A year has come to pass and another has chanced upon us unknowingly.. and i'm not ready for it at all..

there's something about this year that scares me.. change? but as one of the most cliche sayings go.. "change is the only constant". i can deal with change.. but there's smth in me that remains reluctant to go on and strive to go back to my younger and more naive days..

over dinner, i was reminded that the new year will bring new challenges and we have to grow up a little more.. but i don't want to suddenly. as a child, i longed for time to stand still (until i had my first sip of alcohol when i was sec 3/4 but that's besides the point). i'm still longing for time to stand still. i'm growing i know.. but i'm growing far too fast.

part of me still lives in the past where i sing on top of my voice in the sch with my pri mates... another soul lingers on untirelessly in EL6 and 5.12 that were converted into bridging grounds, both for the game and relationships forged. a bit of me still haunts pulau ubin where jer and ford entertain with ns songs. i guess.. what i'm really saying is that... i'm a little lost as time leaves me clinging to my memoirs.

i'm not talking abt physical growth... spiritually, there's nothing more i would lurve to be then to be more mature.. more understanding of God's word.. but emotionally.. i don't wanna grow up. i don't want to worry that i'm going to lose bits of my family to the grim reaper.. i don't wanna think abt dying cold and alone inside.. too much has happened and i kinda feel that i've had enough of change.

i don't need anyone at this point to tell me what to think, how to think.. what to do and how to do it.. i'm just going to sit in a corner and watch the world thru my own two eyes.. and pray so hard that God continues to bless me and give me the strength to get by each day... that i will truly be content with what i have and deal with each challenge that the world throws at me.

-------------------------------------------------------------
she's faced the hardest times you could imagine
everytime her eyes fought back the tears
and when her youthful world was about to fall it
each time her slender shoulders bore the weight of her tears
and the sound that no one hears
still rings in midnight silence in her ears

let her cry for she's a lady
let her dream for she's a child
let the rain fall down upon her
she's a free and gentle flower growing wild
and if by chance that i should hold her
let me hold her for a time
and if allowed but one possession
i will take her from the garden to be mine

be careful how you touch her for she'll awaken
and sleep's the only freedom that she knows
and when you look into her eyes, you won't believe
the way she's always paying for a debt she never owes
and the silent wind still blows that only she can hear
and so she goes

let her cry for she's a lady
let her dream for she's a child
let the rain fall down upon her
she's a free and gentle flower growing wild
- Color Me Badd
-------------------------------------------------------------

don't try to change me
don't try to take away my space
just let me continue to be that child that kisses the rain
let me continue to be that child who laughs, cries and dreams.

i'm back!!!! quick update on taiwan.. erm... ok.. a short one considering it's for a whole of 8 days.. ahaha

Day 1:
off to a slow start. SQ is da best for giving me a magnum classic after lunch! Ate super a lot for dinner at a restaurant before heading for Taipei 101. already thinking of stuff i wanna buy.. (boots.. jacket..) hotel room was really cool! there's a glass screen where you can look into the huge bathroom from the bedroom. of course there's a blind to roll down, you pervies...

Day 2:
head to a couple of sites.. a really grand hotel with tonnes of antiques, SYS memorial and Song Meiling's garden before heading to Jiufen up in the mountains for lunch. the bus konked up.. then came the crazy train ride to Hualien to spend the night. did i mention that they have 700cc bubble tea for freaking S$1.75? it's huge!

Day3:
Left Hualien for Kaoshiong. Along the way, went to taroko gorge and stopped to admire swallow grotto. rediscover the geology nut in me. sedimentary rocks at one of it's amazing formation! (i'm still wondering why i'm doing accountancy..) the bus konked up for the second time. delayed by one whole hour before we got to Liuhe night mkt. Ate a lot again.. you tiao, egg noodles, oyster omellete, dead spicy chicken wings, sausage, smelly beancurd.. and fell in love!! with a husky and a black chow chow.

Day 4:
went shrine-hopping before heading to a Hakka village. another super long drive before reaching Taichong (yesh, so far, diff hotel every night..). Headed for Nai Cha Jie (milkl tea street..) before dinner. Dinner was in a rather interesting boat-like restaurant (Wu Jiao) where the toilet was really pretty but confusing. Went to Fengjia night mkt and bought christmas prezzies! still searching for mules/boots and jacket.

Day 5:
left Taichong to go tomato plucking. really sweet and juicy! the flowers up at miaoli were pretty pretty. lunch was aites and returned to taipei. had an accidental strawberry plucking session when the bus konked up again. upon reaching taipei, headed for danshiu where it was freaking cold! then went to fisherman's wharf where the Lovers' Bridge was. nice view. had a bbq buffet dinner. omg.. ate so much meat! hilarious time. one of the girls in the grp and i shared a grill and started to cook and push the food to the our fathers.. next was Xi Men Ding. First sighting of jappie-looking eye candy from another tour grp! but think he's younger than me. argh.

Day 6:
Went to this tribal shop.. not embarrassed to say i started tearing when i saw the deer foetus that they use for medicinal purposes. evil.. next up, antique museum where the stone carved pork and jade carved lettuce are famous. Mala hot pot for lunch. killed my tastebuds and nose. Took the ferris wheel at miramir. second largest in Asia. the first largest is in Tokyo, at Odaiba.. ahaha.. I've sat both! the drive up the mountains freshen me up and the hot spring was ichiban! Drove back to Shilin night mkt where ate some more and shopped more. (damn broke now...) and oh, saw my jappie eye candy though i obviously know that he's a singaporean. his earring made him even more all so cute.

Day 7:
Free and ez day. hit the malls after brekkie. had lunch at sogo. blardy big bowl of udon. ate until i was nauseaous and i was only half done with the freaking bowl. headed for rouhe night mkt in the evening. christmas shopping is done and i'm officially broke. first and last early night in taiwan. ahahaha..

Day 8:
Time to head home. went to the memorial hall and finally drove to the outskirts of Taipei towards the airport where we stopped for lunch and last minute shopping for food items. nope. didn't see jap eye candy anymore *sobz*. no celebs too.. haiz.. what to do?

long post? ahahaha.. i never bought my boots or jacket.. got jeans, earrings (yes.. more earrings..) and a sweater for myself. Singapore's really warm and i'm getting a little giddy already.. think it'll be an early night for me.. i.e. before 11.. ahaha.. going to post up a few pics too! a bit more to go!

with the rampant updating, feels like i'm trying to make up for the time i'll disappear in taiwan.. ahaha.. failed to blog abt the december camp. i missed the first 2 days! but for the time i was there, i did enjoy myself. i remember getting hysteric when jane, walking back to the chalet, was calling my name really loudly. i stared at her from inside the chalet and ran to the room, locking the door. don't ask me why but i was really scared! looking at the pics, i'm glad everyone seemed to be having tonnes of fun!

evil kairen attacks a very blur and sleeping jianhong..

my darling narnia crew! up next! pray for the sanity of the following ppl, pls. let's begin...

bryan (argh!! it's spongebob jianhong! bet it was bryan's idea.)

the whole of kairen's grp (i wasn't there, i swear.. poor muscle woman josh.)

wai and cy (yesh, they are chasing jer the centaur)

and what's a camp without a few confused ppl? (don't worry guys.. i still regard u as my dearest brothers..)

the trust fall pictures were really funny.. esp those where the ppl falling clasped their hands in a prayer position, closing their eyes... ahaha. trick to doing a proper trust fall is not to bend your body... no knees.. no waist... ramrod straight. this way when you fall, the wgt is distributed throughout those catching you. (larger surface area, same amt of force, less pressure). safer too.. so your body won't fall through any hole. argh.. too many pictures that i wanna put up..

great camp peeps..

in the gym again actually... the gym ppl (me included) have got one of the best RnB cd collections! Phuture should hire us for Wed nights... you'd get ppl rushing in at 9 to dance for sure! k k.. going back to hit the machines!

thanks for the pics, bryan!

First day of work yday.. pretty exciting. ahahaha..

anywayz, at abt 1.30 pm it's getting cold. i'm sitting at the desk, chatting to felicia via msn. Suddenly, this head pops out behind the wall that leads to the guys' bathroom. This poor dude trying to hide his body behind the wall awkwardly tells me that he cannot open his locker where all his clothes were (now we know where guys put their clothes while showering...). I'm trying not to laugh at his predicament all this time and run to get Fred to open the locker.

sure. i know how to open locked lockers. but i wouldn't want to go into the guys' showers now with that poor dude inside, would i??!!?? i don't even know his state of decency! Fred soon opened the locker and came out, grinning and shaking his head. when the guy (whose identity i shall not disclose) came out, he was red. no idea if it was his tan or he was dead embarrassed. when he left, i chuckled.

SMU peeps are strange in funny ways most of time. wonder what the next few days will bring.

anywayz, been superly lazy. haven't packed for taiwan. i'm just procrastinating like nobody's business and think i'm going to take a 2 hr nap later.. hee hee. phuture was only.. "ok" last night. it took the DJs super long to warm up. then the dance floor filled up with impatient violent dancers. i started to stick my elbows out in defence. and i saw my jc eye candy! but he's younger than me by one year. i wanted to say hi to him... but chickened out. (don't scold me, jt)

can't wait for taiwan.. that frosting bite on the cheeks whenever the wind blows... the frozen fingers seeking warmth from the neck.. not that it'll be incredibly cold. i've had colder. but i'm just looking to get away from the humid heat...

anywayz, still waiting for pictures from dom, debz and jt from the thailand trip.. hee hee. i might end up blogging abt taiwan and thailand together..
i couldn't resist this last one. c'est la vie is really nice! this is one of the few i like more. and you have the actual pierre instead of a KOF lookalike. btw jt, don't you think pierre looks like james? tall, lanky, long hair... eye bags.. ahahaha.

Yes, back from Thailand.. and i'm trying to unpack and pack for Taiwan right now.

Thailand was fun. we ate and shopped soooo much! JT and i just went mad... after our first day in chatuchak, we couldn't resist and returned another time. but our second time there was strictly for buying Christmas presents! i didn't buy aaaaaaall the presents there. i still intend to make truffles for my dearies.

i'll update more on thailand when i get the pictures from the various cameras. it was nevertheless fun despite the stress once in a while. oh well..

chanced upon two websites. hilarious really..

C'est La Vie
it's a comic strip.. life of Mona. i lurve pierre. how can one not love him? (though he looks like that dude from King of Fighters here..)

Potterpuff
Powerpuff meets Harry Potter... 'nuff said.

ok... thailand trip and photos coming up the next time!

Studying this time round was actually.. fun. stressful but fun. Everyone's sending encouragement notes to each other. And '84 guys who have finally entered SMU prove that army does make you appreciate girls just a bit more. Meeeeeeeeee Ttttttt... ahahah. k lah. i promised not to make fun of him that way anymore..

There was also the usual dosage of hugs from my darling girls and they were seriously babying me. The number of people giving me massages increased drastically even when I don't ask for them to do so. The amount of food I get fed with. Comfort grub is the way to go. And my darling friends just have the most amazing food that I love like seaweed, chocolate, chips, candy and the list goes on.

Sure, they can be loud, noisy and absolutely impossible to study with at times... but they make up for it by being the sweetest bunch of people to study with. Plus, I just have to ask nicely and everyone's back to heavy studying.

But of course, it's not just them. Darly tried to make me rest and even offered to wake me up to study. Nearly everyone was been telling me to get more rest and calling me crazy. I am just glad that no one threatened to tie me to my bed yet to get me to sleep.

but the exams are over!! hee hee.. today's the first day of the first aid course. it's the usual gym gang.. david t, ber, jerry... er.. i can't remember everyone's name. But so far, the course has been interesting.. i'll need to pack for the chalet and thailand soon. the half marathon was crazy though. 21.1 k later, i'm aching like mad. thank God for counterpain.

oh.. i was kinda tired from studying and talking to friends, i came up with the following list. enjoy!

You Know You're A SMUgger when:
1. People can tell you are stressed even when you're not at your books
2. You find yourself in a vicious cycle: you listen to sad songs and get depressed -> when you don’t listen to songs, you are distracted by noise -> when you listen to songs, you can only tolerate sad songs
3. You start to cry uncontrollably.
4. Your friends start to baby you just in case you cry.
5. Your friends start to baby you, period.
6. When your friends ask what they can do for you, you tell them to pray for your sanity.
7. You get hit by headaches one time too many.
8. You forget to drink water.
9. You forget to eat.
10. You ignore your growling tummy and will it to stop growling.
11. Your mother is no longer sarcastic when she tells you she thinks you're going to go loco from studying.
12. You no longer sleep/stone on your way to school. Instead, you entertain your notes.
13. You start to work on assignments on public transport.
14. You are dazed when surrounded by anything else besides books and studying people.

My exams are coming up.. starts on monday and ends on wed.. following is the schedule for the rest of the year..

27 Nov: morning shopping followed by studying in school
28 Nov: A.Audit exam 2 pm @NSR2.1 SOA
29 Nov: Study
30 Nov: Income Tax exam 9 am @NSR2.2 SOA; Ethics exam 2 pm @SR3.4 SOB; Mambo night!
1 Dec: Rent Musical; Siam Supperclub (this one is strictly for girls only! if interested, let me know!)
2 Dec: Lunch Appt with Granny
3 Dec: Sleep
4 Dec: StandChart 21 km; Debz 20th bday
5 Dec: First Aid Course; Dinner at Jeri's
6 Dec: First Aid Course
7 Dec: First Aid Course; Chalet
8 Dec: Chalet
9 Dec: Chalet; Jane's 21st
9-12 Dec: Bangkok Trip
13-16 Dec: Suntanning/K-ing/Morton's martinis and steak sandwich/Bakerzin!
17-24 Dec: Taiwan

ok.. that's all that's planned for now.. waaaaaah... i'm getting stressed just by looking at it. still can't confirm my house for christmas. haiz. hoping to secure it. 3 projects in progress...

~ BGR course ~
This is an interesting one. i came up with a very simple concept at my first cf bgr talk. and it somehow evolved to this:
- BGR101: Who (to choose)?
- BGR102: When (is the timing right)?
- BGR103: What (to do)?
- BGR201: How (to maintain)?
- Elective: Singlehood is worth rejoicing.

so far, i've got materials for most parts. if anyone has more suggestions or would like to contribute, do let me know. i'm actually serious about this.. can it be considered a handbook? erm... i have no idea. But it'll be fun.. muahahaha

~ SMUCF Logo ~
I've been thinking of creating a nice logo for the CF. but never got around to doing it. so we've been using Bok's one old. it's really nice but unless it's black and white, it's not very noticeable.

My plan? i'll make it into a logo design competition! hee hee.. and i'll sponsor the prize. it's not going to be something expensive, i apologize. likely to be a nice book or rather, a book voucher which means greater flexibility for the winner? i derno. will need to develop this further and talk to the exco about it. great thing abt this is that we get the cfers all working together... a greater sense of belonging? hopefully.

nevertheless, it should be interesting if it works out.

~ SMUCF X-mas Party ~
last year, we had a small one at mich's place. this year, it'll be bigger. if i can get my house.

i derno.. if i can't get my house, it's then likely that i won't have enough time on my side to do much of the planning, right? if i can secure my place for the 27th, it'll be massive, i promise. we'll have it true party style.. appetizers, main courses, desserts, drinks (bring on the glogg!)... of course it'll be themed and the usual gift exchange style.. i'm dreaming a little too ahead. i can't even confirm my house yet. annoying sia.

***

Besides all that, xiang's got his "angel talk" strip coming out... i'll be missing the preview of Narnia on the 19th (damn! you guys better watch with me when i come back!). and Caroling in January as well. still derno how active i wanna be with regards to that. i mean, c'mon, i cannot sing. david c tried to threaten me into joining the project..

"if you don't join, i'll join!"

I gave him a funny look.

"then you join lorh."

idiot.

Btw, thinking about next term's fun/sportsday suddenly... anyone got any fresh ideas? i'm becoming a little stale already.. losing steam. year 1-4s are welcomed to take it from me.

And the battle continues...

me (to yc)> hey police!

jt (sitting opposite me)> Puddings? why is he "puddings"?

*sweatdrop*

right.. "dearie" is not affectionate enough right? "puddings" is a lot more affectionate, ain't it? oh well, not one to be defeated by the boy previously known as lemming, i shall henceforth declare his english name as puddings!


everyone.. yc has another english name. Puddings. puddings samuel chen. please address him as such. to the guys out there, you can be as affectionate as you want to when addressing him. thank you.

MSN
(conversation window with Steph)

Me@10:36:02 pm> dearie

Me@10:36:11 pm> u look reeeeeally tired

Me@10:36:15 pm> oh

Me@10:36:19 pm> chey

Me@10:36:26 pm> yc.. this is not meant for u



shoot me... somebody.. anybody.. shoot me.



How was I to know that he was using steph's computer!!!!!!!!!?????!!!?!??!?!



alternatively, wake me up from this nightmare.



and if you're wondering, it's 10:51 now.. and i'm still cringing inside..

From where we last left off...

The happy troopers left Magic Wok and made for Bakerzin at Raffles City in search for good desserts. When they settled down, cakes were ordered. Soon, another joined them and three more cakes were ordered. and thus begins the journey..

ok, so i'm crapping. i'm trying to make it sound pretty but obviously, it's not working. anywayz, we order a number of cakes at bakerzin. delish! forks were picked up, cakes were poked at and eaten.. and the gorgeous choc liquor. simply breath-taking.

isn't it a beauty? the fudge was so thin and rich at the same time. the cake hinted of slight liquor, leaving us stumped at the amazing sensation on our tastebuds. we were all swooning and bryan was drunk with euphoria. did i mention the juicy liquor injected berries? jingting and i were savoring it until dorcas remarked with half a berry in her mouth.

"i don't like alcohol."

we laughed and continued the cake. but it wasn't the only good stuff around.. the warm chocolate left us in anticipation.

of course bryan chose to be funny and insisted on taking shots after shots of the cake despite our complains abt the melting vanilla ice cream. once he was done, all the forks dove down for real this time. by the time everyone had their first bite, the cake looked... mutilated. but the rich thick chocolate syrup oozing out of the cake left us smiling for a while.
when we were done, dorcas declared that a group picture be taken. calling the waiter over, we wanted to stand with our backs facing the road but decided we wanted the cafe to be seen. so we turned around and jon pan stood at the entrance where the signage was. we then made our way over and the waiter snapped a shot once all the girls smiled brilliantly. then bryan wailed.

"I wasn't ready!"

after the second shot, the waiter brought out the next camera and after the flash went off, bryan wailed again.

"I wasn't ready again!"

so we took another shoot. ahahaha.. i decided that the nicest picture will go up! i had to crop the picture though.

food was good.. company was fun.. the view even better! everything just looked sooooo good that night! and jingting would of course know what i'm talking abt..

It's annoying.. i've been gettting weird comments... but i don't wanna delete the "comments" link. so i've relegated to moderating my comments and deleting nonsensical ones. and i would like a new template too.. so tempted to not study and do up a pretty template to relieve stress.. but i digress from my motive today.. revert.. revert...


at times, i really don't need that additional stress..

i don't feel terribly stressed 'cos it's been accumulating even before school started.. things that snowball really slowly are harder to detect 'cos your system just adapts to it easily. but when your prof can tell that you are stressed just by looking at you, it has to account for smth. so when prof tay pointed it out to me, i smiled back weakly. when i tell people my schedule, they think it's crazy when i run from meeting to meeting, from class to class..

and yet i don't feel it. i haven't had "moments" since the mid-week break.

"moments"?

yea. "moments" are what i call times when i have difficulty breathing. disclaimer, i do not have asthma. but there are times when i just find it hard to breathe and my whole chest constricts. after a while, the long painful deep breaths give me a throbbing headache where all i can do is to sit and close my eyes 'cos the dancing black and gray spots make me giddy. and i'm just praying for the headache and "moment" to go away. i cannot lie down 'cos it worsens the whole thing.

right now, i guess there's a really thin line between crashing and staying alive for me. i'm merely hanging by the thread and yet people threaten to cut my lifeline over and over again. when they snip it, i throw a thinner one to hoist myself up. but i'm going to run out of lifelines soon. i am going to crash and burn.

i've been to the edge and back abt twice i think... the first time, i was so stressed, i semi passed out.. then had a falling sensation. and i cldn't shake out of it. i just kept falling. when i finally shook out of it, i was lying on the bed in cold sweat. being young (i was only in primary school), i burst into tears.

the second time was in smu, during corp reporting class. there was a sudden pain in my chest and i couldn't breathe properly. my lungs tightened and i cldn't even take slow deep breaths which just made me panic. my head was giddy and i couldn't sit up straight as the pain seized my shoulders. i remember staring at jane who was pretty worried. i cldn't even take a sip of the water and my eyes were all teary.

and i've broken down once. where i sobbed until i was hiccuping away and couldn't breathe properly. my older sis was so worried 'cos she could see the vein at my temple. it was throbbing so badly that i cried even harder.. that night, i realized that there is such a thing as tearless crying. and it's an awful feeling 'cos your chest just tightens with each tearless sob.

so i really don't need additional stress. unless you're keen to see me in the hospital, then bring it on. actually, it may do me good. why don't people just knock me out permanently?

Week 12(7-11 Nov):
- BOSS (who wanna bid with moi?)
- A. Audit Presentation

Week 13(14-18 Nov):
- Spanish Quiz
- Income tax report
- FIIM report

Week 14(21-25 Nov):
- Spanish Oral Exam
- FIIM quiz

Week 15(28 Nov - 2 Dec):
- A.Audit exam
- Income tax exam
- Ethics exam

4 dec: Standard Chartered Half-Marathon

Week 16(5-9 Dec):
- First Aid course (tentative)
- Dec Camp

9-2 Dec: Bangkok Trip

17-24 Dec: Taiwan Trip (unconfirmed)




*Deep Breath*


No matter how i look at it, it still spells "Crash and Burn" in flashing neon lights framed with sparkly Christmas lights. i think i'll crash in bangkok and burn when i come back to Singapore.. to pick up the pieces of my splittered self to enjoy taiwan. if i don't go taiwan, i refuse to go to oz or anywhere in the southern half of the world or the tropics. I need to feel that freezing sensation on my cheeks once more.. to feel that cold biting wind in between my fingers so i can breathe out warm vapor on them once more... so that it truly feels like it's going to be christmas again.

My dearies, it's time to line up the Christmas, post-Christmas and pre-new year parties!

But first, the crazy sem at SMU.


*newly invented expletives*