thing out of proportion. i'm absolutely chaffed. this will be interesting to follow while it plays out.

P.S: if ivy league is made to remove the video due to the *ahem* "cease and disist" from Vayner, ask me. i'll describe the hilarity to you.

P.P.S: seems like vayner was the butt of the yale joke when he was a freshman back in 2002. read page 12 of http://www.yale.edu/rumpus/archives/pdf/rumpus_may02.pdf

who ever said those stubble uppers don't have a sense of humor? i'm thrilled.

Somebody up there loves me

Friday 13th ain't all that bad that ppl make it out to be.

naturally, i was annoyed abt the fact that i had to return to school for a day of meetings. it wasn't back to back anymore. ipr meeting was postponed to mon so just two meetings with 3 hours in between. the meetings went ok, i think. more deadlines to push us.. think i've gotten that momentum back finally.

with the 3 hours to spare, i headed to the gym for a good workout. coughing a bit now but hey, i'm on the road to recovery finally. just hope to get a better sleep tonight. my throat kept me up for a really long time before i finally dozed off.

but i have to admit, wgt training was fantastic. i actually increased my weights! CJ thought it was a bit weird 'cos when people are sick, they don't normally increase but decrease it. me? i increased it. ahahaha. CJ was a spotter like no one i've ever met. he was nearby to watch me but never helped. forced me to push beyond my limits. thanks bro. and erm.. ahaha yy can vouch for my certain highness. (yy: is it my fault that he's terribly hot yet terribly gay at the same time? even you think he's cute.)

after tax planning meeting, i headed to the supermecado (si. me hablo un poco espanol. no muy mal pero no bien. mi espanol es mas o meno). bought myself some pescado for dinner. that's when i realized why ppl felt today was unlucky.

the computer system was down, thus causing the pricing system to be down. in the entire supermarket. many people got so frustrated that they left with their trolleys in the way. it was terrible. the poor staff had to run around and return the perishable goods into the cooler areas. ppl were annoyed and the staff had to tolerated them. i felt so sorry for the staff.. the ppl in my queue paid for what they cld pay for and stormed off, leaving the counter lady to run around and return them.

yet when it came to the guy just in front of me, the system returned..to only our queue. the guy had been very patient and tried to make the flustered counter lady calm down. meanwhile, the other queues were clearly agitated and the poor counter staff had to tolerate ranting housewives. when i paid for my items, i tried to calm the poor lady down as well. she really didn't deserve it. the staff was helpless.. if anything, fault shld be pinned on the system for not having a back-up, not the staff.

if i had to complain abt anything, it would be standard of the english of the annoucements. i cringed and mentally blocked it out of my mind. sighz. what to do... =p

perhaps i'm not so tough after all...

after training in the haze on saturday, i headed down to the chinese garden when some of the cfers. didn't see much from the top of the pagoda this year. stupid haze. to give ya a lowdown, i trained when the haze was abt 130 on the PSI.. and was walking around when it was 150 before going for beer. sooooooo....

i was left pretty sick on sunday. holding back the dry cough, i was chugging down all sorts of nonsense. ginseng tea, hot tea with honey, herbal cooling tea.. i kept waking up in the middle of the night to drink water 'cos i would choke on the dryness of my throat. so.. not exactly the kind of sleep that would allow me to get better.

yday, i wasn't any better. so i got my bum down to the doc's after sophie let me in on the fact that we now no longer have to pay for the school one. the last time i went to the doctor in school, i had to pay upfront and claim for it through OSL. i stayed away from it. don't know when they finally changed it but yea.

finally armed with my medication and slightly high abt hitting the waters again, i went down for training, minus the crazy sprints. training was good. i got to row on the left waway. and i felt fantastic, as though my entire system was cleared out. i wasn't coughing or sneezing..

then this morning, i felt like total crap.

i wasn't aching very badly. just the normal aches. but my throat felt lumpy. yay. swollen tonsils despite the fact that i took my medication the night before. i'm still hiding the fact that i'm on medication from my mom. she'd chew me up and spit me out if she found out. my nose was on a dripfest. taking my medication, i went for the equipping workshop a little too groggy for my liking.

was photographer for the rest of the day at sentosa. can't say i had a sucky time but i wished i could have had more fun. felt like a party pooper at the end of the day 'cos i just got sooo drained. too much vitamin K ain't good for sick babies, esp when it's two days in a row. *suck thumb* i finally decided not to stay out too late and left with bryan and his gf instead of joining the rest for dinner as i had planned. she lives near me so i got a free ride home. (thankiew bryan!)

btw, Sam's a total sweetheart. i had to write this 'cos even though we haven't had a chance to hang out much today or as a matter of fact, the entire term, he just smsed me and told me to take care of myself. you have gotta lurve brothers like that. thankiew, ah bang!

here are some pictures...

Lantern Festival 2006

pretty maids in a row...

fel and me!

have you met my da ge? he wants to meet you if you're a hot single christian girl. ahahaha. kidding, josh.

Funday 06/07 Term 1

songs before the activities today kicked off

now i lay me down to sleep

zaixiang after a run-in with a water-happy felicia

a very color-coordinated eugene

hunchback of CF!

have you met my pregnant CGL? (don't even ask..)

does good service equate to casual flirting with the customers?

i've had my share of fantastic service. Robinsons dude running up and down to find me the best pillow due to my neck problem. NUM guys being amazingly helpful in helping me find tees for a friend's birthday..

but there's a new batch of people with a different definition of good service.. they honestly.. flirt.

don't ask me why... they say silly stuff like "you soo pretty" *puke*

advice to the service staff of singapore.. be nice!! not buaya!! it's very annoying, honestly. i laugh it off and humor them. but please don't. it's not called for professionally. perhaps it's 'cos i'm small and thus, they think it's ok? i don't think so..

enough of ranting choong siang is relegating me to the back of the counter with his "gym staff-gym trainer" argument. annoying... =p

don't know what to do next. i'm tired..

i shldn't be thinking abt nonsense like that during the term time. does nothing but distract me at this time. some issues confuse me.. some irritate and annoy me.. some make me upset. i shld be studying, damnit!

do i want to know the truth all the time? fine, gospel truth i will always wanna know. but truth abt all the other stuff that's been hounding me? i don't know. i want to be relieved to know that i've been wrong about it all the time.

as for the two of you, i'm sorry. i just don't know what to think at this point of time. i don't even want to think abt it until i'm safely in oz without your presence. pray for me, that i'll resolve it by the time i get back.

anyhoo, i'm in a christmas mood. don't asked me why. wishing that i had snow to look forward to.. making snow angels and tiny snowmen.. sipping warm chocolate at a cosy fireplace corner.. yes, i'm thinking about Grand Canyon during winter again. i miss that place. sure, it was a snowing so hard that i was unable to really enjoy the grand canyon as i would have been able to in the summer.

but i just wanna go shopping for that white christmas tree... pretty christmas ornaments.. singing christmas carols.. christmas shopping.. spending time with those who mean a lot to me.. giving thanks for the reminder of the birth of my Lord (note: i said "reminder of the birth" and not "birthday").. and knowing that jingting will be back then makes me long for it even more.

that's it.. i need a trip down to toys'r'us.. badly.

Where are you, Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know?
I'm not the same one
See what time's done
Is that why you have let me go

*****
to my sick babies, please take care.. esp my dear dragonboaters. drink plenty of water. if you have a sore throat, drink herbal tea and water and hot lemon tea with honey.. got cold don't blow ur nose off. take ur medication and sleep! come back and train with us soon. for now, we'll train for you. *muacks*

i thought it was bad when my friends were matchmaking me or teasing me with guys..

now my family's into it.

my dearest sisters found a photo in the stack that we recently developed of me and a guy friend. they promptly took it to my grandma who now thinks i'm attached. of course i called her up and rectified the issue. maybe it's a ploy to get me to talk my granny abt such issues.. i don't really like the bgr talks that i have with her 'cos she's getting a bit too worried abt me being single..

i don't understand the two morons. i love them.. i really do.. but don't get me into nonsensical trouble like that.. esp when that friend is attached already! *bleepity bleeping bleep* man.. speaking of guys.. i met rhys just now. it was nice to see a familiar face after so long. kinda like how it was when i met lem after losing contact once we left acjc.. just.. bittersweet nostalgia

don't feel too good now. think i ate too much for dinner esp with my current state. got a consistent slight cough while my nose goes crazy on me once in a while. rowed on the left today during training. it felt good to return to the left after so long though it also meant that i had to relearn the strokes on my left now. challenging but Mr Sng was really precise and clear when i approached him for more help after training.

when i rowed, all i could think of was my guiding arm.. my back when joan reminded me.. twisting more.. bending the pulling arm.. full blade in water.. vertical entry..

and once Zhui shouts "Easy" after each 1 min set, the first thought that enters my heard is "Shit.. AFA.." tiredness and stress don't agree with me. i got so frustrated with my wandering mind cos i knew that i was to reflect on my pulling and transfer. so whenever i rowed, i really tried to get myself so tired that i would only think abt recovering in time for the next set. during bathtime, i couldn't really stand straight in the showers. was shaking a little and my actions felt slow and deliberate as the hands were slowly loosening up after cramping up. my back's a little stiff right now.

sorry, joan! you had to keep correcting me just now. i'm really trying my best to relax my back more.. but i still freeze up when i don't think abt my back and worry about my guiding hand. will take note of it next training all the way up to June Fest next year!

back to my current basketcase state. my fingers are still shaking. feeling giddy plus i nearly threw up my dinner just now. still feel like throwing up a little and i still have AMA and AFA to do. happy happy joy joy. i'm ok with the workload. just not in my current physical and mental state where i really wonder if i'm headed for that crash and burn state.

i miss both my sunshine boy and happy nut now..

****
When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can't face the day

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

And there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breath again

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone
- Savage Garden (Crash and Burn)

ministry settled for the next two years after graduation.. i think. At supper after bible study on Thursday, 28th Sept 2006, over ice kachang, i gave James my word to continue returning to SMUCF.. to be equipped and to equip. for the next two years... yupe.

SMUCF hasn't seen the last of me. (and i thought i could run away to overseas where no one knows me)

let's just say that i want to be that senior to the juniors just as my seniors were to me. don't know if they remember it all. but i remember snippets of stuff that they told me.

vic telling me not to kill myself by pulling a one-man-show.. liyang and i talking on msn and having that one lunch together to really just share.. desmond doing a 1 hr "Kingdom of God in the Bible" with me and Ben at my first ABR on the first night at 12 am. or thereabout.. the walks back home with fred where he forced me to think critically abt ministry and my life.. the solo bible studies with baoyi where i was scared stiff (and apparantly she freaked out as well).. the Two-Ways-To-Live with Kelly, Bok and Bao.. the bus rides home with GH and JC where GH confused me for bulk of the time but when you really understand what he's trying to bring across, you just pretty much get slapped when you realize that you're not doing what you should be..

i don't remember crying to anyone of them in particular though.. hm.. only mich lee who's been there for me when i beat myself up just because of moments where i feel "lonely" and upset that i'm not content with God. oh. she also saw me thru in my first year as an exco member crying in the toilet 'cos i wasn't really assured of being a Child of God. Yes, my dear 2004/05 exco, i was struggling a lot then. Dave should know. he was nagging at me alllllll the time. but thanks for all that, bro...

just.. so many memories resurfacing. think it's the nostalgia bit in me when i realize that i'm gonna graduate soon. not really ready to leave behind this ministry as much as i would love to leave Singapore to just experience the world and grow more in Him.

to be brutally honest, i struggled with being a christian for the longest time. december 2004 to july 2005. and i was an exco member then. can you imagine the fear and panic that i was trying to suppress? the many times i cried 'cos i was just so uncertain of where i was headed for: destruction or really that certainty of hope at the end of the day. i remember sitting by the evans road with Ford on the last night of dec camp 2004, just crying. (yes, i'm dead emotional. got a prob with that?)

Ford was amazing. he didn't say a word. i was ranting for most part of it. when my tears finally dried, he spoke. i can't remember most part of what he said to me that night but i still have the encouragement note he wrote to me:

It is always great to have you around as a friend and a sister in Christ. Thank you and others for always encouraging me and (bringing) me towards Christ... ...but talking to you really made me become more motivated. i really hope that you feel the same way. the road towards Christ is treacherous and tideous... ...True faith is the only way towards salvation. always think of ways to brighten up your Christian faith and life by always looing at the lovely side of things and not be so pesimisstic towards life. hee hee. cheer up!

and you wonder why i miss that dude so much.. SA had taken a dear brother away from me... can't wait for him to return from exchange.

but i digress.. i've written so much.. just to bring about the idea that the platform that God has given the Christians in SMU through SMUCF has been one heck of a journey for me. i've grown so much.. and now.. all i really wanna do is give it all back.. to served others as much or even more than how others have served me during their time of partnership in this ministry.

keep me accountable and in all of your prayers, aites? Lemme serve as much as or even more than those before me.

the day started out gloomy right from the time i awoke.

not feeling too well. got a slight cough and was sneezing madly this morning. worried abt tax planning and afa. heck, i'm not worried abt my grades. just worried about my dad getting pissed at me graduating with minimal honors or none at all. i'm not made for accounting. and once again, i questioned my choice to come to SMU. ya know what? i didn't really have a choice. it was either accounting in SMU or accounting in NTU. i'd end up either a SMUgger or NUTter anyway. just can't get the basic concept. seriously pissed with myself.

and my right shoulder is aching from training. not in an injured way. in a tired way. want a massage. basically, a terribly grumpy stoned out morning for me.

then i met you. and we talked. or rather i talked and you listened.

and i'm fervantly thanking God for everything that's lead up to today.

'cos of the uncanny way you make things better just because you are around.













PS: if you think it's you, it's not. i'm not saying who.. ahahahaha

PPS: It's just a very very very dear friend whom i'm not in love with. so jeri ong, you can stop thinking of ways to suan me.

terribly warm day but don't feel like eating ice cream.. i want.. i want.. my rhumba frappe..

had fun at eve's party last night. got to talk and chill with the girls. i lurve them all, honestly. at the end of it, ben sent yc and me home.

in the car, we just played his CD and sang along really loudly.. whether out of tune or the guys adding their own little erm.. "uniqueness" to the song. reminded me of the time bryan and i were singing along to the disney CD on top of our voices in the front seat while fred moaned about his headache in the backseat. you have gotta adore these guys. it's the little things that make me smile and love them even more despite how they manage to antagonize me in school time after time.

anyhoo, it's off to melbourne and sydney for me this december. *fingers crossed* the last time we tried to book a trip there, it was full. we ended up in the surreal winter wonderland of Japan. just thinking of the memories at asakusa, komatsu, shirakaba-go, tateshima, tokyo.. esp the magnificent dinner buffet spread followed by the soak in the hot spring while it was -15 C at night when we stayed ikenotaira at tateshima.. or even the ferris wheel that night at odaiba (biggest in asia!). as much as i'm afraid of heights, i seem to find myself on ferris wheels. the second biggest in asia is the ferris wheel at miramir in taipei. and yes, i've been on that one too.

but it's the sunny oz again. can't remember the last time i went to oz. think i was 14 and it was at perth. gosh. i miss perth terribly. the laidback charming feel of the place comes rushing back as i remember the time in the park surrounded by white swans.

so this time, i'm going back to oz. after 8 years. armed with a better camera and my 1 gb memory card. hope this time, it'll work out and i'll get some time away from Singapore and my friends. as much as i love them, i enjoy times of just one week or slightly more away from them. to get away from that giddy rush of being around them to take a breather. and reflect on the bonds forged in the past year. esp to my dear new friends. and get my thoughts sorted out on two very special friends.


(you two don't know how much you really mean to me. and honestly, neither do i. i need to sort this out with myself first with regards to you both. now's just not the time.)


Christmas party at the end of the year too. thinking of having it on the 30th of Dec. it's a sat. the usual post-christmas-pre-new-year party. CFers, anyone got a house to spare? or a function room at a more central condo? (Simei a bit far arh, eve..) if not, i'll have to think of a way to get my house for all of us. sticky issues at home with regards to christmas lah. you guys shld know. heez.

Current List of My Life

so many things that i want to do..
- really grasp the stooooopid concept of conso
- drop my accounting degree and take up a law one now (please mummy? please?)
- shop with no credit limit on someone else's card (oooh rich bf... where are u...)
- go to Japan now
- watch "Carmen"
- watch "Banquet" (daniel wuuuuuuu~)
- get my hands on the sony ericsson 800i
- buy that pair of extra running shoes (and i haaaate running.. but it keeps me fit..)
- eat dreyers "chocolate cake". despite the fact that i have one full tub of dark choc gelato screaming at me from the fridge.
- stock up on my CD collection (the new jay chou one.. and take that's dvd.. and justin timberlake's... and christina aguilera's.. and fall out boy.. and new found glory.. and.. erm.. a new CD tower. ahahaha)
- be a tai tai. as if that hasn't been obvious enough...



so many things that i hope to do
- have a fantastic time with mich, siding and py at chinese garden
- have a fantastic time with fel (and any other interested cfer) at chinese garden
- give evelyn a fantastic 21st birthday experience
- complete the "encounter" jigsaw puzzle and frame it up
- win that damn medal at Regatta even though i'll look back in a year's time and give thanks for the memories of the team instead
- dance in the rain. haven't done that in a really long time...
- fall in love one day. hey. i'll take that chance if God brings him along..


isn't it obvious? i'm officially stressed. which is why instead of studying, i'm doing nonsense like blogging. argh. i need to stop procrastinating and get back to work. 2 law reports to churn out by thursday. kinda reminds me of last sem where my weekends were devoted to reading up for my law classes. gosh. those days were fun. and now, i'm stuck trying to work out conso journal entries or trying to figure out the terrible literature of the income tax act (noooo bleeping full stop man..) . give me Lord Denning or Lord Hoffman any day.. argh. but so much for the first two list.. the last one is the most important..



the one thing that i will do
- be addicted to You

i nearly got a heart attack. and i declare my love for tonight is thomasz kuszczak. for that fab save against gilberto's penalty. badly aimmed on gilberto's part.. but a heart-stopper for me.

arsenal and man utd matches always get me riled up. and it's just that adrenaline. best of all, i have ronaldo entertaining me. like how he kicked the ball into lehman's face. i just burst out laughing.. not s'posed to be funny. but i just cracked up.

anyhoo, i went for the run. initially wanted to go 5 km. but with the drizzle, i decided to cut short to a 4 km run. felt good to finish it off with striding up the damn slope at my place. i never ended off the run that way before and it was just fantastic.

and that's it.. no more baileys for my dad. he's reached the pinacle of my threshold with regards to flatulent pong. it seriously diffused all the way to the second floor (no current witness at third floor to scream complains) and all he did was smiled at me.

"Irish Cream"

irish cream, my ass. just 'cos i've suddenly developed an adversion to alcohol, save beer, he drinks the baileys for excuses to leave his aromatic trail behind. Gawd...

gave water training a miss yday 'cos of my back.. which was good anywayz. got hit by cramps at noon. was pretty grouchy 'cos my lower back was achy for the rest of the day. so decided to run today.. i haven't gone for a long run since... week 3 of sch? supposed to go run at 5.30.

5 pm, it starts to pour. blasted rain. i'm hoping it ends by 5.30.

5.20 pm and it stops. i ask fred if i'd be testing the limit of the weather. he says yes and that he's gonna make use of it to go to HV (rain = more parking spaces) for a dinner and haircut. i get a bit pissy.

5.27 pm. blasted rain starts again.

5.55 pm. i go into rain, stare at the sky and scold it.

5.57 pm. mom tells me to run around the house. i throw a mini-tantrum and glare at the rain.

6.09 pm. the rain's stopped just as i start to blog. fine.. i'm going to run now... it better not rain when i'm running.. or i'd be really pissed for the rest of the day.. see an email from a friend "Never frown when you're down, you never know who's falling in love with your smile..." *forced smile*


sighz.

random morning thoughts

i'm not a freaking morning person.. i'm sorry, i'm not.


i don't get grouchy. i'm just.. a little more blur than ever.

so this morning, as usual, mommy dropped me off at sch a little too early for class. so i went to the gym. yy was kind enough to let me take a nap in the corner near the cupboards. a short while later, cj came along. at that time, i was resting on my lappie. he promptly produced a sleeping bag for me to use as a pillow. made the morning a little more bearable for me.

after that, i went to get breakfast before class.. and thought i saw a friend. i kinda stared a little too long, wondering if it was really my friend or not. the guy then smiled. i smiled back. then realized he's not my friend. shit. i'm damn blur. at least i'm seen as friendly.. i hope.

after that, i kinda just kept my gaze undirected and unmoving.. no eye contact means no more mistakes. yes, i'm dead blur in the morning.

the level 4 water cooler has a high projectile jet. sorry to bring up physics terms. just cldn't think of another way to describe it. but anywayz, it reminds me of that scene in Great Expectations. where pip is drinking from the water cooler. then estella comes over and drinks from the same jet of water, allowing their lips to meet. my thoughts aren't terribly coherent in the morning..

Oh! in my post on musicals and perception, i mentioned that would like to watch carmen. and guess what! it's coming to singapore!

ok.. quick background on the story. it talks abt a gypsy lady, Carmen. She dances and seduces her way out of prison and into the hearts of men, ultimately leading to her downfall when one of them allows love to drive him quite mad and kills her when she doesn't love him back.

Anyone wanna watch? (details, click here) lemme know!!

my new gym schedule is up for until nov. my dear friends, if you wanna visit me in the gym (oh please do please do please do), lemme know then i'll tell u my gym schedule. and oh! call me before that too. just in case i'm hungry. heez.

middle of week 4..

and i'm dead tired already. by about 12 midnight, i'm lethargic, a far cry from the usual me who'd still have the stamina to continue my readings or msning until 2 in the morning. perhaps i'm really older. 22 already. but at times, i feel like i'm still 19, finally discovering the world for myself and learning a little more each day. i don't know..

still remember running around toys'r'us with henry that year.. i was christmas shopping. the dear boy (whom i'm missing sooo much) came along after we bought his goggles at queensway. it was the most fun outing to toys'r'us ever for me. for once, no one was pulling toys out of my hands and giving me a "why don't you act ur age/grow up?" look. instead, he played along with me. i laughed 'til i cried that day. that silly boy has that ability to do that to me..

in case you're wondering why i miss him now... he kinda disappeared after he got a gf. haiz. what to do right?

but oh well.. i would love to do that again.. with a friend who'd just allow me to lose myself to that little girl inside once again.. and make it such a comfortable and memorable experience for me as well. where i don't have to act my age.. but that isn't the point of the blog..

i just wanted to say that i've been tired. i honestly haven't been pleasant during the past week. just flustered with everything. last week, i cried while walking home. just the tiny matters snowballing and making it worse for me. and then me realizing that i haven't been very nice to the cfers who have been there for me all the time. and i cried so hard, ignoring the cars that went by me.

at that point, i wanted to be hugged.. i wanted to be cuddled.. i wanted someone to hold my hand and tell me that he'd be there for me. from there, i thought abt the nameless/faceless guy that i had dreamt about before. not daydreams. but real dreams that come to one upon slumber. in those dreams, the guy would hold my hand.. he'd hugged me.. he'd make me secure even if i was crying. and i would wake with the sensation of dried tears on my face. just thinking abt all that, i cried even harder that night as i walked in.

no. i don't want a bf. but perhaps, i need one. *shrugs*

if anything, what James said today just made me smile a little today.. removed the tiredness when i was really reminded of the love from God. one question just kept resounding in my head..

"Why did You choose me? Why choose to love me when i couldn't even love myself?"

then it hits home.. i never realized how much more i needed Him in my life. for that stability.. for that peace to know that one day, all this tiredness will be gone. all my tears will be wiped dry. all because He chose to love me even before the foundations of the world.

still tired.. but it makes things a little easier i guess... to really want to live my life because of His love for me. plus, i managed to get eileen to take my shift tmr.. so i'm free to do my readings and spend more time with the cfers in the lib. and it's times like these where i look at the quotes in the sidebar.. and get a little more encouraged.. the three quotes mean a little smth to me.

"In Christ alone" is smth i sing to myself when i'm tired and just need a break.. reminder that it's gonna take more than the world to break me. as for the little poem from Band of Brothers, i just thought it was a good reminder to live a Christ-like life.

the last quote, "Lean on me" was introduced to me by Ben. my dog had just passed away then and i was going thru a really hard time in sch 'cos it was the period of presentations and quizzes. then Ben smsed me those very words when he learnt that i was struggling along. it's been great comfort, my dear brother, even up to today.

but yea... like i said, i'm too easily exhausted now.. 12.36 am and i'm lying on my pillows as i type this entry. the screen is a blur (also because i'm short sighted and the screen is against my lap. (erm.. yar lah. funny position to imagine.. but very comfy). think i'll give the gym a miss for thurs and fri. really need to just rest now. get the energy back.