Ci'en's wedding was a blast. left with aching feet and no voice but it was amazing. 'cept when my dear CFers decided to call on me during the bouquet throwing session. it whacked steph (i lurve you dear! *muackz*). still, the teases didn't stop. i had threats to have the next bouquet connected to me by strings or velcroed to me.

all in good fun. plus i gotta see friends who i had not met for really long. Hon, Des, Vic, Kelly, Sau, Serene, Bok, Fred... and managed to steal some time to sit and talk to ben. it was nice.. but then our conversation got me thinking...

I don't want to grow old alone.

i know i won't be alone. i have my family. i have my friends. even if i lose all these, i have God. but.. there was this fear that struck me. I was wary of growing old without that inkling of what it meant to be in a relationship or even to go on a date. i am ok with dying single. i'm just fearful of what it may bring. loneliness when i see my friends with that special someone? i don't know.

God's sufficient, isn't He? perhaps i'm asking for too much. i'm just looking for that physical intimacy and assurance of someone loving me as much i love him. all part of being human, part of being someone who wants to experience what it means to be in a relationship of husband and wife, just as Christ is our groom and us His undeserving bride. am i right to say that? there has to be some reason why when i was highly stressed, i would dream of a nameless and faceless person holding my hand, where all i knew of him was that i loved him and he loved me.

Is it part of a girl's psyche to crave that physical assurance of intimacy even with knowledge of love so strong by a formless being that is part of her life? or is it just me? i have God, don't i? but it seems hard to understand the relationship between a groom and a bride until you're one of them. just as you'll never fully understand the relationship between a parent and child unless you're one of them.

perhaps it's just me. that little voice telling me to cave and to start "looking"... but right now, as much as that little voice is getting louder as i grow older, i'm also getting more stubborn. i'm not going to go looking. i'm going to keep praying that i'll rely on Him and follow whatever He has planned for me.

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my dear family is nutters. i lost my voice yesterday. it ached to speak and there was no sound at all. yet my dad scolded me for not picking up the phone when it was ringing. i stare at him in shock. with no voice, i could not explain to him. then my even sillier brother refused to explain it to him until he got the usual death glare. then in the afternoon, my younger sister called my mobile. i gestured my younger brother to answer for me and he gave me a "what-for" look. *smacks forehead*

and our once-in-a-while wine sessions are now once or twice a month. plus we don't just sip wine anymore. we have camembert and crackers. yday, we decided to try out something new. bought a cheddar bar from the freezer section and from the cheese counter, we selected wickham brie and camembert. we've got loads of red and white wine at home and a bottle of martini. yet pops got his fave south african late harvest (during cheese shopping) despite the fact that i was pointing at the bailey's. i lurve how the warmth spreads across my body slowly and how the sweetness makes me smile.

my voice had somwhat returned when the bottle was opened. wine, cheese and crackers after dinner. i prefer the President Camembert to that from the counter. the cheddar bar was just too cheesy for my liking. i was tempted to use the philly cream spread. but with that combo, i'd start craving for smoked salmon roses. the brie is still unwrapped. likely to be there for two more weeks or earlier if pops becomes fussy and goes out to buy his South African wine again.

that's my nutty momentarily posh family for you.

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i had my second surprise bday party today. the first was organized by the dear CFers last year. this time round, it was the gym staff. we had just finished our photo shoot in the gym (many thanks to alvin) and went to the recre room for a while. the chocolate ice cream cake was amazing. i just wish that they didn't spring the surprise while i was in the middle of a race with you yuan. silly part was i nearly started singing along with them 'cos i really had no idea who the cake was for!

i appreciate their kind gesture even though the chocolate ice cream cake is likely to finish off my already dying throat. i can't possibly touch the royce chocolate they bought for me yet. plus internship starts tmr! let's see how it goes. got 4 different types of tea awaiting me.. "ba bao" (8 treasure) tea, ling yang, gingseng and chrysetheman tea and yin chiao. the throat has got to get better..