been thru quite a couple of downs since the year began. from my stupid wrist injury to falling ill constantly. that put me out of action for 1 whole month. i've lost my tan and been having probs with sleeping. headaches have become more frequent.

it's just strange to have something so part of your routine that you actually enjoy so you can't help feeling lost when you stop doing it. i crave exercise. just the sweat, aching muscles, internal burn of the latic acid, and adrenaline still gushing thru me. so when i was out for that month, i just spiralled downwards. not fun, i swear.

i'm at a time where i'm easily fatigued and a little lower on blood than usual. even squatting down on the floor for more than 5 minutes sends a giddy rush to my head when i stand. so after the beep test last night, after failing at the 7'5 mark, i stopped to catch my breath. and saw black.

it was for a spilt second. nothing uncommon for me really. but it took nearly 8 minutes before i wasn't as giddy anymore. it was most uncomfortable to feel cold air rushing into my body that was burning and i was honestly reluctant to breathe. that's it. i'm buying iron tablets even though mom says that they'll cause constipation. i eat my fruits and vegs so it shldn't be a prob. i don't intend on fainting while working out. one thing i've learnt in my life... things that i really enjoy don't come easy.

the craving to dragonboat: my parents are against it. my father even attributed my hairline crack to my training. i was so frus with him that i glared at him when i told him that my fall had nothing to do with training. i'm just tired of how they think of ways to get me to quit.

the desire to further my studies in law: i did ask them abt continuing in SMU. just 1.5 more years. i know i can clear my law courses. they'd rather i start working. i take all these law courses when my timetable allows. even then, i get complaints about taking useless courses. is it so hard to see that sometimes decisions don't have to be "for a better future"? what about a "happier today"? do they even realize that their decisions are affecting me adversely? i want not the materialistic gains but the simple geeky joy i get from reading a 200 page article written by my dear prof.

i'm such a nerd that i think our law journals in the lib are such an asset. thank you, thank you very much.

the passion to serve God: how i long to have people around me who can help me grow by constantly challenging my thinking because they are sharper than me. is it then selfish to crave the company of people sharper than me? i love to help people out, i really do. but there are just times where i wish i was on the receiving end of knowledge like i was in year 1 and 2.

it's not my christian brothers and sisters who are stopping me from serving God. they give me ample chance to. when i hang out with them, be it during buffets or bible studies or talks that go on late into the night. when i see the fire in them to want to learn and ability to step out of their comfort zones to hear things that aren't terribly pleasing to the ears of fallen man, it delights me to help them because i want to give as much as i've received in my early years. i give thanks for all of them.

but it's my parents. i just wish that i could come clean with my dad and start going to church. to be surrounded by evangelical christians who want nothing more than to read God's word to see what He's saying to us. i'm no holy moley person. but i see how fallen and depraved i can be. that's why God's such a big part of me. He gives me worth to live for tomorrow, knowing that it's another day of His goodness in my life.

i don't hate my parents. i love them. funnily enough, i thank them for the persecution at home because it makes the fight to grow in God's word even more eventful because i actually understand suffering. it's not the physical suffering and persecution that a lot of ppl get. it's the emotional and mental persecution that has made me stronger and all the more keener to learn what He has given me and promised me.

i honestly started this blog with the intention of letting out steam. guess what? i'm ending it off, realizing how blessed i am with God at the helm. that He puts everything into perspective for me. that He finds little ways of making everything tiring seem joyous. the family in SMU Dragonz and SMUCF, the friendly law profs, the fight to continue doing what i enjoy with God in the center of it all. now if that isn't enough encouragement, i don't know what is.
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side note: i've shared some thoughts on r/s with 2 ppl. the idea that i need someone who's sharper than me theologically. if not, he's not gonna be able to lead me in the growing of the Word. their response?

one said that it might be a little too selfish to think of my growth.

the other says that he/she wldn't call it as "selfish-ness" but would say that i'm too optimisstic, i.e. it'll be hard for me to find such a person given my current state of church involvement.

single then single lorh. haiz. dun need to think so much, i guess. ahahahahahahahaha