it's been a whirlwind dec camp for me.

we had the honor of having Robin teach us from Hebrews, our theme being supreme worship. Robin is a really nice guy. i had the chance to chat with him and he earnestly challenged me. gave me issues to think abt which i will touch on later. and you can see his heart for the gospel in the group chats that he has with everyone.

sure, he pokes fun at me during the talks but in ways that no one would understand unless they've heard the coversations i've had with him during the camp, be it over lunch or in a big group while sitting around. but i give thanks for the reminder of God's word through the very animated and faithful Robin.

the camp was an overall great time as always in terms of the building of Christ's church, be it thru forming tighter bonds or growing in the word. i didn't get to talk to the exco girls as much as i wld have liked to, but i got to talk to suyin, dorcas, evan and elaine a lot more than i would normally have. we were all growing in our understanding of Hebrews together. how fantastic is that?

on the downside, the issues that i've face this camp were a lot more. Robin challenged me with coming out to my Dad abt the fact that i'm Christian. by thursday morning, it overwhelmed me so much. joshua was leading songs and his second song, "heart of worship" hit me soooo badly that i started to cry. thankfully, i was sitting at the side so no one really noticed.

when joshua got to his last song "You laid aside Your majesty", i decided to step out to compose myself. but once i did, i broke down even more. James, on his way to the toilet, saw me and beckoned me to step out for a while. i shared with him the issue of my dad and really cldn't stop crying.

i'm crying because of the pressure that's on me as to whether i tell him or not. God saves by faith, doesn't He? but it's hard to find comfort with conflicting pressures from everyone. right now as i think abt it, i guess i was hoping for just someone to tell me that they've been encouraged by the tenacity.. by my passion for the gospel despite the struggle. no one has done that. and now if they do that, i'll wonder if they are merely saying it because it's on my blog..

and not because they mean it and see it in my life which would then turn out to be false to me.

when i returned to the talk by Robin, i was soo terribly distracted. things that may seem trivial to ppl do affect me very badly. it's just in my nature to be affected. i try not to affect ppl around me but i find it hard to control the impact that things have on me.

during the bbq, i struggled with whether i shld stay over or not. i wanted to go home with suyin to keep talking to her. i've heard that she felt lonely and didn't really have many friends in CF. i tried to make her feel welcomed the entire night but cldn't decide on staying. so out of playfulness, i asked gabe to make the decision for me. he told me to stay for the night.

yet, i struggled with staying as i watched and spoke to suyin. when i went to the rooms to look for felicia, i found fel with lydia. rather quickly, esther ran up looking for lydia because "(lydia's) friend" was just there.. and immediately, i decided to go home with suyin. so i packed my bags.

when it was time to go, everyone else kicked up a big fuss. whether they meant it or out of childish ribbing, it affected me badly. david tried to take my bag out of the car and get me out of the car. dennis started squirting water at the car. and the worst part, i thought i heard them use the title of "vice president" against me. at that split second, i was struck by a thought.

"if being vice president meant staying all the way during the camp with ppl that i'm familiar with and not leaving with ppl who might need a friend or two a little more... i will give up my leadership position. as vice president and as an assistant group leader. to just be a normal member."

and while we laughed in the car after that, the guilt ate me up so quickly that by the time i reached the mrt, i was writhing inside, dying away that it was sooo hard to please everyone. was i pleasing God by leaving the rest at the chalet while i went home with suyin? i smiled and acted normal but inside me was more turmoil added to the morning's problem. (btw, i'm still convinced by my thought.. that if my man-created position is a distraction from doing what i discern is wisest for the ministry in the gospel's perspective, i will give up that position.. be it a job or even a title in the ministry like vice president.)

when suyin got off at the stop before mine, gabriel asked her if she would be going for the christmas party, she said she would try to make it. when i had asked her during the bbq before i talked to her more, she just smiled politely at me without really answering. seeing her warm up a lot more made me really glad. i immediately smsed fel who then provided me with another bit of good news with regards to the smth else we've both been concern abt. i smsed steph my good news and told her to pray for it all.

i had to call dennis. he had put in sooo much effort and sacrificed so much. but he didn't pick up the phone so i left a "missed call". when he called back later, i was unable to thank him properly because he told me not to do so.. and the reason he gave affected me. after hearing his reason for me to not thank him, i thanked him anyway. his reason had nothing to do with why i wanted to thank him.

but once i put down the phone, i burst into tears. the whole day of accumulated issues that may seem small affected me really badly. like i said, it's just my character. i took a shower in hopes of calming myself down so that i would be able to rest for the night.. but it didn't work. so i shared it with da ge, hoping that getting it off my chest would ease it a little. instead, i cried again, terribly awake from the overload.

i'm an absolute emotional nut. and i'm not ashamed of it. as long as i don't affect the ppl around me and as long as ppl know that it's just my character.. i'm praying that writing all this on my blog will allow ppl to not panic when i suddenly break down and also that they will realized even things that are done in jest and without ill-intention does kill me.

so don't bring me down or make me feel bad then tell me that you "didn't mean it". 'cos you can convince me until the cows come home and go out again, i will be affected by it because i know that there is a probability of the fact that i'm an absolute ass and disgrace to the ministry being true. conversely, if you are really upset with me, don't get even more upset because i break down. it's my own personal coping mechanism when i'm very very affected by smth.

i need rest. really.