i am.. horrifically... thinking of throwing a tantrum right now.

i have 2 law presentations over the next two weeks. been reading so many law articles that when i close my eyes, i wonder if i'm in the right discipline. oh well.

yesh. my tantrum. stress from sch.. still wondering why i don't feel the urgency to put more time into studying... and i need to complain abt certain gym users. ppl who annoy every saturday when i'm closing the damn gym. i can't stand it when those damn morons go to bathe at 6pm. the closing time of the gym is 6 pm! don't u freaking understand when i go to you at 5.50 pm to tell u that the gym is closing? i don't mean...

"oh, go ahead and workout for another 10 min and bathe at 6 pm. it's ok. the gym closes at 6 pm but i'm a student with deadlines and projects and mid terms and i've been here since 7 am.. it's ok. take your own. freaking. time. you. selfish. ass."

ARGH!

fine. if i have to wait another 10 min for them to finish bathing, i'm ok. nooooooo.. they take bloody 30 min. and i'm just steaming outside. damnit. and it's always one particular group of them... and they come out smelling like they freaking poured half a bottle of cologne on themselves. omg. there was one time my eyes just teared and i choked from the smell. and it was from one bleeping dude. might as well don't bathe right? no... he was one of them dumbass who made me wait 30 whole min after closing time. damn bleepers.

am i selfish? when i tell them damn gym users and they wave me away nary a smile or politeness. i have opened the locked doors for 2 girls coming in at 6.05 to use the bathroom and they are done bathing by 6.15. they are sweet, polite and nice. they even apologized for making me wait after that. and the reason why i was there and stayed until 6.30 that day was 'cos this guy decided to bath at 5.55 and take his blurdy time. it's the bleeping guys who make me freaking wait for them. always the guys. bleeping donkeys.

i'm switching the male bathroom water heaters off at 5.45pm next time. you have been warned.

and don't think travelling alone is going to be happening for now.. when i start working, i'm flying off without a word. maybe i should go hk. or finish up tainan. hm.. derno lah. sianz.

anyone wanna travel with me? lemme know!

and yes yes.. tell me what you think of me over here.

it's not terribly accurate.. and i think after that outburst above.. hm.. ahahaha.. don't let it sway your perception of sweet little me. but still it's entertainment when i don't want to study. (which is like now...) ok ok!! time to get started on the second case for this week's law presentation *fingers crossed* let's aim to sleep by 12 tonight!

It's time to pick up the pace... to actually start studying... after this weekend. i'm not going to be frazzled. let's take each day at a time. but for now, the weekend's brimming with activities..

hopefully i'll be able to meet up with bryan tmr. he leaves for vienna this tues. and fk's headed for belgium. when arranging the meet-up with bryan, i got moody. two of my closest guy buds are leaving. i don't even wanna imagine how next term will be.. i need ppl around when i know i can depend on ppl to be around me..

steph.. jt.. jane.. debz.. angela.. wc.. jeri.. cy.. sen.. ford..

just looking at the names is enough to make me feel miserable. and i'm listening to "come back to me" by budak pantai.. yay.

i know that i've still got my other darlings in singapore with me. but abt 5 months without those in singapore. what to do? hibernate in the gym and throw myself into work, i guess. sidenote: called pam. she confirmed my position in kpmg. technical probs so it's delayed. so ocs lied to me.. why wld pwc throw my application out?! the sch system spat me out of the running during the techie prob. and i haven't got my pay for dec and jan!!!

i wanna really wanna travel. on my way to school, i paused to think about my summer plans. besides internship, driving lessons and marathon training(as long as my knee doesn't give way). i would lurve to soak in the world cup exp in germany, pop by the stuttgart and munich pubs for drinks and games.. make my way west towards north France and visit the eiffel tower to figure out the charm it has on others. and if budget permits, i'll head back up north towards belgium and visit fk if he's still schooling.

to go alone or not to.. i would love to walk around alone, with my backpack and camera.. to lose myself in throngs of unfamiliar faces and new sights.. but i admit that the evenings will be lonely. i won't have someone to sit with me to enjoy the night sky as we just chat about how the day had been for both of us. so eurotrip to germany and france, anyone? and ppl won't be nagging at me..

oh. something that puddings showed me while i was on duty: http://www.completeevil.com/geek.html

i swear, he practically lives to antagonize me. i don't even know why he suddenly gave me that link. but no, i'm still in my musician phase. and mouse, i concede.. all the dumbass love personality quizzes that i've done in my boredom have pointed me to someone who can make me laugh. but i want my musician! i want someone who'll serenade me and mean it for once! *pouts uncharacteristically*

very easy right? christian musician boy who can make me laugh. and oh, did i mention deep pockets? not that i'm being materialistic or anything. but i would like to drop out of sch. i wanna forgo my degree to be a tai tai. hey, all those finishing/deportment classes i went for have to account for something.

which reminds me... i'll blog abt being a Lady... one day.. soon enough...
*****
Qiu Ni Hui Lai (Come back to me) - Budak Pantai
i can't sleep,
your thoughts just keep on swirling inside of my head
never knew it could be this bad
i was a fool
i played too cool, i thought i was all that you had, just me
never thought i could be so sad
it seems only yesterday, so happy we two
now just look at me, alone and so blue

i was wrong, i admit it
wo qiu ni hui lai*
i'm so sorry, please forgive me
please come back to me
i was wrong, i admit it
wo qiu ni hui lai
i'm so sorry, please forgive me
please come back, please come back to me

pick up the phone
i call your home, my heart pounding, hoping that you would say
"It's ok, let's try again"
the line connects
i hesitate, i don't know if you'll give me that chance to say
"Can we start again as friends?"
there's so much i wanna say for all that i've done
but when you come on the line the words just don't come

i was wrong, i admit it
wo qiu ni hui lai*
i'm so sorry, please forgive me
please come back to me
i was wrong, i admit it
wo qiu ni hui lai
i'm so sorry, please forgive me
please come back, please come back to me

i know i'm wrong, but i ask for another chance
let me please try again

*wo qiu ni hui lai is translated as i beg you to come back.

the Budak Pantai performance at Blue Moo was.. magical. truly truly. from the time they started, the fireworks during the intermission, the encore at the end.. $8 well spent. i didn't even put my mp3 on during the journey back. so afraid that i would lose that ringing in my ears.. that mental image in my mind. all 5 of them.

my cherie amour, you're the only one that i adore
you're the only one my heart beats for
how i wish that you were mine

they sang "my cherie amour"!! i'm a sucker for anyone who can pull it off wonderfully. and they serenaded me to no ends with that very song. the 2 comic reliefs horsing around, hamming it up to the delight of the audience. they teased and danced, a delight to watch. the lead charmed with his vocals, singing ever so earnestly (bukan cinta biasa.. "not accustomed to love" i think). the bass, though obviously sniffing with a cold, reminded me of the simple sensuousness of that low tone that i do kinda miss. and the guitarist, decked in black, was the vocal percussionist, obviously lost in the music. =) did i mention that they sang "my cherie amour"?

i wanna leap into your ocean
dive into the depths of your existence

My first concert ever. definitely not my last. down to earth, effortlessly endearing. songs like "all rice" got us laughing so hard while "leap(for your love)" made us (i dun believe i was the only one) swoon. i do enjoy live acts like eic and yar lah.. jetlaxx is not that bad lah. but it's different! When live acts perform, i close my eyes and let the music take my hand. Budak Pantai takes my hand and leads me thru the music.

it's only love, why do you cry, baby
let me dry your tears, don't you say goodbye
baby we could try, there's nothing to fear baby
love will see us through, don't you say goodbye

tonight also affims something that i've thought for quite a while already.

there's something attractive about a good musician that i'll never be able to comprehend fully. when i see ppl like maksim go loco on bumblebee then mellow for the ever gentle sadness in claudine.. the way some musicians close their eyes, shrouding themselves in seriousness, to open their gorgeous peepers and share a smile with their band members.. the way they sing so earnestly and simply, teasing the audience with their words.

i'm a sucker for musicians. i grew up to elvis, beatles and beegees.. listened to alluring oldies of Journey, patti lebelle.. then moved to the boybands... all earnest lies but earnest nevertheless. i'm a terribly hopeless romantic underneath it all.

oh, debz gave me this funny weblink.. for iGod. (below's part of a conversation between "God" and me)

Me:ok.. will i ever get attached?
God:Er. Ever is a long time. The oracle says: might happen

oracle. *chortles* machiam matrix

Me:Why do you not make sense?
God:What are the ingredients?

omigosh.. i was rolling my eyes by then.
**********
quote of the post
"He won't be the one who'll make you laugh" - a friend

Do I need someone who does that?

Just be the one who loves me; just be the one i love.

11.12 p.m, 9th Feb, the first time a brother-in-christ offered to walk me home. also the first time i smiled for real tonight. but it would have been too inconvenient for him. plus i needed time alone... or so i thought.

yet walking home, i realized that it was too dangerous for me to be alone at this time of the night. i was at the mercy of someone i didn't want to know. just a little overwhelmed at God knows what.. a little too weak and tired..

a little too vulnerable to leave myself at the mercy of me.

but i'll keep holding on. keep on remembering the warmth that coursed thru my body from a feeling that returned after so long. a feeling that i admit i missed terribly. i'll keep growing in Him.
*****
For Your Grace
You never did turn away
But cared much for my fate
You endured the pain and shame
for sinners' hearts filled with hate
Blood shed by the prophesied Lamb
Empty grave, You rose for me
Highly exalted, my Servant King
For all to come and believe

I'll continue to run this race
To strive alongside my family by faith
I'll not forget that blood which saves
Lord I thank You for Your grace

So I'll keep my eye on the cross
and never think to let You go
I'll hold on firmly to Your word
And give thanks for all I know
I'll think like You, seek Your mind
Pray that the family of Christ unite
To encourage, exhalt and charge
Of that hope, we'll never lose sight

We'll continue to run this race
To strive side by side, by our faith
We'll not forget that blood which saves
Lord we thank You for Your grace
- Me
*****
"if you smile when no one's looking, you mean it."

how about when you cry?

once again, Vday is dropped down on us like a bloody unwanted flower pot on the head... terribly sweet-smelling yet headache inducing.

it's a hallmark created day where the merchants come out in full force and prices rake sky-high. "Vday" packages all ridiculously priced.. all the mushy vday nonsense.. if u can't beat them, manipulate them! so i'll never fully enjoy Vday until i finally get the chance to exploit the silly lovers out there and clear their wallets for them. (hear me, u crazed ppl with too much moolah to spend.. give ur moolah to me!!! celebrate love everyday, not just 14 feb, lah)

sure.. people act differently on that day. perhaps there's something truly magical abt Vday. or it could just be the hallmarkish tradition which brainwashes the weaker ones into a lurvey durvey mood and thus creating a sense of socially-implemented obligation to be nice to everyone that spreads like a freaking virus.

Interesting things to know. it has been shown that guys want a girl they cannot get. a test was done where guys had to choose from 3 girls... all average looking.. first girl had just abt any guy in mind. second girl had one guy. the third had none. the second girl was the one all guys picked. and ppl, smile (read article here). just try not to look like an idiot doing it. but i digress.

no, i've never been on a date; no, i don't think my life is sad; yes, i'm dead pleased with myself; no, i don't need you organzing stuff for me; yes, i know you love me but don't do all that, please?

I'm not dissing love. i love the idea of having that someone to love whole-heartedly. i love the idea of having someone who'd love me unconditionally, despite my many shortcomings (like my bloody cynical side and when i gete cranky). then u scoff. who would be that illogical and irrational to love someone like me? and can i ever be illogical and irrational enough to love anyone that much?

and guess what, love is damn illogical and irrational. and it has happened. He came along and provided salvation.. that i may be vindicated by His pure blood, filled with love for someone as lowly as me. He is my Servant King. He doesn't ask for tag heur watches or an ipod nano. yet each morning, He showers me with love that He displays every day of my life. and all He asks is that i'd follow Him whever He may go in response to His love. as my love to Him. Yet, why do i struggle? i'm only human and He's not. He's Lord above all, isn't He? I can only try to be more like Him each day.

think about it. we complain abt not having that person who'd love us so unconditionally. Yet when we shunned Him, He died for our sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, just to reconcile us with God. Christ doesn't ask that we require a gpa of 3.7 and above.. He doesn't ask for us to be slim/muscular with model-like features. He merely asks that we believe in Him.

Isn't believing in Him a condition?

How can you accept the love of someone you don't believe in?

Then wouldn't loving Him back because He loves us become a condition? Would He still love me if i do not obey the bible?

when you believe in and accept Him, you are showing love for Him. why take the love of someone you don't intend to love in return? He would still love you but do you display your love for Him by disobeying Him in all you do? It's not a prerequisite. It's a response to the love He had given you. He has told us everything about Himself, down to the fact that He has bled for us, to the point of death on the cross.

(Read the History of Crucifixion here. Note: tad squirmish for readers with vivid imaginations.)

He was humiliated...scorned... by us... for us. when He didn't need to. Yet to death, He chose to go for us in His obedience to God. that is love at its greatness. nobody else in this world could ever love you any more or any way like He does. why do you give up the gift of eternal life from Christ that He offers, only to accept His wrath at the end of the day and continue to live ur sinful life? there are consequences. why chose wrath over love?

how can you ignore this love?
don't you want this kind of love?
then why do you still not believe and accept Him, O fallen sinner?

you want the roses? you want the sunshine or rain? you seek that rainbow? how about that diamond? He created the world. thru Him, all things were created and have their being. 'nuff said.