I never knew Jesus was all I needed until Jesus was all I had.

Do i know it? i like to think that i do. God's been fantastic to me. He's truly blessed me by bringing me thru my trials and letting me come out, scratched, bruised and battered, but keener to live a life truly pleasing in His eyes. ppl have wondered how i cope with my accting subs, law subs, cf committment and dragonboat.

truth is: i don't.

i've lost count of the anxiety attacks since sec 1.. the nights i've cried myself to sleep until i'm too tired or dehydrated to cry more.. the times i've been disappointed by people and things that i thought wldn't.. the moments of giddy sensations from obvious lack of proper rest..

but He never left me. He watches my tears.. He watches me struggle.. yet when i nearly failed my subs (the profs prob didn't want to see me in class anymore so they passed me..), He provided me with a job when i was dreading mommy's reaction to my decision to stay and help in CF and not care abt a job search. such timely providence for someone as lowly as i. but it's nothing compared to Him extending that nailed hand, saying, "I choose you to be Mine."

He's the only reason that i hang on; my one and only priority. He's the only one i worship and chase after. when you stop chasing money, jobs, that cum laude or dean's list position, you get the picture. no longer will you fret abt stuff that will fade. you start living the way we were meant to. in tandem with God at the helm. how many of us have stopped just look at the world and go, "God, thank you for reminding me that You're the creator"?

you don't have to tell me that it's not easy and that we have a responsibility as students. i know it! but your responsibility comes as a response to Christ. and Christ doesn't view grades as impt. He sees whether you're worshipping Him. it doesn't make sense to skip bible study and say to God, "i'll do double QT tonight." God doesn't care how long your QT is. He doesn't care whether you skip bible study or not.

He cares that you push him away and justify it by saying, "but God, you told me to work hard at my job as a student!"

try repeating, "God, i'm doing this for you" while you whiled away that time, once meant for growing in the Word and building your brothers and sisters up in Christ, but now on your homework that's due tmr and you're rushing because you waited until the very last min.. or even that quiz that's the next morning.

conversely, try slacking and repeating the same time. why you slacking? because you don't want to get caught up in your work and lose focus on God. so you watch TV, listen to music, read your christian books until 3 am then wake up at 5 am to rush your part of your project which is due at 10 am that day, saying to God, "i clearly don't view work as more impt than You!". try it. really

i tell you, the guilt will hit you sooooooo badly. the shame of knowing that you're being absolutely selfish, not because you are disregarding others. but because you're disregarding God. you're taking God's word and twisting it to what you want to hear and react to. that's not what God is asking for!

He's asking for you to be diligent in Him, to fulfill basic responsbilities of making sure that your part is done properly to not be a burden to your grp mates... or to spend a little more time with your brothers and sisters instead of trying to pretty up your damn excel spreadsheet so that the prof will give you a few more marks.

this whole issue is very personal to me. i try my darnest to be as God-like as i can and i look to my fellow Christian bros and sisters (who are said to be like-minded) for encouragement. but i get dejected and jaded when they do exactly what i'm trying to avoid. and instead of turning to them for the reminder of God, i look at His creation. not that it's wrong. it's just.. sad that i see Him working in so many other things but not in those who shld show it.

what is it that keeps us going? are we going to realize a little too late that God is really all that we have and all that we need? even now, in times of prosperity with Singapore's booming economy, how many of us will learn that ambitions and career/grade aspirations don't mean crap at all? How many of us are willing to say...

"God, i can earnestly tell you that i've done all i can to please You and only You. You are all i have and all i need. and i leave my life in Your hands to do Your will, not mine. Lead me, God."

Goals for exam period:
People, we are gonna take time out, read the bible and pray for one another, you hear me!!! no excuses of "right after this chapter.." or "one more hour please?"... how many of you read your bible in week 14 and 15 without rushing thru QT? how many of you even read your bible? i know i didn't and i was absolutely down and out. so i dun care. BIBLE READING AND PRAYER MEETINGS HOR!!

chanced upon an interesting blog while trying to find a source of a quote today.

kyle's a rather good writer. has interesting photographs of his current trip.. and he obviously knows who God is to him.
***
(extracted from Monday, April 10, 2006)
"Worship is the overall, safest place for any person to stand".

I have been in such a hurry the past few weeks, I haven't been in conversation with God for what feels like months - and at a time in my life when I need to be in conversation more than ever. I am just out of sorts. I was telling a friend at work today about how excited I am to get into Africa and out of this rat race. I think that there will be something really liberating about quitting my job and working for free for the next few years...
***

you can check out kyle's blog here: http://premium.xanga.com/kfeenstra. he's the one whom i managed to find the anon source of the quote. ok, i still don't know of the man's name but i know the story.

Burundi was the place in Africa that James mentioned. in 1993, a man's family was murdered and his home burnt to the ground during the war. he walked 40 km from the remains of his house to get to the refugee camp. all that and the man's in his 80s. and it was from him that James took the quote for today's lunch time talk, that very nice left hook jab on my flabby arm from God to me:

I never knew Jesus was all I needed until Jesus was all I had.

i'm currently writing a whole long post but i decided to break it.. like maybe post it during week 12 and slap everyone around a bit, including myself. ahahahaha. nah lah.. i'll post it soon enough because it's very dear to me.

btw, japan is no more. perhaps cambodia. and oh, melbourne's no more too. one trip shld be enough esp since i'm likely to go tioman or bintan come june.. again. hee hee. dad's paying, no sweat. what to do with the money?

Why, God's ministry, of course!! =)
***
you always sing so earnestly that you're "coming back to the heart of worship", and that "it's all about you, Jesus"....

but are you living that out? Is He really the heart of your worship? the essences of your worship 24/7/365? Are you thinking of Him now? Were you even thinking of Him when you decided to come to my blog and read my incessant ramblings? or are you worrying about where your next A is gonna come from?

gud a stuck nose. and id nod farnee ad all. dun lide..

so yes, i basically sound like that now. terrible night. cldn't sleep 'cos of the damn nose. it's making me feel absolutely dreadful. everytime i swallowed my saliva to moist the throat dry from mouth-breathing, my ears threatened to cave in. so every few minutes, i wld sit up to clear my airways before plonking back onto the bed, resigning to my miserable fate.

in the end, i had to put double pillows to prop my head up. it was 12+ and i had morning gym duty! no choice, i cldn't afford to toss and turn. it wasn't a substantial sleep. i ended up waking a couple of times during the night to change positions in hope of breathing properly.

initially, i had gone to Dr Yang (the sch doctor is Dr Paul Yang... been there so often that i remember..) yday but turns out that he's on leave and the "relief" doctor was only until 4pm instead of 5 pm. so at 9 am this morning, i half-ran and half-walked over. the short run cleared my nose, causing a rush of giddiness from the abundance of air in my system. yay.

the doctor's not in. yet.

the nurse offered to call me when he was in. thanking her, i half-run/half-walk back to the gym. in a few minutes, she called me. and boy, was i shocked. the "relief" doctor bore an uncanny resemblance to someone familiar. so i was rather distracted during the check-up. dun think it really showed. as i waited for my medication, i did a run of names and faces to match against his. and i got it...

the woodcutter from Hoodwinked (the one in the red circle)

i'm not kidding!!! he was really top-heavy in a muscular-veering-towards-gaydom way. and big girly eyes. not easy! ok, he wasn't thaaat bottom-heavy like the woodcutter. i nearly burst out laughing when i realized it. i really think he looks like another cartoon character.. but can't put my finger on who it is.

will let you guys know once i get the name and face.. need to eat my meds and read my strategy text now..

soccer's a... funny game.. seriously... let's see, shall we?

about the 75th min into Arsenal v Man Utd.. critical point near Utd's penalty box..

Theiry Henry's thought process as he nears the ball rolling towards the sidelines: goal kick to them... corner to me... goal kick to them... corner to me... goal kick to them... corner to me... goal kick to them... corner to me...

heck. goal kick to them.

my younger bro who watches on, a little stunned: french footballers. i'll never understand what they're thinking.

(at least it's better than jx comments abt sending droga back to africa in a cage while we were watching liverpool v chelsea. lub lub liverpool.)

rosicky whenever he gets the ball near mu's goal: one more to add to my off-target shots for the night. woohoo!

ok... i give henry and layman credit. they are good. i would have been happy with a draw, honestly. oh well, guess i'm just grateful for yday's match now.. good 'ol liverpool, and the two dear chelsea defenders, essien and ferrario!

seized by wanderlust once more. just looking at the pictures of the places that i've been to..
this was taken at ginza in tokyo. of all instruments, i think the violin is the most romantic of all.
komeda, their domestic airport. it was sample-haven. i had my lunch there rather unintentionally. but the counter staff were just so friendly. they gave me bigger portions of the samples. and lot of different samples. i ended up buying chocolate cheese cake squares even though i was soo full. but i just cldn't disappoint them.

being an amateur at photography, my photos are mainly simple stuff that, while, don't look too glam or professional, they bring back memories. like how the place smelt like.. how it sounded like.. how it felt like.. including whatever that was not captured by the camera.
Liuhe at Kaoshiong. i absolutely love the concept of night markets. there was so much to see. so much to eat! the lights. sure, the stores had the same things over and over again. but if you look hard enough, they will surprise you. at the end of Liuhe, we found a turkish trinklet store. owned by turks. the guy and his daughter were just so friendly.
Nai Cha Jie in Taizhong. the bubble tea was really good!! the milk was sweet but not cloying. plus hot bubble tea is always fantastic in the winter. the pearls weren't as big as those in Singapore but they weren't as small as those in Chun Tang in Taipei. supposedly to be the best in Taizhong. i know i enjoyed it even though my heart still lies with Chun Tang. and the rest of the street had small factory outlets. Gap.. A&F.. Hollister.. American Eagle.. Ralph.. nothing to buy though. it was all stocked for the winter and was still pricy.

my second time to taipei. this time alone. it was such a magical feeling, meeting strangers and unfamiliar faces.. finding my way in unknown streets. the euphoric rush of familiarity when i revisit places i went to on my first visit. i definitely wanna travel alone again. i honestly feel sympathetic to those who are afraid of being alone. it's fantastically liberating.

and there's always the romantic notion of falling in love with a stranger. =)

Melbourne. the one city i've fallen head over heels with in Australia. it reminds me sooo much of SF. the laidback charm and cool wind.. the friendly faces and cafes with comfort lattes and fries.. i wanna return. perhaps mummy will let me go alone. esp since aunty boon hong is there already.

it does seems such a pity that when i share the photos, i don't share the memories as well. but then again, that's what makes every little thing unique. just to me. =)

bad day for me so far. rather.. bad times..

dropped my darling nikon S2 yday. my heart dropped with it as well. the lens doesn't capture anything 'cept a black screen now.

this morning, went to Dr Tay at SGH. He's a senior consultant so he's pretty credible right? before i went into his room, i noticed the sign outside that requested for mobiles to be switched off. yet, i had to wait a couple of minutes while my dear doctor tinkled on his 2 blackberries before giving me his attention.

and he started examining my wrist. after pressing it to a painful ache, he declared that there might be fracture. at the rate he was pressing, i would like to think so. i'm not a screamer. my physiotherapist at SMC, Karen, always complained that she never knew if she was pressing hard enough 'cos i never made a noise. i winced at the table when Dr Tay was poking my wrist bone.

i went for the x-ray and had 4 angles of my wrist taken. so i was exposed to the radiation 4 times in less than 10 mins. while the doctor, his two interns and the nurse hid in a tiny booth. feeling very loved, i returned to Dr Tay.

Dr Tay scanned the images with me. the first two looked pretty normal cept that the protruding wrist bone looked a little funny. with the next two images, he showed me a minicus crack. minicus or not, it's still a crack. his words were a little hallow in my head.

"You see that? A very fine line. There's a crack."

he asked if i needed an medical excuse. from what??? PE??? i asked if i cld still exercise.

"No. We'll re-examine it again in one month's time. Meanwhile, no exercise."

yay.

feeling down, i called to see if ex-co meeting was over. it was but they were having a quick lunch. i then decided that i needed some time alone. with good food. took the train down to bugis and bought sashimi and sushi for lunch. not too bad. $9.50 in total. sashimi was $6.

when i got home, i thought that i needed to make the sushi cold first. more yummilicious. then i dropped my sushi box. all $3.50 of it. i was left with just sashimi for lunch. yay.

just to prepare myself, i have decided that my warranty of my camera is over even before i call them to verify it. there's only so much disappointment and dejection that a girl can take before she goes all jaded and subdued by life.

finally listened to Ll Divo's version of "unbreak my heart". the wonders of youtube.com. i have to say that i didn't like it. i didn't even like toni braxton's original. i normally like toni's songs. heck, i even have that particular CD but my fave track is "How Could An Angel Break My Heart".

the only reason why i went listened to it was 'cos of the BP performance the other night. they performed their own version and Danny apologized to his wife. for dedicating it to her the previous night when she was in the recital studio.. and for singing it again on the night where we went. how bad was it?

Verse 1:
whenever i see your face, i want to vomit
doesn't matter what you did
doesn't matter what you say
i can't stand your voice, the way you walk
how you always scratch you-know-where
and if it is not enough, there's your nose hair

chart-topper stuff, courtesy of BP humor. you've gotta love them for entertainment value. i'm sooo dragging josh, thiang and bryan the next time BP has a concert. because i didn't talk much abt the concert before, here goes. they changed their version of "Tribute to Titanic". in the CD, it was a farm version. with the sound of cowbells and the southern twang..

at the concert, they did a star wars version. michael and gordon were just making me laugh as usual. and i'm reminded of the time i was laughing while michael attempted to be intimidating and was browbeating me. and ben agrees that danny looks like adam chen. minus the body and tan. (guessing abt the body. definite on the tan)

BP is my perpetual happy nut band. sure, clay aiken makes me smile. but i've never seen him 'live'. not that i wld pay to watch him 'live'. you know how damn expensive concert tickets are blue moo is the best thing to happen to entertainment at YMCA. when we go, we pay $8 and get 2 cowpons. each cowpon can be changed for either one drink or one pack of chips. and BP performs there most of the time.

the concert was better than the last one i paid for. the "We Give A Dam" concert. there weren't new songs! when i did the interview with BP (of which was never approved after that. too much of a verbatin interview..), they gave me free cowpons. i stayed for the first half and was treated to some new songs already.

the concert was filled with songs that i had yet to hear them perform. "unbreak my heart", "one way ticket", "Ai Piah Jia Eh Yia", the new version of "Tribute to Titanic" and a few others which they have performed before but not on the CD yet. hopefully "Love the Earth" will be on the CD in mid 2007. hopefully there will even be a CD in mid 2007.

Meanwhile, can someone lend me their copy of BP's "Nearly" Live At Blue Moo???

Chorus:
unbreak my heart
please don't come back again
undo this hurt that you caused when you walked thru the door
and walked into my life
uncry these tears
i cried so many nights
unbreak my heart

here's the clip on youtube for BP's version of "unbreak my heart", in response to Ll Divo's
Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fc9xZIJEvpc
Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5byMDWabSi0

festive periods are happy times.

but they are also times where the depressed just get more depressed. to see happy families and couples and all the ppl having fun when those down in the dumps aren't. it's proven. counsellors get more calls at periods like these.

could be the reason for my emo moment last night. i apologize to that very sweet friend of mine who tolerated my emo state and the words of kindness.

on hindsight, i would have coped better if i had a box of dark royce choc.


but the budak pantai concert before my emo state was amazing. there were new songs and i seriously even laughed at the old jokes. jeremy and ben were just rocking in their chairs with laughter. it was a fun night really.

new album, due in mid 2007... still waiting for Leap to come out in the theatres.. still in love with "Leap" by Budak Pantai..

Hey you
you with that fabulous smile
you with that gorgeous laughter
can i talk with you a while
hey you
you with that charming grin
you and your silly manner
i like to know your name

simple lyrics. simple tune.. but just so amazing. all the elements of sweet serenade. i seriously melted the first time i heard that song and Joe's earnest voice. they performed it again last night and i was just grinning while mouthing the words. too bad they didn't sing "Lover's Tears".. or "The Moon Represents My Heart"...

that wld have been the ultimate serenade for the night.

a couple of days ago, it was above 30 degrees in australia. yday, it snowed.

yes, australia is experiencing summer. there is snow in NSW and Victoria.

Snow in Australia (click to read article)

the one christmas miracle (read "miracle" article here) that the firemen were looking for to ease the burden of the bushfires. and it comes on christmas day, the day we remember the birth of our lord Jesus Christ.

things work out in ways we really never think possible.

Merry Christmas, Australia. i miss you.

Melbourne Trip (Part 4.. and the last one too!)

20th Dec
we embarked on our Great Ocean Road (GOR) roadtrip on our free day. accompanied by aunty boon hong, we managed to get out of paying AUD$120 each to paying abt AUD$360 for 7 ppl for a more flexible tour.

our first stop was Geelong where the crazy sisters went for a 30min shopping rush before we stop at Lorne for some pictures by the beach. there were some ppl surfing and i longed to join them. hey, i really wanna learn how to surf but that's pretty pointless in singapore. it was freezing despite the fact that it was summer.

lunch was at apollo bay's seafood cafe where the fish and chips were s'posed to be the best in the town. there was such a wide range of fish but we settled for the butterfish, cod and barramundi after staring at the menu for quite a while. we then reached the twelve apostles just before 2 pm. ok, 11 apostles. one was weathered away.

we then headed for another area where there was more rock formation to look at. we got as far as the "blow hole" and the "thunder cave" before we made our way back to Melbourne. by the time we reached our hotel, it was 9pm. it was Nandos for dinner. fabulous chicken really.

21st Dec
our final destination before home was the Direct Factory Outlet (DFO). i lurve Jay Jay. bought a top, bag and shorts for AUD$40! and just the other day, i bought 2 dresses for AUD$12.50 each at the jay jay in chadstone. i saw this really nice dress for AUD$70 at Gripp Jeans but didn't buy it.

if i had the money and time in Melbourne, i think i would have wiped out jay jay, cotton on, gripp jeans, west co, jean west, hairspa and sportsgirl. absolutely fab, i tell you. we ended off the day with a dozen of krispy kreme to bring home. i *heart* krispy kreme. lurve lurve, i tell you.

mommy says i can migrate to Melbourne. as long as i get married. which means the guy must be ok with living in melbourne. hey, not that i mind. the melbourne guys are cute. yes, little superficial me.. but out of the all the cute guys, don't tell me that there's not one who's christian and able to lead me.

the weather's been good to us. it was low 20s in the morning and by noon, it'd be really cold! apparantly, it snowed on christmas! despite it being 31 degrees the day before.

*look around me*

shucks. somebody fly me back there!!!

Melbourne Trip (Part 3)

19th Dec
an absolutely foodie day awaits me. we head for the Ashcrombe Maze. the rose maze wasn't much from far but upclose, each rose stood out in its own unique manner, be it the usual roses that you see in the stores to the wild roses with the different petals. the lavander labyrith smelt fantastic! the flower mazes were nice but the 7 tier waterfall was a disappointment..

not that it had intended i guess. melbourne's facing water shortage so they had to shut the system off. the chicken pie for lunch was really quite nice. dessert.. was.. funky.

after the maze, we headed to the strawberry farm. picking and eating, we really had quite a laugh esp when pop was stuffing his face so quickly that he burst out laughing and spit on yong and me. at the farm, we went quite mad and bought a semi-sweet strawberry wine and a strawberry port to go with the strawberry and even a chocolate dip.

our last stop was at cellar door for wine tasting. the first whites and reds weren't too nice. the moscanto was fab! sparkling, sweet and not too alcoholic with only 7% in it. i lurve it. we bought 6 bottles of it on the spot. yes, we're quite mad.

when we went back to the hotel, we decided to just have strawberries. not contended with just that, we bought 3 boxes of lord of fries. we ate so much i seriously felt sick.. then there was cheese and crackers and a whole bottle of moscanto. even the strawberries were dead sweet. plus the cherries and nectarines... amazing stuffed dinner.

need to cut back man... but i'm just soooo in love in Melbourne. (sorry, James!)

Melbourne Trip (Part 2)

18th Dec
the day started off with shopping in Chadstone. i love Oz fashion. and their range of hair products.. mind-blowing. i was content with just staring at the rows of products and not buying anything. pressed for time, we rushed through the place before finishing off with Krispy Kreme original glazed donut. magnificant stuff! the glazed devil's food looks terribly tempting but i controlled myself.

first touristy spot for the day was Warrook Farm. it was the usual stuff... feeding lambs and calves, milking cows, watching a sheep being sheared, watched sheep being herded by adorable border collies, feeding kangeroos and oh, more silly pictures naturally.

our next stop was this place called "A-mazing Things". a bit like ripley's corner 'cept it was full of brain teaser nonsensical stuff. it was a good laugh with more silly pictures. after that, we visited to the koala conservatory. those fat little things are absolutely lovely. and yes, teik picked up a dead gutted lizard because it was in a box that said "touch me!". idiot. i warned him against picking it up..

dinner was ok. we had half a lobster each. mind you, lobster. not crayfish. the bloody thing was huge even though it was half. i cldn't eat much rice. plus, i was getting a headache from the PRCs who were busy getting drunk and very noisy in the other table. quickly eating my food, i waited for the group outside the restaurant.

when pops came out, he was terribly displeased. so he started ranting abt the long queue at the guys' toilet. since when did queues form outside the gents? he then explained that two PRC aunties went into the gents and took donkey years. maybe they were experimenting with the urinal? whatever the case, they are disgusting. i saw one spit into the basin and she didn't even bother to wash it away!! ARGH!!!

our last stop was the freezing phillip island to see the penguin parade. after more silly photos in the shop, we headed towards the sea. photos aren't allowed 'cos the fairy penguins are very sensitive to bright flashes and they can be blinded by it. and the trick to getting upclose with the penguins is to walk along the boardwalk back to the main arena because that's where all their burrows are. you will be practically walking next to the birds.

despite the many warnings against photography, i saw a flash a little ahead of me when i was along the boardwalk. it was a stupid PRC auntie. i was seriously pissed off. i followed her for a little while. when she got all shifty eyed and whipped out her camera again, i approached her and told her that she wasn't allowed to take photos. she merely laughed it off and said she forgot.

Yar. and i'm a monkey's uncle.

she quickly shuffled off and i saw red. i approached the first ranger i saw (clearly distinguished by the green windbreaker) and told him to look out for the crazy PRC auntie who was blinding the penguin. he went off in the direction that i pointed him to after thanking me for stopping the auntie with a smile.

a very brilliant heart-melting smile. ^-^

the ranger was hot. sharp features, lovely big brown eyes that you can get lost in, typical boyish features. and no!! i didn't go to him purposefully!! i saw his back even before i saw his face, ok??

sidetracked. but yes, nothing against PRCs 'cept those who push, shove, lack manners, spit everywhere and anywhere, talk loudly even after repeated announcements that loud noises do startle the penguins, don't listen to instructions, smell funny, smoke everywhere 'cept designated smoking zones, talk to you as though you are 500 m away even though you're 50 cm away.. *-*

i know nice PRCs. but currently, it feels as though they are a minority. and in the words of teik in view of the whole situation after the day's tour.

"Their population needs thinning out."

anyhoo.. more photos..

is it a koala? continue scrolling down to other pictures for the answer...