so finally, someone spoke to me.

finally, someone had the guts to point out my character flaws and show me why I was excluded, avoided, ignored...

and it's never felt better.

to have someone tell me that I was lacking. to tell me that I'm complacent and incompetent and all in all, an out-of-control asshole. instead of the person I always thought I reflected: someone with strong work ethics. all that is just bullshit I used to lied to myself with.

I've always wondered why people treat me the way they do and to have someone tell it to my face has lifted one load off my shoulders and put another. one that I am willing to carry and determined to lessen on my own. the burden of being a scum and leaving people frustrated with me.

my only wish is that someone had been brutally honest with me from the start. but my obnoxious character had prevented all that. it's still my fault and now this is something I need to fix.

my mom was right from the start. I am my own enemy and the only reason why I'm on meds now. there's no excuse for my situation except for my own failings and shortcomings.

so many things I can do now. I can watch myself. start penciling more of these thoughts and ways to improve myself. start my therapy sessions and monitor the mood swings and drowsy state that the meds put me through.

It's 2016 and I'm determined to recover and find a better me through God's grace. let's go.