a few more hours and i'll be on that plane to taipei..

i've made silly decisions and mistakes in my life... and i've always bore the consequences of those decisions i've made. but... this time round, i just don't what to think of it.

perhaps it's that part of me that tells me to go head-on into new life projects to try to get to know myself better. perhaps to improve myself and prove to the world that i'm made of tougher stuff. perhaps it's just that devil-may-care attitude of mine that takes each day as it comes. sure, i plan ahead. i just don't know what tomorrow will bring. so just in case i don't die, i still need some sort of order in my life.

perhaps it's just failure on my part to realize that i can upset others more than i ever thought possible. i want them not to worry... but they are still gonna worry. just like how they try to persuade me not to go alone... i'm still going alone.. i've made up my mind and just put in so much thought.

i've always wanted to travel alone. i just crave that little romance in my life where i can be alone in a different place where everything is unpredictable. do i want someone there with me? Yes and no. let's just say i haven't found that special someone to go to a country and do things on a whim with.

but i digress.. it's more than just the need to feel that my life is a little more exciting than it is. i've had a charmed life. i want to break out of it and test my limit. i need to know that i can trust myself because... of stuff that i don't feel like mentioning now.

and now, it seems like i want to know that people can trust me. i don't need them to love me. they can hate me for my decision. but i need them to trust me that i know what i'm doing. i have put in much thought into this. it's not something that struck me suddenly. i've prayed.. i've worked things out with Him. it's not just itchy feet on my part. i just don't want to wake up one day and wonder how different my life wld be. even if i know that the path i've walked is in His will. and i'm tired of conversations that go nowhere.

oh, i know of few that miss my writing. thank you so much for been such a great encouragement. so i found a little smth that i wrote in my first year in SMU? yupe.. abt there.. think after the first term. so read it if you dare. heez.

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Complexity

i can be a bitch. i can be cold, sarcastic, tactless, bitter and harder and harsher than people would imagine. i can betray people without blinking and awake the next day fresh and cheery. yes, i can be that.

i can and will shun love from those willing to give it. i can break hearts, destroy dreams and vanquish hopes with my frozen snowflake of a heart. i can turn away without faltering, rejesting the warm embrace of love that wants nothing more than to melt that iciness. i can be selfish, cruel, heartless and remain unmoving, unwilling to succumb to the gentleness of puppy love.

but at the same time, i can hurt and be shattered, have my life torn apart by dilemmas. i can cry over an emotional loss, no matter how small it is. i can break down and hide away in dark corners, praying that life will be better. guilt can haunt me for long when i affest those i care about. i can be loyal and faithful to those i trust- warm and sensitive and even gentle. i can love those unwilling to be loved by me, those clearly out of my reach. the solid ice lodged in my chest can shatter and cut myself when i try to pick them up.

i can feel jaded, powerless, wanting nothing more than someone who will hold me tight when i cry myself to sleep, wiping the tears away with his kisses.

i can be selfish, cruel, heartless and remain unmoving, unwilling to succumb to the heart that wants to be melted.

Confused? Then why did you even start reading?