After some quiet time and reflection this week, I was suddenly reminded of a drama that I once watched. "It's okay, that's love."

My all time favorite because of the themes that it was challenging. Because of the world norms that it questioned.

One poignant scene had the senior therapist in the car asking the other passengers why people couldn't see mental illness for what it was: an illness. He likened it to a cold. It's not normal for the body just as mental illness is not normal for the mind. Yet instead of encouraging medication to help treat it, people write it off carelessly.

Which made me think of my own experiences. So often... in fact far too often, I was told it was all in my mind. That i just needed to condition my brain. That I just needed to take the steps in any self help book to think normally again.

Would you tell a person suffering from a cold that if they don't sniff or blow their nose or show symptoms of a full blown cold, their body would recover? Would you tell a person with hacking cough to suppress the cough and they would get better?? (Side note, suppressing coughs can worsen your condition. Ask my mom and her 2-month old cough.)

So why do we not recognize that there are symptoms and tests to prove a person is mentally ill just like how there are symptoms and tests to prove a person is bodily ill? Why do we not realize that there is a treatment that needs to be applied to the mentally ill the same way treatment is applied to the bodily ill?


At the end of the day, I have learnt that mental illness is a dark unknown realm to many. And because they don't understand it, there are those who will apply what they know to the unknown. Which just doesn't work. The "top ten tips for effective..." or "things to do for a better..." lists in your hr research books do not work. It's an illness. The person is unwell. Just get treatment to them.

But then, there is a group that seeks to understand it more. There's a group that questions and realizes that they know nothing about mental illness and strive to learn more so they can handle it better. And most of the time, these people have gone through the illness themselves.

Or are from the first group above who have come to realize that they know batshit about depression or anxiety or Tourette syndrome.

After being open about my condition in church, I've learnt that there are so many people... too many people who are fighting demons the way I was fighting mine. And they are losing the same way I lost without proper treatment because they don't realise that they are ill. And so I'm still finding out more about this unknown area in today's world.


And honestly, it's never too late to find out more. To ask. To see how you can help someone by first admitting that you know nothing about helping them.

It's really never too late.

Too many places to visit. Too little time.

At least I've narrowed down the places to mainly Europe (this new role is stabbing me with wanderlust whenever I stroll down the corridor to get to the toilets).

so note to self: remember this stupid list you have created of places you want to go to and get it done!!

1. Norway. Tromso is gorgeous. Oslo is gorgeous. Kristensand is gorgeous. Bergen is gorgeous. And northern lights. oh the northern lights. I am in trouble.

2. Denmark. Oh the clogs and the architecture that just keeps enticing and captivating over and over and over again. Yes. In trouble.

3. UK. I've been to London numerous times but yet I haven't ventured much beyond it. Just bits of Rye, Whitstable, Manchester... and there's still so much to see. Plus this: https://www.theguardian.com/travel/2016/oct/15/best-autumn-walks-uk. So Scotland. Lake District. Oxford. Bilsbury. So many places waiting for me. Shit's about to get real.

4. Spain. A different flavor. It's more colorful. Warmer. Cooler. Brighter. Duller. So diverse from the other countries above. And Canary Islands. Oh my god Canary Islands. How else can I sit by the beach in Tenerife and quote Ed Sheeran?? So much trouble.

5. Belgian. Oh my sweet sweet Belgian with your chocolates and waffles and fries and beer and cities waiting for me to get lost in. Brussels was but just the surface of your beauty. *Stares at wallet in dismay*

6. Switzerland. Bern. Interlaken. The old cities with constantly new sights to amaze people. All the historical war monuments and the castles and the mountains. Plus this is the one place I would challenge myself and go skydiving although I fucking hate heights. But to be free falling then soaring above the snowy caps to land in soft-ish/hard snow... oh so much trouble.

7. Iceland. The volcanoes. The geysers. The hot spings. The lava fields. right. FTS..

and these are just places where I've figured some of the cities out. I haven't even started on Finland. Sweden. Germany. Austria. France. Italy. Portugal. Greece. Romania. Poland. Ireland. Hungary. Croatia. and that's not even all the countries in Europe. HOW???

"Can you send us your stuff to check for mistakes?" vs "can you send us your stuff to check?"

"It's so easy. Why are you asking?" vs "It's actually easy. You can try this..."

"I am sorry if I hurt you" vs "I am sorry I hurt you".

"Oh. Ok." Vs "How can we help?"


So many times, so many times we fail to see the impact our words have on others. I am no longer hung up on it. But I do revisit the thoughts in my head to remind me that I have changed and I am hopefully a better person after this.

Despite what people who love me think, I like to believe that I was a victim of toxic circumstances rather than a victim of toxic people. Despite the calls to ignore and to cut out those people from my life, I still choose to love and care and have them part of my life if they wish. Despite the world thinking I'm crazy for still keeping the people that triggered and worsened my depression, I believe that it was their actions propelled by the situations which resulted in all of this. And not that they are calculative self-serving people who will step on others just because they can.

Like I told Liz, it was really a problem of "fit". Circumstances and situations had caused the environment to change and I just couldn't fit into it. Is it a bad environment? For me, yes. For others, no. They thrived in it. If the organisation sustains and can move forward with that environment, I would be a fool to think I had a better style. I know that I just had a different style from the leader then.

Call me naive but I rather treat people nice than to demand that people treat me nice. It's less disappointing to expect nothing from others and more uplifting to demand everything of me in how I treat others.

But I am not naive. I am a Christian. Because of that, I will love tirelessly, whether or not I get love in return. After all, I am not defined by how others act towards me but I am defined by how I act towards others because of who God is.


So I will keep thinking of the past. I will keep reflecting on it to remind me that I can and I will be a better me after all this. And that's my one prayer in life. Not to put people down despite how they are or were to me. Not to hurt others just because they have hurt me. How people treat me shouldn't have an impact on how I treat others.

So keep on keeping on, little one. Keep on keeping on.

Decided to tackle the four beast mountain alone. I picked the more common route of starting at the tiger and ending at elephant. And all I could think of was how it mimicked life.

As I climbed, it was ridiculously tough getting to the top. Many times I could have given up. There were so many reasons to give up. The skies looked bad. I was tired with no food due to no planning... but I continued despite wondering what I was doing to myself.

At one point I was feeling lost and wondering if I was headed in the right direction. So I stopped and asked for help from a stranger. He continued the journey with me to the point we had to part. Even after I reached the peak, heading back down wasn't easy. There were still some times where I had to walk up to walk down. And walking downwards was difficult in its own way.

When I finally got to the bottom, there was a sense of something being finished. I wasn't necessarily a better me... but I was a different me. I had something new to describe me.

It wasn't so much that the climb mimicked life. But the climb was like any trial or phase in life. There are the climaxes and the pains to getting there and coming down from it. But help comes when I ask and I'm usually surprised by the help I get.

And after it's all said and done, being a better person is a definite bonus. But we don't necessarily become a better person. Like the Wicked song, "who can say I've been changed for the better? But... I have been changed for good."

And in these moments, the beauty of creation still stands around me, waiting for me to stop and stare and know that He's there through it all.


Always grateful for these moments of peace that allow me to find myself once again and calibrate my life in accordance to His. Always grateful and always working at it.