When I was in JC, I had an eccentric Physics tutor. She was also my lecturer which led to little embarrassing moments for us during lecture. The one I remembered the most was when she launched into a inspiration talk on life in the middle of a lecture. I'll never forget the content of her words.

"If you think your life is sad, go and walk through a hospital. Sit under a tree and think about life. You'll realize how fortunate you are."

That day in the lecture after she had said those words, she continued with, "Right, SA5? I always tell you guys that, do you remember?"

All of us immediately slid down our chairs, as if willing the ground to suck us in as we moved down lower and lower in our chairs.

Today, her words rang true.

My granny took a fall and was sent to the A&E. I rushed over during lunch to spend it with her. We were waiting for the CT scan as well as for a bed (massive bed crunch problem in all hospitals) so when I was with her, I was standing by her trolley bed in the A&E ward. At one point, a bed was pushed near my granny. The lady on the bed had a hole in her throat and even that did little to help her pain. She was wheezing and choking at intervals, her face scrunched up in pain even with her eyes closed.

I kept talking to my granny to distract her, moving her face slightly in pretense so that I could cover her ears. My eyes unknowingly wandered around the large ward.

There were so many beds. So many sad looking people with pain and hurt evident on their faces, eyes closed to will the pain away. All the while, my granny asked me why her anaesthesia wasn't working as well as it used to.

I knew it was a bone problem. Of course the pain would be unbearable.

I let my granny hold onto my hand tightly as I coaxed her to just pay attention to my voice and to just keep breathing to take her mind off the pain. I asked her random questions, trying to draw her attention away from everything else but me.

But even then, I couldn't help letting my attention drift to the rest in the room.

Many of the people, majority elderly folks, were alone. They had no one to take the pain away from them. They had no one to hold their hands or for them to hold onto. They were alone, hurting in their beds.

I had to close my eyes for a second in the ward, willing myself not to cry because I didn't want my granny to see me cry. The nurses in the ward were all busy and running around. I couldn't even find it in myself to ask them for another shot of mild anaesthesia because at least my granny had me. I felt like the nurses needed to tend to the others. I don't think I've ever felt so conflicted in a hospital setting, wanting the best for my granny but also wishing that a little more attention would be shown to those alone.

When I left my granny, I had to go to the toilet for a while to compose myself. Too many thoughts, too many voices. Ranging from "how could their kids leave them like this" to "if I don't ever marry and grow old alone, is that my fate as well".

The fear is real but at the same time, it felt so insignificant as compared to those already in the situation. I felt so drained just by being the room. I've never been good with coping in such situations. I don't know.

I feel so lost. so helpless. so unable to step up and help these people. and all I can do is pray. pray that they are heard. pray that I can make sense of this incredibly cruel world that's filled with pain. that when all things seem bleak and hopeless, I keep remembering who He is and that I'll never fully understand how the world works. still, it doesn't stop me from asking Him why these things happen, why people hurt. I know the theology behind all of it but I'm still asking why as I feel my breath being physically taken away from me while my chest literally aches for these people.

May I never stop asking why and may I never stop feeling for these people. May I keep questioning while I keep trusting. I don't know how it's all going to work out but for now, I'll just have to keep praying, no matter how helpless and hopeless it seems. I've just got to keep trusting Him even in times it feels silly to. He's got a plan. I don't understand and I don't always agree with it but He's got a plan.

If He can fulfil His promise of sending His Son to die in our place, the righteousness for the unrighteous... if He can raise His Son from the dead to overcome death... even if He waited for a really long time and watched His people flounder in life and fail each time and are persecuted or violated... He's been faithful. He's kept the promises that He made to His people since before the time of the reign of Ramses in Egypt.

What more the promises that He has made to us?

~*~
Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” - Rev 21:1-4
~*~

He has been faithful and He will continue to be faithful, whether I understand His plan or not. He is faithful. Help me to continue to trust and to respond to everything that hurts with the right kind of love.