on saturday, jt and i collected our gowns together. after that, it was to suki sushi for buffet lunch and laughs. but it wasn't before long that the reality of that gown and mortar board next to us on our chair sank in.

we started to talk abt work.. abt the world's perceptions.. abt prospects.. abt money.. the conversation took such a serious and real turn abt where we were headed to.

i see it in the eyes of the people around me all the time. those eager beavers hoping to show the world what they are made of. hoping to make a future for themselves. to prove their worth to everyone.

i just want to show God who i'm make of. Him. i have no future 'cept the one God has already made for me. Him. God has told me what it is that makes me of any worth. Him.

i'm no better than those out there. i do look into that todds' window and crave to hold that gorgeous white bag. i do look at those flashy cars and wish that it was me in it. the wanderlust within me longs to walk the pebbled pavements of europe or drive past the pacific ocean to go from SF to LA...

but all that is transcient. all that will come to pass and mean nothing. but He is eternal.

i'm not going to give up eternity for today. it's not worth losing God for anything else.

then i hear the usual laments.. abt being able to support yourself.. abt being able to support your family.. fine, feed your face. i agree that we do have responsibilities. but are we using God as an excuse to gratify our sinful nature? i pray that i'll never come to that stage. and i pray for my friends that they won't too.

i don't wanna be lost to the world. i never wanna be of the world even though i'm in it. and i don't wanna see those i love losing themselves to the world too. i know i'm gonna be busy when work starts. esp towards the end of the year.

~keep me in your prayers.. that i'll never lose sight. and i'll be praying for all of you too~

i haven't been in a great mood today. just.. grouchy. evan cld tell. gabe-san cld tell..

perhaps it's just me being ill-mannered and not wanting to grow up. not wanting to face the truths of life that i need to move on.. but.. gosh. i can't believe that i'm missing stuff like "foster's home for imaginary friends" and "ed, edd and eddy".. this is proof of my reluctance to move on with life.

am i not trusting enough in Him?

will i continue to hold fast to Him? will i still be that vulnerable little girl clinging to His feet and letting go of everything else? or will i become a hard nut that no one can break through? will i become power hungry and ignore all that He's done for me? when i stand in front of Him, will i be able to say, "God, I'm Yours. I always have been."

oh god. i'm freaking out now.

but thanks to my dear friends who let me whine the entire night away.. to just let out part of that fear... that frustration at my helplessness at this point of time. never felt so terrible.. i've always moved on with life fine. why not now?

just gotta keep trusting in You. let me keep trusting in You. help me keep trusting in You.

just finished talking to aunty boon hong. i miss her and melbourne. it's one of the three places that i wanna return to so badly. first being taiwan, second is melbourne and third is vietnam. anywayz..

she was asking me abt my job and the opportunities for secondment. to be honest, it's just sooo tempting.. to be able to go work in melbourne. walking down flinder's once again.. sinful krispy kreme.. QVM.. just the cool crisp air with a slight tinge of burnt leaves (no thanks to the bushfires).. and the people are just so nice there.

and imagine the theological exposure and freedom that i wld have there! to not worry abt going to church or being even more active in my ministry.. the relaxed working culture.. when i told her that i hoped to not work beyond 9pm, she was horrified. in oz, the working culture is just so relaxed! they get the job done but they aren't workaholics..

and a summer house at lorne on the way to the Great Ocean Road! i'm honestly floating in lala land right now. but just the thought of it. just sooooo tempting.

am i running away from persecution? am i letting my decisions be governed by what God has asked of me? to just please Him? to just glorify Him in all that i do? why melbourne? why not taiwan where there are so many others who have not heard the gospel? why not vietnam? actually, i don't mind..

which begets the question.. if God ever decides that i'm to end up in a desolate place that i'm not that fond of... will i still strive to please Him and proclaim His word faithfully? i really don't know. and whilst talking to steph, i noticed her msn nick.

"Yes I thank You, Lord... Trusting His Heart"

Dan Burgess' song comes into mind and i find myself just singing the chorus to myself until steph sent me the entire song lyrics. the words are just so powerful and so challenging.. and real.

I thank You Lord - Dan Burgess

And I thank You Lord

For the trials that come my way

In that way I can grow each day

As I let You lead

And I thank You Lord

For the patience those trials bring

In that process of growing

I can learn to care

But it goes against the way I am

To put my human nature down

And let the Spirit take control of all I do

For when those trials come

My human nature shouts the things to do

And God's soft prompting

Can be easily ignored

But I thank You Lord

With each trial I feel inside

That You're there to help lead and guide

Me away from wrong

For You promised, Lord

That with every testing

That Your way of escaping's

Easier to bear

Yes, I thank You Lord

For the victory that growing brings

In surrender of everything

Life is so worthwhile

And I thank You Lord

That when everything's put in place

Out in front I can see Your face

And it's there You belong

I'm gonna just keep trusting... and let the Spirit take control of all i do.. that the soft prompting from God is gonna drown out the shouts of my sinful nature. that i'm just gonna stop giving excuses abt how hard it is to put that human nature down. no matter how hard it is, i'm gonna give in to the Spirit..

to the One who died for me and reconciled me back into His perfect kingdom..

to the One who gives me hope for tmr and days to come.

my אֶהְיֶה

was flipping thru the recent copy of Lime and there was a write-up on hcmc. i honestly love saigon. it's my second fave tourist spot after taiwan right now. but i was rather let down by the article.

i agree, Saigon Square was quite fantastic. but Ben thanh? there are loads of stuff there but they failed to mention that the people in ben thanh were rough not very nice as those in saigon square. oh well. and i can't believe that they failed to mention the entire backpackers area.

the backpackers area is a little haven in itself. stores selling vietnamese t-shirts for 20 000vn (S$1.90). and beef pho for 16 000 vn (S$1.50). beer is as low as 12 000 vn (S$1.14). in fact, their own local saigon blue and red are not too shabby!

there are shops selling silk items. vietnamese silk is gorgeous and i was buying bags for S$10. those that you see in chomel or madam butterfly for $30 and up. small silk pouches were $1.50. not just that, there were places that organized local tours. half day cuchi tunnel tours were US$4 (S$6.15) and 1 day mekong delta was US$7 (S$10.77).

tailoring is cheap in the backpacker's area too! i made an ao dai and a brown silk dress for US$18 each. in total, it came up to about S$55! and it was a tailor recommended thru reviews on the internet as well as in the travel booklet found on tiger airways.

and oh man, accomodation? we stay at the glorious madam cuc 127. they were amazingly friendly! there was breakfast and dinner provided. dinner was comforting noodles and deep fried local spring rolls. aw man, just thinking abt it, i wanna go all the way back now. to just sink my teeth into the glorious bread and wash down everything at the end with vietnamese coffee.

from the balcony of our room at night

and we paid US$20 a night for a room with 2 queen beds. the most expensive room in the place. airport transfer was US$7. not per head, mind you. fantastic location too! we were really close to the blind massage place mentioned in lonely planet. it wasn't fastastic but it was cheap and comforting enough.
from the balcony of our room in the morning

i think the numbers speak for themselves quite a bit at this point. so i'm wondering why the Lime article failed to mention the gorgeous little area. and i just recapped my entire experience in the lovely corner of hcmc.




gosh.. to go back again. yet for now, taiwan beckons again in year-end. :)

ok, after a spat of emo blog post and a bit of mandarin from me, i decided there needs to be an update on other issues. ahahaha.

*****

1. thanksgiving dinner

it was really fun. just meeting up with ppl. listening to liyang and victor talk. i was really contented to just sit there and listen to them. something i miss ever since the seniors left. i wonder if the younger ones will miss us the way i miss them. :P

the videos came and it just brought back fond memories of all that transpired in my four years in SMUCF.. all the friends.. all the laughter.. all the times we just saw one another through it all and prayed for one another. i can't ask for a better fellowship than these people.

how things came one full circle for me. just seeing ppl again like liyang, vic, chee wee, desmond, fangkai, wai.. ppl that i've not seen for the longest time. fred doesn't count. he's neighbor.. ahahaha.

then going home to read the notes. that's when the floodgates started while i was on my bed. gosh. who remembers foc 2006? and now, foc 2007 is on its way.

2. Dinner with the girls

i love my dear girls so much. dinner was fun. company was just fantabulous along with our two honorary members at the dinner. just wish more girls were there. after that, some of us headed to tcc for coffee and chilling. yay!

*****

right now, i've got bintan this weekend before i start work on wed. hopefully things will work out fine. funnily enough, one topic seems to come up quite a bit now when i meet up with people.. bgr.

i've had friends telling me that they don't want to be alone.. a couple of girls. guys? they just move on to the next girl very quickly after they lose hope with another. so it's their way of telling me that they are just afraid of being alone. i was asked if i was afraid.

strangely enough. i am afraid and not afraid at the same time. like when the time comes when all my friends marry off, what'll happen to me? when i grow old, will there be a family for me? will i ever be a housewife? but.. i'm content. with all that He's given to me and will give to me. i can't think of anymore things to ask of Him then just more understanding of who He is and how i can continue to please Him.

oh well. que sara, sara. whatever will be, will be.

after gym, i wanted to roam around school to take pictures. but when i walked around, the schoold felt cold.

empty.

like something was missing.

ended up not taking any pictures.

what's a photo of a place without meaning?

what's a place without the people that make it feel like home?

then at starbucks.. followed by manhattan fish market.. followed by tcc.. places so random and new. yet they held so much more meaning for me during that period when i was with them all. my girls.. the boys.. my dears that i just hold on to so tightly.. haiz

********

在这一瞬间的我还是很怀念那四年的完美回忆

那每一份每一秒的完美回忆

不知你是否也会这样的想念我

somehow my visits to kimage have been more interesting. i went today to do my hair and it was really quite fun.

my stylist, mei li, was just sooo busy. she was running up and down and kinda left me alone for a while. the poor girl had no chance to eat! but she was most entertaining and just such a joy to talk to during the whole thing.

while waiting, i just heard the funniest conversation between the instructor and a student

Teacher:你有头吗 ("头" is the slang for customer)

Student: (points to head, grinning.) there.

i was just laughing to myself. lameass, i swear. despite the terribly long time i spent in the salon, it was just... erm.. reminiscent of the first time i went there. my first visit, i had a male student cutting my hair. when his hand brushed my ears, i blushed. my ears are so super sensitive can!

there was this guy waiting for his gf behind me. so he was sitting at the table diagonally opposite me and our eyes met through the mirror. after that, i was casually glancing into the air when i realized that he was looking my way again. when i caught his eye, he quickly turned his face away. and when it happened a few other times, i got kinda annoyed.

fine. he's cute. but gf! hallow?

at least there was a cuter hairstylist to look at. and i realized, dark ash blonde is a really really nice color. fine, that cute hairstylist had dark ash blonde hair. and he had the nicest hair color among all! not the best style but the best color. he had a very normal style that you'd see on most taiwanese boyband members.

but yes, it was a fun trip to kimage as usual. wonder what my next experience will be like.

and noo.. wine and vodka do not go. my younger bro and pop can testify to that. they are the funniest when they are drunk and red. hilarious.

old habits are hard to break. esp when you're so used to a certain way of life..

i can't stop wanting to be there for them

i can't stop trying to help them scare their competitors

i can't stop not meeting up with them.

good habits are alright, i guess. just slight emptiness bound to happen when it's all removed all too suddenly. but one habit is not going to change. i'm never going to stop loving the people i love.

*********

yet when a "habit" changed for the first time, i cried myself dry. maybe because i was worried about how much we were changing and leaving behind. or maybe because for the first time in 3 years, it felt like you did care for me.

在这样的夜晚，我会把mp３的声音调高。那样我才不会胡思乱想。但今晚，思想却淹没着歌声。眼泪就是因为你而在回家的路上流。

我想现在的我可能已经把事情搞到有点复杂

也许是这件事使我烦恼到睡眠不足，有时在夜深人静中就不禁掉眼泪

但不必为我而担心

那也不会让我的心情平静

给我多一点时间

现在的我最不希望你们也烦恼

更不需要你们的唠叨

我只有个要求

请为我祈祷

********************
don't worry... i don't think i'll write in Chinese often. just for tonight i guess. cldn't help myself while i wrote it on the bus. but chinese, at this point of time, just seems to be more expressive as compared to english. oh well.

absolutely random post. but i wanna do smth to my hair. derno what. highlight? soft rebond? derno. just bored of it. any suggestions for one that's gonna be a boring KPMG idiot?

finally back from a weekend trip to bintan. as usual, we headed over to banyan tree. the custom officer was actually a nice start to the trip. indonesian custom officers are kinda stereotyped as being slow and inefficient and not the most friendly ppl around.

and i got a nice officer! he just made small talk and teased me about banyan tree. it was a really nice start. even nicer when we were sitting in the waiting area for banyan tree occupants while everyone else was standing around the terminal, squashed with their own groups.

one thing i have to say.. banyan tree is really boring. fine, perhaps it wld have been fun with the right "someone" but i just really lazed by the pool or read my book or transferred my poems (yes, finally..) to my proper poem book. or it was the jacuzzi.. or a very very foamy outdoor bath complete with water jets and yummy smelly bath salts. and i was honestly bored to tears.

hopefully angsana will be more fun. going for spa.. all terrain vehicle riding.. cocktails by the pool.. and maybe jet-skiing. see how la. urgh. boring banyan tree man.

ok, it wasn't all that bad la. i finally got to sleep after a whole week of insomnia at home. i was sleeping at 3-4 am at home. on the first night at banyan, i knocked out at 11.30 pm s'pore time. perhaps it was the amazing seafood linguine dinner.. perhaps it was the sight of the dark velvet sky with so many stars that it looked like sparkling dust. if there was such a dress, it wld be too expensive to even sell given the number of diamonds. or it cld have been the soothing amber fragrance in the air.

the second night, the stupid lizard kept me up with it's annoying call! i loathe lizards. like honestly. yes, vannie, i cannot cannot stand lizards.

but the sight was as beautiful as i remember. the calm as i stared at the sea from the edge of the pool. the reflection of the sun on the surface.. just so grateful for creation.. grateful for the sight that i have to experience it all. i just lost count of the times i thanked God for the beauty in the world. :)

today on the bus, i saw the most precocious precious looking toddler. he (jt~ i never put "it" already...) had his eyes wide opened and was swinging his head from side to side, his little mouth slightly opened...

then he sighed.

i turned into a puddle of swoon. i have never seen a baby sigh before! it was how cute!! his little shoulders rose and fell as he let out a deep breath and his head lowered a little at the same time. aaawwWWwwWWWww~

on the bus home, there was this girl who cldn't stop saying "then" or "then right" or "and then". i didn't want to eavesdrop. but she was sooo super loud that i could hear her even though my mp3 volume was at 13. normally that shuts out people to a murmur. once she got onto the bus, she sat down and started ALL HER SENTENCES with "then right".

i sniggered when she got so high to the point she stuttered, "then right, then right, then right..." the whole conversation!! i cldn't hear anything else she said but "then", "then right" and "and then". at another time, she stuttered the word "then" 4 times. i decided to count the number of "thens".

in less than 6 min (the point where i got off the bus), she hit number 45. that's practically 8 every minute. i started laughing once i got off the bus all the way to when i reached the other end of the overhead bridge.

sidenote: i'll be gone over the weekend and will only be back in Singapore on monday. can't wait. my own pool.. my own jacuzzi.. my own outside bath complete with jets of water.. BOW DOWN BEFORE ME ALL YOU COMMONFOLK OF THE COMMUNAL POOL!

having a mean moment. i admit it. i'm a sinner. but i can't be all that mean.. c'mon it's just bintan. wait 'til i finally get to go lijiang or bahrain and have my own pool, jacuzzi and outside bath. muahahahah.. JOKING LA!! i'm how nice can..