i hate love.

it eats you up. it tears you down. it makes you happy and sad at the same time. it leaves you confused.

it makes you expect things. and when your expectations are not met, it makes you disappointed. then love makes you feel guilty for being disappointed. it makes you feel tired for always feeling guilty. and it makes you feel guilty for feeling tired of always feeling guilty.

then you start to question if you were really loved or if your partner was just in love with the idea of being in love. and you question that about yourself too.

i firmly believe that tolerating your partner's flaws are not a sacrifice. whether she talks about herself all the time, or whether he loses his temper when you talk about yourself all the time.

it's a response to the fact that your partner loves you. but when you're not loved, there's only so far you can lie to yourself.





i really really really hate love.

it's a fresh start. a new slate.

new people in my life. hopefully the old ones are still around.

suddenly, i'm once again unsure of what's to come. probably a good thing 'cos it helps to make me a little stronger. especially when close friends are constantly on the move and flying around. like if perry were to really go to london for six months, i'd be lost for a few days. that crazy boy's just been such an incredible friend at this time, making sure i'm dealing with this new chapter. and he was even too busy to meet for dinner recently.. just as a lot of other close friends have been too busy.

work's been tiring and busy for me too. what with the wedding coming up soon as well... even more stuff to check off the list.

this uncertainty is definitely unsettling. i don't really know where i am. i feel almost ghost-like where i make contact and wonder if people will respond to me or think my touch was just a chill in the wind.





sounds almost like a perfect time to slip away from the world and hide in my little shell. unfortunately, that won't happen until after 14 May. but getting away from it all sounds so much better than this whole sense of loneliness while being surrounded by people. time to plan a solo getaway.




in the midst of all this, i'm still praying. still praying that i'd get through this period and come out a little stronger. just praying.

(never have i deleted and added and deleted a post so much before posting. bleah.)

around April last year, i was wondering whether to go to HK. i did during summer. one of the most fun trips ever.

crabmeat linguine at fat angelou's. cheap massage in kowloon. H&M in Central. shopping at the outlet mall. scoffing down the usual asian western mix cuisine in Little Hawaii (or smth like that). watching the sights go by on the $2 tram. catching the sunset at the Peak.

i miss those lazy summer days. i really do. :(

been back for two weeks. new phone.. new laptop... damn broke. sigh.

part of me is still in NYC. the city is just so bright and vibrant at night. such an atmosphere heightened by the chill in the air, reminding me of Christmas in USA or anywhere with a proper winter. much desired at this point where the weather is gross, humid and warm. I feel like i'm a bikram studio. urgh. i miss the chilly days..

bring me somewhere cold now please!

 Ski slopes in korea

keeping the ears warm in Everland 

falling mist / snow at niagara falls, buffalo 

snow bunnies at mt. tateshima, japan.

i miss freezing and risking frost bite soooo badly.

had dinner with the extended family. Uncle Gab is heading to China. tbh, it started out like any other dinners we've had together. Alexis going loco on us once in a while, screaming and becoming camera shy. Anson's warmed up so much. the usual 'attitude' glare is now a wide smile or a blur look. my little dumb dumb.

after dinner, Uncle Gab loaded up the car as usual with the kids and the granny. he turned to mommy and his face scrunched up. a little part of me died. his tears fell as he hugged mommy and turned to me. i know we'd definitely see each other again but i've never seen him cry before. NEVER.

sigh.

on the car ride home, mommy was in the back seat with me and kt. she was still sad and sniffing away. then... Barry Manilow's "Can't smile without you" came on the radio. what luck. i sighed inwardly.

and the amazing younger sister in the front seat turned the volume up.

SERIOUS??? serious. *bigger sigh*

i turned to the brother in horror and whispered, "did she just make it louder?"

he nodded sadly. we discreetly face palmed in the back seat. about 5 painful seconds later, she changed the radio station. and it was pretty obvious to us that her bf had hinted to her to change the station. my dear adorable unassuming sister. she's really quite blur. bleah.

oh wells. so the uncle flies on Thursday. just means i have one more country to pay a visit to now. yay?

Finally back in SG. so damn hot. of all the places i've been too.. from Buffalo to Boston... Philly to Orlando.. i still love NYC the best. there's something in the air of NYC that just makes it so much more.. loveable. probably 'cos the weather was fantastic too. only thing i missed were the people back home.

Orlando was fun too, definitely, with the theme parks. the inane screaming on top of my lungs as the Hulk rollercoaster hurls me up into the air.. or as the Duelling Dragons lurch dangerously close in little Hogsmeade.. i know how much jiali would have wanted to be in Hogsmeade and Hogswart. all that shopping. all the girls would have loved it.

all that food.. the theme parks.. all the shopping. never has the phrase "wish you were here" meant so much to me. :(

Gung Jyuh Behng

LOL. this guy is awesome la.

“There are a lot of people in the world. No one ever sees everything the same way you do; it just doesn’t happen. So when you find one person who gets a couple of things, especially if they’re important ones… you might as well hold on to them. You know?” - source unknown






so what if they get almost everything but disagree with the one thing that is most important to your heart?

such an alcoholic lunar new year.

i swear, my family is mad. on lunar new year's eve, the sister decides that we all need a mojito to pass the night. after playing around with rum, mint, lime and brown sugar, we finally get a mojito that doesn't lead to a funny crumpled face. within an hour, we break out the wines, crackers and cheese.

on the first day, they mix up mojitos again after lunch. not a big fan of mojito, i create a sangria from the red wine leftover from the previous night, some f&n orange and a slice of lime. now, we're having a beer.

it's not about getting drunk. the family just likes the taste of various alcohol. besides, we're all just chilling at home and watching tv together. that's my type of fun while drinking: being able to appreciate the taste, good company, and knowing that i'm not going to bed with my head spinning. i'm done with days of shouting over loud music and paying for people to buy $400 whiskeys to get drunk (seriously??).

it may be a new year that's a little more alcoholic than previous years.. but fun nevertheless.

my siblings also discovered the 'joys' of having family in the same school.

in jc, i was in the same class as my niece. yes. niece. in the same sch with two cousins and i end up in the same class with my niece. what ensued was then her calling me "aunty" on top of her lungs at every opportunity she had.

her brother, a year younger than my sister, end up in the same jc too. without the luxury of being in the same class, he would shout for his aunty across the canteen.

another of our nephews was my brother's senior in jc. meetings at the urinal or toilet meant a pat on the butt from the back. fu----------

i learn too many things each year from this crazy group. TMI...

oh the irony. after watching the victoria secret's fashion show last night, i was inspired to return to the gym. to eat healthier.. all the while thinking of people who tell me that i should just stop eating to lose weight 'cos it has worked for them.

then i came across this video of Jessica Simpson interviewing Isabelle Caro, the anorexic nude model who died 17 Nov 2011, weighing at just 32 kg when she was 1.65m.

people, if you wanna lose weight, start exercising, dammit.

yes, i agree that it would be nice to have some time alone tonight. it is an amazing weather to sleep early too, especially given the budding headache.


still, i'm reminded that there is a difference between being "alone" and being "lonely" on the Christmas night.


Merry Christmas, World.

At every single step of the journey, you leave a little bit of you in each memory you try to hold onto. to each memory you try to continue to be part of.

but there are some memories better left forgotten on this path. especially memories of friends who chose to drift from you, only to become hi-bye acquaintances. 'cos there's really no point in leaving any part of yourself in that relationship.

but all's not lost. while i seem to have that many of such 'friends' whom i can barely call friends now.. i have acquaintances who have become fast friends. new friends who have proven worthy in a sense, with their offers of hugs, listening ears and shoulders to cry on. friends who will sit there, listen to you whine, let you cry your heart out, then buy you ice cream or a beer or whatever you fancy to make it all better.

friends who know that you've put your heart out there to be crushed stupidly, and wait until you go crying to them, and have their arms open for you to seek just that little solace.

yes, despite the screwed up 'friendships' i've had in the past, i've also memories worth taking along this journey as i venture down this path to some destination still unknown to me.


to whomever it may concern, please be a memory that I don't want to forget. that's all i ask and beg of you.


please let me find worth in leaving part of me in that memory.