Need to get my game back on track. competition is around the corner.. so let me get this all out once and for all. if you're reading this, i'm sorry you had to see this twisted side of me. feel free to stop reading..
***
exhausted. many have said that i seem distracted. at work. at meals. at home. at trainings. even when i'm watching tv. and i do not deny it. i'm just really tired.

tired of feeling like i'm not doing enough. tired of people thinking that my mind's wandering to nonsensical stuff.. tired of crying when i pause to consider that they may be right. that i'm wasting everyone's time. just tired of... being tired. my schedule's packed. all the way up to when sch starts. and already, i need to think of what subjects i'm going to be taking. i can't take a day at a time. and it's seriously getting to me.

for those who say that i've been strangely shutting away and not being myself anymore. here goes..

sometimes, i wonder if i tire myself out intentionally. that for once, i'll stop thinking that i'm wasting space on earth.. that i'm contributing to it rather than being a burden. i see others and i wonder why i can't be like them. i wonder if they struggle like me.

am i romanticizing my life? is it the die-hard in me trying too hard for ppl to sympathize with me? i'd never do that. why?




i'm tired of feeling sorry of myself.

it hurts. to have attempted suicide before. to know that this memory can never be erased... the mere fact that my existance embarrassed me nearly to the point of no return. it's really slowly eating me up inside out. i watch all these inspirational movies and i'm left wondering, "if my life is as screwed up as those in the movie, when will it become better?"

it's been a struggle to live. been a struggle to survive. everyone gets this shit, i know. i just find it harder to cope with it, i guess.

i once said that i read my testimonials on friendster to liven up my day when i'm feeling down. but nowsdays, i wonder if my friends really meant it.. or that they felt a need to be nice. stuff like how i was "always there for" people.. the one people cld rely on.. the one with the listening ear.. abt how encouraging i am.. that i'm always ready to lend my arms out "be it a strong saving tug or a warm tight hug".

as much as i would love to find a physical being who would be all i've been to my friends esp on the hug and tug part, there's something i want even more. i want my friends to mean all that they've written. and Lord, give me the strength to continue to give my life... to continue as Your suffering servant just as only You have dried the phantom tears inside that no creation of Yours has managed to.

***
so once again, to those who say that i've changed... that i no longer open up... lemme tell u this. i have never opened up. never before. not even to God 'cos i never had to need to express myself this way to the One who knows my heart better than me. this is my first. so be honored.

i'll just keep hanging in until i get some time-out after everything's said and done. don't worry abt me. just pray for me, aites? pray that i'll be that young girl turning to Him with faith like a child.