First church camp and so many thoughts...

Why do I do the things I do? To look good for men? To boost my ego? Why do I try to please others? To be favored? To be seen as good in their eyes and gain the approval of others? Why do I work? Why do I play? To find pride in my own works?

Worse of all, do I use God's commands the way the Pharisees do... To elevate myself on a pedestal when I do them well and attain favor of others and my own pride? Do I lie to myself and come up with excuses to vindicate myself? Excuses that are so normal in the eyes of the world but go against the merciful, gracious, loving, just God?

I reflected and thanked God for His hand in all things that I haven't taken anyone down. That I have been honestly happy for others, even those people expect me to badmouth. That I have not thought mean things of those that people tell me they deserve.

But D issued a stronger challenge. That it wasn't enough to be rejoice and weep with those we don't want to do those things with. But even more, we had to correct and rebuke in love because that's what loving Christians do for other Christians. He then told the congregation that he hatec rebuking us but that was how the Bible taught us to love. To rebuke, correct, and encourage with Scriptures.

But when relationships go sour... How do you fix something others don't want fixing? How do you correct and rebuke when the other person thinks he/she was right and had never erred or done wrong to you... That their behavoir to you was warranted because of your own awful attitude? How do you take that first step to tell them that they hurt you and were the reasons for your anxiety attacks and dread of the working environment?


Praying. Praying so hard for peace in these matters.


Yet at the same time, I found myself being incredibly grateful for deepening of friendships during the camp, and new ones formed... Of sincere younger friends who remember little things about me that I don't even expect close friends to remember... Of these new younger friends who look at me as if I need protecting and looking out for, not because of anything I have said to them, but simply because they think that's what Christians should do.

In trials, God is good. In much joy and happiness, God is merciful. To look upon such a wretched sinner such as me and call me home to His kingdom where I am no longer lost.


Praying.. Still praying..