another magical weekend..

and i remember the races, the tears, the muscle cramps, the disappointments, the laughters...

i remember the jokes, the food, the studying, the "umizaru gang" when we were rowing to the starting line at June Fest..

and i'm grateful. grateful that i am a part of this team. that i have that chance to be part of that memory.

my dearest dragonz, look up. learn from the MR500. dragonboating is never about yourself. when you row hard, you're rowing for the one next to you, the one in front of you and the one behind you. you're rowing for the team. that's what dragonboating is about. not yourself. but the people around you. keep going at it. i'm sure that the memories you leave with will be worth so much more than any metal that you may receive along the way.

last glimpse at the last buoy in rapid charge on 18th Mar, 2007, Sunday morning.

***

anyone has david usher's cd "strange bird"? just watch his latest video, "the music" and i must say, he still impresses me. love his "slightly nasal" wonky voice that makes me literally lost in the music. one of those songs that you put on your headphones, close your eyes and dance in the comfort of your bedroom.

David Usher - The Music

Baby, Baby don't be late,

The world is ending, I can't change the way I feel about you now

New York is cold as ever.

Still I go out every night,

Hide myself among the lights,

Pray that all the pretty things, silly brains

Blood is glistening and they shine

Like the stars we're born to die

Like these roses we all fade

I'm counting the cars on the freeway below,

Lost in the music, all the foolishness of our lives

Spinning out of control, lost in the music, in the music...

Baby, Baby please don't cry,

Wipe the guilt out from your eyes,

lay your conscience on the bed, there's no one innocent here

In the mirror you'll find faith,

Plastic flowers never fade

We all turn to gray

I'm counting the cars on the freeway below,
Lost in the music, all the foolishness of our lives
Spinning out of control, lost in the music, in the music...

I lost my way, I lost it all,

I lost my way...

Baby Baby, please don't cry,

Wipe the guilt out from your eyes, pick yourself up off the bed,

There's no one innocent here

Bodies glisten and they shine

Like the stars we're born to die

Like these roses we all fade

I'm counting the cars on the freeway below,

Counting the lights and the end of it all,

Counting the cars on the freeway below

Lost in the music

In the music

Pick-up line of the day as contributed by my little bro.

"See my friend over there? He wants to know if you think i'm cute."

that's my little bro for you. how fantastic is that?

last night's CF talk was on Gen 2:4-25. Creation of Man and Woman. Then James mentioned smth that made me scribble something in my own notes:

Fairytales have no place in God's view of marriage..

True? Think about it, what's your idea of a perfect man or perfect woman to fit into your fairytale? for e.g, does your dream guy need to be tall, tanned, well built, good command of english, be able to sing well, play a musical instrument, ride and have a bike, drive and have a car, earring/tattoo, be really pretty with intense eyes that seem to look right into your soul?

i believe that God's world still has a place for fairytales.

i'm not idealising marriage, don't get me wrong. but i believe that in God's kingdom, if come the day that i get attached, it'll be the fairytale that i hope to have. sounds like i've set myself up for disappointment, huh? i beg to differ.

in my little fairytale world, i crave perfection in imperfection. i long to see the sinfulness of my partner and watch him return to the Lord in deep repentance, out of fear, reverence and love. i want him to struggle to be a Christian. and whether he succeeds or not, i want him to recognize that God is never-changing in His judgement and love. i need him to love God before anyone else.

i want him to guide me when i'm wrong. i want him to look after me all the time, as he would with his own body. i want him to lead me to grow deeper and deeper in love and understanding of God. (Eph 5) and i want him to realize that i'm as sinful as he is but i'm willing to be there for him to help him in his walk with Christ. i'm not there to teach. i'm not there to exercise authority over him. i'm there as a helper in submission. but i can only do that if he can lead me.

and as far as my little fairytale goes, as long as i can never find that guy who's able (read: sharper than me) to push me to grow more and more for the rest of my life, my fairytale still plays out in my continual ministry for God. singlehood will always have a place in my fairytale. isn't better, to live a life in full devotion to that real groom of that real marriage in the heavenly realms? (1 Cor 7)

think about it. who are we to decide that we are alone or lonely? Adam didn't go to God and say, "hey God, i'm getting lonely here. how 'bt a helper for me?" God decided for Adam. I'm honestly leaving my life in His hands. I'll go wherever His will takes me. perhaps, to finish up what i actually wrote in my notes:

Fairytales have no place in God's view of marriage. Really? It depends on what your fairytale is.

timing is perfect! just found out that my grp is presenting in week 11 of the mod term. meaning, my presentation is on the... 8th of May!!

and i'm either flying off that evening or 9th May. omg. timing is how amazing can! now i can go to vietnam without worrying abt my project or my grp mates.

now, my only worry abt traveling is whether i'll get to go to Brunei. but.. but.. but.. i can hear the carousel calling out to me..

Brunei on 11th June to 19 June, anyone? pulez.. pulez.. my mommy's not gonna let me go alone.. pulez?

been thru quite a couple of downs since the year began. from my stupid wrist injury to falling ill constantly. that put me out of action for 1 whole month. i've lost my tan and been having probs with sleeping. headaches have become more frequent.

it's just strange to have something so part of your routine that you actually enjoy so you can't help feeling lost when you stop doing it. i crave exercise. just the sweat, aching muscles, internal burn of the latic acid, and adrenaline still gushing thru me. so when i was out for that month, i just spiralled downwards. not fun, i swear.

i'm at a time where i'm easily fatigued and a little lower on blood than usual. even squatting down on the floor for more than 5 minutes sends a giddy rush to my head when i stand. so after the beep test last night, after failing at the 7'5 mark, i stopped to catch my breath. and saw black.

it was for a spilt second. nothing uncommon for me really. but it took nearly 8 minutes before i wasn't as giddy anymore. it was most uncomfortable to feel cold air rushing into my body that was burning and i was honestly reluctant to breathe. that's it. i'm buying iron tablets even though mom says that they'll cause constipation. i eat my fruits and vegs so it shldn't be a prob. i don't intend on fainting while working out. one thing i've learnt in my life... things that i really enjoy don't come easy.

the craving to dragonboat: my parents are against it. my father even attributed my hairline crack to my training. i was so frus with him that i glared at him when i told him that my fall had nothing to do with training. i'm just tired of how they think of ways to get me to quit.

the desire to further my studies in law: i did ask them abt continuing in SMU. just 1.5 more years. i know i can clear my law courses. they'd rather i start working. i take all these law courses when my timetable allows. even then, i get complaints about taking useless courses. is it so hard to see that sometimes decisions don't have to be "for a better future"? what about a "happier today"? do they even realize that their decisions are affecting me adversely? i want not the materialistic gains but the simple geeky joy i get from reading a 200 page article written by my dear prof.

i'm such a nerd that i think our law journals in the lib are such an asset. thank you, thank you very much.

the passion to serve God: how i long to have people around me who can help me grow by constantly challenging my thinking because they are sharper than me. is it then selfish to crave the company of people sharper than me? i love to help people out, i really do. but there are just times where i wish i was on the receiving end of knowledge like i was in year 1 and 2.

it's not my christian brothers and sisters who are stopping me from serving God. they give me ample chance to. when i hang out with them, be it during buffets or bible studies or talks that go on late into the night. when i see the fire in them to want to learn and ability to step out of their comfort zones to hear things that aren't terribly pleasing to the ears of fallen man, it delights me to help them because i want to give as much as i've received in my early years. i give thanks for all of them.

but it's my parents. i just wish that i could come clean with my dad and start going to church. to be surrounded by evangelical christians who want nothing more than to read God's word to see what He's saying to us. i'm no holy moley person. but i see how fallen and depraved i can be. that's why God's such a big part of me. He gives me worth to live for tomorrow, knowing that it's another day of His goodness in my life.

i don't hate my parents. i love them. funnily enough, i thank them for the persecution at home because it makes the fight to grow in God's word even more eventful because i actually understand suffering. it's not the physical suffering and persecution that a lot of ppl get. it's the emotional and mental persecution that has made me stronger and all the more keener to learn what He has given me and promised me.

i honestly started this blog with the intention of letting out steam. guess what? i'm ending it off, realizing how blessed i am with God at the helm. that He puts everything into perspective for me. that He finds little ways of making everything tiring seem joyous. the family in SMU Dragonz and SMUCF, the friendly law profs, the fight to continue doing what i enjoy with God in the center of it all. now if that isn't enough encouragement, i don't know what is.
*********************************
side note: i've shared some thoughts on r/s with 2 ppl. the idea that i need someone who's sharper than me theologically. if not, he's not gonna be able to lead me in the growing of the Word. their response?

one said that it might be a little too selfish to think of my growth.

the other says that he/she wldn't call it as "selfish-ness" but would say that i'm too optimisstic, i.e. it'll be hard for me to find such a person given my current state of church involvement.

single then single lorh. haiz. dun need to think so much, i guess. ahahahahahahahaha

I never knew Jesus was all I needed until Jesus was all I had.

Do i know it? i like to think that i do. God's been fantastic to me. He's truly blessed me by bringing me thru my trials and letting me come out, scratched, bruised and battered, but keener to live a life truly pleasing in His eyes. ppl have wondered how i cope with my accting subs, law subs, cf committment and dragonboat.

truth is: i don't.

i've lost count of the anxiety attacks since sec 1.. the nights i've cried myself to sleep until i'm too tired or dehydrated to cry more.. the times i've been disappointed by people and things that i thought wldn't.. the moments of giddy sensations from obvious lack of proper rest..

but He never left me. He watches my tears.. He watches me struggle.. yet when i nearly failed my subs (the profs prob didn't want to see me in class anymore so they passed me..), He provided me with a job when i was dreading mommy's reaction to my decision to stay and help in CF and not care abt a job search. such timely providence for someone as lowly as i. but it's nothing compared to Him extending that nailed hand, saying, "I choose you to be Mine."

He's the only reason that i hang on; my one and only priority. He's the only one i worship and chase after. when you stop chasing money, jobs, that cum laude or dean's list position, you get the picture. no longer will you fret abt stuff that will fade. you start living the way we were meant to. in tandem with God at the helm. how many of us have stopped just look at the world and go, "God, thank you for reminding me that You're the creator"?

you don't have to tell me that it's not easy and that we have a responsibility as students. i know it! but your responsibility comes as a response to Christ. and Christ doesn't view grades as impt. He sees whether you're worshipping Him. it doesn't make sense to skip bible study and say to God, "i'll do double QT tonight." God doesn't care how long your QT is. He doesn't care whether you skip bible study or not.

He cares that you push him away and justify it by saying, "but God, you told me to work hard at my job as a student!"

try repeating, "God, i'm doing this for you" while you whiled away that time, once meant for growing in the Word and building your brothers and sisters up in Christ, but now on your homework that's due tmr and you're rushing because you waited until the very last min.. or even that quiz that's the next morning.

conversely, try slacking and repeating the same time. why you slacking? because you don't want to get caught up in your work and lose focus on God. so you watch TV, listen to music, read your christian books until 3 am then wake up at 5 am to rush your part of your project which is due at 10 am that day, saying to God, "i clearly don't view work as more impt than You!". try it. really

i tell you, the guilt will hit you sooooooo badly. the shame of knowing that you're being absolutely selfish, not because you are disregarding others. but because you're disregarding God. you're taking God's word and twisting it to what you want to hear and react to. that's not what God is asking for!

He's asking for you to be diligent in Him, to fulfill basic responsbilities of making sure that your part is done properly to not be a burden to your grp mates... or to spend a little more time with your brothers and sisters instead of trying to pretty up your damn excel spreadsheet so that the prof will give you a few more marks.

this whole issue is very personal to me. i try my darnest to be as God-like as i can and i look to my fellow Christian bros and sisters (who are said to be like-minded) for encouragement. but i get dejected and jaded when they do exactly what i'm trying to avoid. and instead of turning to them for the reminder of God, i look at His creation. not that it's wrong. it's just.. sad that i see Him working in so many other things but not in those who shld show it.

what is it that keeps us going? are we going to realize a little too late that God is really all that we have and all that we need? even now, in times of prosperity with Singapore's booming economy, how many of us will learn that ambitions and career/grade aspirations don't mean crap at all? How many of us are willing to say...

"God, i can earnestly tell you that i've done all i can to please You and only You. You are all i have and all i need. and i leave my life in Your hands to do Your will, not mine. Lead me, God."

Goals for exam period:
People, we are gonna take time out, read the bible and pray for one another, you hear me!!! no excuses of "right after this chapter.." or "one more hour please?"... how many of you read your bible in week 14 and 15 without rushing thru QT? how many of you even read your bible? i know i didn't and i was absolutely down and out. so i dun care. BIBLE READING AND PRAYER MEETINGS HOR!!

chanced upon an interesting blog while trying to find a source of a quote today.

kyle's a rather good writer. has interesting photographs of his current trip.. and he obviously knows who God is to him.
***
(extracted from Monday, April 10, 2006)
"Worship is the overall, safest place for any person to stand".

I have been in such a hurry the past few weeks, I haven't been in conversation with God for what feels like months - and at a time in my life when I need to be in conversation more than ever. I am just out of sorts. I was telling a friend at work today about how excited I am to get into Africa and out of this rat race. I think that there will be something really liberating about quitting my job and working for free for the next few years...
***

you can check out kyle's blog here: http://premium.xanga.com/kfeenstra. he's the one whom i managed to find the anon source of the quote. ok, i still don't know of the man's name but i know the story.

Burundi was the place in Africa that James mentioned. in 1993, a man's family was murdered and his home burnt to the ground during the war. he walked 40 km from the remains of his house to get to the refugee camp. all that and the man's in his 80s. and it was from him that James took the quote for today's lunch time talk, that very nice left hook jab on my flabby arm from God to me:

I never knew Jesus was all I needed until Jesus was all I had.

i'm currently writing a whole long post but i decided to break it.. like maybe post it during week 12 and slap everyone around a bit, including myself. ahahahaha. nah lah.. i'll post it soon enough because it's very dear to me.

btw, japan is no more. perhaps cambodia. and oh, melbourne's no more too. one trip shld be enough esp since i'm likely to go tioman or bintan come june.. again. hee hee. dad's paying, no sweat. what to do with the money?

Why, God's ministry, of course!! =)
***
you always sing so earnestly that you're "coming back to the heart of worship", and that "it's all about you, Jesus"....

but are you living that out? Is He really the heart of your worship? the essences of your worship 24/7/365? Are you thinking of Him now? Were you even thinking of Him when you decided to come to my blog and read my incessant ramblings? or are you worrying about where your next A is gonna come from?

gud a stuck nose. and id nod farnee ad all. dun lide..

so yes, i basically sound like that now. terrible night. cldn't sleep 'cos of the damn nose. it's making me feel absolutely dreadful. everytime i swallowed my saliva to moist the throat dry from mouth-breathing, my ears threatened to cave in. so every few minutes, i wld sit up to clear my airways before plonking back onto the bed, resigning to my miserable fate.

in the end, i had to put double pillows to prop my head up. it was 12+ and i had morning gym duty! no choice, i cldn't afford to toss and turn. it wasn't a substantial sleep. i ended up waking a couple of times during the night to change positions in hope of breathing properly.

initially, i had gone to Dr Yang (the sch doctor is Dr Paul Yang... been there so often that i remember..) yday but turns out that he's on leave and the "relief" doctor was only until 4pm instead of 5 pm. so at 9 am this morning, i half-ran and half-walked over. the short run cleared my nose, causing a rush of giddiness from the abundance of air in my system. yay.

the doctor's not in. yet.

the nurse offered to call me when he was in. thanking her, i half-run/half-walk back to the gym. in a few minutes, she called me. and boy, was i shocked. the "relief" doctor bore an uncanny resemblance to someone familiar. so i was rather distracted during the check-up. dun think it really showed. as i waited for my medication, i did a run of names and faces to match against his. and i got it...

the woodcutter from Hoodwinked (the one in the red circle)

i'm not kidding!!! he was really top-heavy in a muscular-veering-towards-gaydom way. and big girly eyes. not easy! ok, he wasn't thaaat bottom-heavy like the woodcutter. i nearly burst out laughing when i realized it. i really think he looks like another cartoon character.. but can't put my finger on who it is.

will let you guys know once i get the name and face.. need to eat my meds and read my strategy text now..

soccer's a... funny game.. seriously... let's see, shall we?

about the 75th min into Arsenal v Man Utd.. critical point near Utd's penalty box..

Theiry Henry's thought process as he nears the ball rolling towards the sidelines: goal kick to them... corner to me... goal kick to them... corner to me... goal kick to them... corner to me... goal kick to them... corner to me...

heck. goal kick to them.

my younger bro who watches on, a little stunned: french footballers. i'll never understand what they're thinking.

(at least it's better than jx comments abt sending droga back to africa in a cage while we were watching liverpool v chelsea. lub lub liverpool.)

rosicky whenever he gets the ball near mu's goal: one more to add to my off-target shots for the night. woohoo!

ok... i give henry and layman credit. they are good. i would have been happy with a draw, honestly. oh well, guess i'm just grateful for yday's match now.. good 'ol liverpool, and the two dear chelsea defenders, essien and ferrario!

seized by wanderlust once more. just looking at the pictures of the places that i've been to..
this was taken at ginza in tokyo. of all instruments, i think the violin is the most romantic of all.
komeda, their domestic airport. it was sample-haven. i had my lunch there rather unintentionally. but the counter staff were just so friendly. they gave me bigger portions of the samples. and lot of different samples. i ended up buying chocolate cheese cake squares even though i was soo full. but i just cldn't disappoint them.

being an amateur at photography, my photos are mainly simple stuff that, while, don't look too glam or professional, they bring back memories. like how the place smelt like.. how it sounded like.. how it felt like.. including whatever that was not captured by the camera.
Liuhe at Kaoshiong. i absolutely love the concept of night markets. there was so much to see. so much to eat! the lights. sure, the stores had the same things over and over again. but if you look hard enough, they will surprise you. at the end of Liuhe, we found a turkish trinklet store. owned by turks. the guy and his daughter were just so friendly.
Nai Cha Jie in Taizhong. the bubble tea was really good!! the milk was sweet but not cloying. plus hot bubble tea is always fantastic in the winter. the pearls weren't as big as those in Singapore but they weren't as small as those in Chun Tang in Taipei. supposedly to be the best in Taizhong. i know i enjoyed it even though my heart still lies with Chun Tang. and the rest of the street had small factory outlets. Gap.. A&F.. Hollister.. American Eagle.. Ralph.. nothing to buy though. it was all stocked for the winter and was still pricy.

my second time to taipei. this time alone. it was such a magical feeling, meeting strangers and unfamiliar faces.. finding my way in unknown streets. the euphoric rush of familiarity when i revisit places i went to on my first visit. i definitely wanna travel alone again. i honestly feel sympathetic to those who are afraid of being alone. it's fantastically liberating.

and there's always the romantic notion of falling in love with a stranger. =)

Melbourne. the one city i've fallen head over heels with in Australia. it reminds me sooo much of SF. the laidback charm and cool wind.. the friendly faces and cafes with comfort lattes and fries.. i wanna return. perhaps mummy will let me go alone. esp since aunty boon hong is there already.

it does seems such a pity that when i share the photos, i don't share the memories as well. but then again, that's what makes every little thing unique. just to me. =)

bad day for me so far. rather.. bad times..

dropped my darling nikon S2 yday. my heart dropped with it as well. the lens doesn't capture anything 'cept a black screen now.

this morning, went to Dr Tay at SGH. He's a senior consultant so he's pretty credible right? before i went into his room, i noticed the sign outside that requested for mobiles to be switched off. yet, i had to wait a couple of minutes while my dear doctor tinkled on his 2 blackberries before giving me his attention.

and he started examining my wrist. after pressing it to a painful ache, he declared that there might be fracture. at the rate he was pressing, i would like to think so. i'm not a screamer. my physiotherapist at SMC, Karen, always complained that she never knew if she was pressing hard enough 'cos i never made a noise. i winced at the table when Dr Tay was poking my wrist bone.

i went for the x-ray and had 4 angles of my wrist taken. so i was exposed to the radiation 4 times in less than 10 mins. while the doctor, his two interns and the nurse hid in a tiny booth. feeling very loved, i returned to Dr Tay.

Dr Tay scanned the images with me. the first two looked pretty normal cept that the protruding wrist bone looked a little funny. with the next two images, he showed me a minicus crack. minicus or not, it's still a crack. his words were a little hallow in my head.

"You see that? A very fine line. There's a crack."

he asked if i needed an medical excuse. from what??? PE??? i asked if i cld still exercise.

"No. We'll re-examine it again in one month's time. Meanwhile, no exercise."

yay.

feeling down, i called to see if ex-co meeting was over. it was but they were having a quick lunch. i then decided that i needed some time alone. with good food. took the train down to bugis and bought sashimi and sushi for lunch. not too bad. $9.50 in total. sashimi was $6.

when i got home, i thought that i needed to make the sushi cold first. more yummilicious. then i dropped my sushi box. all $3.50 of it. i was left with just sashimi for lunch. yay.

just to prepare myself, i have decided that my warranty of my camera is over even before i call them to verify it. there's only so much disappointment and dejection that a girl can take before she goes all jaded and subdued by life.

finally listened to Ll Divo's version of "unbreak my heart". the wonders of youtube.com. i have to say that i didn't like it. i didn't even like toni braxton's original. i normally like toni's songs. heck, i even have that particular CD but my fave track is "How Could An Angel Break My Heart".

the only reason why i went listened to it was 'cos of the BP performance the other night. they performed their own version and Danny apologized to his wife. for dedicating it to her the previous night when she was in the recital studio.. and for singing it again on the night where we went. how bad was it?

Verse 1:
whenever i see your face, i want to vomit
doesn't matter what you did
doesn't matter what you say
i can't stand your voice, the way you walk
how you always scratch you-know-where
and if it is not enough, there's your nose hair

chart-topper stuff, courtesy of BP humor. you've gotta love them for entertainment value. i'm sooo dragging josh, thiang and bryan the next time BP has a concert. because i didn't talk much abt the concert before, here goes. they changed their version of "Tribute to Titanic". in the CD, it was a farm version. with the sound of cowbells and the southern twang..

at the concert, they did a star wars version. michael and gordon were just making me laugh as usual. and i'm reminded of the time i was laughing while michael attempted to be intimidating and was browbeating me. and ben agrees that danny looks like adam chen. minus the body and tan. (guessing abt the body. definite on the tan)

BP is my perpetual happy nut band. sure, clay aiken makes me smile. but i've never seen him 'live'. not that i wld pay to watch him 'live'. you know how damn expensive concert tickets are blue moo is the best thing to happen to entertainment at YMCA. when we go, we pay $8 and get 2 cowpons. each cowpon can be changed for either one drink or one pack of chips. and BP performs there most of the time.

the concert was better than the last one i paid for. the "We Give A Dam" concert. there weren't new songs! when i did the interview with BP (of which was never approved after that. too much of a verbatin interview..), they gave me free cowpons. i stayed for the first half and was treated to some new songs already.

the concert was filled with songs that i had yet to hear them perform. "unbreak my heart", "one way ticket", "Ai Piah Jia Eh Yia", the new version of "Tribute to Titanic" and a few others which they have performed before but not on the CD yet. hopefully "Love the Earth" will be on the CD in mid 2007. hopefully there will even be a CD in mid 2007.

Meanwhile, can someone lend me their copy of BP's "Nearly" Live At Blue Moo???

Chorus:
unbreak my heart
please don't come back again
undo this hurt that you caused when you walked thru the door
and walked into my life
uncry these tears
i cried so many nights
unbreak my heart

here's the clip on youtube for BP's version of "unbreak my heart", in response to Ll Divo's
Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fc9xZIJEvpc
Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5byMDWabSi0