i am such a crazy fan. i cannot believe it.

but it seemed just sooo worthwhile to risk my bacteria life (as well as everyone else's) to leave the house for 1.5 hr..

to have him place his large hand on my left shoulder..

to have him extend that same hand to me to shake it before i left..

to have him write

to Jun

Much Love

Brad Little

in the cover of my CD sleeve..

despite the fact that i was somewhat reduced to a grinning moron in front of him.

i am such a retard, i swear.

he's fantabulously charming! my heart goes out to him. those red scars evident on his face from the make-up and mask.. there was a faint hint of tiredness.. yet he was really such a gentleman despite it all..

the phantom's role is really not an easy one. think abt the emotional rollarcoaster in 2.5 hrs. from hopefulness, only to give way to jealousy, rage, to burn with passion.. to desperation and finally.. hopelessness.. and he does this night after night after night. and four shows during the weekends! it's mad!

his cd is magical. but nothing beats listening to the man live. i have to say that i prefer Kris Philips' version of "This is the Moment" more.. "If Ever I Would Leave You" is just.. different. Brad's got a voice like spring, one that is lighter, fluid and captivating. Kris is more of autumn, one slightly heavy, velvetly and seductive. :P

i'm how swooning now. i *heart* the man..

i'm never gonna concentrate on strategy now. i shld just go to bed right? hee hee...

******

hands that have shook the very right hand of brad little...

last night, i registered 37.8C on the damn thermometer. felt absolutely crummy so i had an early night. desperate housewives is not worth my time when i have a paper the next day..

(Jun: 0, Fever: 1)

i wake this morning. take the temp again. 36.5C. i'm normal again! besides, i've got brekkie with loo loo and gabes. pick gabes up from the overhead bridge and we head to sch. a pleasant surprise when thiangster joins us as well. valerie wilson is staring at us. not usual to see happy students a bit stoned out and having brekkie together, i guess.

(Jun: 1, Fever: 1)

by 8.30, i'm dying from constant coughing. pay dr Paul a visit. bugger's sick too. turns out i have a very slight fever. 37.3C. gives me medication. i ask for non-drowsy cough medication. he looks at me.

"i can give you cough tablets. but they have side effects: palpitation."

i don't care. i need to study. i've got a paper in the afternoon. i take it. i go back to the room, eat my medication. can't focus. the paracetamol knocks me out. i wake up because my heart's beating way too fast for comfort. i try to steady it. not taking any risk, i skip medication after lunch.

the law paper was ok. i think. i think i was coherent. feeling like crap after my paper, i head home instead of studying. take the temp. 38.8C. i'm ready to cry. take a nap. wake up. 38.5C. i wave the white flag.

(Jun: 1, Fever: 2)

wonder what'll happen tonight.. can feel my heart beating a little faster than usual, getting ready to speed up. my nose is like a leaky faucet. yay. i swear, i'm gonna ask for a break-down of my law grade and fight for a higher exam grade if i screwed it up today.

dun like...

not looking forward to graduation at all. when i was in the lib on Good Friday, jt was next to me blogging and uploading photos as well. yc doesn't seem to be looking forward to it as well. it's just.. bittersweet right now and it's not the dark nama royce chocolate talking now.

i love the sch. i honestly do. i love it for how my little corners have precious memories just like the old sch. like how the cfers used to block-book 3.8 and 3.9 until 3.8 got too stuffy and 3.9 got too cold. but we never left from the corner. too many memories.. and our Good Friday picnic in 3.7. we've got milk, honey snack and manna! ok, banana walnut bread. and two other korean snacks as well as bitter nama chocolate..

but you get my point. little corners of the sch hold precious precious memories for me. playing werewolf, cupid during foc. it's just.. special to me. it's not the sch. it's a whole combination of how i can walk past a section of the school and the special ppl who made that corner special come back in floods.

how special have ppl been?

ben who was so worried for me that he allowed me to cry down the phone in the morning, then kept calling me throughout the day to make sure that i was alright... wanz who wanted to do projects together but we were always in diff grps until mpw where the grps were assigned just because he wanted to give me the tronky... my dear da ge who's always so gentle with me.. loo loo for all the amazing love songs that we've listened and sang to together and the morning breakfasts (dude, you have got to stop telling me that you'll miss me.. i'm not going anywhere!!)..

there's my fave ice cream girls, steph, jt and jane who've seen me thru my bimb moments over a lot of ice cream.. gwen who's always been there when my personal issues get the better of me because she knows exactly what it is that i go through.. fel who's held my hand through laughter and tears

other flood of photos for now with the forementioned ppl (except my da ge.. how come i dun have photo with you yet!!!!) and a few more. haiz..

me and ben

me and wan me and jem (i made him wear his glasses in a photo! finally!) ice cream girls me and gwenme and felme and sheryl (she was my classmate in sec 3 and sec 4. we've been in the same sch ever since..)me and the self-professed legolas. (sorry spenc, i cldn't help it. muahahaha)

if you see me broken and lying there

don't leave me to be

catch a falling tear

say a little prayer

for me

****

what a very stressed french commentor sounded like at 90+2 min of the arsenal v westham united match when arsenal was in the whu penalty box: fabregas, baptisa, adebayor, ade-ade-eh!

a couple friends left me disappointed. i always thought of them to be stewards of God but they seem to have let human relationships cloud their perception. i admit, i have been unloving in how i've treated ppl. but i change for God. i'll continue correcting them and rebuking them in love. isn't all Scriptures is good for "teaching, correcting and rebuking"? how can you let friendship stand in the way and say, "because he/she's my friend, i cannot be critical of the person because i'm not perfect myself?"

no! you need to help your friends grow! you need to help them to be more like Him.. and if you realize that you're not perfect, are you changing? are you asking your friends to teach, correct and rebuke you? are you ready to face up to the fact that you're gonna hear things that you don't like but in all objective discernment, realize that there is a reason why ppl are saying stuff about you or others around you? is God in the center of your life?

or is man and his man-made imperfect relationship and flaw yardstick governing your life?

but i just wanted to remind my dear CFers who are reading this right now. i've told some of you before and i'm telling you all this again. people are not perfect. God is. at the end of the day, all your decisions to live your life a certain way shld have Him as a motivation. you only serve people because you want to serve Him. and you serve Him by serving ppl.

when it comes to pleasing God or pleasing people, God comes first. He's our only priority so don't tailor your decisions to please people. please God. be it your job search, GPA, ministry, exchange, summer study... is God in the center? even worse when you say, "hey, let's focus on smth else for now." you fail to serve both God and ppl. you serve yourself. how selfish of you as a Christian. how are you gonna answer ppl who ask, "are you sure you can handle both your ministry and your work? isn't it very heavy,"

i've answered that question already. i once looked at a friend straight in the face and told him, "i'll try to cope. if i can't cope, too bad. i'll quit my job."

i knew that it made him uncomfortable. but i've never been more convinced that this is what i'm going to do. i'm not asking anyone to do the same thing. but i know me. this is how i find peace with God, to go to Him and say, "I am serving You, and not myself. i'm pleasing You and no one else. I'm Yours."

that's why i made all those decisions since i entered SMU.. wrt exchange, summer study, my stay on in the exco despite objections by my mom, choosing cf over dragonboat.. i don't need to please anyone else but God. a crude expression (for the lack of a better one) would be that people are coincidental. that i end up making them happy along the way of my rightful response to Him.

example? prayer in the park. we did it during StuVac. i just wanted to remind myself that God's the reason for everything. it was best if we did it as a group. my dearest da ge thankfully reminded me before the week was done. so we headed to campus green to pray. it was great. i think we were all encourage by those who showed up. and everyone seemed a little lighter and calmer after the thing.


i just pray for the ministry... that it will continue to strive to please Him in all the decisions that not just the new exco, but all the members make will have Him as the only motivation.

on a lighter note, i was pleasantly surprised the other day. my non-christian friend once asked me what denomination i was. i looked at her with a smile and replied, "i'm an evangelical Christian."

she didn't understand as she had never heard of such a Christian. i explained that i belonged not to a building but to God. that my beliefs and life was governed by the word that He had given me: the Bible. she rolled her eyes and laughed. she was just amused at how simple Christianity was in actual fact.

on that day which i was pleasantly surprised, two friends were talking abt church as one friend was currently "visiting" a church that followed a denomination different from his/her original church. the other friend looked at the first friend.

"are you a (insert denomination) or not?"

"no."

"then what are you?"

"I'm an evangelical."

let's just say i was grinning at the last statement. it's nice to know that i'm not the only one who dares to voice this thought out.

i just chanced upon treasures!

my mommy was sorting out some gold jewelry. since i'm at a neverending stage where i like shiny stuff (a bit like a black bird..), i abandoned Hitt, Hoskisson and Ireland to check out the shiny objects. then i realized that some belonged to me.

not that my mommy hid them away from me. she was just keeping stuff that i used to have as a child. i was squealing the entire time as i fingered the tiny bracelets, necklaces and pendants. i have two gold charm bracelets! how cool is that?!?

i decided that i was going to take some out of the safe to wear. yes, the jewelry is kept in a safe deposit box. anywayz, i settled for a charm bracelet and a tiny ring. gonna wear the ring as a pendant. omigosh!! it's how tiny! they were apparantly all gifts from my granny and aunties, bulk of them were bought out of my mommy's year end bonuses.

by the time my mom kept the rest of the stuff, i was back at my book and notes, still fingering the tiny ring. she sat down opposite me and i cldn't help squealing.

"so cute! i used to be sooo tiny!"

"not that you're very big now.."

right. thanks mom...

Graduation Part (1)

i don't know how many parts i'll be having.. but it depends on the ppl i end up taking pictures with as well. anyhoo, not all the pictures taken will be here. shld be studying too but anywayz... for more the pictures, do go to my facebook account instead. under my albums, you'll get to check them all out.

for those without facebook... WHY DON'T YOU HAVE ONE YET? go to http://www.facebook.com/, get an account, and search for my hanyupingying name. :)

photos at: http://smusg.facebook.com/album.php?aid=11073&l=67b5c&id=866370645

anywayz, was thinking back to the mini obs outing we had at substation. just beer and pizza. i was sooo sleepy after that. but for whatever that i was awake for, it was fun. obs was also the official start of weird nicknames.

i've had pet names that are mere variations of my name made cute. all the various permutations and combinations with "act cute" sounds by my dear friends.. then the tongxi-ans came along and the funny names started.. like furby, hamster-in-the-cupboard.. damn strange la.. but at least it's dear cheong giving me the nicknames. think if any of the guys tried it, i wld have smashed their heads in..

i'm gonna miss this all..

IT and Law grp (zx, gwen, cx, siew may, me and Prof Chik)

pam, me, mabel

me, poh

me, sam

me, da jie, kelly, xiuling, bao bao

quotes of the day, courtesy of dear JJ..
**
on balance sheets: "if it doesn't balance, you're not gonna get into accounting heaven."

random 1: "don't play on the PIE, you'd get knocked down."

random 2: "yesterday, today, tomorrow - if you can think of a 4th one, don't shout it out. whisper it to me. we can make a lot of money."

on CM rule: "the capital maintenance rule applies to capital, not horses."
**

yes, the dear prof that played dodgeball with me during class. use to catch no ball at the beginning, i was just getting whacked. info overload, i swear. *waves white flag* but now, it's a lot better.

right now, i don't want to be in youan's shoes. poor dude. his entire face is red. JJ's unorthodox methods seriously impress me. i actually understand what he's saying, most of the time. cool dude. really.

another magical weekend..

and i remember the races, the tears, the muscle cramps, the disappointments, the laughters...

i remember the jokes, the food, the studying, the "umizaru gang" when we were rowing to the starting line at June Fest..

and i'm grateful. grateful that i am a part of this team. that i have that chance to be part of that memory.

my dearest dragonz, look up. learn from the MR500. dragonboating is never about yourself. when you row hard, you're rowing for the one next to you, the one in front of you and the one behind you. you're rowing for the team. that's what dragonboating is about. not yourself. but the people around you. keep going at it. i'm sure that the memories you leave with will be worth so much more than any metal that you may receive along the way.

last glimpse at the last buoy in rapid charge on 18th Mar, 2007, Sunday morning.

***

anyone has david usher's cd "strange bird"? just watch his latest video, "the music" and i must say, he still impresses me. love his "slightly nasal" wonky voice that makes me literally lost in the music. one of those songs that you put on your headphones, close your eyes and dance in the comfort of your bedroom.

David Usher - The Music

Baby, Baby don't be late,

The world is ending, I can't change the way I feel about you now

New York is cold as ever.

Still I go out every night,

Hide myself among the lights,

Pray that all the pretty things, silly brains

Blood is glistening and they shine

Like the stars we're born to die

Like these roses we all fade

I'm counting the cars on the freeway below,

Lost in the music, all the foolishness of our lives

Spinning out of control, lost in the music, in the music...

Baby, Baby please don't cry,

Wipe the guilt out from your eyes,

lay your conscience on the bed, there's no one innocent here

In the mirror you'll find faith,

Plastic flowers never fade

We all turn to gray

I'm counting the cars on the freeway below,
Lost in the music, all the foolishness of our lives
Spinning out of control, lost in the music, in the music...

I lost my way, I lost it all,

I lost my way...

Baby Baby, please don't cry,

Wipe the guilt out from your eyes, pick yourself up off the bed,

There's no one innocent here

Bodies glisten and they shine

Like the stars we're born to die

Like these roses we all fade

I'm counting the cars on the freeway below,

Counting the lights and the end of it all,

Counting the cars on the freeway below

Lost in the music

In the music

Pick-up line of the day as contributed by my little bro.

"See my friend over there? He wants to know if you think i'm cute."

that's my little bro for you. how fantastic is that?

last night's CF talk was on Gen 2:4-25. Creation of Man and Woman. Then James mentioned smth that made me scribble something in my own notes:

Fairytales have no place in God's view of marriage..

True? Think about it, what's your idea of a perfect man or perfect woman to fit into your fairytale? for e.g, does your dream guy need to be tall, tanned, well built, good command of english, be able to sing well, play a musical instrument, ride and have a bike, drive and have a car, earring/tattoo, be really pretty with intense eyes that seem to look right into your soul?

i believe that God's world still has a place for fairytales.

i'm not idealising marriage, don't get me wrong. but i believe that in God's kingdom, if come the day that i get attached, it'll be the fairytale that i hope to have. sounds like i've set myself up for disappointment, huh? i beg to differ.

in my little fairytale world, i crave perfection in imperfection. i long to see the sinfulness of my partner and watch him return to the Lord in deep repentance, out of fear, reverence and love. i want him to struggle to be a Christian. and whether he succeeds or not, i want him to recognize that God is never-changing in His judgement and love. i need him to love God before anyone else.

i want him to guide me when i'm wrong. i want him to look after me all the time, as he would with his own body. i want him to lead me to grow deeper and deeper in love and understanding of God. (Eph 5) and i want him to realize that i'm as sinful as he is but i'm willing to be there for him to help him in his walk with Christ. i'm not there to teach. i'm not there to exercise authority over him. i'm there as a helper in submission. but i can only do that if he can lead me.

and as far as my little fairytale goes, as long as i can never find that guy who's able (read: sharper than me) to push me to grow more and more for the rest of my life, my fairytale still plays out in my continual ministry for God. singlehood will always have a place in my fairytale. isn't better, to live a life in full devotion to that real groom of that real marriage in the heavenly realms? (1 Cor 7)

think about it. who are we to decide that we are alone or lonely? Adam didn't go to God and say, "hey God, i'm getting lonely here. how 'bt a helper for me?" God decided for Adam. I'm honestly leaving my life in His hands. I'll go wherever His will takes me. perhaps, to finish up what i actually wrote in my notes:

Fairytales have no place in God's view of marriage. Really? It depends on what your fairytale is.

timing is perfect! just found out that my grp is presenting in week 11 of the mod term. meaning, my presentation is on the... 8th of May!!

and i'm either flying off that evening or 9th May. omg. timing is how amazing can! now i can go to vietnam without worrying abt my project or my grp mates.

now, my only worry abt traveling is whether i'll get to go to Brunei. but.. but.. but.. i can hear the carousel calling out to me..

Brunei on 11th June to 19 June, anyone? pulez.. pulez.. my mommy's not gonna let me go alone.. pulez?

been thru quite a couple of downs since the year began. from my stupid wrist injury to falling ill constantly. that put me out of action for 1 whole month. i've lost my tan and been having probs with sleeping. headaches have become more frequent.

it's just strange to have something so part of your routine that you actually enjoy so you can't help feeling lost when you stop doing it. i crave exercise. just the sweat, aching muscles, internal burn of the latic acid, and adrenaline still gushing thru me. so when i was out for that month, i just spiralled downwards. not fun, i swear.

i'm at a time where i'm easily fatigued and a little lower on blood than usual. even squatting down on the floor for more than 5 minutes sends a giddy rush to my head when i stand. so after the beep test last night, after failing at the 7'5 mark, i stopped to catch my breath. and saw black.

it was for a spilt second. nothing uncommon for me really. but it took nearly 8 minutes before i wasn't as giddy anymore. it was most uncomfortable to feel cold air rushing into my body that was burning and i was honestly reluctant to breathe. that's it. i'm buying iron tablets even though mom says that they'll cause constipation. i eat my fruits and vegs so it shldn't be a prob. i don't intend on fainting while working out. one thing i've learnt in my life... things that i really enjoy don't come easy.

the craving to dragonboat: my parents are against it. my father even attributed my hairline crack to my training. i was so frus with him that i glared at him when i told him that my fall had nothing to do with training. i'm just tired of how they think of ways to get me to quit.

the desire to further my studies in law: i did ask them abt continuing in SMU. just 1.5 more years. i know i can clear my law courses. they'd rather i start working. i take all these law courses when my timetable allows. even then, i get complaints about taking useless courses. is it so hard to see that sometimes decisions don't have to be "for a better future"? what about a "happier today"? do they even realize that their decisions are affecting me adversely? i want not the materialistic gains but the simple geeky joy i get from reading a 200 page article written by my dear prof.

i'm such a nerd that i think our law journals in the lib are such an asset. thank you, thank you very much.

the passion to serve God: how i long to have people around me who can help me grow by constantly challenging my thinking because they are sharper than me. is it then selfish to crave the company of people sharper than me? i love to help people out, i really do. but there are just times where i wish i was on the receiving end of knowledge like i was in year 1 and 2.

it's not my christian brothers and sisters who are stopping me from serving God. they give me ample chance to. when i hang out with them, be it during buffets or bible studies or talks that go on late into the night. when i see the fire in them to want to learn and ability to step out of their comfort zones to hear things that aren't terribly pleasing to the ears of fallen man, it delights me to help them because i want to give as much as i've received in my early years. i give thanks for all of them.

but it's my parents. i just wish that i could come clean with my dad and start going to church. to be surrounded by evangelical christians who want nothing more than to read God's word to see what He's saying to us. i'm no holy moley person. but i see how fallen and depraved i can be. that's why God's such a big part of me. He gives me worth to live for tomorrow, knowing that it's another day of His goodness in my life.

i don't hate my parents. i love them. funnily enough, i thank them for the persecution at home because it makes the fight to grow in God's word even more eventful because i actually understand suffering. it's not the physical suffering and persecution that a lot of ppl get. it's the emotional and mental persecution that has made me stronger and all the more keener to learn what He has given me and promised me.

i honestly started this blog with the intention of letting out steam. guess what? i'm ending it off, realizing how blessed i am with God at the helm. that He puts everything into perspective for me. that He finds little ways of making everything tiring seem joyous. the family in SMU Dragonz and SMUCF, the friendly law profs, the fight to continue doing what i enjoy with God in the center of it all. now if that isn't enough encouragement, i don't know what is.
*********************************
side note: i've shared some thoughts on r/s with 2 ppl. the idea that i need someone who's sharper than me theologically. if not, he's not gonna be able to lead me in the growing of the Word. their response?

one said that it might be a little too selfish to think of my growth.

the other says that he/she wldn't call it as "selfish-ness" but would say that i'm too optimisstic, i.e. it'll be hard for me to find such a person given my current state of church involvement.

single then single lorh. haiz. dun need to think so much, i guess. ahahahahahahahaha