so many questions left unanswered. and i don't really care if they get answered. but so many questions...

if you knew all I was going through, why didn't you talk to me? why didn't you care?

if you knew I was going to the doctor's, why do you never ask how it went? why didn't you care?

after I came clean, why didn't you ask me how you could help? why did you assume you knew what my triggers were? why didn't you care?

you told me to change. I tried but you didn't change. no response. no feedback. you never changed. why didn't you care?

This is me no longer being a liability to anyone but myself. This is me relieving everyone else from pretending to care about me. it must have been hard... having to deal with me being around. This is me doing what I should have done a long time ago, sparing everyone else from me.

I still hear the voices once in a while. telling me that i'm not worth their time. telling me that i'm a goddamn awful fuck up who is better off gone and not in people's lives. I still hear the loud berating voices that tell me to spare the world of my existence. that their jokes of them being better off without me aren't jokes at all. I still hear the voices asking me why I think that people's hurtful words are reflective of their character and not of mine. I hear them screaming at me, telling me that I'm not worth caring about. I can still feel my breath shortening. I can still feel my hands shaking and my mind getting muddled up again. i can feel the weight of defeat sitting strong on my shoulders.


and then I hear that little voice that murmurs, "those voices in your head are not lying, you know."

and that little voice just undermines everything L tried so hard to convince me otherwise of. murmurs of my conscience or of the devil? or are they the same thing because I'm just that rotten?


yet, there are those who insist on being around me. who insist on holding my shaking hands. who insist on hugging me when i'm trembling and suffering from yet another anxiety attack. who pray so hard for me. who keep telling me that i'm not a burden. who keep trying to talk over the voices in my head. who keep telling me that people's words and actions aren't only a reflection of my imperfections but of their characters, be it unforgiving or unkind or just plain toxic.

there are those who hold me close and try to cover my eyes and ears to protect me because they think I'm worth saving.


That said, I am not bitter. I have no regrets.

I can't tell people to stay by my side or to leave me. or at least I can't force them to do what they do not want to do.

But I can do is to start to get better. I need to recover. to heal. I need to spare those who choose to still be around me. that I will stop being a burden to those who have not left me. I need to remember that a flawless work record and credentials aren't important but learning and growing and being a friend, a carer, is important.

I just need time. that's all I'm asking for. some time in my cave built with books and beer. just some time.