It's annoying.. i've been gettting weird comments... but i don't wanna delete the "comments" link. so i've relegated to moderating my comments and deleting nonsensical ones. and i would like a new template too.. so tempted to not study and do up a pretty template to relieve stress.. but i digress from my motive today.. revert.. revert...


at times, i really don't need that additional stress..

i don't feel terribly stressed 'cos it's been accumulating even before school started.. things that snowball really slowly are harder to detect 'cos your system just adapts to it easily. but when your prof can tell that you are stressed just by looking at you, it has to account for smth. so when prof tay pointed it out to me, i smiled back weakly. when i tell people my schedule, they think it's crazy when i run from meeting to meeting, from class to class..

and yet i don't feel it. i haven't had "moments" since the mid-week break.

"moments"?

yea. "moments" are what i call times when i have difficulty breathing. disclaimer, i do not have asthma. but there are times when i just find it hard to breathe and my whole chest constricts. after a while, the long painful deep breaths give me a throbbing headache where all i can do is to sit and close my eyes 'cos the dancing black and gray spots make me giddy. and i'm just praying for the headache and "moment" to go away. i cannot lie down 'cos it worsens the whole thing.

right now, i guess there's a really thin line between crashing and staying alive for me. i'm merely hanging by the thread and yet people threaten to cut my lifeline over and over again. when they snip it, i throw a thinner one to hoist myself up. but i'm going to run out of lifelines soon. i am going to crash and burn.

i've been to the edge and back abt twice i think... the first time, i was so stressed, i semi passed out.. then had a falling sensation. and i cldn't shake out of it. i just kept falling. when i finally shook out of it, i was lying on the bed in cold sweat. being young (i was only in primary school), i burst into tears.

the second time was in smu, during corp reporting class. there was a sudden pain in my chest and i couldn't breathe properly. my lungs tightened and i cldn't even take slow deep breaths which just made me panic. my head was giddy and i couldn't sit up straight as the pain seized my shoulders. i remember staring at jane who was pretty worried. i cldn't even take a sip of the water and my eyes were all teary.

and i've broken down once. where i sobbed until i was hiccuping away and couldn't breathe properly. my older sis was so worried 'cos she could see the vein at my temple. it was throbbing so badly that i cried even harder.. that night, i realized that there is such a thing as tearless crying. and it's an awful feeling 'cos your chest just tightens with each tearless sob.

so i really don't need additional stress. unless you're keen to see me in the hospital, then bring it on. actually, it may do me good. why don't people just knock me out permanently?