at lunch today, I took a bite of the tofu side dish before abandoning it. it was then I saw that my boss had finished his.

me: how did you finish it. it was so bland

boss: used it to balance out my very flavorable bibimbap

me: but you kept adding sauce to your rice as you ate!

boss: had to balance out the tofu


i am so done with that man.

the awkward moment when the person who "secretly" hates you finds out from you that you know...

Trapped by far too many frustrating situations. Praying for it to all pass.

After all it's just work. Why am I killing myself over it?

Because it's really just work.

Right?

"When everybody's in, and you're left out
And you feel you're drowning, in a shadow of a doubt
Everyone's a miracle in their own way
Just listen to yourself, not what other people say...

When you wanna give up, and your heart's about to break
Remember that you're perfect, God makes no mistakes...

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you gotta believe
That right here right now, you're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome, to wherever you are..."




still writing out my own happy ending.. let's see where this takes us.

maybe I should just bury my head in the ground and wait for suffocation to overcome me.

ah. fuck.

finding it hard to do anything when no one tells me or updates me on matters that I'm required to follow up on.

on the bright side, if everyone else is getting updates and not me, it should be pretty easy to leave when I do quit. since I don't have anything to update or inform because I don't know anything and they know everything.

was queueing up for breakfast this morning. front of the queue was a Bangla trying to order earnestly. he kept pointing at the deep fried dimsum he wanted and the auntie kept trying to confirm the food by asking him if it was "xx" or "yy".

he clearly struggled and the lady next to him was just staring at him.

after a while, I thought it was ridiculous that the lady was not doing anything so I decided to help. but before I could say a word, the man in front of me yelled.

"SPRING ROLL. SPRING ROLL."

typically, I may have laughed at the man's reaction. but not today. I was pissed. pissed beyond measure and so incredibly angry. the man was clearly annoyed. clearly frustrated that he was not being served and getting his food.

why was I pissed?

because the Bangla was clearly buying food to go because he had to get back to his laborious work outdoors. yet, the man found it righteous to be pissed off that he could get his food to sit in the food court leisurely in the air-con to eat before returning to his air-conditioned office to continue sitting on his fat ass to work.

you have got to be kidding me. who gives this man the right to think that service to him comes before service to others? the greed for self-satisfaction, for self-importance... to essentially be such a selfish bastard... such is the depravity of man who has put himself as King in his life.

people no longer look to serve others. if people like this man fester, there will be no more kindness, patience, or love. everyone will be rotten. just as Adam was. just as disobedient Israel was. just as the Jews who crucified Jesus was.

sigh. such is the depravity of man who doesn't truly understand God for who God is and instead clings to what he wants God to be.

So please call 1800-844-7475. I did. The wonders of Skype. Call it. Now.

was going through some of my old stuff to clear and make space for new items when I chanced across memories of my uni life.

Throughout the camps with the Christian Fellowship, we had some where we wrote notes of encouragement to one another. This often resulted in madcap laughter over coffee/tea/water and copious amounts of biscuits with the lazy guitar in the background at 3am while we poured over scribbling notes.

I often wonder if people kept those notes. I'm not a terribly sentimental person when it comes to letters or notes like these so I wouldn't blame them if they didn't keep theirs.

But I kept mine. For as many as I could find, I kept the notes that were written to me.

So today when I found them, I decided to read them all over again. The same things were repeated in the notes. They were about how I encouraged people. About how they learnt so much while talking to me as I shared my life with them.

The notes used to make me smile. They used to make me sit up a little straighter and feel a little lighter.

Today, I cried. I slouched over them and suddenly the burden was heavier. More painful. More overwhelming.

I felt like such a fraud. Through all those kind words, I never really shared my life with them. Sure, everyone knew that I was serving God despite parental objections. But they never knew my dirty secrets. About how I lied just so I could go to church. About how I snuck around and hated the oppression without ever once confronting it.

I never really shared the darkest moments of my life where I needed God the most. I never shared the splitting headaches and panic attacks and unexplainable moments of chest aches and breakdowns. I never shared my thoughts and that one attempt of suicide when I was younger. And the reason why I didn't share them wasn't a selfless one. I just didn't want people to see me as weak. I didn't want people to see how helpless and how miserable I was.

I never really shared my life with them. All they saw was the part I wasn't ashamed of. The part that I thought they would learn from without thinking worse of me.

Then towards the end of my ministry with Christian fellowship, there were people writing to me to tell me to rest. To take a break. To slow down and not exhaust myself.

I cried even harder.

What happened to that girl who so tirelessly met up with people and berated herself for not doing enough? What happened to that girl who tried so hard to patch up the holes and mend lives at 2 am in the morning despite knowing that she had a morning class in less than 7 hours? What happened to that fight, that drive, that hunger, and that passion to want to learn for the sake of others?

In exchange for wanting people to see the real me, I gave up that side of me that serve to the point of breakdown for the ministry.

Is that wise? What is right? What is wrong? What is good for the people and for the church? Why have I come to the point where I don't know what is enough and where to start and what to stop?

I need answers. Praying. Praying so damn hard.

learning to tame the tongue...

to be less quick to judge
to be slower to anger


sigh. keep on keeping on. sigh.

(some personal thoughts on this whole elections thing..)

What parties are saying to people when they say no to multi-cornered fights:
"A higher chance of a diverse parliament."

What I think they actually mean when they say no to multi-cornered fights:
"We're convinced that Singaporeans dislike the ruling party enough to take whatever opposition party we give them. Even if the opposition is useless and cannot contribute to society."

This whole talk of no multi-cornered fights sickens me. At the end of the day, it feels as though the opposition parties just want the ruling party to have less say in Parliament. That they just want another SMC or GRC as a notch on their bedpost.

In this bid to rid of multi-cornered fights, how do they decide which party to take which constitution? Or do the opposition parties just want the opportunity to equal rights to say "I have a seat in Parliament?"

The division of SMCs and GRCs is more than gerrymandering. I believe that it should help parties decide if they actually have the resources and power to help that particular SMC and GRC that they want.

When parties look at each segment, they should be able gauge the living standards. Whether things are working. Whether decisions made are benefiting the people. During their walkabouts, parties can meet the people they are dealing with. What the people need. What the people want. What they don't realize they are lacking.

Only then should any party decide if they have the ability and capacity to represent that SMC or GRC before they run for it.

The key objectives of these Meet-the-People sessions and walkabouts is not to tell people who the party is. It is an objective. But it is not the key objective. At the end of the day, a parliament discusses issues that affect the people of a nation. Having a nation that knows the members of the parliament is very different from having a parliament that knows the nation.

If anything, I am for multi-cornered fights of 3 parties simply because the votes tell a bigger story than most people think. some examples to think about (non-exhaustive list really but yea...)

eg1. The votes are spilt almost evenly across 3 parties : This actually suggests that 66% of people are desperate enough to throw their votes anywhere other the party that used to be in charge of them.

eg2. The two newer contesting parties lose by a landslide : People are happy with their current party. To the contesting parties, I hope you got your electoral deposit back at least.

eg3. One contesting party loses its electoral deposit : You suck. Please stop.

I can only hope that the opposition parties have thought through all these things carefully. To realize that walkabouts are more than just showing your face but understanding if you can even help residents.

This isn't a fucking game of Risk. This concerns welfare of actual people.



What do I want in a government?

I want a government that's not scared of its people. I want a government that serves its people.

We want faster and more connected transportation network. Give it to us. But don't rush it just to make us happy in 3 years and disappointed 3 years after that when everything breaks down. Tell us the full plan and tell us what we need to know to manage our expectations. Let the poor construction workers sleep and rest enough. They are humans too.

We want cheap hawker food. But don't suppress prices just to make us happy now and depressed 5 years later when we lose more people in the hawker profession and even more depressed when overwhelming amount of foreign labor has to be brought into a workforce that is so uniquely ours. Explain costs to the people. Explain inflation.  Manage the hawkers to prevent unreasonable overcharging but enable reasonable prices. Serve the hawkers too. And really, dear Singaporeans, $5 for a solid bowl of bak chor mee is not expensive. (HAVE YOU SEEN THE AMOUNT OF EFFORT REQUIRED? SO EASY YOU GO MAKE LA.)



So if that is what I want in a government, I must vote for a parliament that will hold the government accountable for the welfare of the people. I must vote for a parliament who will constantly check that decisions aren't just self-serving, but also rational and reasonable within the constraints of logic and resources. I must vote for a parliament that wants a government to serve the people well.

Not a parliament that nitpicks and groans over every small and inconsequential decision just because it was by someone of the opposing party. Not a parliament that seeks to be diverse for the sake of being diverse. Definitely not a parliament with parties that think this is a fucking game to fan their egos.

Saying stuff like "Our journey to the west begins in Tanjong Pagar" sounds like a game of conquest instead of benevolence and integrity.

So give me my multi-cornered fights. Give me the choice to decide who I think is a good voice of reason and of the people in the parliament. If there's one thing that I would like taken away from me right now is the jokers in the system. For the love of the nation, let that one be removed.

Last night, as I sat in Sydney Central waiting for the midnight train to Melbs, I was overwhelmed with a new emotion.

A new raw emotion of fear. Of being alone in a dark city.

I was so afraid of being alone, of being lonely, that it scared me. I have thought of it. But to be scared... that was new.

I prayed. I prayed so hard for the fear to pass. For me to remember that I have Him. That He has been good, is still good, and will continue to be good in my life. That in times of need and plenty, He gives me the ability to give thanks and be joyful.

Now I sit at St Kilda's... and I don't feel it at all. I feel comforted. I feel provided for. I feel joy. I feel plenty. Even when I am surrounded by families and couples while alone, I feel at peace.

I feel like I'm home.

And I am grateful that He works in the most unfamiliar unspoken ways to give me rest and comfort. May I never forget to give thanks and be joyful.