when i was walking to mr lim's place for my massage, i hear the rain falling on the tin roof.
i never realized how much i missed it.
when i was younger, i shared a bedroom with my older sister. and we didn't have a "posh" roof unlike now. it was a plain tin roof that all old bungalows had back then. and whenever it rained at night, i would let the sound of the rain falling on the tin roof lure me into sleep. there was smth calming about the rhythmic monotony of the song of the rain.
it was never noise. it was the rain's lullaby to me. and we used to have old glass windows. the rain on the tin roof accompanied by the pelting of the rain on the glass panes. i never grew tired of it. even when i never stopped to appreciate it, the lullaby always did its job. of calming me. of singing me to sleep while the scent of the rain lingered around.
when i finally heard it again after 6 years, i just closed my eyes and took a deep breath. i smelt nothing but the scent of the rain. and i just thanked God for reminding me that even after soooo long...
there are some things that really don't disappoint you because they'll never change.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Sunday, September 03, 2006
i don't like it when my friends are under attacks by people they don't even know.
it just isn't smth that i wanna see my friends go thru... to see that depressed/angry/upset/hurt side when we're talking.. then to see them put up a happy front when facing the rest of the world. if i know that it's just people teasing them, i will even play along. but when they are really "under fire", i just can't take it lying down. perhaps it's just me that has this insatiable need to want to protect my friends.
you may say that i'm being biased 'cos these are my friends.. and that the world is entitled to have their opinions of anyone they wish. i don't disagree with that. but the world is not entitled to make another person feel smaller than he/she is when the world hasn't seen that side that makes that very same person someone special to me.
those people may just just take away that very essence of what makes that friend so special to me.. it could be the trust the person has in me to want to open up in ways that he/she never thought possible.. it could even just be the simple way the person always brightens up my day. and i don't want to lose that part of my dear friends..
third week of sch is only starting.. and i've had more than 2 such cases already.. where my friends open up to me. abt how tired they have been because of the struggles they have have with things that have been said to them or abt them. and i can't do anything but just sit and listen to them, while praying that my advice will help in some way. all i can do is hold them and assure them that everything will work out somehow. ok, in the case of my guy friends, all i can do is to assure them.. and i pray.. i just pray so hard that they don't fall. that if they do fall, i'll be there to catch them.
the situation is not as serious as it may seem. i just don't ever want my friends to have to go thru what i went thru in sec sch or even jc. i know what it's like to feel down and out and utterly consumed by depression. i know what it's like to be under fire for actions that make you uniquely yourself. i just want to protect them from taking that path of destruction that i took and veered off finally. just want to make sure that day will never come. which is why it's such a big and personal thing for me. that's why i'm just upset abt the passiveness of my actions 'cos i really can't think of ways to help them more.
but if my listening ear and reassuring hug is what i can give most to them, then my ears and arms are always open.
*****
In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday. Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older. And, there on television, she said it was "exciting." Regarding body changes, she said there were many, occurring every day...like her breasts. They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist, first. The audience laughed so hard they cried. She is such a simple and honest woman, with so much wisdom in her words!
Maya Angelou said this:"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow."
"I've learnt that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."
"I've learnt that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life."
"I've learnt that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a life'."
"I've learnt that life sometimes gives you a second chance."
"I've learnt that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back."
"I've learnt that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision." "I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one."
"I've learnt that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back."
"I've learnt that I still have a lot to learn."
"I've learnt that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
and i'm sitting here, wondering how many lives i've made a positive impact in. then i pause to think.. it's not the number of lives i've touched.. but it's how i'll never forget how my friends made me feel.
it just isn't smth that i wanna see my friends go thru... to see that depressed/angry/upset/hurt side when we're talking.. then to see them put up a happy front when facing the rest of the world. if i know that it's just people teasing them, i will even play along. but when they are really "under fire", i just can't take it lying down. perhaps it's just me that has this insatiable need to want to protect my friends.
you may say that i'm being biased 'cos these are my friends.. and that the world is entitled to have their opinions of anyone they wish. i don't disagree with that. but the world is not entitled to make another person feel smaller than he/she is when the world hasn't seen that side that makes that very same person someone special to me.
those people may just just take away that very essence of what makes that friend so special to me.. it could be the trust the person has in me to want to open up in ways that he/she never thought possible.. it could even just be the simple way the person always brightens up my day. and i don't want to lose that part of my dear friends..
third week of sch is only starting.. and i've had more than 2 such cases already.. where my friends open up to me. abt how tired they have been because of the struggles they have have with things that have been said to them or abt them. and i can't do anything but just sit and listen to them, while praying that my advice will help in some way. all i can do is hold them and assure them that everything will work out somehow. ok, in the case of my guy friends, all i can do is to assure them.. and i pray.. i just pray so hard that they don't fall. that if they do fall, i'll be there to catch them.
the situation is not as serious as it may seem. i just don't ever want my friends to have to go thru what i went thru in sec sch or even jc. i know what it's like to feel down and out and utterly consumed by depression. i know what it's like to be under fire for actions that make you uniquely yourself. i just want to protect them from taking that path of destruction that i took and veered off finally. just want to make sure that day will never come. which is why it's such a big and personal thing for me. that's why i'm just upset abt the passiveness of my actions 'cos i really can't think of ways to help them more.
but if my listening ear and reassuring hug is what i can give most to them, then my ears and arms are always open.
*****
In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday. Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older. And, there on television, she said it was "exciting." Regarding body changes, she said there were many, occurring every day...like her breasts. They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist, first. The audience laughed so hard they cried. She is such a simple and honest woman, with so much wisdom in her words!
Maya Angelou said this:"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow."
"I've learnt that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."
"I've learnt that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life."
"I've learnt that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a life'."
"I've learnt that life sometimes gives you a second chance."
"I've learnt that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back."
"I've learnt that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision." "I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one."
"I've learnt that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back."
"I've learnt that I still have a lot to learn."
"I've learnt that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
and i'm sitting here, wondering how many lives i've made a positive impact in. then i pause to think.. it's not the number of lives i've touched.. but it's how i'll never forget how my friends made me feel.
Friday, September 01, 2006
One can only wonder why i'm inexplicably drawn to musicals.. i'm that girl you see on the streets. i'm no one special to the world at large.
i club. i shop. i chill with gfs over coffee. i diet. i giggle. i cry at movies. just like any other girl that i know.
but once i step into that dimly lit hall, i find myself being transported to a new place if the performances blow me away. anyone watched Hugh Jackman do "One Night Only"? He's bloody brilliant. to quote "For Good" from the musical Wicked, "like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes the sun". i slip into a mode that i never find anywhere else. there's something about the singers that fascinate me with their voices. anyone remember watching Fame when it came to Singapore? when i heard Nick Piazza sing "I wanna make magic", i got the goosebumps.
so when i went to watch cabaret, i got my hands on Fei Xiang's album "Broadway Album". After watching cabaret, i was glad that i bought the CD. sure, his voice lacks michael buble's young-man-with-an-old-voice style. he's no jazz artist like Frank Sinatra which meant that he disappointed me on this take with "I get a kick out of you"..
but as a musical performer.. he blew me away. his voice can be gentle and soothing.. or brash and fun (Remember "Two Ladies"?).. people act with actions or their words. Fei xiang acts with his lush velvety voice that makes me smile when he sings "Some Enchanted Evening" from South Pacific.
Some enchanted evening
When you find your true love,
When you feel her call you
Across a crowded room,
Then fly to her side,
And make her your own
For all through your life you
May dream all alone.
- Some Enchanted Evening "South Pacific"
His rendition of "One night only" was much much better than Hugh Jackman. don't get me wrong, i think Jackman is a fantastic singer. but it's different from Feixiang's that holds some age to it, making his voice clearly distinct to him. when i came home and walked into the study, i heard one sentence from the song playing on the computer and i knew that it was him.
I meant to write about musicals but i wounded up writing about Fei xiang.. ahaha. oh well. at least i have him accompanying me as i work on my tax assignment. sighz~
without you
the hand grips
the ear hears
the pulse beats
without you
the eyes gaze
the legs walk
the lungs breathes
the mind turns
the heart yearns
the tears dry without you
life goes on
but i'm gone
'cos i die without you
- Without You "Rent"
i club. i shop. i chill with gfs over coffee. i diet. i giggle. i cry at movies. just like any other girl that i know.
but once i step into that dimly lit hall, i find myself being transported to a new place if the performances blow me away. anyone watched Hugh Jackman do "One Night Only"? He's bloody brilliant. to quote "For Good" from the musical Wicked, "like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes the sun". i slip into a mode that i never find anywhere else. there's something about the singers that fascinate me with their voices. anyone remember watching Fame when it came to Singapore? when i heard Nick Piazza sing "I wanna make magic", i got the goosebumps.
so when i went to watch cabaret, i got my hands on Fei Xiang's album "Broadway Album". After watching cabaret, i was glad that i bought the CD. sure, his voice lacks michael buble's young-man-with-an-old-voice style. he's no jazz artist like Frank Sinatra which meant that he disappointed me on this take with "I get a kick out of you"..
but as a musical performer.. he blew me away. his voice can be gentle and soothing.. or brash and fun (Remember "Two Ladies"?).. people act with actions or their words. Fei xiang acts with his lush velvety voice that makes me smile when he sings "Some Enchanted Evening" from South Pacific.
Some enchanted evening
When you find your true love,
When you feel her call you
Across a crowded room,
Then fly to her side,
And make her your own
For all through your life you
May dream all alone.
- Some Enchanted Evening "South Pacific"
His rendition of "One night only" was much much better than Hugh Jackman. don't get me wrong, i think Jackman is a fantastic singer. but it's different from Feixiang's that holds some age to it, making his voice clearly distinct to him. when i came home and walked into the study, i heard one sentence from the song playing on the computer and i knew that it was him.
I meant to write about musicals but i wounded up writing about Fei xiang.. ahaha. oh well. at least i have him accompanying me as i work on my tax assignment. sighz~
without you
the hand grips
the ear hears
the pulse beats
without you
the eyes gaze
the legs walk
the lungs breathes
the mind turns
the heart yearns
the tears dry without you
life goes on
but i'm gone
'cos i die without you
- Without You "Rent"
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Notice: to all gym users
just because we're behind the counter..
just because you're in front..
just because you're bigger than us in stature..
you still have no right to be condescending to the gym staff, male or female.
you will abide by the gym regulations just as every other student does. if the profs can abide by the regulations and still be nice to us, you, a student just like us, do not have any reason to be mean to us. we don't need your sarcasm. and if you're a "frequent gym user", don't tell us that you always forget your towel. don't make things difficult for us, dammit.
we are diplomatic in how we handle ourselves. we tell you the rules as it is. very simple.
- bring your towel. it's basic courtesy. don't care if you're just using the treadmill or free wgts. bring the towel. not hanky. not a face towel. at least of hand towel lgt.
- don't shout or be a hindrance to others in the gym. basic courtesy
- don't machine-hog
- proper attire please
- USE THE LOCKER THAT WE ASSIGN TO YOU, YOU INCORRIGIBLE BRATS!!
to put it in the words of aristotle, "do not do unto others what you do not want others to do unto you." anytime you need our help, we'll do our best to serve you. ask any of the regulars. we chat with them. we laugh and we joke. we are nice people who will not bite. we are after all fellow students. nothing justifies you to turn nasty and make it hard for us to do our job.
but if you mess with the gym staff, trust me, i will get canjie to sit on you. joking.
i will get canjie to break every bone in your body. not joking.
you can mess with me.. i'll handle you my way. i will not hesitate to destroy every strand of whatever that makes you a man. but i won't. i won't be nasty but you might just regret it. but if anyone of you pricks think that you can bully the other female gym staff, trust me, you're not gonna be let off easily. i don't want to do this but i will protect my girls, you bleeping MCPs.
even if you bring your entire community down to challenge us, you will have to take on the gym guys and our male dragonboaters and/or any of my rugger friends who will be in the gym at that time.
i dare you.
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Vivace was a blast as usual. the cf booth did good. bobbs and edmund were really nice too! another event. another set of memories..
old familiar faces stopping by to chat at the booth
smiles from really old friends (sami! jin rui! welcome to SMU!)
usual ones who've been there for me
walking up and down and singing ourselves tired
that gentle affirmation of new friendships forged by the freshmen i've gotten to know
literally jiving to SMUBE that was next to our booth with fellow CFers.
As i watched gwen in a flurry from the beginning up to the point of the end of vivace, i'm just reminded of last year's. and the previous year's even when it was victor and me helming the deck. guess i just really needed a break from planning and organizing. foc 2006 is likely to be my biggest project for the academic year 2006-2007. perhaps my last from heading the organizing team as well. so that means fun day for this year is not my "dai ji" anymore.
time to let go little by little each day. or when graduation day comes for me, i may not want to release the strings that i've held on for so long to. but i kinda believe it's time for me to take a backseat where i guide and advise instead of organizing. shldn't be so daft and pretend that i'm superwoman anymore. i'm not. i'm merely part of the body. and i'm grateful for that.
To all who took pictures with me today, send to me!! thanks!
for more on SMUCF "Christmas in August", refer to http://wishing-you-were-here.blogspot.com/
old familiar faces stopping by to chat at the booth
smiles from really old friends (sami! jin rui! welcome to SMU!)
usual ones who've been there for me
walking up and down and singing ourselves tired
that gentle affirmation of new friendships forged by the freshmen i've gotten to know
literally jiving to SMUBE that was next to our booth with fellow CFers.
As i watched gwen in a flurry from the beginning up to the point of the end of vivace, i'm just reminded of last year's. and the previous year's even when it was victor and me helming the deck. guess i just really needed a break from planning and organizing. foc 2006 is likely to be my biggest project for the academic year 2006-2007. perhaps my last from heading the organizing team as well. so that means fun day for this year is not my "dai ji" anymore.
time to let go little by little each day. or when graduation day comes for me, i may not want to release the strings that i've held on for so long to. but i kinda believe it's time for me to take a backseat where i guide and advise instead of organizing. shldn't be so daft and pretend that i'm superwoman anymore. i'm not. i'm merely part of the body. and i'm grateful for that.
To all who took pictures with me today, send to me!! thanks!
for more on SMUCF "Christmas in August", refer to http://wishing-you-were-here.blogspot.com/
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
CHRISTMAS IN AUGUST!
i lurve my darlings for this fantastic idea. we are going caroling. singing carols. for real. we'll be "serenading" the school this friday.
to celebrate Christmas.
in August.
Come and join us at our stationary booth opposite booklink! alternatively, let us search you out and serenade you.
to celebrate Christmas.
in August.
Come and join us at our stationary booth opposite booklink! alternatively, let us search you out and serenade you.
Monday, August 21, 2006
Saturday, August 19, 2006
ok.. haven't updated since i got back.. but during my trip, i got to know new people. they take up a tiny part of this chapter but nevertheless, their footprints have been made.
there's jie jie or AK, a nice malaysian lady. spent bulk of my time in the guesthouse chatting with her. then there's en hwa, a korean uni student. very sweet and reminds me of yong 'cos she's crazy abt mike he and ethan zhang too. and two guys. one is from nanhua and has been helping me with my itinerary and directions as well. the other is from kaoshiung. he's a hair stylist with a perpetual smell of ciggie smoke on him. and he's really quite pleasant to talk to.
back in singapore now.. happy and sad..
naturally happy 'cos i'm home where my family and friends are. wondering if the family wants to go back to kaoshiung and visit taitung and pingtung at the same time.. if not, likely to end up going to china. just want somewhere cold.
however, as bored as i was of taipei, i still kinda liked walking shilin and ximending.. if anything, i miss the few other night markets around taiwan like feng jia and liuhe.. and the convenience stores... gosh.. the range of drinks is amazing. they have tea eggs there too! did i mention that i found my "amsterdam" waffles there too? i went ballistic in the supermarket over the range of drinks again. and the amount of affordable and wide range of products in watsons there..
and i miss walking the backstreets of taipei, not really knowing what i'm gonna get at the end. and all that despite the fact that i'm muttering to myself, silently hoping that the motorists going past me will catch it..
"don't kill me, please. don't kill me"
the "feng kuang" belt shopping and 5 pairs of earrings... and i realize that i spoil my younger sister. a bit too much, i think. for the photos, go here:
http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/nookweis/my_photos (under Taipei album, not Taiwan)
didn't really buy clothes for the new term. yet. feel like shopping so badly. and i wanna get a new bag too. wondering if i want a new phone.. eyeing this one.. the sony ericsson K800i.
quadband. whoot! i have no idea what it means but it sounds cool! ahahah.. the main attraction of the phone is the 240x320 screen.. 3.2 mp camera.. music and video player.. it's 115 g.. not too bad lah. plus it's a sleek black. i like. i no money too. i wanna either be a very spoilt child or a very spoilt gf now..
*****
just some random thoughts on the bus home today from jingting's place.. it's funny how some routine things can seem so trivial to some but intense to others. i'm not gonna let guilt and regret gnaw at me anymore. i'll take that chance on me. things will have their way in God's plan.
and oh, i really want to take up that extra musical instrument. narrowed down to violin and guitar. 'cos i dun think the folks at home are gonna take too kindly to me banging away on the drums and it's gonna take up space. i can't put it in the attic. the sounds will echo down.. ahahaha. initially thought the flute wld be ideal.. but the more i think abt it, the less i want to learn it.
violin or guitar.. i need to save up..
(updated the "hope-to-do-before-i-die" list at the side..)
there's jie jie or AK, a nice malaysian lady. spent bulk of my time in the guesthouse chatting with her. then there's en hwa, a korean uni student. very sweet and reminds me of yong 'cos she's crazy abt mike he and ethan zhang too. and two guys. one is from nanhua and has been helping me with my itinerary and directions as well. the other is from kaoshiung. he's a hair stylist with a perpetual smell of ciggie smoke on him. and he's really quite pleasant to talk to.
back in singapore now.. happy and sad..
naturally happy 'cos i'm home where my family and friends are. wondering if the family wants to go back to kaoshiung and visit taitung and pingtung at the same time.. if not, likely to end up going to china. just want somewhere cold.
however, as bored as i was of taipei, i still kinda liked walking shilin and ximending.. if anything, i miss the few other night markets around taiwan like feng jia and liuhe.. and the convenience stores... gosh.. the range of drinks is amazing. they have tea eggs there too! did i mention that i found my "amsterdam" waffles there too? i went ballistic in the supermarket over the range of drinks again. and the amount of affordable and wide range of products in watsons there..
and i miss walking the backstreets of taipei, not really knowing what i'm gonna get at the end. and all that despite the fact that i'm muttering to myself, silently hoping that the motorists going past me will catch it..
"don't kill me, please. don't kill me"
the "feng kuang" belt shopping and 5 pairs of earrings... and i realize that i spoil my younger sister. a bit too much, i think. for the photos, go here:
http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/nookweis/my_photos (under Taipei album, not Taiwan)
didn't really buy clothes for the new term. yet. feel like shopping so badly. and i wanna get a new bag too. wondering if i want a new phone.. eyeing this one.. the sony ericsson K800i.
quadband. whoot! i have no idea what it means but it sounds cool! ahahah.. the main attraction of the phone is the 240x320 screen.. 3.2 mp camera.. music and video player.. it's 115 g.. not too bad lah. plus it's a sleek black. i like. i no money too. i wanna either be a very spoilt child or a very spoilt gf now..
*****
just some random thoughts on the bus home today from jingting's place.. it's funny how some routine things can seem so trivial to some but intense to others. i'm not gonna let guilt and regret gnaw at me anymore. i'll take that chance on me. things will have their way in God's plan.
and oh, i really want to take up that extra musical instrument. narrowed down to violin and guitar. 'cos i dun think the folks at home are gonna take too kindly to me banging away on the drums and it's gonna take up space. i can't put it in the attic. the sounds will echo down.. ahahaha. initially thought the flute wld be ideal.. but the more i think abt it, the less i want to learn it.
violin or guitar.. i need to save up..
(updated the "hope-to-do-before-i-die" list at the side..)
Monday, August 14, 2006
long post ahead!!!
****
everyone's got their own personal vendatta. that demon they want to fight. the skeletons that they need to clean out. ti's just whether they want to admit it, whether they want to acknowledge its existence or not.
*****
1825 12 Aug
Day 1 in taipei. i'm greeted by sights vaguely familiar from memories of the recent december. the sky is a lovely palette of blue, lavender and mild orange from the setting sun. what i wouldn't give to be at danshui right now! i'll have to content with factories against the green backdrop of woodlands. the bus is ambering towards the main station right now and i've sent 3 smses already.
this is no ordinary overseas trip for me. for the first time, i'll be travelling alone. not on a fancy whim though part of me wishes it was so. i've left too many friendly faces behind. for a simple reason: to go to war with myself.
i wanted to fight this battle with myself. to wage war against the me who cannot protect me. i know. i relied on God for all things. i've prayed for this opportunity to trash things out for myself. to finally be able to work with God to protct me. then i can cross off the one line from my "bf-criteria":
- to protect me from me
that's why i have to do this alone. just me and God.
now that i'm in taiwan, i can tell you guys this. pray for me. not just to win this battle. but also that whatever the outcome on the 17th, i'll be satisfied. pray that i'll remain rooted in him. and my safety.
and oh josh, abt ibiza? perhaps it'll be nicer to go with a bunch.. heez
12 Aug 1847
*****
13 aug 2119
there's been an erosion of self confidence. no wait. erosion of self-pride. i'm no longer too proud to admit to the world that i need help.
it may seem ironic that i had to leave singapore to find that out. on contrary, by leaving singapore, i'm forced to seek help from people whom i dun know. people who might not help. it's taking that chance that ppl might not want to do anything abt my state..
a whole day of walking.. i'm tired.
13 aug 2130
*****
14 aug 1252
woke up at 1130. i love dark rooms. no sunlight to wake one up. actually, the sun doesn't have much effect on me unless it's too hot.. heez.
it's 33 out there. lower than the crazy 37 at abt this time oyday. me? in the comforts of a air-conditioned bus headed to yangmingshan (YMS). so it's a cheap tour of the cuty with 98 degrees sining "invisible man" to me on my mp3 player.
seized by a bout of loneliness yday. but unlike the usual berating of myself, i accepted it. perhaps my situation where smses and phone calls are much more expensive helped me. i've accepted that loneliness is a reminder that us humans need people. we crave the need to want and feel wanted. we crave relationships. we were afterall, created as relational beings.
i used to berate myself for feeling upset abt feeling lonely. 'm never really lonely 'cos of God, right? so i'd scold myself for getting upset. but i've learnt... thru loneliness, we are reminded of the horizontal aspect.. of the need to relate to other humans. there's no need to be ashamed of it. instead, see that emotion as God's reminder to us of that horizontal relational aspect.
14 aug 1308
*****
14 aug 1834
a seemingly magical end to the day
i took a mini hike around YMS park before heading to a hot spring bath. had the luxury of soaking alone at 100 NT. that was for the better part of the day.
later went to danshui. bought the local snacks for ppl at home before taking a bus to Fisherman's wharf. i was hoping that the sun would move slower and the bus faster.. by the time i got there, the sun will still up.. but hidden behind the cloud. so i was left with watching the setting of the outline of the sun to the strands of jay chou's "an jing" from a nearby cafe. now i'm on a ferry back to danshui station. the dusk is gorgeous but can't get a decent picture. heez.. dun u wish you were here?
14 aug 1845
****
everyone's got their own personal vendatta. that demon they want to fight. the skeletons that they need to clean out. ti's just whether they want to admit it, whether they want to acknowledge its existence or not.
*****
1825 12 Aug
Day 1 in taipei. i'm greeted by sights vaguely familiar from memories of the recent december. the sky is a lovely palette of blue, lavender and mild orange from the setting sun. what i wouldn't give to be at danshui right now! i'll have to content with factories against the green backdrop of woodlands. the bus is ambering towards the main station right now and i've sent 3 smses already.
this is no ordinary overseas trip for me. for the first time, i'll be travelling alone. not on a fancy whim though part of me wishes it was so. i've left too many friendly faces behind. for a simple reason: to go to war with myself.
i wanted to fight this battle with myself. to wage war against the me who cannot protect me. i know. i relied on God for all things. i've prayed for this opportunity to trash things out for myself. to finally be able to work with God to protct me. then i can cross off the one line from my "bf-criteria":
- to protect me from me
that's why i have to do this alone. just me and God.
now that i'm in taiwan, i can tell you guys this. pray for me. not just to win this battle. but also that whatever the outcome on the 17th, i'll be satisfied. pray that i'll remain rooted in him. and my safety.
and oh josh, abt ibiza? perhaps it'll be nicer to go with a bunch.. heez
12 Aug 1847
*****
13 aug 2119
there's been an erosion of self confidence. no wait. erosion of self-pride. i'm no longer too proud to admit to the world that i need help.
it may seem ironic that i had to leave singapore to find that out. on contrary, by leaving singapore, i'm forced to seek help from people whom i dun know. people who might not help. it's taking that chance that ppl might not want to do anything abt my state..
a whole day of walking.. i'm tired.
13 aug 2130
*****
14 aug 1252
woke up at 1130. i love dark rooms. no sunlight to wake one up. actually, the sun doesn't have much effect on me unless it's too hot.. heez.
it's 33 out there. lower than the crazy 37 at abt this time oyday. me? in the comforts of a air-conditioned bus headed to yangmingshan (YMS). so it's a cheap tour of the cuty with 98 degrees sining "invisible man" to me on my mp3 player.
seized by a bout of loneliness yday. but unlike the usual berating of myself, i accepted it. perhaps my situation where smses and phone calls are much more expensive helped me. i've accepted that loneliness is a reminder that us humans need people. we crave the need to want and feel wanted. we crave relationships. we were afterall, created as relational beings.
i used to berate myself for feeling upset abt feeling lonely. 'm never really lonely 'cos of God, right? so i'd scold myself for getting upset. but i've learnt... thru loneliness, we are reminded of the horizontal aspect.. of the need to relate to other humans. there's no need to be ashamed of it. instead, see that emotion as God's reminder to us of that horizontal relational aspect.
14 aug 1308
*****
14 aug 1834
a seemingly magical end to the day
i took a mini hike around YMS park before heading to a hot spring bath. had the luxury of soaking alone at 100 NT. that was for the better part of the day.
later went to danshui. bought the local snacks for ppl at home before taking a bus to Fisherman's wharf. i was hoping that the sun would move slower and the bus faster.. by the time i got there, the sun will still up.. but hidden behind the cloud. so i was left with watching the setting of the outline of the sun to the strands of jay chou's "an jing" from a nearby cafe. now i'm on a ferry back to danshui station. the dusk is gorgeous but can't get a decent picture. heez.. dun u wish you were here?
14 aug 1845
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Saturday, August 12, 2006
a few more hours and i'll be on that plane to taipei..
i've made silly decisions and mistakes in my life... and i've always bore the consequences of those decisions i've made. but... this time round, i just don't what to think of it.
perhaps it's that part of me that tells me to go head-on into new life projects to try to get to know myself better. perhaps to improve myself and prove to the world that i'm made of tougher stuff. perhaps it's just that devil-may-care attitude of mine that takes each day as it comes. sure, i plan ahead. i just don't know what tomorrow will bring. so just in case i don't die, i still need some sort of order in my life.
perhaps it's just failure on my part to realize that i can upset others more than i ever thought possible. i want them not to worry... but they are still gonna worry. just like how they try to persuade me not to go alone... i'm still going alone.. i've made up my mind and just put in so much thought.
i've always wanted to travel alone. i just crave that little romance in my life where i can be alone in a different place where everything is unpredictable. do i want someone there with me? Yes and no. let's just say i haven't found that special someone to go to a country and do things on a whim with.
but i digress.. it's more than just the need to feel that my life is a little more exciting than it is. i've had a charmed life. i want to break out of it and test my limit. i need to know that i can trust myself because... of stuff that i don't feel like mentioning now.
and now, it seems like i want to know that people can trust me. i don't need them to love me. they can hate me for my decision. but i need them to trust me that i know what i'm doing. i have put in much thought into this. it's not something that struck me suddenly. i've prayed.. i've worked things out with Him. it's not just itchy feet on my part. i just don't want to wake up one day and wonder how different my life wld be. even if i know that the path i've walked is in His will. and i'm tired of conversations that go nowhere.
oh, i know of few that miss my writing. thank you so much for been such a great encouragement. so i found a little smth that i wrote in my first year in SMU? yupe.. abt there.. think after the first term. so read it if you dare. heez.
****
Complexity
i can be a bitch. i can be cold, sarcastic, tactless, bitter and harder and harsher than people would imagine. i can betray people without blinking and awake the next day fresh and cheery. yes, i can be that.
i can and will shun love from those willing to give it. i can break hearts, destroy dreams and vanquish hopes with my frozen snowflake of a heart. i can turn away without faltering, rejesting the warm embrace of love that wants nothing more than to melt that iciness. i can be selfish, cruel, heartless and remain unmoving, unwilling to succumb to the gentleness of puppy love.
but at the same time, i can hurt and be shattered, have my life torn apart by dilemmas. i can cry over an emotional loss, no matter how small it is. i can break down and hide away in dark corners, praying that life will be better. guilt can haunt me for long when i affest those i care about. i can be loyal and faithful to those i trust- warm and sensitive and even gentle. i can love those unwilling to be loved by me, those clearly out of my reach. the solid ice lodged in my chest can shatter and cut myself when i try to pick them up.
i can feel jaded, powerless, wanting nothing more than someone who will hold me tight when i cry myself to sleep, wiping the tears away with his kisses.
i can be selfish, cruel, heartless and remain unmoving, unwilling to succumb to the heart that wants to be melted.
Confused? Then why did you even start reading?
i've made silly decisions and mistakes in my life... and i've always bore the consequences of those decisions i've made. but... this time round, i just don't what to think of it.
perhaps it's that part of me that tells me to go head-on into new life projects to try to get to know myself better. perhaps to improve myself and prove to the world that i'm made of tougher stuff. perhaps it's just that devil-may-care attitude of mine that takes each day as it comes. sure, i plan ahead. i just don't know what tomorrow will bring. so just in case i don't die, i still need some sort of order in my life.
perhaps it's just failure on my part to realize that i can upset others more than i ever thought possible. i want them not to worry... but they are still gonna worry. just like how they try to persuade me not to go alone... i'm still going alone.. i've made up my mind and just put in so much thought.
i've always wanted to travel alone. i just crave that little romance in my life where i can be alone in a different place where everything is unpredictable. do i want someone there with me? Yes and no. let's just say i haven't found that special someone to go to a country and do things on a whim with.
but i digress.. it's more than just the need to feel that my life is a little more exciting than it is. i've had a charmed life. i want to break out of it and test my limit. i need to know that i can trust myself because... of stuff that i don't feel like mentioning now.
and now, it seems like i want to know that people can trust me. i don't need them to love me. they can hate me for my decision. but i need them to trust me that i know what i'm doing. i have put in much thought into this. it's not something that struck me suddenly. i've prayed.. i've worked things out with Him. it's not just itchy feet on my part. i just don't want to wake up one day and wonder how different my life wld be. even if i know that the path i've walked is in His will. and i'm tired of conversations that go nowhere.
oh, i know of few that miss my writing. thank you so much for been such a great encouragement. so i found a little smth that i wrote in my first year in SMU? yupe.. abt there.. think after the first term. so read it if you dare. heez.
****
Complexity
i can be a bitch. i can be cold, sarcastic, tactless, bitter and harder and harsher than people would imagine. i can betray people without blinking and awake the next day fresh and cheery. yes, i can be that.
i can and will shun love from those willing to give it. i can break hearts, destroy dreams and vanquish hopes with my frozen snowflake of a heart. i can turn away without faltering, rejesting the warm embrace of love that wants nothing more than to melt that iciness. i can be selfish, cruel, heartless and remain unmoving, unwilling to succumb to the gentleness of puppy love.
but at the same time, i can hurt and be shattered, have my life torn apart by dilemmas. i can cry over an emotional loss, no matter how small it is. i can break down and hide away in dark corners, praying that life will be better. guilt can haunt me for long when i affest those i care about. i can be loyal and faithful to those i trust- warm and sensitive and even gentle. i can love those unwilling to be loved by me, those clearly out of my reach. the solid ice lodged in my chest can shatter and cut myself when i try to pick them up.
i can feel jaded, powerless, wanting nothing more than someone who will hold me tight when i cry myself to sleep, wiping the tears away with his kisses.
i can be selfish, cruel, heartless and remain unmoving, unwilling to succumb to the heart that wants to be melted.
Confused? Then why did you even start reading?
Thursday, August 10, 2006
my last post was at 9.07 this morning.
time now is 5.20 in the afternoon.
and i'm utterly bored in a crowded gym. the usual faces down here though so it's kind of nice. throngs of familiar faces who somehow seem terribly chatty today. but it only occurs every.. 15 min? they come to the counter.. we chat a little.. they go off and work out or sign out and leave to eat... still.. got a headache..
got an anal customer who comes in and asks for the same locker all the time. i dun mind giving it to her.. but it wldn't kill to ask properly right? she'll tell me she wants a locker in the middle row... then she suggests 17. it's just her tone. and i'm not the only one who finds her seemingly.. annoying.. oh well.. the stuff we have to put up with. just grit our teeth and bear it.
time check. 5.41 pm. got sidelined when another bunch came over to the desk to chat. oh well. hopefully the rest of the day will be better.
time now is 5.20 in the afternoon.
and i'm utterly bored in a crowded gym. the usual faces down here though so it's kind of nice. throngs of familiar faces who somehow seem terribly chatty today. but it only occurs every.. 15 min? they come to the counter.. we chat a little.. they go off and work out or sign out and leave to eat... still.. got a headache..
got an anal customer who comes in and asks for the same locker all the time. i dun mind giving it to her.. but it wldn't kill to ask properly right? she'll tell me she wants a locker in the middle row... then she suggests 17. it's just her tone. and i'm not the only one who finds her seemingly.. annoying.. oh well.. the stuff we have to put up with. just grit our teeth and bear it.
time check. 5.41 pm. got sidelined when another bunch came over to the desk to chat. oh well. hopefully the rest of the day will be better.
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