I know my posts have been a little darker but i need the reminders i give myself here...

The one night I nearly OD'ed, I prayed, dug nails into flesh, hyperventilated, and cried myself into a dry heaving headache before I caved and texted friends in the wee hours after midnight to plead for prayers.

Obviously I fought that to be still writing this today.

But when I think back on it, it wasn't really that I was fighting to live. I mean, I questioned my existence on an hourly basis. I wasn't thinking of living.

But Carrie Fisher helped me understand those thoughts better now.

I wasn't thinking of living. But I wasn't thinking of dying either.

So that night of the exceptionally bad attack, I fought not because I wanted to live. I fought because I didn't want to die that night out of convenience.

That said, if I had planed it... if I had detailed it and arranged for it, I'm not even sure I would be posting this now. I lived because I never meant for myself to die in the middle of an attack.

When I first told L about it, she reminded me gently that I had beaten depression before. She believed that I could be strong enough to fight it again. Not "would". But "could". There was no pressure on my will but encouragement based on my capabilities.

And so I'm logging this down to remind myself that if it happens again.. if I fall into darkness again.. There is also a chance that I will recover again too. And that is one hope I'll cling to with His watchful eye and guiding hand in my life. So remember.