Ready! Paddles up! Awas! (get ready for a long preachy one..)

in my second year, i was nominated to be in the exco for smucf. that's why when fred asked me to start up the DB team then, i had to refuse him. too much time and effort. now i'm the smucf vp, i didn't want to join the team. sure, i spend less time and effort on it then keith and zhui in terms of the running of things.. but i knew i wldn't be able to leave if i started. and i really don't want to leave now. foresee a tight schedule when the term starts. haiz.

anywayz, just read the dboat blog. made me think. it's just really different from team acjc. i guess it's the dynamics. when you're in jc, your cca points count. now they don't. it's not even a cca now. it's an eca again.

i admit. i'm not as fit as i used to be. i can't even do a proper pull-up without assist, a far cry from the 2 i used to be able to. i can't last more than 30 men push-ups so i'm not even going to go into diamond men push-ups. and there are more distractions now.

i'm not talking abt guys in the team (though i know how many idiot friends i have who are secretly hoping i was...). but it's just... i used to just worry abt being part of the team when i was in acjc. worried that they might think i was faking my injury. worried that they might think i purposefully fell ill. just so worried 'cos those things might affect my sense of belonging to the team. that was the only thing that distracted me during training, besides the thought of my dad nagging abt me joining DB.

now, i'm worried abt work. worried abt my parents. worried abt my ministry. and on saturday, i finally rowed on the left again. hit by a wave of nostalgia, even that old injury was back with a slight vengence, as though willing me to stop. but i see ben next to me. i see rosh, py, dk and wz in front of me. how cld i stop? i managed to push that worry away. just sleeping with a lot of medicated plasters at night. but things aren't getting better now...

i really tried to focus during training today. but the stress at work got to me. gone are the days when i would go to the gym to sweat my worries away. made me wonder if i wld be able to focus while doing the bridge after circuit. thankfully we did the more dynamic burpees and crunches. static core workout allows my brain to wander a little too much nowadays. i really need to get my life back on track.

but here's something i held to very strongly since i started dragonboating when i was 17. DB is a team sport. there is no such thing as a christiano ronaldo or wayne rooney in DB. there is no such thing as a star player. there is no such thing as a steven lim or solskjaer. there is no such thing as a super sub. it's not about yourself. it's about the person next to you.

weiling, my dear. i'm glad that the past dismal attendance isn't getting to you. i'm glad that i was able to help you look at things from a diff perspective. that's what ministry has taught me. don't get hung up over those not serving alongside you. be encouraged by those striving next to you. and i am encouraged by those i see at training. 'cos they are the ones who keep me going when i'm doing my circuits and feeling giddy after the stupid jumps.. when i'm aching and breathing hard during water session, these are the ppl who push me to give my all for the not-so-final 20 power strokes. they are the ones who push me to charge at the end even though my arms just wanna drop off.

my younger sister looks at me weird when i'm rowing in my bedroom. i'm wondering why i'm doing push-ups after a vigorous training.. only to hear that crazy voice in my head scolding me for obviously not giving my all during training which allowed for leftover energy. and i'm just pushing until i've collapsed or when i know my muscle has knotted in protest.

i've mentioned this before in a previous post and i still mean every word i've mentioned. it's abt the team. whether you win or lose, it's never about yourself. the only thing that keeps me going for the training is the people whom i know will be down there with me. the only reason why i'm want to stay in singapore so badly for the competition is not to prove myself... but because i've trained too hard with these ppl to just walk away from what we're working for.

in a really old post, i said this:

...i know the feel of defeat.. it's more than the pain and tears that goes into working so hard to attain your goal although you know it doesn't affect your standing in front of your Maker at the end of it all.. it's more than the injuries incurred during training and matches.. it's even beyond the human pride that we take in the human things we do.. it's abt the team going through all that shit with you and no matter what, you know that they're sticking around next year.. it's about what everyone, not just you, has done to attain that common goal.. the motivations that surround you and pushes everyone forward. it's all that and even more but words just seem insufficient to capture everything at this moment.

at the end of the day, i really don't care whether the SMU Dragonz win or lose at the competition. i want to be able to look myself in the mirror and say that i put in 200% of my effort to row for the people in the boat with me. i want to be able to tell myself that the rest of the team did the same as well. that is what a DB winning spirit is. not one with eyes on the medal. but one with eyes on the people around you. the medal is no more than an ornament.. and perhaps a witness to your determination because of your team. but as long as we don't start fighting as a team, we're never going to win, even in our hearts.

***

final updates:

- a status update specially for jeri. it turned out to be nothing more than just a crush that i'm over now. sorry to keep your hopes up. you focus on your own love life and leave mine alone. i've got enough girls on the lookout liao..

- work is terrible. i'm so stressed out.. another long day tmr.. hopefully the rain'll stop soon enough and the distant thunder would be silent. for now, i'm very thankful to mao mao (whom now i will call happy fruit or hf -> "kuai le guo") for his very sweet and encouraging sms (though terribly cliche and cheesy) after i told him abt the rain in my work life.

"Gotta make it shine again."