so i'm finally done with my deadlines for today. only leaving one to deal with when I'm in London.

i have to say that i no longer find it a thrill to accomplish my work before a holiday. usually, i feel strangely energized and eagerly anticipating the holiday. now, i feel like i'm too tired to be excited about my holiday.  doesn't help that I haven't really packed with the exception of my clothes. great. hopefully some anticipation will hit tomorrow.

i can't wait for november. for this shit to lessen and for the next cycle to start. maybe i can convince my boss that i need an associate to help me. there's only so many lunch treats that can keep me happy for the duration of lunch. in the past, i used to deal with shit hitting the fan. shit that could be cleared too. now, the shit is just thrown at me.. it's either a "fyi-here's-shit-just-because!!" or "fya-here's-shit-i-know-you-have-no-authority-to-clear-but-it-has-to-go-somewhere". and it's bleeping a lot of shit.

i still remember how pissed i was when a SM from a public agency knew i was deep in work and terribly busy and yet can ask me why the documents i prepared weren't professionally bound. i wanted to say, "f you. my team has 3 people with better things to do. why don't you bind it with your department of 10 persons?"

the hilarious part was when we handed out the documents, everyone wanted the ones that weren't bound because it was easier for reference. boo-yea.

the part that infuriates me most is that he knows how busy i am. and some matters he brings to me, he knows i have no authority to make a decision but he wants to know an answer immediately to give his boss. WHY CAN'T HIS BLEEPING BOSS CALL MY BOSS?? why the f am i dealing with it???

besides, dickhead, don't tell me you understand. don't make promises that say you'll make sure i'm in a situation where i can handle the things on my plate and that i'll never be overly stressed. 'cos you just break ALL of them. i can take apologies and forgive. but you don't apologize. or rather you rarely do. so don't expect me to not realize that you've broken all your promises. douchebag.



and that's just the tip of the ice berg.



i think mouse wld probably be bored of my ranting now, esp after that insane 40 min breakdown in the middle of the night. so mouse, i'm soooo sorry. here's a special shout out to you for taking care of me that night. thank you for praying for me.

rara smsed me one day at work randomly to make sure i was ok. for some strange reason. she said she felt like i had changed. I was no longer bubbly. no longer happy. she didn't even know what happened in the previous few nights. but through my msgs and the few times we met for drinks, she sensed the difference.

i need to snap out of this. i'm not going to quit my job... i see value in it. more than my previous job offered. it's not something i'm passionate about. but it's still something i believe in.

which is probably why i've asked for prayers during the past 2 months more than I ever had back in the 3+ years of my previous job.


just praying soooo hard that i don't get work emails directed to me when i'm in London. doesn't help that i'm already writing a paper when i'm there. so just praying so damn hard.




sigh.


snap out of this, little girl. there are other matters of consequence that need your attention too. :(