I think there's far too much angst in the world today.

Coupled with a heavy dose of cynicism.

In light of this, i've been trying to lighten up a little. Instead of formulating my response immediately over issues that strike a chord with me, i try to stop and think about for a few minutes, hours if the event permits.. Then i respond. Even then, my response isn't always ideal so if possible, i remedy it.

I didn't realise the impact it had on the people around me until i have had people ask me, "how do you deal with the person/situation? How do you do it?" or "i can't believe you are so calm about it."

It's so easy to say, "well, God dealt with a lot of shit from me. So this is my response." but people don't get it.

And i know why they don't.

People cannot comprehend how i can walk away from matters that disturb or upset me, and walk back calm. People cannot comprehend why i find that silver lining.

Simply because it's a generation of whiners.

I used to be that. I used to be a forcefield of negativity, spreading it as i went around. And you know what, it doesn't make things better for anyone.

I thought about it. I prayed about it. I just asked God for directions. And i remembered, "i can do all things through Him who strengthens me."

I can continue to mope and let life get me down. Or i rely on that strength from Him to keep smiling and push through the day. And this mini revelation about a month ago woke me up.

Suddenly, i notice the sunsets more. I help more tourists smile. I say "thank you" and "please" more often. I don't burden people with my troubles simply because i know they have their own.

Sure, i slip at times. I lose my temper when things get ridiculously out of control and nonsensical, like a clinic making me wait for more than 20 min without registering me during that time. But i learnt there are other ways to deal with the situation. The menial stuff, i write a feedback to the parties in hope of a change instead of complaining to my peers. The personal stuff.. Well, i share it with good friends and ask them to pray for me. On my own part, i cry, let it out, and move on.

Of course it's not easy. I can't remember how many times i've heard people say, "it's not fair that i'm always the one to apologize first. It's not fair that i have to be the bigger person. It's not that easy!!"

But i rely on the strength from my God. That's how He set me apart. Perhaps you'll think that it's what that makes me dumb and stupid cos i'd lose out in the world..

But i rather know that i've made a person smile than to know i've let my pride or ego get in the way. That's what God seeks, isn't it? A heart that beats for Him and His world. Never mind that the world doesn't understand. As long as God understands.

Then you may think,"but i know of selfish Christians who sound like the world you're trying not to be like. Why do you then try so hard if no one else is?"

My heart beats for God. The world's reaction is inconsequential to my actions in light of what Jesus has done for me. If that makes me stupid in the eyes of the world, so be it.

But i'm going to make a difference to each "starfish" i see, even if it's one at a time. Even if it's tiring and i get no gratitude from the world. I'm keeping on for God.

so i finally started planning for London. with 2 weeks to go.

one week doesn't feel like it's enough anymore. too many cafes to hang out at! but i guess it also means i spend less money?

but to just sit in a cafe in a foreign country to people watch.. and oh my gosh the harry potter tour i found which costs me nothing except for the public transport to get to King's Cross.. i'm eagerly anticipating it and not thinking about the flood of emails.. cafes with wifi would rock so i can clear emails..

even though my cute gay acquaintance from Warwick never gave me his number.. i'll survive.

London, wait for me.

=)

my work computer decided to crash on me. a baffling move by the MacBook Pro.

kudos to you, steve. kudos.

doesn't help that this comes 3 weeks after my brand new asus crashed on me.

two seemingly reliable brands. i think the hard disks of the world hate me. :(

at the same time, work's becoming overwhelming through no fault of mine (or so i hope). everything's suddenly snowballing and accumulating while i'm left as a sitting duck, waiting for everyone to be done with what they need to do before passing the load to me.

now i understand how Bev feels with the whole concept of being a bobblehead not by choice. how many people can you shake your head defiantly at when you're at the bottom of the food chain? you just nod your head. and pray damn bleeping hard that you'll find time to breathe during work.

sigh. just keep breathing.

my first goof.

:(

on top of that, i realised that i've probably been cheated by some ass china gmarket seller who apparantly is a "power seller". "

my left eye is itching, red, tearing and making me feel terribly uncomfortable.

my asus decided to die on my after i receive the call to work.


just give me the "Idiot of the World" award now please.

on a more serious note, please pray for me and give me a hug the next time you see me. i really can't think of any other thing i need more than prayer and a few good friends.

i hate love.

it eats you up. it tears you down. it makes you happy and sad at the same time. it leaves you confused.

it makes you expect things. and when your expectations are not met, it makes you disappointed. then love makes you feel guilty for being disappointed. it makes you feel tired for always feeling guilty. and it makes you feel guilty for feeling tired of always feeling guilty.

then you start to question if you were really loved or if your partner was just in love with the idea of being in love. and you question that about yourself too.

i firmly believe that tolerating your partner's flaws are not a sacrifice. whether she talks about herself all the time, or whether he loses his temper when you talk about yourself all the time.

it's a response to the fact that your partner loves you. but when you're not loved, there's only so far you can lie to yourself.





i really really really hate love.

it's a fresh start. a new slate.

new people in my life. hopefully the old ones are still around.

suddenly, i'm once again unsure of what's to come. probably a good thing 'cos it helps to make me a little stronger. especially when close friends are constantly on the move and flying around. like if perry were to really go to london for six months, i'd be lost for a few days. that crazy boy's just been such an incredible friend at this time, making sure i'm dealing with this new chapter. and he was even too busy to meet for dinner recently.. just as a lot of other close friends have been too busy.

work's been tiring and busy for me too. what with the wedding coming up soon as well... even more stuff to check off the list.

this uncertainty is definitely unsettling. i don't really know where i am. i feel almost ghost-like where i make contact and wonder if people will respond to me or think my touch was just a chill in the wind.





sounds almost like a perfect time to slip away from the world and hide in my little shell. unfortunately, that won't happen until after 14 May. but getting away from it all sounds so much better than this whole sense of loneliness while being surrounded by people. time to plan a solo getaway.




in the midst of all this, i'm still praying. still praying that i'd get through this period and come out a little stronger. just praying.

(never have i deleted and added and deleted a post so much before posting. bleah.)

around April last year, i was wondering whether to go to HK. i did during summer. one of the most fun trips ever.

crabmeat linguine at fat angelou's. cheap massage in kowloon. H&M in Central. shopping at the outlet mall. scoffing down the usual asian western mix cuisine in Little Hawaii (or smth like that). watching the sights go by on the $2 tram. catching the sunset at the Peak.

i miss those lazy summer days. i really do. :(

been back for two weeks. new phone.. new laptop... damn broke. sigh.

part of me is still in NYC. the city is just so bright and vibrant at night. such an atmosphere heightened by the chill in the air, reminding me of Christmas in USA or anywhere with a proper winter. much desired at this point where the weather is gross, humid and warm. I feel like i'm a bikram studio. urgh. i miss the chilly days..

bring me somewhere cold now please!

 Ski slopes in korea

keeping the ears warm in Everland 

falling mist / snow at niagara falls, buffalo 

snow bunnies at mt. tateshima, japan.

i miss freezing and risking frost bite soooo badly.

had dinner with the extended family. Uncle Gab is heading to China. tbh, it started out like any other dinners we've had together. Alexis going loco on us once in a while, screaming and becoming camera shy. Anson's warmed up so much. the usual 'attitude' glare is now a wide smile or a blur look. my little dumb dumb.

after dinner, Uncle Gab loaded up the car as usual with the kids and the granny. he turned to mommy and his face scrunched up. a little part of me died. his tears fell as he hugged mommy and turned to me. i know we'd definitely see each other again but i've never seen him cry before. NEVER.

sigh.

on the car ride home, mommy was in the back seat with me and kt. she was still sad and sniffing away. then... Barry Manilow's "Can't smile without you" came on the radio. what luck. i sighed inwardly.

and the amazing younger sister in the front seat turned the volume up.

SERIOUS??? serious. *bigger sigh*

i turned to the brother in horror and whispered, "did she just make it louder?"

he nodded sadly. we discreetly face palmed in the back seat. about 5 painful seconds later, she changed the radio station. and it was pretty obvious to us that her bf had hinted to her to change the station. my dear adorable unassuming sister. she's really quite blur. bleah.

oh wells. so the uncle flies on Thursday. just means i have one more country to pay a visit to now. yay?

Finally back in SG. so damn hot. of all the places i've been too.. from Buffalo to Boston... Philly to Orlando.. i still love NYC the best. there's something in the air of NYC that just makes it so much more.. loveable. probably 'cos the weather was fantastic too. only thing i missed were the people back home.

Orlando was fun too, definitely, with the theme parks. the inane screaming on top of my lungs as the Hulk rollercoaster hurls me up into the air.. or as the Duelling Dragons lurch dangerously close in little Hogsmeade.. i know how much jiali would have wanted to be in Hogsmeade and Hogswart. all that shopping. all the girls would have loved it.

all that food.. the theme parks.. all the shopping. never has the phrase "wish you were here" meant so much to me. :(