between the keynote, numbers and excel files that i've been staring at..

between the icepack and saltwater rinse..

i always make time for my boys on youtube. they keep me laughing. they keep me entertained. they make me smile.

and that dream a few nights ago. so real it makes me shy. *aigoo*

then in an old video, i came across their cover of Jung Yup's "Nothing Better". Junho struggled with the high notes but when Junsu did the chorus... that voice.. *sigh* of course it helps that Shinee's Jonghyun did a gorgeous cover of it too. Jung Yup is seriously amazing during times like these. ^^



Nothing Better - Jung Yuk

It always appeared before me
Your face, I remember
My heart that stopped short
You spitefully took my disfunctional heart
And with your bright smile
That's how you easily opened my heart

It's true, that is how I became your man
All my unpleasant memories, I no longer recall
Because the hand that holds me tight
Is as warm as spring

And now like a dream my heart
Has gradually stopped by your side
Without awakening for a single moment,
I dream an endless dream

And now like breathing,
If you were to always rest by my side
If you were to always remain this way
Nothing better nothing better than you
Nothing better nothing better than you

And now like a dream, My heart
In your embrace, is held still
Without awakening for a single moment,
I dream an endless dream

And now like breathing,
If you were to always rest by my side
If you were to always remain this way
Nothing better nothing better than you
Nothing better nothing better than you

Nothing better nothing better than you

finally dealt with all my extractions today. omg, my jaw is swollen and so tired from being propped opened and operated on. today's surgery was scarring. 2.5 hours and i'm still with gauze in my mouth. can't wait to take it out and finally drink some water.

i'm definitely going to be in a lot of pain. T-T

thank god for nonsensical shows like WGM. I can always count on krabb kwon to make me laugh. may this week of working from home work out. sigh..

random gym shower thoughts..

"Atheists bash christians instead of muslims even though they share the same creation views because burning in hell for life doesn't seem as scary as being made into one of the 72 virgins."

LOL.

i think i overdo my gym routine at times. seriously going mad.

I pray, not so that people will hear me praying.

I help, not so that people will know that I'm helping.

I cry, not so that people will comfort me.

I go out of my way for friends, not so I'll get their gratitude.

I trudge on silently, not to get people's approval.

I do all those things, because You've blessed me with a heart that longs for my brothers and sisters, and that gift to help, organize and plan.



and so I ask that You comfort that same heart that's longing for recognition from men and seeking to be acknowledged and thanked by men. That I will be comforted and simply grateful that You've blessed me with those gifts to serve You.

oddest dream last night. made me reconsider things a little.

imagine a friend calls you at 11.30pm on the night of his/her birthday. you're at a client discussion meeting. at 11.30 pm. yes.

would you pick up the phone?

say you pick up the phone, you hear your friend crying.. would you ask your client to give you 5 min to deal with your crying friend for a while or would you tell your crying friend that you're in a meeting and that you'll call your friend back in 30 min?

nothing like time or odd dreams to change your perspective on things. and honestly, i don't think i would have picked up the call. i would have cancelled it and texted my friend. it is a client meeting after all.

if i had some how picked up and heard the crying... i would have taken 5 min to be with my friend at least, instead of cutting him/her off within a min of the phone call to finish my meeting. then tell the client that it's late and quickly wrap up the meeting within 10 min to call my friend back.

it's not how long you spend with your friends that matter. it's how you respond to them that matters.

which is probably why i get irked by a few of people. like, you can respond within 5-15 mins to my fb comments or IMs when we're talking nonsense.. then suddenly i ask you something and you go awol. or when you ask me to bring you to some place and when i suggest a date, you suddenly awol too.

wtf?

relationships make people happy. they piss people off. simply because relationships are about people and people, well, can be absolute douchebags, me included. still... i'm grateful. for each and every relationship i've experienced, both good and bad. everyone has a special place.. simply because I'm who I am today because of all those experiences.



i'm going to lock myself up very soon and turn into a recluse. after i get my place and my sharpei. rawr.

in light of the news about a particular church under fire for alleged criminal breach and misappropriation of funds, i expect no less than douchebag-ish comments from people who are, simply put, dicks.

i'm not perturbed by this. people fail. people fall for power. money. wealth. is it right? not at all. i hate that people fall prey to nonsense like this. it's Ren Ci all over again. it's me auditing charities all over again when the most common phrase i hear is "i'm/he's a doctor/venerable monk/faith worker... how can you not trust me/him?"

i trust that you're a person. i trust that you have your shortcomings. i trust that you struggle. i trust that you can fail everyone around you.

C'mon, look at Ponzi. seriously? he cheated his friends. you're going to trust that you know people well enough to trust that they will never fail you?

then you don't know people.

a friend aptly reminded me, "I think believers have to discern between their faith in God and faith in a person. One is infallible, the other, merely human. Justice is being served in the due process of law, no one has persecuted your beliefs."

my faith is that God will continue the growth of His church. my faith is that God will look after His faithful, using His faithful. who His faithful ones are... we trust that He knows who they are. in the meantime, i continue to strive to be His faithful one, to be one of those who'll look after my friends as they look after me as well. and if one day, i should fail them.. or they should fail me.. our faith and trust are still in God. of course, i can only hope that we will never fail one another but when that happens, i have no rights to blame God for it.

that should never change.



on a side note: a venerable and those he colluded with fall from grace and people blame him. a church founder and those he colluded with fall from grace and christians around singapore are attacked for their beliefs. logic, much?

Nothing beats live updates on concert ticket sales. within 22 mins, priority booking tickets for 7 out of the 9 categories sold out for the Big Bang Alive Tour.

madness. it's like Mayday. i don't even think Jay Chou sold out so fast.

i honestly hope they don't disappoint. based on an internal survey (100 idols were put through a 30-question survey to find out about their feedback on their own friends, 2PM was ranked as the best performers by 21 of their peers (and themselves? LOL), Big Bang was a natural second with 17 votes.

but 2PM is not exactly in Singapore now, though i wish they were. So i'll make do with Big Bang for now. can't wait. CAN'T WAIT!

So i'm watching Secret Garden now. slowly catching up. Slowly. Staying up til 6 am the other night to finish FullHouse seriously killed me. But it was so addictive and i just needed to end it.

back to Secret Garden. The parody by BigBang made me notice the show. all the classic scenes that variety shows like the latte foam on the Ji Won's lips for Hyun Bin to lean over and kiss it off (휸빈씨!!).. or when Hyun Bin was doing sit-ups and going really near Ji Won's face when she was assisting him. too cute!!

Hyun Bin's character is a little psycho. and i mean he really has a mental problem where he does hallucinate at times. so he pictures Ji Won around him. then he recites the most ridiculous tongue twister i've heard.

김수한무 | 거북이와 두루미 | 삼천갑자 동방삭 | 치치카포 | 사리사리센타, 워리워리,새프리카 | 무두셀라 | 구름이 | 허리케인 | 담벼락 | 서생원에 | 고양이 | 바둑이는 | 돌돌이

Kim "Age is infinite" | the tortoise and the crane | 3000x6 yr Dong Bang Sak | Chichigapo | Sarisarisaeta, Wori Wori, Saepeurika | Methuselah | clouds | hurricane | wall | mouse | cat | dog | Doldolri

basically things that have long lives before the tongue twister goes into things that can destroy the things mentioned before it. Doldolri is just the name of the stupid dog at the end of the tongue twister.

this stupid thing is going to be stuck in my head like the 3 bears song after FullHouse.

omg, the nonsense i love to watch.

I finally told a close friend. About all the frustrations. With people and with myself. With my anger, sadness, tiredness, pettiness.. Frustrated with people. Frustrated with being frustrated by people.

He calls us to love not because we are loved. But because He first loved us. People so small and insignificant. But He chose us to manifest His image. We didn't decide to be relational people. He made us that way.

Then my friend agreed with my frustrations and said, "i would like to think that we are humans and we have emotions."

Reminds of what a really good friend said back in 2006. It's not our ungodliness that makes us struggle, it's our godliness that brings the struggles. If we chose to continue in rebellion, why would loving others before ourselves even at our inconvenience be important? Why would we care for people? He asked, "if you didn't care for what God thought of you and for living out His will, why then would you feel conflicted right now?"

I can't believe i forgot all that. In my eagerness to strive to be like Him, i forget that i'm only human.

Being human doesn't give me the rights to sin. Being human means that i will struggle and conflict with myself if I lived for Him. So i embrace my imperfections.

I let my conflicts remind me that He's real enough for me to worry about being petty, feeling small, and unloved. I let my struggles remind me that i haven't fully and will have to keep on trusting in Him. And i will remember to keep walking. To keep changing.

To realize that i can be the world's biggest asshole at times and i'm not better than those who hurt me time and time again.

 And i will remember the good and bad times. The sisters who have stood by me. The brothers who have held my hand and let me cry before bringing me back to reality. The haters who made me stronger. The people who have frustrated me.

And i will hold my head high and learn from it all. I'm still confident. I'm still sure that i'll get by each day and trial slowly and surely, alone or alongside someone. I will live life for what it's worth.

had a conversation with a colleague about the common mistakes people make.

like how everyone says "Botanical Gardens" when it's obviously the "Botanic Gardens" in singapore.  he remarked, "but everyone calls it Botanical Gardens.."

i looked at him, "many people calling it wrongly doesn't make it right. it just means that many people are wrong."

like how the word "irregardless" is now an acceptable word in the dictionary. it appalls me to know that the English language has been almost disregarded. how very unfortunate.

a fact is not thrown out of the window just because many people get it wrong. it is a fact that the lovely greenery along Bukit Timah is called Botanic Gardens. "Botanical Gardens" is just wrong regardless of the number of people who use that term. it is one thing to have an opinion. but it's just fallacious to decide what is wrong and right based on population when facts are staring at you in the face.

i thought about it a little more. too often do people take facts and throw them out of the window based on majority. to take something a little more contentious. evolution.

evolution is a fact of life. you don't say it doesn't exist simply because the people around you say so. there are facts and studies that point to it. we see it happening in the animal. we see how our bodies mature and adapt in little ways. it is evolution and it is proven by science to exists.


then it takes me to the next point of the most stupid thing people fight about. to have an open-minded debate is one thing. to fight thoughtlessly is another.


science explains how things happen. it explains that if two hydrogen ions form covalent bonds with a single oxygen ion, a water molecule is formed. but what science cannot do is to explain why it must be two hydrogen ions and one oxygen ion.

two possible opinions: you either hold the opinion that an intelligent design is in place to make things work or you hold the opinion that things cannot always be explained.

i choose the former.  and i will keep on exploring facts to frame my opinions instead of taking the opinion of others and ignoring facts that already exist.

facts like:

ruins in egyptian show that King Ramese had a brother who was exiled because he was not Egyptian.. the death of firstborns of Hebrews commanded by King Ramese when he came into power.. the unexplained destruction of a large part of his army in the desert which was decorated as a war sacrifice..

articles of a man by the name of Jesus who was crucified by the Jews for the crime of claiming he was God written by no less than a Roman scribe who was reporting to Rome on the life in Jerusalem.. a tomb found of a man called James, who was also marked as "the brother of Jesus"..

the Roman history that speak of a high priest called Caiphas who lived during the time of the Jesus' crucifixion.. a respected official by the name of Nicodemus who was lived the area of Jerusalem.. Pilate, the man who stood during the time and period of the crucifixion of a man who claimed he was the Son of God.

historical facts. etched into temple pillars by the Egyptians who didn't care for Prince Moses who was written into oblivion after his exile from the Egyptian nation. scribed in letters and books to the Capital city by Romans cared nothing for Jesus and only cared about reporting news was because they had their own gods..



And there are so many opinions out there waiting to be validated or proved wrong by facts unknown yet. i really can't wait to find out more. i seriously think of the weirdest stuff in the gym shower.

my imagination is not what it used to be. i can't put myself in the right frame of mind to write anymore. everything i write.. stories.. poems.. songs.. everything feels forced. feels fake. i can't even get past the first para or verse.

no sense of love. no sense of heartbreak. no anger. no joy. no angst.

i'm just one walking emotionless blank slate when it comes to writing.

it's not that i don't feel. i still get that slight skip of a heartbeat with the right guy singing the right song. my heart still melts at the sight of the sweet things i witness. my heart still aches and i still cry when i watch sad shows.

and i still have moments of feeling used, abused, and taken for granted by people whom i think care for me, only to realize that perhaps i'm not as important and i had hoped to be. and the whole struggle of trying to be Godly and considering them first before myself still and loving them without asking for love in return leaves that choking feeling in the throat and sick dullness in the stomach.

i still laugh. i still swoon. i still hurt. i still cry.

but that pen is just not doing anything on the paper.

time to stop writing.

Sometimes, it's better to pretend that it was only just a dream. Rather than to ask and know if everything was a lie and just a show, it really is better to pretend that it was just a dream.