middle of week 4..

and i'm dead tired already. by about 12 midnight, i'm lethargic, a far cry from the usual me who'd still have the stamina to continue my readings or msning until 2 in the morning. perhaps i'm really older. 22 already. but at times, i feel like i'm still 19, finally discovering the world for myself and learning a little more each day. i don't know..

still remember running around toys'r'us with henry that year.. i was christmas shopping. the dear boy (whom i'm missing sooo much) came along after we bought his goggles at queensway. it was the most fun outing to toys'r'us ever for me. for once, no one was pulling toys out of my hands and giving me a "why don't you act ur age/grow up?" look. instead, he played along with me. i laughed 'til i cried that day. that silly boy has that ability to do that to me..

in case you're wondering why i miss him now... he kinda disappeared after he got a gf. haiz. what to do right?

but oh well.. i would love to do that again.. with a friend who'd just allow me to lose myself to that little girl inside once again.. and make it such a comfortable and memorable experience for me as well. where i don't have to act my age.. but that isn't the point of the blog..

i just wanted to say that i've been tired. i honestly haven't been pleasant during the past week. just flustered with everything. last week, i cried while walking home. just the tiny matters snowballing and making it worse for me. and then me realizing that i haven't been very nice to the cfers who have been there for me all the time. and i cried so hard, ignoring the cars that went by me.

at that point, i wanted to be hugged.. i wanted to be cuddled.. i wanted someone to hold my hand and tell me that he'd be there for me. from there, i thought abt the nameless/faceless guy that i had dreamt about before. not daydreams. but real dreams that come to one upon slumber. in those dreams, the guy would hold my hand.. he'd hugged me.. he'd make me secure even if i was crying. and i would wake with the sensation of dried tears on my face. just thinking abt all that, i cried even harder that night as i walked in.

no. i don't want a bf. but perhaps, i need one. *shrugs*

if anything, what James said today just made me smile a little today.. removed the tiredness when i was really reminded of the love from God. one question just kept resounding in my head..

"Why did You choose me? Why choose to love me when i couldn't even love myself?"

then it hits home.. i never realized how much more i needed Him in my life. for that stability.. for that peace to know that one day, all this tiredness will be gone. all my tears will be wiped dry. all because He chose to love me even before the foundations of the world.

still tired.. but it makes things a little easier i guess... to really want to live my life because of His love for me. plus, i managed to get eileen to take my shift tmr.. so i'm free to do my readings and spend more time with the cfers in the lib. and it's times like these where i look at the quotes in the sidebar.. and get a little more encouraged.. the three quotes mean a little smth to me.

"In Christ alone" is smth i sing to myself when i'm tired and just need a break.. reminder that it's gonna take more than the world to break me. as for the little poem from Band of Brothers, i just thought it was a good reminder to live a Christ-like life.

the last quote, "Lean on me" was introduced to me by Ben. my dog had just passed away then and i was going thru a really hard time in sch 'cos it was the period of presentations and quizzes. then Ben smsed me those very words when he learnt that i was struggling along. it's been great comfort, my dear brother, even up to today.

but yea... like i said, i'm too easily exhausted now.. 12.36 am and i'm lying on my pillows as i type this entry. the screen is a blur (also because i'm short sighted and the screen is against my lap. (erm.. yar lah. funny position to imagine.. but very comfy). think i'll give the gym a miss for thurs and fri. really need to just rest now. get the energy back.