gave water training a miss yday 'cos of my back.. which was good anywayz. got hit by cramps at noon. was pretty grouchy 'cos my lower back was achy for the rest of the day. so decided to run today.. i haven't gone for a long run since... week 3 of sch? supposed to go run at 5.30.

5 pm, it starts to pour. blasted rain. i'm hoping it ends by 5.30.

5.20 pm and it stops. i ask fred if i'd be testing the limit of the weather. he says yes and that he's gonna make use of it to go to HV (rain = more parking spaces) for a dinner and haircut. i get a bit pissy.

5.27 pm. blasted rain starts again.

5.55 pm. i go into rain, stare at the sky and scold it.

5.57 pm. mom tells me to run around the house. i throw a mini-tantrum and glare at the rain.

6.09 pm. the rain's stopped just as i start to blog. fine.. i'm going to run now... it better not rain when i'm running.. or i'd be really pissed for the rest of the day.. see an email from a friend "Never frown when you're down, you never know who's falling in love with your smile..." *forced smile*


sighz.

random morning thoughts

i'm not a freaking morning person.. i'm sorry, i'm not.


i don't get grouchy. i'm just.. a little more blur than ever.

so this morning, as usual, mommy dropped me off at sch a little too early for class. so i went to the gym. yy was kind enough to let me take a nap in the corner near the cupboards. a short while later, cj came along. at that time, i was resting on my lappie. he promptly produced a sleeping bag for me to use as a pillow. made the morning a little more bearable for me.

after that, i went to get breakfast before class.. and thought i saw a friend. i kinda stared a little too long, wondering if it was really my friend or not. the guy then smiled. i smiled back. then realized he's not my friend. shit. i'm damn blur. at least i'm seen as friendly.. i hope.

after that, i kinda just kept my gaze undirected and unmoving.. no eye contact means no more mistakes. yes, i'm dead blur in the morning.

the level 4 water cooler has a high projectile jet. sorry to bring up physics terms. just cldn't think of another way to describe it. but anywayz, it reminds me of that scene in Great Expectations. where pip is drinking from the water cooler. then estella comes over and drinks from the same jet of water, allowing their lips to meet. my thoughts aren't terribly coherent in the morning..

Oh! in my post on musicals and perception, i mentioned that would like to watch carmen. and guess what! it's coming to singapore!

ok.. quick background on the story. it talks abt a gypsy lady, Carmen. She dances and seduces her way out of prison and into the hearts of men, ultimately leading to her downfall when one of them allows love to drive him quite mad and kills her when she doesn't love him back.

Anyone wanna watch? (details, click here) lemme know!!

my new gym schedule is up for until nov. my dear friends, if you wanna visit me in the gym (oh please do please do please do), lemme know then i'll tell u my gym schedule. and oh! call me before that too. just in case i'm hungry. heez.

middle of week 4..

and i'm dead tired already. by about 12 midnight, i'm lethargic, a far cry from the usual me who'd still have the stamina to continue my readings or msning until 2 in the morning. perhaps i'm really older. 22 already. but at times, i feel like i'm still 19, finally discovering the world for myself and learning a little more each day. i don't know..

still remember running around toys'r'us with henry that year.. i was christmas shopping. the dear boy (whom i'm missing sooo much) came along after we bought his goggles at queensway. it was the most fun outing to toys'r'us ever for me. for once, no one was pulling toys out of my hands and giving me a "why don't you act ur age/grow up?" look. instead, he played along with me. i laughed 'til i cried that day. that silly boy has that ability to do that to me..

in case you're wondering why i miss him now... he kinda disappeared after he got a gf. haiz. what to do right?

but oh well.. i would love to do that again.. with a friend who'd just allow me to lose myself to that little girl inside once again.. and make it such a comfortable and memorable experience for me as well. where i don't have to act my age.. but that isn't the point of the blog..

i just wanted to say that i've been tired. i honestly haven't been pleasant during the past week. just flustered with everything. last week, i cried while walking home. just the tiny matters snowballing and making it worse for me. and then me realizing that i haven't been very nice to the cfers who have been there for me all the time. and i cried so hard, ignoring the cars that went by me.

at that point, i wanted to be hugged.. i wanted to be cuddled.. i wanted someone to hold my hand and tell me that he'd be there for me. from there, i thought abt the nameless/faceless guy that i had dreamt about before. not daydreams. but real dreams that come to one upon slumber. in those dreams, the guy would hold my hand.. he'd hugged me.. he'd make me secure even if i was crying. and i would wake with the sensation of dried tears on my face. just thinking abt all that, i cried even harder that night as i walked in.

no. i don't want a bf. but perhaps, i need one. *shrugs*

if anything, what James said today just made me smile a little today.. removed the tiredness when i was really reminded of the love from God. one question just kept resounding in my head..

"Why did You choose me? Why choose to love me when i couldn't even love myself?"

then it hits home.. i never realized how much more i needed Him in my life. for that stability.. for that peace to know that one day, all this tiredness will be gone. all my tears will be wiped dry. all because He chose to love me even before the foundations of the world.

still tired.. but it makes things a little easier i guess... to really want to live my life because of His love for me. plus, i managed to get eileen to take my shift tmr.. so i'm free to do my readings and spend more time with the cfers in the lib. and it's times like these where i look at the quotes in the sidebar.. and get a little more encouraged.. the three quotes mean a little smth to me.

"In Christ alone" is smth i sing to myself when i'm tired and just need a break.. reminder that it's gonna take more than the world to break me. as for the little poem from Band of Brothers, i just thought it was a good reminder to live a Christ-like life.

the last quote, "Lean on me" was introduced to me by Ben. my dog had just passed away then and i was going thru a really hard time in sch 'cos it was the period of presentations and quizzes. then Ben smsed me those very words when he learnt that i was struggling along. it's been great comfort, my dear brother, even up to today.

but yea... like i said, i'm too easily exhausted now.. 12.36 am and i'm lying on my pillows as i type this entry. the screen is a blur (also because i'm short sighted and the screen is against my lap. (erm.. yar lah. funny position to imagine.. but very comfy). think i'll give the gym a miss for thurs and fri. really need to just rest now. get the energy back.

when i was walking to mr lim's place for my massage, i hear the rain falling on the tin roof.

i never realized how much i missed it.

when i was younger, i shared a bedroom with my older sister. and we didn't have a "posh" roof unlike now. it was a plain tin roof that all old bungalows had back then. and whenever it rained at night, i would let the sound of the rain falling on the tin roof lure me into sleep. there was smth calming about the rhythmic monotony of the song of the rain.

it was never noise. it was the rain's lullaby to me. and we used to have old glass windows. the rain on the tin roof accompanied by the pelting of the rain on the glass panes. i never grew tired of it. even when i never stopped to appreciate it, the lullaby always did its job. of calming me. of singing me to sleep while the scent of the rain lingered around.

when i finally heard it again after 6 years, i just closed my eyes and took a deep breath. i smelt nothing but the scent of the rain. and i just thanked God for reminding me that even after soooo long...




there are some things that really don't disappoint you because they'll never change.

i don't like it when my friends are under attacks by people they don't even know.

it just isn't smth that i wanna see my friends go thru... to see that depressed/angry/upset/hurt side when we're talking.. then to see them put up a happy front when facing the rest of the world. if i know that it's just people teasing them, i will even play along. but when they are really "under fire", i just can't take it lying down. perhaps it's just me that has this insatiable need to want to protect my friends.

you may say that i'm being biased 'cos these are my friends.. and that the world is entitled to have their opinions of anyone they wish. i don't disagree with that. but the world is not entitled to make another person feel smaller than he/she is when the world hasn't seen that side that makes that very same person someone special to me.

those people may just just take away that very essence of what makes that friend so special to me.. it could be the trust the person has in me to want to open up in ways that he/she never thought possible.. it could even just be the simple way the person always brightens up my day. and i don't want to lose that part of my dear friends..

third week of sch is only starting.. and i've had more than 2 such cases already.. where my friends open up to me. abt how tired they have been because of the struggles they have have with things that have been said to them or abt them. and i can't do anything but just sit and listen to them, while praying that my advice will help in some way. all i can do is hold them and assure them that everything will work out somehow. ok, in the case of my guy friends, all i can do is to assure them.. and i pray.. i just pray so hard that they don't fall. that if they do fall, i'll be there to catch them.

the situation is not as serious as it may seem. i just don't ever want my friends to have to go thru what i went thru in sec sch or even jc. i know what it's like to feel down and out and utterly consumed by depression. i know what it's like to be under fire for actions that make you uniquely yourself. i just want to protect them from taking that path of destruction that i took and veered off finally. just want to make sure that day will never come. which is why it's such a big and personal thing for me. that's why i'm just upset abt the passiveness of my actions 'cos i really can't think of ways to help them more.




but if my listening ear and reassuring hug is what i can give most to them, then my ears and arms are always open.

*****
In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday. Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older. And, there on television, she said it was "exciting." Regarding body changes, she said there were many, occurring every day...like her breasts. They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist, first. The audience laughed so hard they cried. She is such a simple and honest woman, with so much wisdom in her words!

Maya Angelou said this:"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow."

"I've learnt that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."

"I've learnt that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life."

"I've learnt that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a life'."

"I've learnt that life sometimes gives you a second chance."

"I've learnt that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back."

"I've learnt that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision." "I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one."

"I've learnt that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back."

"I've learnt that I still have a lot to learn."

"I've learnt that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."




and i'm sitting here, wondering how many lives i've made a positive impact in. then i pause to think.. it's not the number of lives i've touched.. but it's how i'll never forget how my friends made me feel.

One can only wonder why i'm inexplicably drawn to musicals.. i'm that girl you see on the streets. i'm no one special to the world at large.

i club. i shop. i chill with gfs over coffee. i diet. i giggle. i cry at movies. just like any other girl that i know.

but once i step into that dimly lit hall, i find myself being transported to a new place if the performances blow me away. anyone watched Hugh Jackman do "One Night Only"? He's bloody brilliant. to quote "For Good" from the musical Wicked, "like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes the sun". i slip into a mode that i never find anywhere else. there's something about the singers that fascinate me with their voices. anyone remember watching Fame when it came to Singapore? when i heard Nick Piazza sing "I wanna make magic", i got the goosebumps.

so when i went to watch cabaret, i got my hands on Fei Xiang's album "Broadway Album". After watching cabaret, i was glad that i bought the CD. sure, his voice lacks michael buble's young-man-with-an-old-voice style. he's no jazz artist like Frank Sinatra which meant that he disappointed me on this take with "I get a kick out of you"..

but as a musical performer.. he blew me away. his voice can be gentle and soothing.. or brash and fun (Remember "Two Ladies"?).. people act with actions or their words. Fei xiang acts with his lush velvety voice that makes me smile when he sings "Some Enchanted Evening" from South Pacific.

Some enchanted evening
When you find your true love,
When you feel her call you
Across a crowded room,
Then fly to her side,
And make her your own
For all through your life you
May dream all alone.
- Some Enchanted Evening "South Pacific"

His rendition of "One night only" was much much better than Hugh Jackman. don't get me wrong, i think Jackman is a fantastic singer. but it's different from Feixiang's that holds some age to it, making his voice clearly distinct to him. when i came home and walked into the study, i heard one sentence from the song playing on the computer and i knew that it was him.

I meant to write about musicals but i wounded up writing about Fei xiang.. ahaha. oh well. at least i have him accompanying me as i work on my tax assignment. sighz~

without you
the hand grips
the ear hears
the pulse beats

without you
the eyes gaze
the legs walk
the lungs breathes

the mind turns
the heart yearns
the tears dry without you

life goes on
but i'm gone
'cos i die without you
- Without You "Rent"

Notice: to all gym users

just because we're behind the counter..
just because you're in front..
just because you're bigger than us in stature..

you still have no right to be condescending to the gym staff, male or female.

you will abide by the gym regulations just as every other student does. if the profs can abide by the regulations and still be nice to us, you, a student just like us, do not have any reason to be mean to us. we don't need your sarcasm. and if you're a "frequent gym user", don't tell us that you always forget your towel. don't make things difficult for us, dammit.

we are diplomatic in how we handle ourselves. we tell you the rules as it is. very simple.

- bring your towel. it's basic courtesy. don't care if you're just using the treadmill or free wgts. bring the towel. not hanky. not a face towel. at least of hand towel lgt.
- don't shout or be a hindrance to others in the gym. basic courtesy
- don't machine-hog
- proper attire please
- USE THE LOCKER THAT WE ASSIGN TO YOU, YOU INCORRIGIBLE BRATS!!

to put it in the words of aristotle, "do not do unto others what you do not want others to do unto you." anytime you need our help, we'll do our best to serve you. ask any of the regulars. we chat with them. we laugh and we joke. we are nice people who will not bite. we are after all fellow students. nothing justifies you to turn nasty and make it hard for us to do our job.





but if you mess with the gym staff, trust me, i will get canjie to sit on you. joking.

i will get canjie to break every bone in your body. not joking.

you can mess with me.. i'll handle you my way. i will not hesitate to destroy every strand of whatever that makes you a man. but i won't. i won't be nasty but you might just regret it. but if anyone of you pricks think that you can bully the other female gym staff, trust me, you're not gonna be let off easily. i don't want to do this but i will protect my girls, you bleeping MCPs.

even if you bring your entire community down to challenge us, you will have to take on the gym guys and our male dragonboaters and/or any of my rugger friends who will be in the gym at that time.

i dare you.

Vivace was a blast as usual. the cf booth did good. bobbs and edmund were really nice too! another event. another set of memories..

old familiar faces stopping by to chat at the booth

smiles from really old friends (sami! jin rui! welcome to SMU!)

usual ones who've been there for me

walking up and down and singing ourselves tired

that gentle affirmation of new friendships forged by the freshmen i've gotten to know

literally jiving to SMUBE that was next to our booth with fellow CFers.

As i watched gwen in a flurry from the beginning up to the point of the end of vivace, i'm just reminded of last year's. and the previous year's even when it was victor and me helming the deck. guess i just really needed a break from planning and organizing. foc 2006 is likely to be my biggest project for the academic year 2006-2007. perhaps my last from heading the organizing team as well. so that means fun day for this year is not my "dai ji" anymore.

time to let go little by little each day. or when graduation day comes for me, i may not want to release the strings that i've held on for so long to. but i kinda believe it's time for me to take a backseat where i guide and advise instead of organizing. shldn't be so daft and pretend that i'm superwoman anymore. i'm not. i'm merely part of the body. and i'm grateful for that.

To all who took pictures with me today, send to me!! thanks!

for more on SMUCF "Christmas in August", refer to http://wishing-you-were-here.blogspot.com/

CHRISTMAS IN AUGUST!

i lurve my darlings for this fantastic idea. we are going caroling. singing carols. for real. we'll be "serenading" the school this friday.

to celebrate Christmas.

in August.

Come and join us at our stationary booth opposite booklink! alternatively, let us search you out and serenade you.

first day of sch.. alone in meeting room with the rest of the bags.. i'm tired after AFA.. just wanna print my notes so i can go home now to run.. but there's no one here.. and i'm hungry.

shucks.

ok.. haven't updated since i got back.. but during my trip, i got to know new people. they take up a tiny part of this chapter but nevertheless, their footprints have been made.

there's jie jie or AK, a nice malaysian lady. spent bulk of my time in the guesthouse chatting with her. then there's en hwa, a korean uni student. very sweet and reminds me of yong 'cos she's crazy abt mike he and ethan zhang too. and two guys. one is from nanhua and has been helping me with my itinerary and directions as well. the other is from kaoshiung. he's a hair stylist with a perpetual smell of ciggie smoke on him. and he's really quite pleasant to talk to.

back in singapore now.. happy and sad..

naturally happy 'cos i'm home where my family and friends are. wondering if the family wants to go back to kaoshiung and visit taitung and pingtung at the same time.. if not, likely to end up going to china. just want somewhere cold.

however, as bored as i was of taipei, i still kinda liked walking shilin and ximending.. if anything, i miss the few other night markets around taiwan like feng jia and liuhe.. and the convenience stores... gosh.. the range of drinks is amazing. they have tea eggs there too! did i mention that i found my "amsterdam" waffles there too? i went ballistic in the supermarket over the range of drinks again. and the amount of affordable and wide range of products in watsons there..

and i miss walking the backstreets of taipei, not really knowing what i'm gonna get at the end. and all that despite the fact that i'm muttering to myself, silently hoping that the motorists going past me will catch it..

"don't kill me, please. don't kill me"

the "feng kuang" belt shopping and 5 pairs of earrings... and i realize that i spoil my younger sister. a bit too much, i think. for the photos, go here:

http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/nookweis/my_photos (under Taipei album, not Taiwan)

didn't really buy clothes for the new term. yet. feel like shopping so badly. and i wanna get a new bag too. wondering if i want a new phone.. eyeing this one.. the sony ericsson K800i.

quadband. whoot! i have no idea what it means but it sounds cool! ahahah.. the main attraction of the phone is the 240x320 screen.. 3.2 mp camera.. music and video player.. it's 115 g.. not too bad lah. plus it's a sleek black. i like. i no money too. i wanna either be a very spoilt child or a very spoilt gf now..
*****

just some random thoughts on the bus home today from jingting's place.. it's funny how some routine things can seem so trivial to some but intense to others. i'm not gonna let guilt and regret gnaw at me anymore. i'll take that chance on me. things will have their way in God's plan.

and oh, i really want to take up that extra musical instrument. narrowed down to violin and guitar. 'cos i dun think the folks at home are gonna take too kindly to me banging away on the drums and it's gonna take up space. i can't put it in the attic. the sounds will echo down.. ahahaha. initially thought the flute wld be ideal.. but the more i think abt it, the less i want to learn it.

violin or guitar.. i need to save up..

(updated the "hope-to-do-before-i-die" list at the side..)

long post ahead!!!
****
everyone's got their own personal vendatta. that demon they want to fight. the skeletons that they need to clean out. ti's just whether they want to admit it, whether they want to acknowledge its existence or not.
*****
1825 12 Aug
Day 1 in taipei. i'm greeted by sights vaguely familiar from memories of the recent december. the sky is a lovely palette of blue, lavender and mild orange from the setting sun. what i wouldn't give to be at danshui right now! i'll have to content with factories against the green backdrop of woodlands. the bus is ambering towards the main station right now and i've sent 3 smses already.

this is no ordinary overseas trip for me. for the first time, i'll be travelling alone. not on a fancy whim though part of me wishes it was so. i've left too many friendly faces behind. for a simple reason: to go to war with myself.

i wanted to fight this battle with myself. to wage war against the me who cannot protect me. i know. i relied on God for all things. i've prayed for this opportunity to trash things out for myself. to finally be able to work with God to protct me. then i can cross off the one line from my "bf-criteria":

- to protect me from me

that's why i have to do this alone. just me and God.

now that i'm in taiwan, i can tell you guys this. pray for me. not just to win this battle. but also that whatever the outcome on the 17th, i'll be satisfied. pray that i'll remain rooted in him. and my safety.

and oh josh, abt ibiza? perhaps it'll be nicer to go with a bunch.. heez

12 Aug 1847
*****
13 aug 2119

there's been an erosion of self confidence. no wait. erosion of self-pride. i'm no longer too proud to admit to the world that i need help.

it may seem ironic that i had to leave singapore to find that out. on contrary, by leaving singapore, i'm forced to seek help from people whom i dun know. people who might not help. it's taking that chance that ppl might not want to do anything abt my state..

a whole day of walking.. i'm tired.

13 aug 2130
*****
14 aug 1252

woke up at 1130. i love dark rooms. no sunlight to wake one up. actually, the sun doesn't have much effect on me unless it's too hot.. heez.

it's 33 out there. lower than the crazy 37 at abt this time oyday. me? in the comforts of a air-conditioned bus headed to yangmingshan (YMS). so it's a cheap tour of the cuty with 98 degrees sining "invisible man" to me on my mp3 player.

seized by a bout of loneliness yday. but unlike the usual berating of myself, i accepted it. perhaps my situation where smses and phone calls are much more expensive helped me. i've accepted that loneliness is a reminder that us humans need people. we crave the need to want and feel wanted. we crave relationships. we were afterall, created as relational beings.

i used to berate myself for feeling upset abt feeling lonely. 'm never really lonely 'cos of God, right? so i'd scold myself for getting upset. but i've learnt... thru loneliness, we are reminded of the horizontal aspect.. of the need to relate to other humans. there's no need to be ashamed of it. instead, see that emotion as God's reminder to us of that horizontal relational aspect.

14 aug 1308
*****
14 aug 1834
a seemingly magical end to the day

i took a mini hike around YMS park before heading to a hot spring bath. had the luxury of soaking alone at 100 NT. that was for the better part of the day.

later went to danshui. bought the local snacks for ppl at home before taking a bus to Fisherman's wharf. i was hoping that the sun would move slower and the bus faster.. by the time i got there, the sun will still up.. but hidden behind the cloud. so i was left with watching the setting of the outline of the sun to the strands of jay chou's "an jing" from a nearby cafe. now i'm on a ferry back to danshui station. the dusk is gorgeous but can't get a decent picture. heez.. dun u wish you were here?

14 aug 1845