as i continue to search out a house, i keep thinking of ways to make the house mine. to make it feel like a home.

i want to put my touches to it. to make it somewhere i can stare at and think, "this is mine. i made it mine."

so from trying to figure out what kind of a layout or decor i want.. to ideas of a mini wine cooler by the TV and two island trolleys (one for snacks, one for drinks).. how to best fit groups of people.. how everything in the kitchen must be ideal for cooking.. it all just points to one thing.

i want to host.

i want to fill the house with memories of friends talking over meals, laughing over shows, confiding over drinks.

beyond the DIY, it's the hosting and memories that make my place mine.


i can't wait. ^-^

stories of my uni.


a student got an A for a class. he wrote the prof an email, asking why he did not get an A+. the prof explained why. the student then emailed the head of the faculty to say that the prof had something against him. the head said that it's the discretion of the faculty to grade students.

so the student emailed the prof about the 'flawed' structure and said that he was going to write to his MP and to the press. after a month, the faculty requested the prof to review the grades.

the prof decided to grade the student more fairly. the student got a B.

the student naturally got pissed off so the matter went all the way to the president of the university. the president stood by the prof's assessment of the student and said it was not their place to interfere.

how do i know? i came to know about the story through the prof. and this prof is unabashedly honest and one of the most believable guy i've known. doesn't help that i know what he's capable of.. being overly nice to people then brutally honest when they deserve him.


even if it were mere exaggerations or story-telling to make his already exciting life even more exciting…


it's an awesome story nevertheless.

restless weekend until Sunday came. too many dreams or nightmares that are too vivid. i even remember them.

especially the one where the rain woke me up from.

i was going to get married. not to some faceless guy. to someone i knew. someone whom i know marriage to is not an option in real life. not that it matters now.

even within the dream, there was an eerie unsettling sense of foreboding. i remember the conflicting thoughts. then after a friend, an ex-colleague, checks in on me, the friend hands me a cigar, telling me to go relax and think about it more.

i walk to an empty carpark. i light up. i tell myself not to inhale completely, taking a drag of the cigar and keeping it in my mouth while still breathing through my nose. the woody smokiness circles my mouth like a double scotch without the drying burn and i blow the cigar smoke out through my mouth, taking care to not let it into my lungs.

i look up and see another friend. another ex-colleague. he knows i'm struggling. we talk for a while. i ask him how he knew it was time for him to propose to his gf, a girl whom i consider a dear friend both in my dream and in real life. the lines between dream and reality were blurring.

he said he knew when he realized she made him a better person. on hindsight after finishing "Mocking Jay" on Sunday, it's like Gale telling Peeta that Katniss will choose the guy she needs to help her survive. Katniss needed hope.

my dream reflects me. i need hope. i need someone who loves me. i need someone who understands how to love me. i need someone who'll love God more than he'll love me 'cos only then will he understand that i'll always love God more than i'll love him. only then will i be made a better person. only then will i survive.

i thank the friend for his help. i snuff out the almost finished cigar. i walk away from the friend, full knowing that i'm going to walk away from the marriage as well.

as i walk, my shoulders are lighter. i'm smiling. i'm relaxed. the sense of foreboding fades.

the rain wakes me up by pounding outside. i stare at the rain in the morning sunlight. i feel it almost like it's a fresh start with the new sunlight pouring through my window as the rain washes away everything else. i am still tired from interrupted sleep as i close the windows. snuggling back to bed, i sigh.

i know i started dreaming the time my head hit the pillow, flitting from one dream to another. but the dreams are lighter. funnier.

even now, i'm still tired from all the dreaming and interrupted sleep. too many things to think about with life and work piling up. but i'm pretty sure i'll work through each subconsciousness. somehow.

i remember the first time i cried and prayed 15 years ago.

i remember the first (and last) time i dropped the blade and prayed 13 years ago.

i remember the first time i questioned His validity 6 years ago.

i remember the first time i decided He was a hope to cling to 5 years ago.

i remember the first time i was shaken in my faith 4 years ago.


and he's right there with me. whether i notice or not. always.

today, i remember the Jew who bled and died on the cross in my place as an atonement for my sins, to rise on the third day of his death to tell me that if he could conquer the grave, what more could he do for me?

nothing more. that's all i really needed from him. to set me right. to give me hope. a little reason to believe that this life is worth living even when everything's in a mess. i do not question why he doesn't help others. i give thanks that he chose me right from the start. there's still so much more to learn. so much more to question. so much more to discover.

may i always remember to give thanks.

on the bus home the other day when i heard a male voice behind me punctuating his sentences with the f-word. he wasn't soft either, considering the fact that i could hear him over my music.

i turned around and frowned, expecting to see a young kid and hoping to quieten him down with my frown. there are plenty of schools at where i work.

it was one of them yuppies talking to a chick.

seriously? did you just discover the word? if not, why are you acting like a 2 year old that's found a new word and repeating it like mad? or why act like a 14 year old in all feeble attempts to look like a bad-ass by using the word loudly and repeatedly in public?

i understand using the word when the situation calls for it. like when you're surrounded by incompetent fools and have to redo all their work until 2 am repeatedly simply because your ethics and moral code doesn't allow you to let your clients be the recipient of awful work.

but when talking about lunch? unless you married the yong tau foo and it decided to have an affair with the bubble tea within minutes of your consummation of the marriage... if not, no. you're an adult. give that word a little more credit.

and if you're going to be talking to a girl, whether she's your "brudder" or your girlfriend, show her a little more respect by not using crude language unnecessarily. and it's not a period. nor a comma.


not cool, bro. really not cool.

was at the botanic gardens station on wed night to top up my ezlink card

as i turned to head towards the bus stop, i saw a couple staring at the ticket machine.

i did what i'd usually do.


turned out the couple was trying to figure out how to get to NTU from the mrt map. NTU is obviously not there. showing them the nearest train station, i paused for a while. then i cancelled the transaction.

"it may be the nearest station but i'm not sure how easy it is to get to NTU from there. there's another way. you stop 2 stations earlier. the interchange has buses that go into the university."

i showed them how to purchase the ticket and how to get their $1 deposit back when they reach their destination. before i left them, i reminded them to look out for Buona Vista station to change from the Circle Line to the East West Line.

as i headed to the bus stop, i stopped in my tracks and wanted to look for the couple again.

seriously, what's there to do at NTU at night??

i just helped a couple go to the ulu-est of ulu.


i hope the couple met people who told them to spend time at Jurong Point instead. or that the couple had a real reason to go and make their trip worth. ugh. too many boo boos.

earworm of the mo'



the music is insanely catchy. probably one of the best dance songs of the year and it's only March. 2pm still has time to release something to blow my mind. D.Guetta has nothing on the pop/R&B dance songs that kpop churns out. SNSD's "the boys" has undertones of the western dance music for obvious reasons... but Fantastic Baby is pure kpop beauty. just like their "Ain't No Fun", "Strong Baby" and "Lies".

which is why BigBang won the first ever Best Worldwide Act during the MTV Europe Music Awards 2011, beating the likes of Jay Chou and Britney Spears.

which is why people all over the world are raving about BigBang's return to the music scene.

or why Pixie Lott decided to use GDragon and TOP for a song.


oh frivolous entertainment, you get better each day as i listen to more k-radio or watch more stitch-inducing parodies or variety shows. this is asian level ^.^

I cannot and, hence, will not accept that life is based purely on chances.

If it's purely by chance and a mere coincidence that the water cycle is the way it is...

If it's purely by chance and a mere coincidence that life cycle is the way it is...

If it's purely by chance and a mere coincidence that the big bang theory is the way it is...

If it's purely by chance and a mere coincidence that evolution is the way it is...


Science explains how things happen. The beauty of the mechanism. But it can never explain the reason for it happening. Why water evaporates. Why it boils at 100C. Why there is 21% of oxygen in our atmosphere.


To attribute it to chance or ignorance or simply coincidence?


Then how do you define emotions? What is fear? What is hatred? What is joy? Anger?

All just emotions that can be described but with no basis except chance and coincidence or something that happens for no reason?

No reason for feelings. No reason behind why we are engineered to feel fear, hatred, joy or anger. what triggers what? a mere coincidence that being face to face with a predator sends triggers to your mind and causes fear?


What about love?


No reason for it. Perhaps then there is no reason to have it. after all, why pursue something with no inherent meaning other than artificial importance assigned to it by a being that was created by coincidence? logical, ain't it?

I don't think I'd like that very much.

I don't understand why God wills for certain things to happen or why He makes the world work the way it does. Or why He chose to confound by starting and ending the Bible with poetic hebrew imagery literature. But at least I know He had a reason for it. I may not fully comprehend it. I don't know.

"For who knows a person's thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God." - 1 Cor 2:11

Then let me be the illogical senseless fool who is trying to understand the meaning behind things and assigning reason to life than to have no meaning at all.

taiwan was mad and mellow fun all at the same time. the insane chomping down on food along the streets we roamed... R and I getting ourselves lost and embracing that feeling of not knowing where we were. S being so incredibly sick that she would wake R up each night with her coughing 'cos he was such a light sleeper. me being dead to the world 'cos my fatigue.

all the HTHT late in the night as we laid under the covers, away from home.

of course the HTHT was for R as he struggled with bgr issues (as do many of us).

we spoke and it made me remember how different girls and guys are.

it's not our fault that we run and hide when we're trying to reject someone. it's our defense mechanism. beyond that, it's how we avoid contact so the guy will stop thinking about us and realize that it's all futile and that they will move on. of course R explained that it just makes him confused and want to hang in there. perseverance should win right?

unfortunately, no. in fact, it will annoy the girl. i tried my best to explain it to him that it's going to take a lot for a girl to change her mind after she's chosen to run and avoid. and that he'd probably end up pissing her off by still being there for her. she runs 'cos she wants to get away.

then he lapsed into emo-mode. =.=

regardless, it was an enlightening moment for us all as we got to know one another better, through the bedtime talks, beer, food-hunting, mindless walking and staring down at the county from the hilltop. a fun trio to travel with especially when they let me run off alone at times. don't mind another trip with the two insane travel-buddies. ^.^

it's not even Feb and i've been to the doctor's 4 times. none for common symptoms like flu or cough or colds...

first two were inflamed lymph nodes and blood tests.. then there was food poisoning... and finally a burst blood vessel in my right eye.

i'm such a liability to have in any company. as if my surgery at K wasn't expensive enough, i'm making full use of my medical insurance at S without a doubt.

i cannot be more of a tiresome burden.

being sick is really quite a crummy feeling. dear cheerios, why u no make me happy?

coupled with being gas-sy (yes, it's gross. i'm sick!) and bloated, i am almost constantly hungry. food is being digested at a crazy speed. too much gas.

to top it off, i've been waking up in the middle of the night. i do go back to sleep quickly but the disruptions are insane. and i'm left tired the next day.

i need a break. Taiwan couldn't come sooner.

so aisec had a roadshow today about problem gambling. if you allow yourself to be put through a typical gambling-is-a-problem lecture and 3 short games, you earn yourself a popcorn and/or cotton candy.

i always have a soft spot for cotton candy. so i decided to go ahead with it. the speech was boring 'cos i really could just read off the boards. then the games were all about chance. of course, it's a gambling roadshow and anyway, all games ARE about chance.

the last game required me to stand at a particular spot and lobe a tennis ball into a drinking cup. i stood at the spot, extended my arm, leaned over, and dropped the ball into the cup easily. at this point, i was thinking of a certain Mr Ok and his cheat-my-way-through-everything methods. then the guy taking me through the stations and games looked at me, "You can't do that."

aegyo-mode kicked in. i looked at him, widen my eyes in mock-shock, "oh? cannot? i'm sorry! really cannot?"

he coughed and turned away. i blame the high ponytail and the gray owl hoodie. they make me feel like i can act cute and get away with murder.

later the guy said that he could teach me how to twirl my own cotton candy. i looked up at him, instinctively on aegyo-mode again, "but i will make a mess of it. there's going to be sugar everywhere and no cotton candy. *insert sad little girl face* can you please help me just make a small one?"

he coughed softly this time, looked away for a second before looking up to call for his friend to make one for me.

i'm too annoying. ^.^