i need to stop watching videos that make me a little sad about my immobility at this point.



the way each step can be so sharp. so pointed. the feeling when every movement emotes the melody. that wave of satisfaction when you transit from a fluid body wave to snap your body into lines, seeing that precision reflecting back at you from the mirror. the way the body builds up to flow into each move.

even the way excess cloth sound when you exaggerate an action and how your collar falls to expose the neckline that you're so proud of showing to the world.

i miss all this. i really really miss all this. sigh.

Sooooooo.....

the sprained ankle hurt more than usual. because it wasn't just a sprain.

i have two cracks down my right metatarsal. on the last toe. when i saw the X-ray, i was giddy with excitement. for 10s. of "OMG I'M LIKE BECKHAM AND ROONEY NOW"

then after the 10s, i remember that the two boys were out for the season.

and then the dread sinks in with the sharp (not dull but f-ing sharp) pain.

after a series of X-rays (like 6 frames captured in one day with another 4 more in 1.5 weeks time) and visits to NUH and the GP, I'm now on a one month MC with my mac at home. thank goodness i have my mac.

all the work.. all the deadlines. i'm so screwed. i'm not going to have a job when i get back to office. seriously. and it doesn't help that I'm craving beer, ice cream, cider, cheesecake, fried chicken, somaek, korean bbq, and starbucks coffee.

i won't be able to attend my buddy's wedding. i can't meet up with Princess and he's only back for 2 weeks before he returns to Philly. i'm probably missing retrolicious. i'm missing out on F1.

and my goodness i miss running. i miss watching the sunset along the Singapore River during evening runs. i'm going to miss that soreness and tiredness after each of my muay thai sessions. i haven't even re-started my dance classes and i miss it already. i miss feeling the beat. even all the stupid moments in my bedroom, remembering all the choreography that's somewhat ingrained in my muscle memory. i miss all that.


please let these 2 months fly by. please please please.

after a highly strung week of self-inflicted and environmentally inflicted stress..

i find myself now nursing a sprained ankle of the worst pain ever.

i don't think i've ever felt so frustrated and tired. and needy. like i want someone to hug me tightly and tell me it's all going to be alright. and to bring me ice cream and cheesecake. and drive me around 'cos i'm obviously not in the best state to be moving around now. and to tell me that everything sucks right now but it's still alright.

RAWR

i really need to make sure my house in the future can deal with my stupidity and klutziness. maybe have a wheelchair in the house for all my nonsense. if not, who else would look after me?

Never start the diet during stressed out periods.

your stomach will not keep any food in. you'd be forced to eat bread an hour before bed to quell the uneasiness arising from anticipation of gastric in the middle of the night.

you won't have the appetite for anything good for your body except for tea.

you'll end up feeding your face with comfort food. and it doesn't help when your comfort food includes ice cream, cheesecake and mooncake. like seriously. not during this time of the year. when it's the season for mooncake. yummy mooncake.

sigh.

*nursing my hot tea*

on generally bad days, i try to close the world out and remember all the good stuff. to make myself feel a little better.

so while making a cup of comforting yuzu cha, i remembered an incident in Seoul.

i was suffering from awful indigestion on the day we went to visit the YG building. looking for relief from the cold and the churning in my tummy, we found a cafe to settle in. with a smiley old lady and her husband.

everyone ordered coffee. how could they not? the couple roasted their own beans. they blended the beautiful beans. i couldn't have any of it. i was feeling down and out. so i settled down by the table where they were preparing the cafe au lait.

i decided on yuzu cha for my stomach. to ease the nausea and churning. and coffee smelt amazing. i was kicking myself inside as i watched the five others sip their coffee happily.

probably also from the feeling of wanting to die, i must have just been sitting there quietly, staring at the couple test out different blends of filtered coffee. my friends were probably in their own world. i don't remember much except for the smell of coffee.

but i won't forget all that happened after that.

the lady looked at me and asked if i liked coffee. i smiled and nodded back. she asked me why i wasn't drinking. i explained in halting korean that my stomach was in pain. she looked at my yuzu cha and nodded. she knew a little english so it wasn't all that bad. then she asked me if the smell made me happy. i could only nod, smiling back at her. i was really contented to sit there all day long, drinking yuzu and smelling coffee. she asked how i liked my coffee.

"americano."

"with sugar?"

"with no sugar."

she nodded with her own grandmotherly smile and returned her attention back to her coffee.

i wasn't paying much attention after a while. because suddenly, she wasn't behind the counter but in front of me. she set a pretty china cup in front of me, half-filled with black coffee. then she said, "no milk. no sugar. best way to drink coffee."

i asked her in korean how much the americano was as we had already made payment for our other drinks. she shook her head. "Free," came her reply in english.

my stomach was miserable and i was nursing such a giddy head. i could feel the tears stinging. but here was a stranger. someone i had met for 30 min at most. offering me a drink. simply because I wasn't well and loved coffee. i swear i'm not kidding when i felt like i was going to cry.

i took a sip of the warm black drink. it was glorious. my stomach didn't agree with it but my tastebuds adored it. it was absolutely fresh and beautiful. and it was a cup made out of love for coffee and a random fellow coffee lover. no strings attached.

i thanked her for the coffee. unfortunately, i was in no state to finish the coffee.

before we left the cafe, i asked for a photo with her. she kindly obliged. when we were looking at the photo, i thanked her again for everything. she gave me a little hug and wished me well.


it's the little things that keep me going when i want to shoot people's heads out to check if they even have a brain. sigh. keep remembering. keep holding on.

I need to stop feeding my face so much.

I need to finally buy a new laptop.

I need to find someone who'll get me my Raclique from Korea (damn you gmarket! You were my one hope!)

I need to question the amount of street wear in my wardrobe.

I need to stop feeding my face so much.

Late night rambles. Simply because my fat face depresses me. Diet starts on Monday. Let's go.

so i've been made to stare into a person's eyes just because momoren wanted to prove that he had a lazy eye..

and now, i'm made to help another momoren decide if he needs a haircut.




these boys are really getting too comfortable with me even though both incidents happened shortly after we've known each other.


i'm slipping back into buddy-zone again.

one day, when i was seriously concentrating on an article at work, my boss popped by my table and asked if i needed coffee. i shook my head with a smile and he asked me again. then he said i looked like i had zoned out.

zoned out????

then it reminded me of GL. whenever he's showing me a new technique or move, i'm studying how his legs pivot and how the punches or kicks swing.. i'm seriously reading his moves and trying to figure out how the punch works and where the kicks land. then he'll ask me if i'm tired out 'cos i look like i'm stoned.

i shared it with my girls. E agreed. she said that when i'm concentrating, i actually look like i'm confused and completely oblivious to what that's happening. and my eyes will widen but turn blank.

it's now known as the D.O look. the wide glassy eye look that seems to glaze over everything even though my head is processing everything.

i can't tell if D.O look is better than my death glares that my colleagues don't like though. hahahaha. something's seriously wrong with me.

Other than being extremely distracted by the golden fluffiness of Taehyung (not even Jimin and that awful drifting tank top can take my attention away), I'm just reminded of how much I miss dancing. I really need to sort out my financials and schedule.. and stop traveling for a while. so i'll actually have the money and be in Singapore to go back to class. sigh.

"你问我来自哪里
笑着回答是秘密
只要是你和我 一起走下去
天堂在随时和随地"


just because I absolutely love Chen's and LuHan's voices.

It's on days like these when I want to disappear from the face of the earth... when You gently remind me that I'm not alone. When You remind me to keep my chin up because of the people You've surrounded me with to keep me smiling despite it all. And no matter how tired and frustrated I am, You are always there, watching me trudge through life's trials and grow more and more in understanding of Your plan for all of us. Thank you. I'm forever grateful.

It's stuff like that which make me wonder why my parents chose to let me learn piano instead of ballet. I would probably be a lot slimmer, given the fact that I would have been sitting on my ass a lot less and doing pirouettes instead.

and it would also mean that I wouldn't be dying every time my coach forces me to stretch into a split during Sunday morning training.

but who knows. maybe if I had been sent for ballet classes, I would be wondering why I wasn't sent for piano lessons.

I do miss dancing. I miss picking up choreographed steps and feeling that sense of accomplishment when I master it.

maybe I should start dancing again. before my rusty bones protest further.



inspired.