i fell. again.

not that it's anything new. i'm so incredibly clumsy. if you ever had your physiotherapist tell you to not fall for a month, raise up your hands. *raises hands. both hands.*

with every fall, there's a new scar to speak of. then a friend asked me if i was going to be wearing pants more to hide the scars and wounds.

and i told her no. what are physical scars but just skin deep indication of healing?

i'm not one to worry about scars. in fact, i think scars give a person character. it could be frivolous ones like i have from falling.. it could be that huge ass one that francis has on his abs after being an idiotic hero for standing up for his friends. every scar has a story to tell.. big or small.

physical or not.

of course it's the phantom scars that speak the most. those that people will never know until you tell them about it.

everyone has a scar. and with its story to tell, i don't believe that a scar could be ugly. sure, it is an imperfection. but give me a perfectly imperfect man than one who jests at scars and never felt a wound. as Wallace Stegner said,

"Most things break, including hearts. The lessons of life amount not to wisdom but to scar tissue and callus."

how very true. i would like to think that come the day i'm walking with my Lord in His house, He'll look at me and not see my world successes or failures but the scars upon my soul and heart. those that speak of the wounds healed by Him. all of them.

He'll never leave a wound open. it's not His character to not heal His children. and with each indication of a healed wound, i'm reminded of His goodness. of His love. telling me to not dwell on the wound but move on, looking back once in a while to learn from the scar tissue.

it's another reminder too. to not leave the wound open.

so often, He provides that scar tissue but we scoff at it. we think we are able to heal ourselves or with zealous romanticism in our heads, we embrace our wounds and forego a scar. but with that open wound, we never really move on. we never really heal.

He's healed too many of my wounds and left too many scars for me to ignore His existence. to ignore His calling to be His. to ignore His love. He took my biggest wound upon Himself and scarred Himself for me. that just as Thomas put his hands to the Lord's scars from the nails on the cross, may i also do that very thing and remember all that He's done.

and the fact that it's no longer a wound but a scar.. i need to remember why the scar happened and move on without turning back.

"There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with."

- Harry Crews

help me help myself stop the self-inflicted hurting, Lord. give me my scars.

It's the end of the year. there are 26 days left before Christmas descends on us.

already, the festivities have started with mini chimichangas, nachos, iguana lager and lime margarita at 2.45 pm in little greenwood with the bro and father.

26 days to christmas in taiwan.

26 days left to the day of remembrance that my God came down to earth to die that He may bring me back to His side for His glory and my salvation.

26 days and the rest of my life on earth to thank Him for all the goodness He's shown me in His own ways.

through happy times filled with laughter and squeals of glee..

through all the trials and tribulations and many many tears..

He's given me memories, both big and small. good and big. and i'm thankful. i'm ever so grateful that I've had that chance to walk with Him while i'm still finding myself.

and that people He's put with me. all my brothers and sisters. that amazing select that He's chosen for Himself.

and yet my heart goes out to those who have yet to say, "Abba Father." to those who have yet to say, "Te amo, mi Dios."

those who have yet to say, "my life is not mine to live. it's Yours. i give me to You. have Your way with me, Lord, that Your will be done, not mine."

it's even more frustrating when people just think of religion as a moral compass. it's beyond that. it's a lifestyle. it's just soooo much more. i can't do any more other then to keep praying. to keep hoping.

**

i'm still praying for you. that you'll know my Lord the way i know Him... that as His plans unravel in your life, i'll find you next to me, supporting me in the way you already do and even more. even that random sms counts for smth.

but other than that, i'm sorry. i really am.

quick musings...

work's been a.. well.. bitch. late nights.. unreasonable clients.. deadlines.. and currently sticking a foot into 4 projects is probably going to kill me as well. i feel bad that i'll need to sit down and talk to an incredibly sweet boss to tell him that i can't help him anymore.

why this project? the mere fact that i'm really just the most junior staff providing input. and i know he's put me on the project because it's really such an incredible learning experience. but i just can't cope. not with 4 projects. something's got to give. and it's most unfortunate that it's his project.

on a lighter note, i finally got to watch Maksim perform. and he played "Claudine". such an amazing beautiful sad piece. i am inspired to go back to the classicals again. just hope it doesn't bring back horror memories of exams.

and yes, i finally bought the new Budaki Pantai CD. on friday, sl and i popped into starbucks before we headed back to office. i couldn't resist christmas in a cup.. then "Nothing Also Can" caught my eye. naturally, i picked it up and bought it.

who was to know that i would meet Joe and Gordon at Asian Kitchen Teahouse for dinner? the rest were so incredibly sweet as they pushed me to get the guys' autograph. so yes, my "Nothing Also Can" has been autographed by the two boys in my horrific fangirl moment.

crazy-ass week. and more to come. sigh. let's pray that things start to look up and if they don't, i'll continue to be strong for Him.

dynamics have changed around me. more boys. with the noobs.. with the dragonboaters.. and i'm actually loving it.

there's a sense of familiarity with the boys.

i feel like i'm me.

like i'm back home.

where i know there's that comforting hand for me to hold and a shoulder to rest on. to have that warm palm of assurance resting on my shoulder of back. it feels like a mix of jc and uni. it's. incredible. let's hope this lasts for a while longer. :D

***

on a side note, i'm totally in love with Owl City. Adam Young is a one-man army. while jay-z is singing about death of auto-tune, i'm hoping that Adam holds onto it. the whole electro-pop thing is amazing.



Time together isn't ever quite enough
(When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home)

What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
(We need time, only time)

When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
(If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?)

So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
(All the time, all the time)

i do have some of the weirdest conversations with random people.

Doc: your nasal passage is inflamed. badly. does this happen often?

me: *shakes head* this is the first time.

Doc: has there been a lot of construction going over near your place?

me: no...

Doc: are people falling sick around you? family.. colleagues...

me: no...

Doc: oh. this is strange. i can't think of why your nose is acting up.

*pause*

me: erm. i have been sleeping for 5 hours for the past few weeks? does that affect anything?

needless to say, my poor doctor went into a frenzy as he nagged me about the perils of lack of sleep. then he continued on about 7 hours of sleep and how my immunity level was low.. i just stared at him blankly until he finally declared that he was giving me a mc to sleep.

at that point, i shyly replied, "but i've got deadlines tomorrow."

the poor man looked so exasperated with me, i could only smile at him sheepishly. he sighed and signed off on my mc. i stared at the paper, wondering what i was going to do with it. before i left the room, he looked at me:

"REMEMBER! TOMORROW. MC."

er. ahahahahahaha. yar right.

it's a strange rush. that despite returning home after 2 gruelling long days of 8 races and just one silverware to speak for the work put in, i'm glad. there's a sense of strange comfort in knowing that i never lost it. that same adrenaline i feel as i pant and try to catch my breath at the end of each race.

but for a rookie team to make the big guns sit up and notice our lead in the starts... sure, only our starts are amazing. we just can't carry the boat through hard enough to maintain the lead.. but just to know that we are making people notice us at our very first competition. to know that our personal best (56s!!) is an amazing feat especially when many of them are rowing for the first time.

coach was right. when he spoke of the team at the end, he asked us to see how far we've come. from a team of non-dboaters to one that within 10 mths can be discussing race plan strategies... it is incredibly heartening.

plus it felt sooooo good. to feel that water on my hand as i plunge the paddle head into the waters. to feel the splash from breaking still water. the team is definitely not as agressive as my previous teams. but they are working at it. at being focused. so much for being a "corporate" team, even more one from the Big 4 accounting firms. and the members are mad fun. my mandarin is definitely getting better.

there is room for improvement as with all teams. we're still trying. we're still fighting. it's a sport where seriously, the team is only as strong as its weakest link. the reason why i adore dragonboat sooo much. there's no such thing as "star player". I can't think of any other team sport that is like dragonboat. it's just.. amazing. :)

on a lighter note...

i feel "cheated". this being the only girl to have rowed all the races. at the same time, i feel a little guilty. that past experiences seem to have played a part, with coach knowing that i'm one of the more 'seasoned' female rowers without an alumni team. sigh. how?

i'm not ashamed to say it. i had fun at the mad-ass F1 qualifying race night.

sure, it can be attributed to many many factors other than the thrill of watching the cars go by and trying to get a nice shot of the car. ok, i never got a decent shot of the car. slow shutter speed. iso a little too low to get a sharper photo. low mega-pixels resulting in grainy distance photos even on "infinity" mode. be kind. this girl is still using her beloved ixus 75. not 105.. not even 85. ixus 75. i love my digi-cam though. it's crazy. i love it.

other factors? let's see..

1. the evening ambience

while walking to our designated viewing spot, we walked along the kallang river. sure, it's dead dirty. but the view in the evening was breath-taking. people were lounging by the river, sipping beer and chatting. the soft azure sky was streaked with different cloud formations and hinted of violet undertones. it was gorgeous.

the land of the mystical spewing creature does have her share of beautiful scenary. really.

2. live performances

Backstreet Boys! Backstreet Boys! ahahahahahaha. we got treated to a 5 min mini-performance of 'pavarotti' in our suite. fine, he's Roger from Australia. and he could probably pass off as a very very drunk pavarotti with too much hair.

3. Sky Suite

yes, i got the sky suite. not just any sky suite. it was the Pit Straight, meaning we were facing the paddock and had view of the start and end line. fine, it was just the qualifiers. but looking at the big screen, you could nearly tell which driver was coming towards you 'cos of the timings.

dinner was buffet style. the lamb was all soooooo tender. it melted in the mouth. omg. i'm salivating just remembering the softness of the meat. and the chocolates and cookies and crackers and selection of cheese. sugar rush. gah.

plus, there was free flow wine, champagne, beer and haagen dazs ice cream. the waitstaff were always asking if we wanted wet towels (it was warm at the outdoor viewing gallery) and feeding us with cool drinks and ice cream. even better, we got free plugs. the poor 'civilians' had to pay $2 for their's, i think. AND AIR CON. 3 HD tvs around the room for 6 tables. at EVERY angle you sit at, you can watch the race.

**

but i digress. the atmosphere at the outdoor viewing gallery as well as the sky terrance was electrifying to finish off the night. watching the cars zoom by. there was a natural adrenaline in the air that made it all so special. of course, being there with the family made it fun.

Kudos to Singapore GP. i can't help but be impressed with them. the handling of crowds was amazing. People were dispersed quickly to the MRT stations. Buses were lining up to move spectators quickly. a English bloke in front of us couldn't help complimenting the organization while complaining abt how long it took to clear out a EPL match. :D

**

Main race. tonight. watching from the comforts of the home. sure, there are chips, beers, wine and what-nots. Raikonnen, don't disappoint, please!

Yes. this is Raikonnen. i was watching the big screen so intently to track his car. imagine my disappointment when he finished 13th in Q2 after coming in 4 in Q1. sigh. please don't disappoint!!!

strange point of my life right now.

i'm chilling over wine at home with the pops and bro as i always do.

out there, my friends are starting new lives..

getting married. (9 that i know of from jan '08 to present date.. i'm not even counting those who married before this year which is a scary number....)

leaving their current state to pursue new dreams. (7 and counting...)



i suddenly feel guilty abt being content. is it wrong? i can't remember the last time i prayed so hard for time to freeze. for me to stop growing. for me to not think abt the future. to not think abt growing in the way that the world would deem fit. the typical path of career development and family planning.

i simply engage in menial stuff like change my hair style or go traveling. alot.



anyone wants to donate to the cat/spinster-pad fund? i apologize. i'm not registered as an ipc or charity, thus the lack of double tax deduction receipts. :P

it's strange that everyone seems to be getting married around me right now.

sunday night, i ended up at Holland V with the usual crew. in the midst of being distracted either by the incredibly spicy meal at thai express or the footy at wala wala, we ended up talking abt the sudden surge of people getting married around me.

i've lost count of the sec sch mates who have married already. so in the middle of the conversation, i sighed and said, "i seriously feel the pressure."

to which, 3 pairs of astonished eyes stared back at me. realizing what i said, i rolled my eyes and continued, "on my wallet! i feel the pressure on my wallet!!"

yes, i'm happy for my friends. i really am. plus, the whole wedding planning thing? it's damn tiring but such a rewarding experience. it's not the gratitude. it's seeing the smiles on the faces during the wedding itself. to know that you had that part in making them happy.

(happy moments taken from Stephy's album)

i don't even need words of gratitude. i just need to see that smile. to hear that laugh. to know that people are having fun. to know that people enjoy that moment. i'll gladly take the burden of the stress for my brothers and sisters.

but i do admit it. i worry. i wonder what it'll feel like 10 years down the road when my friends are married with kids and i watch from the sidelines alone. then again, i wonder if i'll even be around 10 years from now to watch their kids grow up.

and then i keep on telling myself:

"I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me." Phi 4:12-13

i will be content. i have to be content. just because He gives me strength to be content. i'll just have to keep reminding myself that He's got plans for me. important ones. i don't know what each small plan is. but i just keep working on being the person He made me to be.

I want to live like there's no tomorrow

I want to dance like no one's around

I want to sing like nobody's listening

Before I lay my body down

I want to give like I have plenty

I want to love like I'm not afraid

I want to be the man I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made

- Chris Tomlin "the way i was made"

Lord, keep me growing in knowledge of You, that i may always be content.

over lunch after church with a friend today, she remarked that someone from school had said that i looked "dao". (read: proud, haughty, aloof, unapproachable) then she continued and said she had no idea why he said that. i stared at her and sighed.

i can't remember how many times i've heard that. think it started in sec 1 when my older sister's friends in choir chatted with me briefly before i had to run off to settle some stuff for the choir. they then told her that their first impression of me was that i was "dao". the fact that i had to run off did nothing for the impression.

in jc, one of the girls in my class thought i was dao. of course that changed since the first day we met 'cos i had plonked myself down next to her. frustrated that no one was talking to me, i started a coversation with her. who knew she'd be one of my closest friends even up to today? how did i know what she thought? she told me one day.

i've heard too many stories of people dismissing me as being arrogant and aloof.. and just plain unapproachable when i don't smile. omg. am i supposed to be smiling every second of the day? i can't decide if i wanna look "dao" or like an idiot. they both sound bad. sigh.

it doesn't help when close friends look at me and go, "dao? please. in what world are you dao? blur, yes. dao? noooo."

of course i agree. if i'm alone, i'm usually in a world of my own. friends can walk right past me and brush my arm to get attention and i'd just still walk on, nary a care in the world. just because i don't smile at you or say "hi", it doesn't mean i'm ignoring you. it simply means i didn't even notice you!! omg omg omg omg omg omg.

it's just.. frustrating. to know that i've lost contacts and friendships because people are mistaken about me and don't ever bother to find out. they assume that i want nothing more to do with them just because i forget a "hi-bye" a little too many times. i'm sorry i'm blur. but to cut me off without finding out more just kills me.

*sigh*

***

on a side note. sunday mornings are getting interesting. last sunday, i realized that someone still had the ability to distract me even after 5 years. it was such a sense of deja vu. and nostalgia.

then i can't believe i dreamt abt a friend out of the blue last night. then to bump into him today after god knows how many years of not seeing him (2 years, i think??) was just.. nice. he hasn't changed much. still that little boy i remember him to be. age doesn't look like it's taken a toil on his face yet.

sunday mornings are really.. woah. ahahaha.

met up with big J yday for dinner after dance class. he made me think. think of people and their habits in general. of somewhat unexplainable quirks that people have.

let's just say i reached 2 conclusions by the end of the night.

***
#1 i cannot stand people who complicate stuff. let your yes be a yes. let your no be a no. don't tell me smth is black when it's gray. and when i give in and you find out it's wrong, don't ask me why i didn't tell you beforehand that you were wrong.

don't get me wrong. i love to overanalyse and overthink intellectual issues or have debates abt academia. but other than that, i don't complicate everything else.

so don't overthink my actions. don't overanalyse what i say. for goodness sake, life is already complicated as it is. why add to it? even worse, i'm worrying about what these weirdos are thinking of what i say and do. it's too troublesome. i really don't need that kind of crap.

#2 i cannot stand weak people. people who are needy. people who crave attention. i think i kinda came to that conclusion when i was in jc. but still, i need to reiterate this point.

perhaps it's their nature to be needy and dependent and want attention. perhaps it's circumstantial. it's one thing to want attention. it's another to do everything in the desire to attain that attention. be it causing others to worry or doing things to make others upset. urgh.
***

i'm just that candid, i'm sorry. now to find the guts that i vomitted out, gather my wits and confront the dreaded. doesn't help that Big J's got issues now too. the bro-sis combo can only sit and watch the each other now.

may we both not crash and burn in our own respective minefields.

random note: listening to lady gaga & nkotb makes me think of.. well.. someone. it was a crazy one month. dead tiring but, well, intriguing. not exactly fun. but all so memorable. thank you, you. ^-^

I realized how different and similar my sister and I are. We both love vintage and fashion. But that's where it ends. She likes the woven bags from aigner. I love the tough spunky ones from balenciaga. Her plain tees are fitted. I like mine plain slouchy.

Her vintage dresses are flowery and soft.

I love shift dresses and mod dresses. big skirts rock for me.

which is probably why I love Twiggy, Audrey Hepburn and Jackie O. but i haven't seen anything dedicated to Twiggy. perhaps it's just cause she's still alive. but still..

There's something about Twiggy that makes her such a classic icon. It's the whole combination of her big eyes, short blonde hair and incredibly slender figure that makes mini mod dresses a breeze to carry off. Her pixie-shaped face and waif-like figure must have been the envy of sooo many.

Thanks to her, the trend of mod dresses is far from over. I've only got 3 of them in my cupboard. And one shift dress that's waiting for me to "customize". I want more. Of course, it doesn't help that at the end of the "Nobody" music video by Wondergirls, the girls are all looking fab in mod dresses too.

And Twiggy makes vintage dresses fun for me. The crazy geometrical prints are way too cute. It is unfortunate that we don't get much of such dresses these days. I would go absolutely ape over them.

Twiggy still looks gorgeous. I love how she embraced her wrinkles and still looks fab while close to 60 years old. When she smiles, her crows feet crease beautifully, reminding me that they are also called "laugh lines". She looked like she embrace life and fashion. I admire her. :D

Forget agyness deyn. Twiggy still rocks.

i don't understand why people can't yawn and cover their mouths.

is it neccesary to show the whole world the insides of your mouth with fillings and all? and look like you're about to swallow the head of the person in front of you in one go?

i cannot stress how terribly unglam and ugly it is.

i was minding my own business this morning, walking to my destination. just as i walked past URA centre, i noticed this pleasant looking lady. then she yawned.

it looked like she was training her jaws to take on the entire URA centre in one mouthful. yes. Both east and west wing.

oh my. word cannot describe how terribly horrendous the lady looked while she yawned. i found the closest resemblances here..

photo courtesy of http://travelpicspro.smugmug.com/

and i'm not kidding. it was that scary. the only cute open mouth yawn i've ever seen is on dogs or babies. i forgive babies because they have absolutely no inclination to be polite 'cos their little brains can't process that level of graciousness yet.

is it really that hard to raise a hand and cover your mouth?? sigh.

***

side note: my poor dog was stripped and scrutinized this morning by my "lovely" colleagues. at least he (to quote a certain AM) "sure is handsome". my poor gorgeous baby.

3 days in a row. i'm on some kind of high here.. or i could just be really bored while living out my mc days at home.

updates. no more fever. yay! i haven't gone beyond 37.1 since yesterday noon.

but a quick follow-up on yesterday's post, i'm grateful i didn't break at "There is a Higher Throne". that sense of deja vu is passing. it's not that i think i have that kind of a "power". rather, it's me still trying to understand why He makes me react in certain ways at certain times under such circumstances.. as if He's telling me that He's still there.. that He's still listening.. that i need to continue trusting His heart.. that i can still lean on Him..

just so i understand why i prayed the way i prayed. why i cried. why i broke down. why i still cling on to that hope and promise He gave despite the pain and the tears..

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." - Rev 21:1-4

Lord, i believe. help my unbelief. i'm still leaning on You.

****

Fyi, people, you need to introduce a new word in your vocab. ODDITY. spell it with me. O. D. D. I. T. Y. oddity, not auditee. sigh.

i'm still on mc. 3 days off work. i can sleep in for one more day.. just one more day. sigh.

quick fact of the day:

According to numerous web sites, such as Professional Jeweler Magazine and Normans of Mosman, tennis star Chris Evert was known for her diamond line bracelets. She lost one during the 1987 U.S. Open, and the game had to be temporarily halted while she prowled the court for it. The "tennis bracelet" incident sparked a new name for the item, as well as a huge jewelry trend.

source: Ask.Yahoo

It's not often that a piece of jewelry is named for an accident, but such is the case with tennis bracelets. Tennis bracelets got their unusual name from an incident involving professional tennis player Chris Evert during a match in 1987. Evert had been wearing an expensive bracelet featuring an inline string of individually-set diamonds. When the clasp snapped, she asked the officials to stop the match until the jewelry could be found. Since that day, bracelets featuring an inline array of diamonds have been called tennis bracelets.

source: WiseGeek

now you know why it's called a tennis bracelet. cool, eh?

what a night. Y organized something absolutely nuts for my bday. extremely traumatizing. but i had good ol' J to count on and keep me sane as he provided a shoulder to hide behind whenever uncomfort overwhelmed me. and a car to send me home with since i live along the way to his gf's place.

yes, i dedicate this post to J, a sweet big (physically too) brother. anyhoo, by the time i got home, i told B about the night's events and he replied,

"what they have is carnal pleasure. what we have is eternal salvation."

i stared at B's comment last night and thought about it. my mind drifted back to J in the car telling me he wished he had more self-control. and how much he actually admired guys didn't think about the carnal pleasure as much as he does. i look at my big brother and said,

"trust me, they struggle more than you do. they struggle with knowing that while their friends are out there getting some, they need to hold on to that faith (and restrain)."

the conversation carried on about the christian faith and i found myself explaining that sex, in itself, was not evil. c'mon, God created sex. one part i missed out was that it's in the context where us fallen sinners take sex into and turn something good into something impure and yet "right" by the fallen world's standards.

one thing i love talking with J is that he never does try to impose the world's view on me. he listens to me. never once did he tell me that when the time comes, i'd find it hard stick to my values. last night, he looked me in the eye, smiled, and said,

"don't open that door for as long as you can. once you do, there's no closing it."

it was one of those moments when it felt like he was telling me to stop growing up. that it was alright to stay the way i am. that i've a whole life in front of me to grow. but there are things that i don't have to face.

that's why he's the big brother. one of the few i trust to keep me safe in the big scary world. one of the few i want around to protect me from whatever the world throws at me. right now, i can only think of 2 friends whom i trust enough to share everything with. and the same 2 to be there when i need a hand out of whatever mess i'm in because i trust them to look at me when i'm crying, crack the knuckles and say,

"who's ass am i kicking, babe?"

so to big J, i will fly to ozzie for your fairy tale wedding when the time comes. i promise. :D

i've been craving big breakfast in true blue ozzie style. imagine this:

buttered toast. hash browns. sauteed mushrooms. ham n bacon drenched in worcestershire sauce. grilled tomatoes. poached egg with luscious gooey yoke. sausage. topped off with a skinny latte to make yourself feel less guilty abt the calories.

delish. really.

on the side note, i'm still running into random people (no sean, i never fell down) and making connections with nameless faces.

when i got back to singapore, i took the mrt to tanah merah to save on the airport surcharge. at the train station, i noticed two caucasian dudes looking lost. i paused for a second before approaching them. naturally, i helped with directions and taught them how to get to dhoby ghaut from changi, including all the random platform changing.

next thing i knew, we were chatting on the journey to tanah merah. gave nibbles of advice abt going to malacca and talked about the random touristy spots around SEA. also learnt that the older guy was 22 (i feel old. really.) and both of them had dropped out of the Dutch air force and were going back to college with two months to spare in South East Asia.

i contemplated exchanging contacts for quite a while. another contact in Singapore for them to find out information from. but my shyness and nerves got the better of me. we parted ways at tanah merah after i reminded them of the route they should be taking.

and it struck me.

it's those nameless connections that i remember more than ever. 'cos you no longer identify these people by names but the way you felt during that moment of connection. the things you say and the little laughter and jokes may be forgotten but that lack of discomfort when interacting with a nameless stranger..

it's just knowing that it's raw emotions sans names which remind you that truly, it's the feelings that help you relate to people. maybe if i meet them again, i'd get their names and contacts. but for now, i'm going to let that encounter linger on as just a memory of feelings and nothing more.

**

girls! i found pure blonde in Singapore:

Boomarang Bistro & Bar Australian. #01-15 The Quayside, 60 Robertson Quay, 6738-1077.

they have all -day brekkie (tb ozzie style) on weekends. when are we going????

i really shld be more tolerant of a certain group. but they have been irking me. ok, let's generalize them. let's call them "stupid people". Hence, the conclusion is..

i cannot tolerate stupid people.

i swear. i'm not talking abt intelligence. heck, i don't stand very high up on the intelligence scale. i know enough to sprout random facts. but it's not like i qualify for mensa or smth. but i digress. let's break down "stupid people".

1. Bus Seat Bouncers

from this, yes, "stupid" includes "damn rude". for heaven's sake, why can't people sit gently on the bus seat? i can't remember how many times i've been woken up by people who sit so hard that i bounce up in horror. i once went "Woah!" 'cos i seriously flew off the seat. the guy stared at me. then looked forward.

no apology. nada. i think even my foot is more gracious than that. urgh. your brain can't process an apology huh?

2. people with no lift ettiquette

i was pushed by a guy 'cos he was rushing for a lift that was already full and door was closing. when there was obviously another more direct route to the lift without PUSHING me. let me show you the layout.

so this guy is rushing for lift 3 which was quite full. the door was closing. mr smartpants decides to take the dotted line instead of the red line, SHOVING me aside. i was just going to lift 2 which was reaching. after which, he stuck his hands out and forced the lift door open before squeezing in with the displeased lift crowd.

sir, your capacity to scan the lobby and find the no-person area to get to the lift is amazing. and oh yes, i'm sure the people in the lift are very happy with you delaying their trip to the office and adding more human juice to the already saturated lift..

as if this wasn't enough, when lift 2 came, the ladies who went in first pressed their floor buttons and proceeded to the back of the lift. gracious? no.

i was next so i rushed in to press the "door open" button. i was too late. the poor guy after me got hit by the closing door. i sighed very loudly. the two ladies just looked at him and did not say anything. like how the first guy never apologized.

yes, i'm sure it's not your fault you've been working in the building for a while already and cannot remember that the lift door closes quite quickly. and you obviously do not know about the existence of the "Door Open" button.

3. Street Hoggers

this really happened once. a bunch of ladies were strolling down orchard road and blocking the entire pathway between orchard emerald and centerpoint. i can't stand walking slowly. so i say "excuse me". they continue strolling. i walk louder in my heels and say, "excuse me" a little louder. they continue walking slooooooooowly..

i tapped the lady nearest to me, "excuse me, cutting through please.by that time, my tone was annoyed. i was tired and frustrated. the lady moved her friends. as i walked past, i heard one remarked, "that was so rude. where was she rushing to anyway?"

sooo. i'm the rude one for breaking up the group who was having their leisurely stroll and occupying the whole street. (fine, my tone really wasn't pleasant) i shld walk on the road and risk getting knocked down for walking faster than a snail.

4. Cars that pay no attention to the traffic lights
cars still drive on despite the amber light changing to red. and what happens? the cars (mind you, not one car. CARS) end up on the pedestrian crossing. the poor pedestrians weave thru the cars to cross the road. i once saw a driver roll his eyes. oh, the urge to dig them out was so strong.

i'm so sian of such people, i can't even be sarcastic anymore..
*****

it's not the me-first attitude that pisses me off. it's the me-only-you-never attitude. that absolute disregard for others around. oh god. i could be really mean and wish that these people never have kids or truly, the world would be in dire state.. but no. so much for the gracious campaign in Singapore huh?

the stupid mrt door thing is never changing. i swear, we need to scare the bejeezels out of these people. like when they cross the yellow line just as the train door opens when people are getting off, they'll get electric currents surging thru their impolite excuse for bodies.

hallo? are you uneducated? are you bleeping illiterate? or can your brain not process instructions for a more efficient abeit gracious society?

i can't imagine people ruder than these in singapore. oh gosh. seriously. i have no tolerance level for stupid people. urgh. how?

fun fact of the day (1):

Aktiengesellschaft (IPA: ['aktsiəngəzεlʃaft]; abbreviated AG) is a German term that refers to a corporation that is limited by shares, i.e. owned by shareholders, and may be traded on a stock market. The term is used in Germany, Austria and Switzerland. it's made up of 2 words: Aktien which means "shares" and Gesellschaft means "company".

fun fact of the day (2):

Hugo Boss is German. yes. it's Hugo Boss AG.

fun fact of the day (3):

the 'final' Birkenstock sandals were created by Karl Birkenstock, a german man with the design and concept passed down through his family. however, the company is a US trading company. hence, it's not Birkenstock AG.

***
i know.. my snapple bottle cap moments are extremely random but hey, these are seriously interesting little snippets that people don't give thoughts to. like how many people knew abt the Oscar's origin (see blog post here)?

On another note... the itchy-hearted girl in me is thinking of all the things i used to do.. from boogie-ing under the disco lights to jiving or cha cha-ing the afternoon away on the solid dance floor.. from stretching my vocals without using falsettos to shouting in unison in the dragonboat.. from tinkling the ivories to causing muscle burn in the gym.. from ruling the kitchen oven and stove to having the lemon meringue at marmalade pantry..

all seemingly different. yet all provide that little physical escape.. that little rest from work to clear my mind. seriously, i didn't mean to take upon so many things in life. i just do whatever i like to do! as long as it's not illegal or hurtful. it's just tiring 'cos then there are tooo many things for me to want to get back to doing.

and i don't have the resources for it. time. money. i've already got vocal lessons planned for may onwards. then after jr fixes up the guitar, i've got him and another bunch of friends willing to teach me. oh oh oh. i'm never going to get down to funk classes or tango classes.. don't even ask me abt waltz intermediate at this point of time. i'm just grateful i'm not mixing up the steps from samba, rumba, cha cha, jive and waltz. yet..

give me 2 more years without hitting the dance floor at all and no practice, i'll be messing everything up.

then the thought of cooking the whole day thrills me but remembering the dishes to be washed afterwards sends shivers down the spine. i sooo need to snap out of this.

first up, i need to get D&S wedding going before i fly to melb and come back to pick up the remaining pieces before the big day itself. i tell you, i'm going to be a wedding planner and cafe owner who bakes and rules the espresso machine in the future. *fingers crossed*

classic quote of the day.

JP to CQ when she brought the wedding invitation card - "Bring for what? Free admission ah?"

i seriously love them. all the wedding dinners with them have left me literally panting for air, grabbing my stomach in pain and massaging tired laughing cheeks. thank you. thank you for making working life so much more bearable. thank you.

today's been a strange day. the walk under the umbrella as it rained while i made my way to toast wasn't that bad. the rain from the blow of the wind was surprisingly refreshing. lunch was mind-boggling. but still, it was nice to meet up with lamb though it wasn't much of a catching up moment.

after lunch, the rain had stopped and left the weather cool, absolutely ideal to walk in. he ended up walking me back to the office. yes, fine. as much as i tease him and annoy him to bits, i adore my brother.

he just got me thinking abt the need humans have for sense of security. to know that they have nothing to worry for. that in the age of retirement, their debts will be cleared. that they can live in luxury and all.

i ended up staying a little later in office to clear up with stuff with ql. on my way home while waiting at the bus stop, i was enjoying the chill of the evening wind when a lady interrupted my thoughts and asked for directions. i gladly provided her with the directions since i knew it. we ended up on the same bus as her destination was just a few stops before mine.

we chatted as the bus ambled along. i learnt that the pretty nameless lady was a private tutor for Asian languages. we spoke abt language, about accounting. i swear, she didn't look 35. i thought she was in her late 20s. then her next question stunned me.

"so which church do you go to?"

of course i collected myself in a split second and replied. i asked her the same question and we started chatting abt the church. i never got her name. but that one question rang through the night.

just knowing that she was looking at me and talking to me. to know that there was no crucifix pendant or earrings. no screaming bible verse. no visual sight to tell the world i am Christian. just a girl, tired and hungry and just as weary a traveller. a sinner like anyone else in the bus.

just. me.

and He chose me to shine through for Him tonight. to let that halo shine a little brighter to remind one other sister that she's not alone in the world. and that she can take comfort in another sister. it was just humbling.

thank you. thank you so much.

Doesn't anyone ever wonder why the Academy Awards are also known as the "Oscars"? Seems like i'm not the only one "thinking too much".

"Officially named the Academy Award of Merit, the statuette is better known by its nickname, Oscar. While the origins of the moniker aren’t clear, a popular story has it that upon seeing the trophy for the first time, Academy librarian (and eventual executive director) Margaret Herrick remarked that it resembled her Uncle Oscar. The Academy didn’t adopt the nickname officially until 1939, but it was widely known enough by 1934 that Hollywood columnist Sidney Skolsky used it in a piece referring to Katharine Hepburn’s first Best Actress win."
- taken from The Oscar Statuette

there you go. there's another story too.

"The other is film actress Bette Davis won the award for her role in the 1935 thriller, 'Dangerous' and named it after her husband, Harmon Oscar Nelson."
- taken from the Daily Orange

food for thought eh?

Dang, where did those summers of lazing on sentosa, baking under the sun, listening to happy tunes, drinking ice lemon/green tea and mindless banter go to? i think they disappeared when my friend remarked..

"once you hit 25 man..."

I'M NOT THERE YET! dammit. i miss the beach and sun almost as much as i miss the gym. but hey, Kid Rock is awesome stuff man. :P

i've been out of sorts for a while. seriously looking forward to my vacations that are to come, be it the one week getaway in melbs or the weekend in meleka.

i'm still waiting for that opportunity to return to Holland Village's Starbucks, sit there with a book, my grande caramel machiatto and music. maybe a warm cinnamon croissant.. and i'd just blend in a corner and people-watch.. smile at the occasional stranger who looks my way. there shld be a Starbucks at Greenwood.

methinks i should get paid every time i mention starbucks on my blog.

i guess that idyllic moment will be possible when i get my alone time in melbs. can't wait to return to brother baba budan at little bourke street.

there's something about what i do frequently that causes me to lose myself one too many times. (read: my job) i'm missing that girl who came back from melbourne last july. she hasn't disappeared completely, i know. but.. there's just something lacking. i don't know if i can wait until may to find her again.

to those whom i've shared my current struggle with.. please pray for me? that my heart will stop driving me mad and finally find rest. i'm not asking for my heart to stop dreaming. just.. to be a little stronger and less wild.
****
on a side note.. penny arcade killed joey mcintyre after tycho and gabriel declared that they both love him. and so CSI: NY begins on penny arcade. deh deh DEH! but yes, joey is my favorite too. :D

Click on the links below for the comic:
part one
part two
part three

"Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me. 'Cos i'd already know."

- Extreme, "More than Words"

i got a nice treat when SE and Ja came over to serenade us in the Booth with Extreme's "More than Words". and no one could stop them 'cos they were doing it on their own accord. plus, their backs were facing the rest of the room. i adore the boys. i really do.

i know that "words" rank high on my language of love. but let's just say that someone reminded me tonight that sometimes, you really need more than words. ^-^

nearing the end of the first month of the first year. i'm still wondering where this year is going to take me to. the vacations are somewhat planned. the bags are awaiting to be packed. wanderlust still seizes my heart as i wonder when i'm going to find myself resting on a foreign bed with that new pillow in my arms, staring at the alien ceiling not like that of my own bedroom. then sigh at the end of each vacation as i unpack the loadful of bags, staring at familiar four walls just knowing that i've crashed back into reality again.

don't get me wrong. i do enjoy being in the land of the mythical spewing creature. but i adore tripping out of it to get lost in a sea of unfamiliar friendly faces, especially places where there are Nando's chicken restaurants.

that thrill of filling up the passport with multi-colored stamps has overstayed. including, that joy of picking out little soveneir pins for my decorated travelling buddy to highlight the places i've been to. perhaps it's that certain freedom from minimal commitments (like housing loans) that contributes to it, huh?

i'm done with solo trips for a while. of course i like my time alone. but for now, a few hours with a decent book and good coffee in a tiny cosy cafe to the soft strains of gentle acoustics will suffice. the rest of the time, i'll probably be going insane with different people, in strange places striking stranger poses.

for now at least. but i can count on that solo instinct to pack up one day and head out again with me, myself and i. someday. not yet. someday. it's really not as bad or as scary as most people think. in fact, it's incredibly liberating. to be able to make a complete mess of your room and know that it's not going to bother anyone near enough to annoy you with their nagging.

First up, i'm returning to home on bintan for my yearly audit. visit one in march! i can't wait. Back to the dreamy beach acoustics, a good book, fantastic sun and a cold drink. Sigh.

Perfect girl

Step back, let go

You can watch as i crumble in front of you

Take heed, it's me

It's ok to see me crash and burn like any of them

Wake up, eyes open

Come back down to this worldly reality

Hold on, why worry

This is not me going thru temporary insanity

i'm not that girl you think i am

i'm not as strong as i seem

don't speak of me the way you do

i'm not all you make me out to be

i'm no angel, i hope you'll see

i'm not perfect

Breathe out, breathe in

I never promised the world that I would not cry

Hoping, I know

Don't deny me the moments that I fall to my knees

i hurt, i bleed

You cannot ignore the scars that are sketched into me

Eyes shut but you'll see

i am as perfect as the imperfections in me

i'm not that girl you think i am

i'm not as strong as i seem

don't speak of me the way you do

i'm not all you make me out to be

i'm not your angel, i hope you'll see

i'm not that perfect girl

that you think me to be

- SK, Jan 2009

i don't know. somehow, i get the slight inkling that there are people who think a little too well of me. i'm really not as amazing as some people think me to be. those little things i do and say? those times i sat with "you" (i really don't know how many "you's" there are) late at night just to help you work out your walk even though i'm obviously craving my bed at 2.30 a.m because I've a morning class in 6 hours?

i don't want people to think too much about what i do. the actions i take. the words i say. i don't want people to think that they owe me anything. 'cos they don't. i don't want people to think i want anything from them. 'cos i don't.

I've been pondering about that for the past few nights to the tunes of Brian's "Welcome Home" album. Then one of the choruses struck me.

Welcome home, you

I know you by name

How do you do

I shine because of you today

So come here sit down

Tell Me how you are

I know, son, it's good just to see your face

- Brian Littrell "Welcome Home (You)"

that's all i want. that's all i need. that at the end of my road when i come face to face with Him and cry, "my Lord," and He'll look at me and tell me that He knows my name. that He'll look at me and tell me He's watched my victories. that He's seen my failures. and He'll call me to His side and tell me that it's all over. that i'm home.

i've given up wondering why my kind deeds seem to not be reciprocated. why sometimes my service seems one-sided. 'cos everyone will feel that way at one point of time. and Heaven forbid that i do things only because i expect something in return.

to the "you" that i mentioned earlier. i don't expect "you" to stay up 'til 2.30 am with me while i discuss BT or cry. i don't expect "you" to listen to me whenever i need a listening ear. if i could ask for one thing, it wld be that "you" will always remember my service to "you" and know that whenever "you" need that service again, come to me. let me serve "you", my brother/sister.