another rough patch, accompanied with the usual thunderstorm, lightning and inconsiderate cars splashing water on you as they drive past really quickly. a whole month of three different states of insomnia ain't peachy too. you're still physically tired, mentally exhausted and emotionally drained.

it is absolutely miserable when you just miss the people* you care about.

so when that overwhelming feeling was released in prob the most apt moment, i paused in the dead of the night, standing by the road, drenched and make-up ruined from rain or tears (i cldn't tell by then) 'cos the damn umbrella is just plain pointless in the storm.

and i thanked Him.

that even in this shit, He provides relief in small familiar ways. i still remember the childish joy i got from running and playing in the rain. literally dancing too. and whenever something got too big for me, i cried. it's a natural reaction to pain. your nerves and brain still tell you that what's hurting you is still there. but crying acknowledges that you're hurt. simple acknowledgement provides relief that denial can never.

so in that weirdass combination of rain and tears, i found relief. impeccable timing on His part?

I promise you, I'm always there

when your heart is filled with sadness and despair

I'll carry you when you need a friend

you'll find My footprints in the sand

- Leona Lewis "Footprints in the sand"

sometimes all we need is a little reminder of the Big Guy watching over you. i've found His footprints after crawling blindly.

**********

*i didn't intend to post anything tonight. but i just wanted to thank the random people who might have prayed for me or thought of praying for me throughout my month of insomnia. whether to God or their own religious figures.

i appreciate the fact that you thought of me.

strangely, it's the NC peeps who seem to care more. they do regular checks. and when i sent a simple sms the other day, gratitude smses came in bundles. and they seem to remember bits of my life more. like i'd get smses that make me think, "omigosh, they remembered that i was gonna scrub the toilet this weekend?"

not a case of we-see-each-other-24/7/365. hardly, in fact. i rarely see them nowadays. but they know more abt my current life than others. i don't intentionally withhold info from others. it's just.. when something happens to me, i just feel like they'd be there for me more. and they show their care. i never have to assume that they care. i know it. i see it.

to be honest, i never expected these people to care so much. i never expected to be so crazily in love with them. of course they have their piss-me-off moments. but it's ever so rare. i appreciate little things like no last-minute notices. if they know the situation may warrant a last-min notice, they let me know of that beforehand. it's these little things which make me know that they care.

i don't agree with their take on life most times. how they chose to live a life of rebellion. but it touches me that they seem to live rightly, more "rightly" than others, even me at times.

it's like the "Trouble waking up the next day after a heavy night of drinks? Pepp keeps you fresh and alert" advertisement on an insomia-affected girl's facebook wall. Dead irony. sigh.