long post ahead!!!
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everyone's got their own personal vendatta. that demon they want to fight. the skeletons that they need to clean out. ti's just whether they want to admit it, whether they want to acknowledge its existence or not.
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1825 12 Aug
Day 1 in taipei. i'm greeted by sights vaguely familiar from memories of the recent december. the sky is a lovely palette of blue, lavender and mild orange from the setting sun. what i wouldn't give to be at danshui right now! i'll have to content with factories against the green backdrop of woodlands. the bus is ambering towards the main station right now and i've sent 3 smses already.

this is no ordinary overseas trip for me. for the first time, i'll be travelling alone. not on a fancy whim though part of me wishes it was so. i've left too many friendly faces behind. for a simple reason: to go to war with myself.

i wanted to fight this battle with myself. to wage war against the me who cannot protect me. i know. i relied on God for all things. i've prayed for this opportunity to trash things out for myself. to finally be able to work with God to protct me. then i can cross off the one line from my "bf-criteria":

- to protect me from me

that's why i have to do this alone. just me and God.

now that i'm in taiwan, i can tell you guys this. pray for me. not just to win this battle. but also that whatever the outcome on the 17th, i'll be satisfied. pray that i'll remain rooted in him. and my safety.

and oh josh, abt ibiza? perhaps it'll be nicer to go with a bunch.. heez

12 Aug 1847
*****
13 aug 2119

there's been an erosion of self confidence. no wait. erosion of self-pride. i'm no longer too proud to admit to the world that i need help.

it may seem ironic that i had to leave singapore to find that out. on contrary, by leaving singapore, i'm forced to seek help from people whom i dun know. people who might not help. it's taking that chance that ppl might not want to do anything abt my state..

a whole day of walking.. i'm tired.

13 aug 2130
*****
14 aug 1252

woke up at 1130. i love dark rooms. no sunlight to wake one up. actually, the sun doesn't have much effect on me unless it's too hot.. heez.

it's 33 out there. lower than the crazy 37 at abt this time oyday. me? in the comforts of a air-conditioned bus headed to yangmingshan (YMS). so it's a cheap tour of the cuty with 98 degrees sining "invisible man" to me on my mp3 player.

seized by a bout of loneliness yday. but unlike the usual berating of myself, i accepted it. perhaps my situation where smses and phone calls are much more expensive helped me. i've accepted that loneliness is a reminder that us humans need people. we crave the need to want and feel wanted. we crave relationships. we were afterall, created as relational beings.

i used to berate myself for feeling upset abt feeling lonely. 'm never really lonely 'cos of God, right? so i'd scold myself for getting upset. but i've learnt... thru loneliness, we are reminded of the horizontal aspect.. of the need to relate to other humans. there's no need to be ashamed of it. instead, see that emotion as God's reminder to us of that horizontal relational aspect.

14 aug 1308
*****
14 aug 1834
a seemingly magical end to the day

i took a mini hike around YMS park before heading to a hot spring bath. had the luxury of soaking alone at 100 NT. that was for the better part of the day.

later went to danshui. bought the local snacks for ppl at home before taking a bus to Fisherman's wharf. i was hoping that the sun would move slower and the bus faster.. by the time i got there, the sun will still up.. but hidden behind the cloud. so i was left with watching the setting of the outline of the sun to the strands of jay chou's "an jing" from a nearby cafe. now i'm on a ferry back to danshui station. the dusk is gorgeous but can't get a decent picture. heez.. dun u wish you were here?

14 aug 1845