a couple friends left me disappointed. i always thought of them to be stewards of God but they seem to have let human relationships cloud their perception. i admit, i have been unloving in how i've treated ppl. but i change for God. i'll continue correcting them and rebuking them in love. isn't all Scriptures is good for "teaching, correcting and rebuking"? how can you let friendship stand in the way and say, "because he/she's my friend, i cannot be critical of the person because i'm not perfect myself?"

no! you need to help your friends grow! you need to help them to be more like Him.. and if you realize that you're not perfect, are you changing? are you asking your friends to teach, correct and rebuke you? are you ready to face up to the fact that you're gonna hear things that you don't like but in all objective discernment, realize that there is a reason why ppl are saying stuff about you or others around you? is God in the center of your life?

or is man and his man-made imperfect relationship and flaw yardstick governing your life?

but i just wanted to remind my dear CFers who are reading this right now. i've told some of you before and i'm telling you all this again. people are not perfect. God is. at the end of the day, all your decisions to live your life a certain way shld have Him as a motivation. you only serve people because you want to serve Him. and you serve Him by serving ppl.

when it comes to pleasing God or pleasing people, God comes first. He's our only priority so don't tailor your decisions to please people. please God. be it your job search, GPA, ministry, exchange, summer study... is God in the center? even worse when you say, "hey, let's focus on smth else for now." you fail to serve both God and ppl. you serve yourself. how selfish of you as a Christian. how are you gonna answer ppl who ask, "are you sure you can handle both your ministry and your work? isn't it very heavy,"

i've answered that question already. i once looked at a friend straight in the face and told him, "i'll try to cope. if i can't cope, too bad. i'll quit my job."

i knew that it made him uncomfortable. but i've never been more convinced that this is what i'm going to do. i'm not asking anyone to do the same thing. but i know me. this is how i find peace with God, to go to Him and say, "I am serving You, and not myself. i'm pleasing You and no one else. I'm Yours."

that's why i made all those decisions since i entered SMU.. wrt exchange, summer study, my stay on in the exco despite objections by my mom, choosing cf over dragonboat.. i don't need to please anyone else but God. a crude expression (for the lack of a better one) would be that people are coincidental. that i end up making them happy along the way of my rightful response to Him.

example? prayer in the park. we did it during StuVac. i just wanted to remind myself that God's the reason for everything. it was best if we did it as a group. my dearest da ge thankfully reminded me before the week was done. so we headed to campus green to pray. it was great. i think we were all encourage by those who showed up. and everyone seemed a little lighter and calmer after the thing.


i just pray for the ministry... that it will continue to strive to please Him in all the decisions that not just the new exco, but all the members make will have Him as the only motivation.

on a lighter note, i was pleasantly surprised the other day. my non-christian friend once asked me what denomination i was. i looked at her with a smile and replied, "i'm an evangelical Christian."

she didn't understand as she had never heard of such a Christian. i explained that i belonged not to a building but to God. that my beliefs and life was governed by the word that He had given me: the Bible. she rolled her eyes and laughed. she was just amused at how simple Christianity was in actual fact.

on that day which i was pleasantly surprised, two friends were talking abt church as one friend was currently "visiting" a church that followed a denomination different from his/her original church. the other friend looked at the first friend.

"are you a (insert denomination) or not?"

"no."

"then what are you?"

"I'm an evangelical."

let's just say i was grinning at the last statement. it's nice to know that i'm not the only one who dares to voice this thought out.

i just chanced upon treasures!

my mommy was sorting out some gold jewelry. since i'm at a neverending stage where i like shiny stuff (a bit like a black bird..), i abandoned Hitt, Hoskisson and Ireland to check out the shiny objects. then i realized that some belonged to me.

not that my mommy hid them away from me. she was just keeping stuff that i used to have as a child. i was squealing the entire time as i fingered the tiny bracelets, necklaces and pendants. i have two gold charm bracelets! how cool is that?!?

i decided that i was going to take some out of the safe to wear. yes, the jewelry is kept in a safe deposit box. anywayz, i settled for a charm bracelet and a tiny ring. gonna wear the ring as a pendant. omigosh!! it's how tiny! they were apparantly all gifts from my granny and aunties, bulk of them were bought out of my mommy's year end bonuses.

by the time my mom kept the rest of the stuff, i was back at my book and notes, still fingering the tiny ring. she sat down opposite me and i cldn't help squealing.

"so cute! i used to be sooo tiny!"

"not that you're very big now.."

right. thanks mom...

Graduation Part (1)

i don't know how many parts i'll be having.. but it depends on the ppl i end up taking pictures with as well. anyhoo, not all the pictures taken will be here. shld be studying too but anywayz... for more the pictures, do go to my facebook account instead. under my albums, you'll get to check them all out.

for those without facebook... WHY DON'T YOU HAVE ONE YET? go to http://www.facebook.com/, get an account, and search for my hanyupingying name. :)

photos at: http://smusg.facebook.com/album.php?aid=11073&l=67b5c&id=866370645

anywayz, was thinking back to the mini obs outing we had at substation. just beer and pizza. i was sooo sleepy after that. but for whatever that i was awake for, it was fun. obs was also the official start of weird nicknames.

i've had pet names that are mere variations of my name made cute. all the various permutations and combinations with "act cute" sounds by my dear friends.. then the tongxi-ans came along and the funny names started.. like furby, hamster-in-the-cupboard.. damn strange la.. but at least it's dear cheong giving me the nicknames. think if any of the guys tried it, i wld have smashed their heads in..

i'm gonna miss this all..

IT and Law grp (zx, gwen, cx, siew may, me and Prof Chik)

pam, me, mabel

me, poh

me, sam

me, da jie, kelly, xiuling, bao bao

quotes of the day, courtesy of dear JJ..
**
on balance sheets: "if it doesn't balance, you're not gonna get into accounting heaven."

random 1: "don't play on the PIE, you'd get knocked down."

random 2: "yesterday, today, tomorrow - if you can think of a 4th one, don't shout it out. whisper it to me. we can make a lot of money."

on CM rule: "the capital maintenance rule applies to capital, not horses."
**

yes, the dear prof that played dodgeball with me during class. use to catch no ball at the beginning, i was just getting whacked. info overload, i swear. *waves white flag* but now, it's a lot better.

right now, i don't want to be in youan's shoes. poor dude. his entire face is red. JJ's unorthodox methods seriously impress me. i actually understand what he's saying, most of the time. cool dude. really.

another magical weekend..

and i remember the races, the tears, the muscle cramps, the disappointments, the laughters...

i remember the jokes, the food, the studying, the "umizaru gang" when we were rowing to the starting line at June Fest..

and i'm grateful. grateful that i am a part of this team. that i have that chance to be part of that memory.

my dearest dragonz, look up. learn from the MR500. dragonboating is never about yourself. when you row hard, you're rowing for the one next to you, the one in front of you and the one behind you. you're rowing for the team. that's what dragonboating is about. not yourself. but the people around you. keep going at it. i'm sure that the memories you leave with will be worth so much more than any metal that you may receive along the way.

last glimpse at the last buoy in rapid charge on 18th Mar, 2007, Sunday morning.

***

anyone has david usher's cd "strange bird"? just watch his latest video, "the music" and i must say, he still impresses me. love his "slightly nasal" wonky voice that makes me literally lost in the music. one of those songs that you put on your headphones, close your eyes and dance in the comfort of your bedroom.

David Usher - The Music

Baby, Baby don't be late,

The world is ending, I can't change the way I feel about you now

New York is cold as ever.

Still I go out every night,

Hide myself among the lights,

Pray that all the pretty things, silly brains

Blood is glistening and they shine

Like the stars we're born to die

Like these roses we all fade

I'm counting the cars on the freeway below,

Lost in the music, all the foolishness of our lives

Spinning out of control, lost in the music, in the music...

Baby, Baby please don't cry,

Wipe the guilt out from your eyes,

lay your conscience on the bed, there's no one innocent here

In the mirror you'll find faith,

Plastic flowers never fade

We all turn to gray

I'm counting the cars on the freeway below,
Lost in the music, all the foolishness of our lives
Spinning out of control, lost in the music, in the music...

I lost my way, I lost it all,

I lost my way...

Baby Baby, please don't cry,

Wipe the guilt out from your eyes, pick yourself up off the bed,

There's no one innocent here

Bodies glisten and they shine

Like the stars we're born to die

Like these roses we all fade

I'm counting the cars on the freeway below,

Counting the lights and the end of it all,

Counting the cars on the freeway below

Lost in the music

In the music

Pick-up line of the day as contributed by my little bro.

"See my friend over there? He wants to know if you think i'm cute."

that's my little bro for you. how fantastic is that?

last night's CF talk was on Gen 2:4-25. Creation of Man and Woman. Then James mentioned smth that made me scribble something in my own notes:

Fairytales have no place in God's view of marriage..

True? Think about it, what's your idea of a perfect man or perfect woman to fit into your fairytale? for e.g, does your dream guy need to be tall, tanned, well built, good command of english, be able to sing well, play a musical instrument, ride and have a bike, drive and have a car, earring/tattoo, be really pretty with intense eyes that seem to look right into your soul?

i believe that God's world still has a place for fairytales.

i'm not idealising marriage, don't get me wrong. but i believe that in God's kingdom, if come the day that i get attached, it'll be the fairytale that i hope to have. sounds like i've set myself up for disappointment, huh? i beg to differ.

in my little fairytale world, i crave perfection in imperfection. i long to see the sinfulness of my partner and watch him return to the Lord in deep repentance, out of fear, reverence and love. i want him to struggle to be a Christian. and whether he succeeds or not, i want him to recognize that God is never-changing in His judgement and love. i need him to love God before anyone else.

i want him to guide me when i'm wrong. i want him to look after me all the time, as he would with his own body. i want him to lead me to grow deeper and deeper in love and understanding of God. (Eph 5) and i want him to realize that i'm as sinful as he is but i'm willing to be there for him to help him in his walk with Christ. i'm not there to teach. i'm not there to exercise authority over him. i'm there as a helper in submission. but i can only do that if he can lead me.

and as far as my little fairytale goes, as long as i can never find that guy who's able (read: sharper than me) to push me to grow more and more for the rest of my life, my fairytale still plays out in my continual ministry for God. singlehood will always have a place in my fairytale. isn't better, to live a life in full devotion to that real groom of that real marriage in the heavenly realms? (1 Cor 7)

think about it. who are we to decide that we are alone or lonely? Adam didn't go to God and say, "hey God, i'm getting lonely here. how 'bt a helper for me?" God decided for Adam. I'm honestly leaving my life in His hands. I'll go wherever His will takes me. perhaps, to finish up what i actually wrote in my notes:

Fairytales have no place in God's view of marriage. Really? It depends on what your fairytale is.

timing is perfect! just found out that my grp is presenting in week 11 of the mod term. meaning, my presentation is on the... 8th of May!!

and i'm either flying off that evening or 9th May. omg. timing is how amazing can! now i can go to vietnam without worrying abt my project or my grp mates.

now, my only worry abt traveling is whether i'll get to go to Brunei. but.. but.. but.. i can hear the carousel calling out to me..

Brunei on 11th June to 19 June, anyone? pulez.. pulez.. my mommy's not gonna let me go alone.. pulez?

been thru quite a couple of downs since the year began. from my stupid wrist injury to falling ill constantly. that put me out of action for 1 whole month. i've lost my tan and been having probs with sleeping. headaches have become more frequent.

it's just strange to have something so part of your routine that you actually enjoy so you can't help feeling lost when you stop doing it. i crave exercise. just the sweat, aching muscles, internal burn of the latic acid, and adrenaline still gushing thru me. so when i was out for that month, i just spiralled downwards. not fun, i swear.

i'm at a time where i'm easily fatigued and a little lower on blood than usual. even squatting down on the floor for more than 5 minutes sends a giddy rush to my head when i stand. so after the beep test last night, after failing at the 7'5 mark, i stopped to catch my breath. and saw black.

it was for a spilt second. nothing uncommon for me really. but it took nearly 8 minutes before i wasn't as giddy anymore. it was most uncomfortable to feel cold air rushing into my body that was burning and i was honestly reluctant to breathe. that's it. i'm buying iron tablets even though mom says that they'll cause constipation. i eat my fruits and vegs so it shldn't be a prob. i don't intend on fainting while working out. one thing i've learnt in my life... things that i really enjoy don't come easy.

the craving to dragonboat: my parents are against it. my father even attributed my hairline crack to my training. i was so frus with him that i glared at him when i told him that my fall had nothing to do with training. i'm just tired of how they think of ways to get me to quit.

the desire to further my studies in law: i did ask them abt continuing in SMU. just 1.5 more years. i know i can clear my law courses. they'd rather i start working. i take all these law courses when my timetable allows. even then, i get complaints about taking useless courses. is it so hard to see that sometimes decisions don't have to be "for a better future"? what about a "happier today"? do they even realize that their decisions are affecting me adversely? i want not the materialistic gains but the simple geeky joy i get from reading a 200 page article written by my dear prof.

i'm such a nerd that i think our law journals in the lib are such an asset. thank you, thank you very much.

the passion to serve God: how i long to have people around me who can help me grow by constantly challenging my thinking because they are sharper than me. is it then selfish to crave the company of people sharper than me? i love to help people out, i really do. but there are just times where i wish i was on the receiving end of knowledge like i was in year 1 and 2.

it's not my christian brothers and sisters who are stopping me from serving God. they give me ample chance to. when i hang out with them, be it during buffets or bible studies or talks that go on late into the night. when i see the fire in them to want to learn and ability to step out of their comfort zones to hear things that aren't terribly pleasing to the ears of fallen man, it delights me to help them because i want to give as much as i've received in my early years. i give thanks for all of them.

but it's my parents. i just wish that i could come clean with my dad and start going to church. to be surrounded by evangelical christians who want nothing more than to read God's word to see what He's saying to us. i'm no holy moley person. but i see how fallen and depraved i can be. that's why God's such a big part of me. He gives me worth to live for tomorrow, knowing that it's another day of His goodness in my life.

i don't hate my parents. i love them. funnily enough, i thank them for the persecution at home because it makes the fight to grow in God's word even more eventful because i actually understand suffering. it's not the physical suffering and persecution that a lot of ppl get. it's the emotional and mental persecution that has made me stronger and all the more keener to learn what He has given me and promised me.

i honestly started this blog with the intention of letting out steam. guess what? i'm ending it off, realizing how blessed i am with God at the helm. that He puts everything into perspective for me. that He finds little ways of making everything tiring seem joyous. the family in SMU Dragonz and SMUCF, the friendly law profs, the fight to continue doing what i enjoy with God in the center of it all. now if that isn't enough encouragement, i don't know what is.
*********************************
side note: i've shared some thoughts on r/s with 2 ppl. the idea that i need someone who's sharper than me theologically. if not, he's not gonna be able to lead me in the growing of the Word. their response?

one said that it might be a little too selfish to think of my growth.

the other says that he/she wldn't call it as "selfish-ness" but would say that i'm too optimisstic, i.e. it'll be hard for me to find such a person given my current state of church involvement.

single then single lorh. haiz. dun need to think so much, i guess. ahahahahahahahaha

I never knew Jesus was all I needed until Jesus was all I had.

Do i know it? i like to think that i do. God's been fantastic to me. He's truly blessed me by bringing me thru my trials and letting me come out, scratched, bruised and battered, but keener to live a life truly pleasing in His eyes. ppl have wondered how i cope with my accting subs, law subs, cf committment and dragonboat.

truth is: i don't.

i've lost count of the anxiety attacks since sec 1.. the nights i've cried myself to sleep until i'm too tired or dehydrated to cry more.. the times i've been disappointed by people and things that i thought wldn't.. the moments of giddy sensations from obvious lack of proper rest..

but He never left me. He watches my tears.. He watches me struggle.. yet when i nearly failed my subs (the profs prob didn't want to see me in class anymore so they passed me..), He provided me with a job when i was dreading mommy's reaction to my decision to stay and help in CF and not care abt a job search. such timely providence for someone as lowly as i. but it's nothing compared to Him extending that nailed hand, saying, "I choose you to be Mine."

He's the only reason that i hang on; my one and only priority. He's the only one i worship and chase after. when you stop chasing money, jobs, that cum laude or dean's list position, you get the picture. no longer will you fret abt stuff that will fade. you start living the way we were meant to. in tandem with God at the helm. how many of us have stopped just look at the world and go, "God, thank you for reminding me that You're the creator"?

you don't have to tell me that it's not easy and that we have a responsibility as students. i know it! but your responsibility comes as a response to Christ. and Christ doesn't view grades as impt. He sees whether you're worshipping Him. it doesn't make sense to skip bible study and say to God, "i'll do double QT tonight." God doesn't care how long your QT is. He doesn't care whether you skip bible study or not.

He cares that you push him away and justify it by saying, "but God, you told me to work hard at my job as a student!"

try repeating, "God, i'm doing this for you" while you whiled away that time, once meant for growing in the Word and building your brothers and sisters up in Christ, but now on your homework that's due tmr and you're rushing because you waited until the very last min.. or even that quiz that's the next morning.

conversely, try slacking and repeating the same time. why you slacking? because you don't want to get caught up in your work and lose focus on God. so you watch TV, listen to music, read your christian books until 3 am then wake up at 5 am to rush your part of your project which is due at 10 am that day, saying to God, "i clearly don't view work as more impt than You!". try it. really

i tell you, the guilt will hit you sooooooo badly. the shame of knowing that you're being absolutely selfish, not because you are disregarding others. but because you're disregarding God. you're taking God's word and twisting it to what you want to hear and react to. that's not what God is asking for!

He's asking for you to be diligent in Him, to fulfill basic responsbilities of making sure that your part is done properly to not be a burden to your grp mates... or to spend a little more time with your brothers and sisters instead of trying to pretty up your damn excel spreadsheet so that the prof will give you a few more marks.

this whole issue is very personal to me. i try my darnest to be as God-like as i can and i look to my fellow Christian bros and sisters (who are said to be like-minded) for encouragement. but i get dejected and jaded when they do exactly what i'm trying to avoid. and instead of turning to them for the reminder of God, i look at His creation. not that it's wrong. it's just.. sad that i see Him working in so many other things but not in those who shld show it.

what is it that keeps us going? are we going to realize a little too late that God is really all that we have and all that we need? even now, in times of prosperity with Singapore's booming economy, how many of us will learn that ambitions and career/grade aspirations don't mean crap at all? How many of us are willing to say...

"God, i can earnestly tell you that i've done all i can to please You and only You. You are all i have and all i need. and i leave my life in Your hands to do Your will, not mine. Lead me, God."

Goals for exam period:
People, we are gonna take time out, read the bible and pray for one another, you hear me!!! no excuses of "right after this chapter.." or "one more hour please?"... how many of you read your bible in week 14 and 15 without rushing thru QT? how many of you even read your bible? i know i didn't and i was absolutely down and out. so i dun care. BIBLE READING AND PRAYER MEETINGS HOR!!

chanced upon an interesting blog while trying to find a source of a quote today.

kyle's a rather good writer. has interesting photographs of his current trip.. and he obviously knows who God is to him.
***
(extracted from Monday, April 10, 2006)
"Worship is the overall, safest place for any person to stand".

I have been in such a hurry the past few weeks, I haven't been in conversation with God for what feels like months - and at a time in my life when I need to be in conversation more than ever. I am just out of sorts. I was telling a friend at work today about how excited I am to get into Africa and out of this rat race. I think that there will be something really liberating about quitting my job and working for free for the next few years...
***

you can check out kyle's blog here: http://premium.xanga.com/kfeenstra. he's the one whom i managed to find the anon source of the quote. ok, i still don't know of the man's name but i know the story.

Burundi was the place in Africa that James mentioned. in 1993, a man's family was murdered and his home burnt to the ground during the war. he walked 40 km from the remains of his house to get to the refugee camp. all that and the man's in his 80s. and it was from him that James took the quote for today's lunch time talk, that very nice left hook jab on my flabby arm from God to me:

I never knew Jesus was all I needed until Jesus was all I had.

i'm currently writing a whole long post but i decided to break it.. like maybe post it during week 12 and slap everyone around a bit, including myself. ahahahaha. nah lah.. i'll post it soon enough because it's very dear to me.

btw, japan is no more. perhaps cambodia. and oh, melbourne's no more too. one trip shld be enough esp since i'm likely to go tioman or bintan come june.. again. hee hee. dad's paying, no sweat. what to do with the money?

Why, God's ministry, of course!! =)
***
you always sing so earnestly that you're "coming back to the heart of worship", and that "it's all about you, Jesus"....

but are you living that out? Is He really the heart of your worship? the essences of your worship 24/7/365? Are you thinking of Him now? Were you even thinking of Him when you decided to come to my blog and read my incessant ramblings? or are you worrying about where your next A is gonna come from?

gud a stuck nose. and id nod farnee ad all. dun lide..

so yes, i basically sound like that now. terrible night. cldn't sleep 'cos of the damn nose. it's making me feel absolutely dreadful. everytime i swallowed my saliva to moist the throat dry from mouth-breathing, my ears threatened to cave in. so every few minutes, i wld sit up to clear my airways before plonking back onto the bed, resigning to my miserable fate.

in the end, i had to put double pillows to prop my head up. it was 12+ and i had morning gym duty! no choice, i cldn't afford to toss and turn. it wasn't a substantial sleep. i ended up waking a couple of times during the night to change positions in hope of breathing properly.

initially, i had gone to Dr Yang (the sch doctor is Dr Paul Yang... been there so often that i remember..) yday but turns out that he's on leave and the "relief" doctor was only until 4pm instead of 5 pm. so at 9 am this morning, i half-ran and half-walked over. the short run cleared my nose, causing a rush of giddiness from the abundance of air in my system. yay.

the doctor's not in. yet.

the nurse offered to call me when he was in. thanking her, i half-run/half-walk back to the gym. in a few minutes, she called me. and boy, was i shocked. the "relief" doctor bore an uncanny resemblance to someone familiar. so i was rather distracted during the check-up. dun think it really showed. as i waited for my medication, i did a run of names and faces to match against his. and i got it...

the woodcutter from Hoodwinked (the one in the red circle)

i'm not kidding!!! he was really top-heavy in a muscular-veering-towards-gaydom way. and big girly eyes. not easy! ok, he wasn't thaaat bottom-heavy like the woodcutter. i nearly burst out laughing when i realized it. i really think he looks like another cartoon character.. but can't put my finger on who it is.

will let you guys know once i get the name and face.. need to eat my meds and read my strategy text now..