rediscovery of myself...

I'm generally an awful piece of trash who can't do anything right and needs people to console me after I've dragged them into hell and back.


congratulations I am officially a fucking hypocritical useless loser.

So listening to 4minute this morning when I suddenly heard..

"chikkin bogo sipeo" (aka chicken, I miss you)

brain went into overdrive. like, "wait. WAIT. WTF?"

I went back to listen to that part of "Thank You" and googled the lyrics. it was ""...kkok jikigo sipeo" ("this, I want to hold..")



I REALLY HATE THIS DUMB DIET AND 3KG. GO AWAY FATS.

at lunch today, I took a bite of the tofu side dish before abandoning it. it was then I saw that my boss had finished his.

me: how did you finish it. it was so bland

boss: used it to balance out my very flavorable bibimbap

me: but you kept adding sauce to your rice as you ate!

boss: had to balance out the tofu


i am so done with that man.

the awkward moment when the person who "secretly" hates you finds out from you that you know...

Trapped by far too many frustrating situations. Praying for it to all pass.

After all it's just work. Why am I killing myself over it?

Because it's really just work.

Right?

"When everybody's in, and you're left out
And you feel you're drowning, in a shadow of a doubt
Everyone's a miracle in their own way
Just listen to yourself, not what other people say...

When you wanna give up, and your heart's about to break
Remember that you're perfect, God makes no mistakes...

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you gotta believe
That right here right now, you're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome, to wherever you are..."




still writing out my own happy ending.. let's see where this takes us.

maybe I should just bury my head in the ground and wait for suffocation to overcome me.

ah. fuck.

finding it hard to do anything when no one tells me or updates me on matters that I'm required to follow up on.

on the bright side, if everyone else is getting updates and not me, it should be pretty easy to leave when I do quit. since I don't have anything to update or inform because I don't know anything and they know everything.

was queueing up for breakfast this morning. front of the queue was a Bangla trying to order earnestly. he kept pointing at the deep fried dimsum he wanted and the auntie kept trying to confirm the food by asking him if it was "xx" or "yy".

he clearly struggled and the lady next to him was just staring at him.

after a while, I thought it was ridiculous that the lady was not doing anything so I decided to help. but before I could say a word, the man in front of me yelled.

"SPRING ROLL. SPRING ROLL."

typically, I may have laughed at the man's reaction. but not today. I was pissed. pissed beyond measure and so incredibly angry. the man was clearly annoyed. clearly frustrated that he was not being served and getting his food.

why was I pissed?

because the Bangla was clearly buying food to go because he had to get back to his laborious work outdoors. yet, the man found it righteous to be pissed off that he could get his food to sit in the food court leisurely in the air-con to eat before returning to his air-conditioned office to continue sitting on his fat ass to work.

you have got to be kidding me. who gives this man the right to think that service to him comes before service to others? the greed for self-satisfaction, for self-importance... to essentially be such a selfish bastard... such is the depravity of man who has put himself as King in his life.

people no longer look to serve others. if people like this man fester, there will be no more kindness, patience, or love. everyone will be rotten. just as Adam was. just as disobedient Israel was. just as the Jews who crucified Jesus was.

sigh. such is the depravity of man who doesn't truly understand God for who God is and instead clings to what he wants God to be.

So please call 1800-844-7475. I did. The wonders of Skype. Call it. Now.

was going through some of my old stuff to clear and make space for new items when I chanced across memories of my uni life.

Throughout the camps with the Christian Fellowship, we had some where we wrote notes of encouragement to one another. This often resulted in madcap laughter over coffee/tea/water and copious amounts of biscuits with the lazy guitar in the background at 3am while we poured over scribbling notes.

I often wonder if people kept those notes. I'm not a terribly sentimental person when it comes to letters or notes like these so I wouldn't blame them if they didn't keep theirs.

But I kept mine. For as many as I could find, I kept the notes that were written to me.

So today when I found them, I decided to read them all over again. The same things were repeated in the notes. They were about how I encouraged people. About how they learnt so much while talking to me as I shared my life with them.

The notes used to make me smile. They used to make me sit up a little straighter and feel a little lighter.

Today, I cried. I slouched over them and suddenly the burden was heavier. More painful. More overwhelming.

I felt like such a fraud. Through all those kind words, I never really shared my life with them. Sure, everyone knew that I was serving God despite parental objections. But they never knew my dirty secrets. About how I lied just so I could go to church. About how I snuck around and hated the oppression without ever once confronting it.

I never really shared the darkest moments of my life where I needed God the most. I never shared the splitting headaches and panic attacks and unexplainable moments of chest aches and breakdowns. I never shared my thoughts and that one attempt of suicide when I was younger. And the reason why I didn't share them wasn't a selfless one. I just didn't want people to see me as weak. I didn't want people to see how helpless and how miserable I was.

I never really shared my life with them. All they saw was the part I wasn't ashamed of. The part that I thought they would learn from without thinking worse of me.

Then towards the end of my ministry with Christian fellowship, there were people writing to me to tell me to rest. To take a break. To slow down and not exhaust myself.

I cried even harder.

What happened to that girl who so tirelessly met up with people and berated herself for not doing enough? What happened to that girl who tried so hard to patch up the holes and mend lives at 2 am in the morning despite knowing that she had a morning class in less than 7 hours? What happened to that fight, that drive, that hunger, and that passion to want to learn for the sake of others?

In exchange for wanting people to see the real me, I gave up that side of me that serve to the point of breakdown for the ministry.

Is that wise? What is right? What is wrong? What is good for the people and for the church? Why have I come to the point where I don't know what is enough and where to start and what to stop?

I need answers. Praying. Praying so damn hard.

learning to tame the tongue...

to be less quick to judge
to be slower to anger


sigh. keep on keeping on. sigh.