Was on the bus on the seats for the needy so I naturally gave my seat up when I saw an elderly man get on. The younger man next to me saw me shift and hurriedly gave me his seat, thanks to my cast. Sounds good?

No.

Another elderly woman got on so I decided to give her my seat. The elderly man forced me to sit and gave up his own seat. OMG the horror. I tried to tell him I was okay but he kept his hand on my shoulder, telling me to sit.

When another seat freed up, I immediately told him. He then said it was his stop. Before he got off, he told me to take care of my foot.

Shit. The guilt. OMG THE GUILT.

原來我只是突然累了
原來我不說了
原來我撐著撐到麻了
原來我不...

算了

I watch Awkward. Or at least the first season. because Jenna is such an awkward little puppy with voices in her head putting herself on the pedestal and then ripping herself off with her own self-deprecating humor.

much like someone I know very well.

with the bullies, stupid emotional roller-coasters, voices in head... all of it.

but I only just found this song today. apparently it was on Awkward. right. for a girl that googles the internet until she finds the title of the strange beautiful song on Scrubs, how did I miss this one? ok, I guess I got bored of Awkward now that her life isn't as awkward anymore.

still.. this is a nice song. completely worth sharing.




Fighter, Fighter
You told me we were fighters, fighters
Lover, Lover
We ended just as lovers
We let the night get away to somewhere better than here
We let the night, get away

I'm not a fan of her shows and most of her performances.

But I love her voice. I wish she did more stuff like this:

Today, you stared at my fracture and asked me questions about it. Then after running around, you came to me, to sit between my legs and play with my phone. When I moved to lean against the sofa, you crawled after me to stay between my legs and arms, leaning back into me as you watched your TV programs.

All after you threw an ugly tantrum just half an hour earlier.

Just so you know, you're such a little brat. But you're my brat and I love you to death. Please come visit me more, kid!

Yet another week of lunches consisting of tofu, frozen pizza and instant mee.

I need a care package of frozen tv dinners like bangers and mash or shepherd's pies. And canned soups of many many varieties.

Urgh.

When you fracture your leg, you realize all the things you take for granted.

like the ease of taking elevators without worrying about the door closing on your crutches..

or the ease of stepping off escalators..

or the way you used to slam your foot down on the floor to get rid of pins and needles.


nope. a fracture is really a bitch. i feel so inadequate. I feel small. I hate how my poor maid comes looking for me at 1pm, worrying about my lunch for me. I hate how she fusses over me like a little kid and how reliant i am on her. she's already so busy. and i'm just sitting on my ass.


stupid foot. WAE SO TROUBLESOME?

i need to stop watching videos that make me a little sad about my immobility at this point.



the way each step can be so sharp. so pointed. the feeling when every movement emotes the melody. that wave of satisfaction when you transit from a fluid body wave to snap your body into lines, seeing that precision reflecting back at you from the mirror. the way the body builds up to flow into each move.

even the way excess cloth sound when you exaggerate an action and how your collar falls to expose the neckline that you're so proud of showing to the world.

i miss all this. i really really miss all this. sigh.

Sooooooo.....

the sprained ankle hurt more than usual. because it wasn't just a sprain.

i have two cracks down my right metatarsal. on the last toe. when i saw the X-ray, i was giddy with excitement. for 10s. of "OMG I'M LIKE BECKHAM AND ROONEY NOW"

then after the 10s, i remember that the two boys were out for the season.

and then the dread sinks in with the sharp (not dull but f-ing sharp) pain.

after a series of X-rays (like 6 frames captured in one day with another 4 more in 1.5 weeks time) and visits to NUH and the GP, I'm now on a one month MC with my mac at home. thank goodness i have my mac.

all the work.. all the deadlines. i'm so screwed. i'm not going to have a job when i get back to office. seriously. and it doesn't help that I'm craving beer, ice cream, cider, cheesecake, fried chicken, somaek, korean bbq, and starbucks coffee.

i won't be able to attend my buddy's wedding. i can't meet up with Princess and he's only back for 2 weeks before he returns to Philly. i'm probably missing retrolicious. i'm missing out on F1.

and my goodness i miss running. i miss watching the sunset along the Singapore River during evening runs. i'm going to miss that soreness and tiredness after each of my muay thai sessions. i haven't even re-started my dance classes and i miss it already. i miss feeling the beat. even all the stupid moments in my bedroom, remembering all the choreography that's somewhat ingrained in my muscle memory. i miss all that.


please let these 2 months fly by. please please please.

after a highly strung week of self-inflicted and environmentally inflicted stress..

i find myself now nursing a sprained ankle of the worst pain ever.

i don't think i've ever felt so frustrated and tired. and needy. like i want someone to hug me tightly and tell me it's all going to be alright. and to bring me ice cream and cheesecake. and drive me around 'cos i'm obviously not in the best state to be moving around now. and to tell me that everything sucks right now but it's still alright.

RAWR

i really need to make sure my house in the future can deal with my stupidity and klutziness. maybe have a wheelchair in the house for all my nonsense. if not, who else would look after me?

Never start the diet during stressed out periods.

your stomach will not keep any food in. you'd be forced to eat bread an hour before bed to quell the uneasiness arising from anticipation of gastric in the middle of the night.

you won't have the appetite for anything good for your body except for tea.

you'll end up feeding your face with comfort food. and it doesn't help when your comfort food includes ice cream, cheesecake and mooncake. like seriously. not during this time of the year. when it's the season for mooncake. yummy mooncake.

sigh.

*nursing my hot tea*

on generally bad days, i try to close the world out and remember all the good stuff. to make myself feel a little better.

so while making a cup of comforting yuzu cha, i remembered an incident in Seoul.

i was suffering from awful indigestion on the day we went to visit the YG building. looking for relief from the cold and the churning in my tummy, we found a cafe to settle in. with a smiley old lady and her husband.

everyone ordered coffee. how could they not? the couple roasted their own beans. they blended the beautiful beans. i couldn't have any of it. i was feeling down and out. so i settled down by the table where they were preparing the cafe au lait.

i decided on yuzu cha for my stomach. to ease the nausea and churning. and coffee smelt amazing. i was kicking myself inside as i watched the five others sip their coffee happily.

probably also from the feeling of wanting to die, i must have just been sitting there quietly, staring at the couple test out different blends of filtered coffee. my friends were probably in their own world. i don't remember much except for the smell of coffee.

but i won't forget all that happened after that.

the lady looked at me and asked if i liked coffee. i smiled and nodded back. she asked me why i wasn't drinking. i explained in halting korean that my stomach was in pain. she looked at my yuzu cha and nodded. she knew a little english so it wasn't all that bad. then she asked me if the smell made me happy. i could only nod, smiling back at her. i was really contented to sit there all day long, drinking yuzu and smelling coffee. she asked how i liked my coffee.

"americano."

"with sugar?"

"with no sugar."

she nodded with her own grandmotherly smile and returned her attention back to her coffee.

i wasn't paying much attention after a while. because suddenly, she wasn't behind the counter but in front of me. she set a pretty china cup in front of me, half-filled with black coffee. then she said, "no milk. no sugar. best way to drink coffee."

i asked her in korean how much the americano was as we had already made payment for our other drinks. she shook her head. "Free," came her reply in english.

my stomach was miserable and i was nursing such a giddy head. i could feel the tears stinging. but here was a stranger. someone i had met for 30 min at most. offering me a drink. simply because I wasn't well and loved coffee. i swear i'm not kidding when i felt like i was going to cry.

i took a sip of the warm black drink. it was glorious. my stomach didn't agree with it but my tastebuds adored it. it was absolutely fresh and beautiful. and it was a cup made out of love for coffee and a random fellow coffee lover. no strings attached.

i thanked her for the coffee. unfortunately, i was in no state to finish the coffee.

before we left the cafe, i asked for a photo with her. she kindly obliged. when we were looking at the photo, i thanked her again for everything. she gave me a little hug and wished me well.


it's the little things that keep me going when i want to shoot people's heads out to check if they even have a brain. sigh. keep remembering. keep holding on.