so it suddenly happened. an unexpected text reply set it off.

that familiar giddiness.. that uneasiness and shivering while my eyes were unable to focus.

but I bit my tongue instead of typing out a furious reply. I wasn't sure if it was rage or exasperation or panic. or maybe a bit of everything. I actually stopped, closed my eyes, and muttered a quick prayer for my heart to quieten before responding.

the other party's high emotions softened after my next few replies as I typed them out with shaking hands. I controlled my breathing and tried to quieten the blood pounding in my ears to silence the way Liz taught me.

I'm always grateful for the angels that God sent to help me out for the rest of my life's journey. the angels that toughened me up. the angels that reprimanded me for my sake, not theirs. the angels that encouraged me. that angels that held my hand quietly without reproach or judgement.


but at the same time, Liz's parting words made sense. recovery isn't easy. when all is going well, and there aren't triggers, it's easy to lie to myself and tell myself that I'm perfectly fine. like the massive time of my life between last few years of uni to the last few years of my previous employment.

there are still residual problems that I need to work on. there's a lingering part of my mind that isn't quite right yet and I have to manage it when the time comes again or a relapse would creep in again.

and yet, I'm grateful for all that I am today and all that I've dealt with in the past 30+ years of my life. God is truly good and gracious. Even as I go into the new year, may I cling to these truths as I continue in life.