I finally told a close friend. About all the frustrations. With people and with myself. With my anger, sadness, tiredness, pettiness.. Frustrated with people. Frustrated with being frustrated by people.

He calls us to love not because we are loved. But because He first loved us. People so small and insignificant. But He chose us to manifest His image. We didn't decide to be relational people. He made us that way.

Then my friend agreed with my frustrations and said, "i would like to think that we are humans and we have emotions."

Reminds of what a really good friend said back in 2006. It's not our ungodliness that makes us struggle, it's our godliness that brings the struggles. If we chose to continue in rebellion, why would loving others before ourselves even at our inconvenience be important? Why would we care for people? He asked, "if you didn't care for what God thought of you and for living out His will, why then would you feel conflicted right now?"

I can't believe i forgot all that. In my eagerness to strive to be like Him, i forget that i'm only human.

Being human doesn't give me the rights to sin. Being human means that i will struggle and conflict with myself if I lived for Him. So i embrace my imperfections.

I let my conflicts remind me that He's real enough for me to worry about being petty, feeling small, and unloved. I let my struggles remind me that i haven't fully and will have to keep on trusting in Him. And i will remember to keep walking. To keep changing.

To realize that i can be the world's biggest asshole at times and i'm not better than those who hurt me time and time again.

 And i will remember the good and bad times. The sisters who have stood by me. The brothers who have held my hand and let me cry before bringing me back to reality. The haters who made me stronger. The people who have frustrated me.

And i will hold my head high and learn from it all. I'm still confident. I'm still sure that i'll get by each day and trial slowly and surely, alone or alongside someone. I will live life for what it's worth.

had a conversation with a colleague about the common mistakes people make.

like how everyone says "Botanical Gardens" when it's obviously the "Botanic Gardens" in singapore.  he remarked, "but everyone calls it Botanical Gardens.."

i looked at him, "many people calling it wrongly doesn't make it right. it just means that many people are wrong."

like how the word "irregardless" is now an acceptable word in the dictionary. it appalls me to know that the English language has been almost disregarded. how very unfortunate.

a fact is not thrown out of the window just because many people get it wrong. it is a fact that the lovely greenery along Bukit Timah is called Botanic Gardens. "Botanical Gardens" is just wrong regardless of the number of people who use that term. it is one thing to have an opinion. but it's just fallacious to decide what is wrong and right based on population when facts are staring at you in the face.

i thought about it a little more. too often do people take facts and throw them out of the window based on majority. to take something a little more contentious. evolution.

evolution is a fact of life. you don't say it doesn't exist simply because the people around you say so. there are facts and studies that point to it. we see it happening in the animal. we see how our bodies mature and adapt in little ways. it is evolution and it is proven by science to exists.


then it takes me to the next point of the most stupid thing people fight about. to have an open-minded debate is one thing. to fight thoughtlessly is another.


science explains how things happen. it explains that if two hydrogen ions form covalent bonds with a single oxygen ion, a water molecule is formed. but what science cannot do is to explain why it must be two hydrogen ions and one oxygen ion.

two possible opinions: you either hold the opinion that an intelligent design is in place to make things work or you hold the opinion that things cannot always be explained.

i choose the former.  and i will keep on exploring facts to frame my opinions instead of taking the opinion of others and ignoring facts that already exist.

facts like:

ruins in egyptian show that King Ramese had a brother who was exiled because he was not Egyptian.. the death of firstborns of Hebrews commanded by King Ramese when he came into power.. the unexplained destruction of a large part of his army in the desert which was decorated as a war sacrifice..

articles of a man by the name of Jesus who was crucified by the Jews for the crime of claiming he was God written by no less than a Roman scribe who was reporting to Rome on the life in Jerusalem.. a tomb found of a man called James, who was also marked as "the brother of Jesus"..

the Roman history that speak of a high priest called Caiphas who lived during the time of the Jesus' crucifixion.. a respected official by the name of Nicodemus who was lived the area of Jerusalem.. Pilate, the man who stood during the time and period of the crucifixion of a man who claimed he was the Son of God.

historical facts. etched into temple pillars by the Egyptians who didn't care for Prince Moses who was written into oblivion after his exile from the Egyptian nation. scribed in letters and books to the Capital city by Romans cared nothing for Jesus and only cared about reporting news was because they had their own gods..



And there are so many opinions out there waiting to be validated or proved wrong by facts unknown yet. i really can't wait to find out more. i seriously think of the weirdest stuff in the gym shower.

my imagination is not what it used to be. i can't put myself in the right frame of mind to write anymore. everything i write.. stories.. poems.. songs.. everything feels forced. feels fake. i can't even get past the first para or verse.

no sense of love. no sense of heartbreak. no anger. no joy. no angst.

i'm just one walking emotionless blank slate when it comes to writing.

it's not that i don't feel. i still get that slight skip of a heartbeat with the right guy singing the right song. my heart still melts at the sight of the sweet things i witness. my heart still aches and i still cry when i watch sad shows.

and i still have moments of feeling used, abused, and taken for granted by people whom i think care for me, only to realize that perhaps i'm not as important and i had hoped to be. and the whole struggle of trying to be Godly and considering them first before myself still and loving them without asking for love in return leaves that choking feeling in the throat and sick dullness in the stomach.

i still laugh. i still swoon. i still hurt. i still cry.

but that pen is just not doing anything on the paper.

time to stop writing.

Sometimes, it's better to pretend that it was only just a dream. Rather than to ask and know if everything was a lie and just a show, it really is better to pretend that it was just a dream.

life is as bad as you make it out to be.

you can choose to sulk your way through as you live it out. or you just let it go and not let the negativity get to you.

it's really not a new revelation. but just reminded of it during my 20min dash through Narita airport to get from one delayed flight to another that was delayed thanks to the first one.

i could have chosen to be pissed off with Delta for grounding me for one hour in Detriot. I could have panicked about missing my flight. i could have sulked my way while running through Narita to catch a flight or feel miserable about missing a flight.

why would i want such negative aura in my life? it's just too tiring.

of course i was pissed off at first. but taking a minute to calm my nerves down, i realized that if i miss my flight, i'd just have more time in Narita airport and the later flight would be paid for by Delta anyway. i had my credit card and laptop, all i needed would be just to find my checked in bag. when i reached Narita, i had 20 mins to catch my next flight. no biggie. just brisk walked through the airport and took in whatever sights i could. it's out of my control so there's no point with getting upset, right?

in the end, i found 5 seconds to pause at the bridge to capture the sunset.

so what if it sounded like a stressful birthday alone?

there are times where one's just got to keep calm and carry on, even when it makes no sense to. even if there are so many reasons to get pissed with the world. but what good does that do?

as I hopped into the chrysler taxi at the airport to head home, i watched the night roll by outside. turning back to my phone, i took another look at the sunset at Narita airport. even in moments when there are so many moments that sound stressful or awful, He finds a way to remind me that it'll work out in ways i don't understand and don't usually expect.


a year older; a year wiser; a year of understanding Him more and falling more in love with God.

so of the frivolous english dance music i like, it's usually LMFAO, Dev and the Cataracs and Far East Movement for me. insane beats.

so when LMFAO posted this on their official facebook page (as reported by allkpop.com), i was, well, pleasantly surprised.

image taken from allkpop

most people would already know how Party Rock Anthem sounds like, given the amazing number of times it's overplayed. presenting to you, GD & Top's High High. Enjoy. ^^

as i continue to search out a house, i keep thinking of ways to make the house mine. to make it feel like a home.

i want to put my touches to it. to make it somewhere i can stare at and think, "this is mine. i made it mine."

so from trying to figure out what kind of a layout or decor i want.. to ideas of a mini wine cooler by the TV and two island trolleys (one for snacks, one for drinks).. how to best fit groups of people.. how everything in the kitchen must be ideal for cooking.. it all just points to one thing.

i want to host.

i want to fill the house with memories of friends talking over meals, laughing over shows, confiding over drinks.

beyond the DIY, it's the hosting and memories that make my place mine.


i can't wait. ^-^

stories of my uni.


a student got an A for a class. he wrote the prof an email, asking why he did not get an A+. the prof explained why. the student then emailed the head of the faculty to say that the prof had something against him. the head said that it's the discretion of the faculty to grade students.

so the student emailed the prof about the 'flawed' structure and said that he was going to write to his MP and to the press. after a month, the faculty requested the prof to review the grades.

the prof decided to grade the student more fairly. the student got a B.

the student naturally got pissed off so the matter went all the way to the president of the university. the president stood by the prof's assessment of the student and said it was not their place to interfere.

how do i know? i came to know about the story through the prof. and this prof is unabashedly honest and one of the most believable guy i've known. doesn't help that i know what he's capable of.. being overly nice to people then brutally honest when they deserve him.


even if it were mere exaggerations or story-telling to make his already exciting life even more exciting…


it's an awesome story nevertheless.

restless weekend until Sunday came. too many dreams or nightmares that are too vivid. i even remember them.

especially the one where the rain woke me up from.

i was going to get married. not to some faceless guy. to someone i knew. someone whom i know marriage to is not an option in real life. not that it matters now.

even within the dream, there was an eerie unsettling sense of foreboding. i remember the conflicting thoughts. then after a friend, an ex-colleague, checks in on me, the friend hands me a cigar, telling me to go relax and think about it more.

i walk to an empty carpark. i light up. i tell myself not to inhale completely, taking a drag of the cigar and keeping it in my mouth while still breathing through my nose. the woody smokiness circles my mouth like a double scotch without the drying burn and i blow the cigar smoke out through my mouth, taking care to not let it into my lungs.

i look up and see another friend. another ex-colleague. he knows i'm struggling. we talk for a while. i ask him how he knew it was time for him to propose to his gf, a girl whom i consider a dear friend both in my dream and in real life. the lines between dream and reality were blurring.

he said he knew when he realized she made him a better person. on hindsight after finishing "Mocking Jay" on Sunday, it's like Gale telling Peeta that Katniss will choose the guy she needs to help her survive. Katniss needed hope.

my dream reflects me. i need hope. i need someone who loves me. i need someone who understands how to love me. i need someone who'll love God more than he'll love me 'cos only then will he understand that i'll always love God more than i'll love him. only then will i be made a better person. only then will i survive.

i thank the friend for his help. i snuff out the almost finished cigar. i walk away from the friend, full knowing that i'm going to walk away from the marriage as well.

as i walk, my shoulders are lighter. i'm smiling. i'm relaxed. the sense of foreboding fades.

the rain wakes me up by pounding outside. i stare at the rain in the morning sunlight. i feel it almost like it's a fresh start with the new sunlight pouring through my window as the rain washes away everything else. i am still tired from interrupted sleep as i close the windows. snuggling back to bed, i sigh.

i know i started dreaming the time my head hit the pillow, flitting from one dream to another. but the dreams are lighter. funnier.

even now, i'm still tired from all the dreaming and interrupted sleep. too many things to think about with life and work piling up. but i'm pretty sure i'll work through each subconsciousness. somehow.

i remember the first time i cried and prayed 15 years ago.

i remember the first (and last) time i dropped the blade and prayed 13 years ago.

i remember the first time i questioned His validity 6 years ago.

i remember the first time i decided He was a hope to cling to 5 years ago.

i remember the first time i was shaken in my faith 4 years ago.


and he's right there with me. whether i notice or not. always.

today, i remember the Jew who bled and died on the cross in my place as an atonement for my sins, to rise on the third day of his death to tell me that if he could conquer the grave, what more could he do for me?

nothing more. that's all i really needed from him. to set me right. to give me hope. a little reason to believe that this life is worth living even when everything's in a mess. i do not question why he doesn't help others. i give thanks that he chose me right from the start. there's still so much more to learn. so much more to question. so much more to discover.

may i always remember to give thanks.

on the bus home the other day when i heard a male voice behind me punctuating his sentences with the f-word. he wasn't soft either, considering the fact that i could hear him over my music.

i turned around and frowned, expecting to see a young kid and hoping to quieten him down with my frown. there are plenty of schools at where i work.

it was one of them yuppies talking to a chick.

seriously? did you just discover the word? if not, why are you acting like a 2 year old that's found a new word and repeating it like mad? or why act like a 14 year old in all feeble attempts to look like a bad-ass by using the word loudly and repeatedly in public?

i understand using the word when the situation calls for it. like when you're surrounded by incompetent fools and have to redo all their work until 2 am repeatedly simply because your ethics and moral code doesn't allow you to let your clients be the recipient of awful work.

but when talking about lunch? unless you married the yong tau foo and it decided to have an affair with the bubble tea within minutes of your consummation of the marriage... if not, no. you're an adult. give that word a little more credit.

and if you're going to be talking to a girl, whether she's your "brudder" or your girlfriend, show her a little more respect by not using crude language unnecessarily. and it's not a period. nor a comma.


not cool, bro. really not cool.

was at the botanic gardens station on wed night to top up my ezlink card

as i turned to head towards the bus stop, i saw a couple staring at the ticket machine.

i did what i'd usually do.


turned out the couple was trying to figure out how to get to NTU from the mrt map. NTU is obviously not there. showing them the nearest train station, i paused for a while. then i cancelled the transaction.

"it may be the nearest station but i'm not sure how easy it is to get to NTU from there. there's another way. you stop 2 stations earlier. the interchange has buses that go into the university."

i showed them how to purchase the ticket and how to get their $1 deposit back when they reach their destination. before i left them, i reminded them to look out for Buona Vista station to change from the Circle Line to the East West Line.

as i headed to the bus stop, i stopped in my tracks and wanted to look for the couple again.

seriously, what's there to do at NTU at night??

i just helped a couple go to the ulu-est of ulu.


i hope the couple met people who told them to spend time at Jurong Point instead. or that the couple had a real reason to go and make their trip worth. ugh. too many boo boos.