Yesterday after scolding me about my grab bike experiences in BKK, the pseudo father asked me if I was really okay with attending the work event happening today. I dismissed his concerns with an assurance that it was behind me and a thing of the past.

Yet this morning as I got ready, part of me was filled with a familiar dread. I steadied the breath and prepped with a prayer. On the way there, my mind worked out a million and one ways of backing out.

When I reached, it was awkwardly familiar yet strange. Conversations were had and I was glad for them.

Thinking of what the "father" said, I don't think it's me being a bigger person. Sure, that environment was a trigger (not in the dumbass millennial sense). Sure, the meds were awful and my emotional and mental being were in a mess. The spaceyness and nausea and constant out of body voidness weren't fun. But that was 2 years ago.

I haven't forgotten it. But I'm letting that change me and transform me. If I let it go and pretend that it didn't happen, how I react and respond to other moments in my life would be different too.

And I'm sure I don't want that.

I'm grateful for the time and memories, good and bad. They remind me of how good God is. They challenge me to respond to His love in a way He desires, not how the world "naturally" would.

So I'm not running away. I'm not cutting people out of my life. I'm not erasing anything and pretending that that one year of my life didn't exist.

The door to be part of my life is always open. My heart will just have to be kinder and gentler and stronger to deal with it. And I'm glad to see people wanting to enter again. I am not looking for apologies. But as these people come back to my life, I'll accommodate them and love them the way God demands me to. Unconditionally.

And it's okay. Cos if God can see me through my depression on both occasions, I know He will see me through anything.