finally getting back on my feet and checking out schools for classes. there's so much I want to do. I want to sweat it out while pounding the gravel or punching the sandbag. I want to complete a barista course. and right now, there's nothing more I want than to spin and slide across the dance floor once more.
at an age where my friends are settling down and having kids, I just want to run away from the usual route that people walk. there's so much to learn. so much to see. so much still for me to do. skydiving in Switzerland. be more proficient in Spanish and Korean. pick up lyrical jazz. swing around in aerial yoga. perfect the spinning technique finally. be a certified barista. kiss a stranger in a club.. ok, scratch the last one. been there, done that, never again.
but there's so much I feel I need to do. I asked a friend earlier what it meant to be a 30-yo. How is a 30-yo supposed to act? go on dates and find that one to settle down? wear more serious clothes? do an eat-pray-love thing in Bali? visit all the avant garde hipster watering holes. hunt down industrial coffee joints?
I still want to go out and shop and watch movies alone. I want to wear my T-shirts and jeans/skirts. I want to lose my way in Korea and scour the night markets in Taiwan to eat, shop, and laugh. I want to enjoy 1-for-1 drinks at Wine Bar or have pancakes with beer at Overeasy. ok, I would totally hunt down coffee joints anywhere and everywhere. I mean, come on, it's coffee.
and at the end of the day, I want to dance. to remember what it means to lose all inhibitions and express myself through music and movement.
been listening to Gaga again, or at least her old songs. not a fan of her newer stuff but her older songs from Born This Way and earlier have always had an almost permanent place in my hearts. I love her beats and the occasional lyrics that make me pause to smile. stupid lines like "I live to be model thin" or "I'm gonna lace up my boots, throw on some leather and cruise down the the street that I love, in my fishnet gloves, I'm a sinner."
and she makes me want to dance all over again.
)
"some girls won't dance to the beat of the track." this one happens to be one of them. please, foot, please heal faster. please.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Thursday, March 06, 2014
Monday, March 03, 2014
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Been listening to my older CDs lately when I hit my Japanese songs. a familiar soothing voice started to take over my playlist and I remembered why I loved all the vocal training that I used to go through as a kid. all the voice projection and enunciation and how my choir teacher used to tell me that the voice is an incredible instrument for me to manipulate.. where I could choose to sing the way I spoke, or be operatically vocal... or even lend a Southern drawl to it.. all depending on the songs that we were singing.
simply because we were practising for a musical which was different from our usual performances.
when I was listening to my favorite Japanese male vocal, her words came back to me. Ken Hirai speaks so differently from the way he sings and it's simply beautiful.
strangely (or maybe not strangely) enough, I don't miss vocal training. I remember those days fondly but I'll never put myself through all that again.
dance has that same effect. different styles of dance command different expressions of engaging the audience. waltz... hip hop... latin... been there, done it.. and they are all different. how i'm reminded to smile, seduce, or smirk depending on the style.
and I miss dance. oh goodness, I miss dance so much.
let's hope the check-up on 5 March will be the final one and I can return to the studio or gym to go back and wage war on the dance floor and sandbag again. *fingers crossed*
simply because we were practising for a musical which was different from our usual performances.
when I was listening to my favorite Japanese male vocal, her words came back to me. Ken Hirai speaks so differently from the way he sings and it's simply beautiful.
strangely (or maybe not strangely) enough, I don't miss vocal training. I remember those days fondly but I'll never put myself through all that again.
dance has that same effect. different styles of dance command different expressions of engaging the audience. waltz... hip hop... latin... been there, done it.. and they are all different. how i'm reminded to smile, seduce, or smirk depending on the style.
and I miss dance. oh goodness, I miss dance so much.
let's hope the check-up on 5 March will be the final one and I can return to the studio or gym to go back and wage war on the dance floor and sandbag again. *fingers crossed*
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Friday, February 14, 2014
Monday, February 10, 2014
After yet another visit to the granny's at the hospital, the mother and I were heading home as usual.
We were talking and laughing about random things like the family in the car when she suddenly said, "You have a very high threshold for pain."
It was just as random as the other things we were talking about but I didn't know how to continue. She continued on about how I never like to tell people when I am hurting or in pain. that I keep it all to myself. I insisted that I would tell them if I were in pain and I knew they could help it. if not, it didn't make sense to mention that I'm in pain anyway.
then she went to to say that even if people weren't in the position to take away the pain, I should tell them that I'm hurting.
"Because that way, we can at least be there with you."
at that point, I kinda figured she was talking about more than just physical pain. there was just a certain tone in her voice that make me look out of the window and not look at her for a brief second. it was like memories of a childhood that I never bothered to suppress but also never bothered sharing with any of my family. I cleared my throat.
"That's not true. I used to roll around on the sofa and complain about period pains."
"Do they still hurt as much?"
"Not anymore. Things do get better with time."
This time, my mother slipped into silence. We sat there for a few seconds not saying anything until I started laughing about my sisters and the funny things that happened in the last week between us. It was almost as though we never had the earlier conversation.
honestly, I don't really need to tell anyone if they can't help me. that's just the way it's been. I do rant about minor superficial stuff but there are things that are better left unspoken and resolved by myself. still, I guess knowing that my mom is somehow aware of all this happening makes me a little glad. I can only pray that she'll also be glad that her little girl has grown up to be a lot stronger.
We were talking and laughing about random things like the family in the car when she suddenly said, "You have a very high threshold for pain."
It was just as random as the other things we were talking about but I didn't know how to continue. She continued on about how I never like to tell people when I am hurting or in pain. that I keep it all to myself. I insisted that I would tell them if I were in pain and I knew they could help it. if not, it didn't make sense to mention that I'm in pain anyway.
then she went to to say that even if people weren't in the position to take away the pain, I should tell them that I'm hurting.
"Because that way, we can at least be there with you."
at that point, I kinda figured she was talking about more than just physical pain. there was just a certain tone in her voice that make me look out of the window and not look at her for a brief second. it was like memories of a childhood that I never bothered to suppress but also never bothered sharing with any of my family. I cleared my throat.
"That's not true. I used to roll around on the sofa and complain about period pains."
"Do they still hurt as much?"
"Not anymore. Things do get better with time."
This time, my mother slipped into silence. We sat there for a few seconds not saying anything until I started laughing about my sisters and the funny things that happened in the last week between us. It was almost as though we never had the earlier conversation.
honestly, I don't really need to tell anyone if they can't help me. that's just the way it's been. I do rant about minor superficial stuff but there are things that are better left unspoken and resolved by myself. still, I guess knowing that my mom is somehow aware of all this happening makes me a little glad. I can only pray that she'll also be glad that her little girl has grown up to be a lot stronger.
Monday, February 03, 2014
Sunday, February 02, 2014
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Monday, January 27, 2014
When I was in JC, I had an eccentric Physics tutor. She was also my lecturer which led to little embarrassing moments for us during lecture. The one I remembered the most was when she launched into a inspiration talk on life in the middle of a lecture. I'll never forget the content of her words.
"If you think your life is sad, go and walk through a hospital. Sit under a tree and think about life. You'll realize how fortunate you are."
That day in the lecture after she had said those words, she continued with, "Right, SA5? I always tell you guys that, do you remember?"
All of us immediately slid down our chairs, as if willing the ground to suck us in as we moved down lower and lower in our chairs.
Today, her words rang true.
My granny took a fall and was sent to the A&E. I rushed over during lunch to spend it with her. We were waiting for the CT scan as well as for a bed (massive bed crunch problem in all hospitals) so when I was with her, I was standing by her trolley bed in the A&E ward. At one point, a bed was pushed near my granny. The lady on the bed had a hole in her throat and even that did little to help her pain. She was wheezing and choking at intervals, her face scrunched up in pain even with her eyes closed.
I kept talking to my granny to distract her, moving her face slightly in pretense so that I could cover her ears. My eyes unknowingly wandered around the large ward.
There were so many beds. So many sad looking people with pain and hurt evident on their faces, eyes closed to will the pain away. All the while, my granny asked me why her anaesthesia wasn't working as well as it used to.
I knew it was a bone problem. Of course the pain would be unbearable.
I let my granny hold onto my hand tightly as I coaxed her to just pay attention to my voice and to just keep breathing to take her mind off the pain. I asked her random questions, trying to draw her attention away from everything else but me.
But even then, I couldn't help letting my attention drift to the rest in the room.
Many of the people, majority elderly folks, were alone. They had no one to take the pain away from them. They had no one to hold their hands or for them to hold onto. They were alone, hurting in their beds.
I had to close my eyes for a second in the ward, willing myself not to cry because I didn't want my granny to see me cry. The nurses in the ward were all busy and running around. I couldn't even find it in myself to ask them for another shot of mild anaesthesia because at least my granny had me. I felt like the nurses needed to tend to the others. I don't think I've ever felt so conflicted in a hospital setting, wanting the best for my granny but also wishing that a little more attention would be shown to those alone.
When I left my granny, I had to go to the toilet for a while to compose myself. Too many thoughts, too many voices. Ranging from "how could their kids leave them like this" to "if I don't ever marry and grow old alone, is that my fate as well".
The fear is real but at the same time, it felt so insignificant as compared to those already in the situation. I felt so drained just by being the room. I've never been good with coping in such situations. I don't know.
I feel so lost. so helpless. so unable to step up and help these people. and all I can do is pray. pray that they are heard. pray that I can make sense of this incredibly cruel world that's filled with pain. that when all things seem bleak and hopeless, I keep remembering who He is and that I'll never fully understand how the world works. still, it doesn't stop me from asking Him why these things happen, why people hurt. I know the theology behind all of it but I'm still asking why as I feel my breath being physically taken away from me while my chest literally aches for these people.
May I never stop asking why and may I never stop feeling for these people. May I keep questioning while I keep trusting. I don't know how it's all going to work out but for now, I'll just have to keep praying, no matter how helpless and hopeless it seems. I've just got to keep trusting Him even in times it feels silly to. He's got a plan. I don't understand and I don't always agree with it but He's got a plan.
If He can fulfil His promise of sending His Son to die in our place, the righteousness for the unrighteous... if He can raise His Son from the dead to overcome death... even if He waited for a really long time and watched His people flounder in life and fail each time and are persecuted or violated... He's been faithful. He's kept the promises that He made to His people since before the time of the reign of Ramses in Egypt.
What more the promises that He has made to us?
~*~
Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” - Rev 21:1-4
~*~
He has been faithful and He will continue to be faithful, whether I understand His plan or not. He is faithful. Help me to continue to trust and to respond to everything that hurts with the right kind of love.
"If you think your life is sad, go and walk through a hospital. Sit under a tree and think about life. You'll realize how fortunate you are."
That day in the lecture after she had said those words, she continued with, "Right, SA5? I always tell you guys that, do you remember?"
All of us immediately slid down our chairs, as if willing the ground to suck us in as we moved down lower and lower in our chairs.
Today, her words rang true.
My granny took a fall and was sent to the A&E. I rushed over during lunch to spend it with her. We were waiting for the CT scan as well as for a bed (massive bed crunch problem in all hospitals) so when I was with her, I was standing by her trolley bed in the A&E ward. At one point, a bed was pushed near my granny. The lady on the bed had a hole in her throat and even that did little to help her pain. She was wheezing and choking at intervals, her face scrunched up in pain even with her eyes closed.
I kept talking to my granny to distract her, moving her face slightly in pretense so that I could cover her ears. My eyes unknowingly wandered around the large ward.
There were so many beds. So many sad looking people with pain and hurt evident on their faces, eyes closed to will the pain away. All the while, my granny asked me why her anaesthesia wasn't working as well as it used to.
I knew it was a bone problem. Of course the pain would be unbearable.
I let my granny hold onto my hand tightly as I coaxed her to just pay attention to my voice and to just keep breathing to take her mind off the pain. I asked her random questions, trying to draw her attention away from everything else but me.
But even then, I couldn't help letting my attention drift to the rest in the room.
Many of the people, majority elderly folks, were alone. They had no one to take the pain away from them. They had no one to hold their hands or for them to hold onto. They were alone, hurting in their beds.
I had to close my eyes for a second in the ward, willing myself not to cry because I didn't want my granny to see me cry. The nurses in the ward were all busy and running around. I couldn't even find it in myself to ask them for another shot of mild anaesthesia because at least my granny had me. I felt like the nurses needed to tend to the others. I don't think I've ever felt so conflicted in a hospital setting, wanting the best for my granny but also wishing that a little more attention would be shown to those alone.
When I left my granny, I had to go to the toilet for a while to compose myself. Too many thoughts, too many voices. Ranging from "how could their kids leave them like this" to "if I don't ever marry and grow old alone, is that my fate as well".
The fear is real but at the same time, it felt so insignificant as compared to those already in the situation. I felt so drained just by being the room. I've never been good with coping in such situations. I don't know.
I feel so lost. so helpless. so unable to step up and help these people. and all I can do is pray. pray that they are heard. pray that I can make sense of this incredibly cruel world that's filled with pain. that when all things seem bleak and hopeless, I keep remembering who He is and that I'll never fully understand how the world works. still, it doesn't stop me from asking Him why these things happen, why people hurt. I know the theology behind all of it but I'm still asking why as I feel my breath being physically taken away from me while my chest literally aches for these people.
May I never stop asking why and may I never stop feeling for these people. May I keep questioning while I keep trusting. I don't know how it's all going to work out but for now, I'll just have to keep praying, no matter how helpless and hopeless it seems. I've just got to keep trusting Him even in times it feels silly to. He's got a plan. I don't understand and I don't always agree with it but He's got a plan.
If He can fulfil His promise of sending His Son to die in our place, the righteousness for the unrighteous... if He can raise His Son from the dead to overcome death... even if He waited for a really long time and watched His people flounder in life and fail each time and are persecuted or violated... He's been faithful. He's kept the promises that He made to His people since before the time of the reign of Ramses in Egypt.
What more the promises that He has made to us?
~*~
Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” - Rev 21:1-4
~*~
He has been faithful and He will continue to be faithful, whether I understand His plan or not. He is faithful. Help me to continue to trust and to respond to everything that hurts with the right kind of love.
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