it's been one helluva a month.

china was alright. not terribly exciting except for the weather which i adored to bits. Beijing was freezing so by the time i hit shanghai, it wasn't horribly cold. it was actually bearable. i do like Beijing a lot better. it's richer in history as compared to shanghai and there were less people around, which meant less pushing and shoving and definitely less smelly.

it's true. people there don't bathe everyday. urgh....

it was nice. to get away and catch up on all that sleep. yes, i slept on the bus all the time. apparantly, my head once hit the window so hard that i startled my younger sister who was sitting behind me. yet, i slept through it. in my brother's words, i went 'slack-jawed for a while' and he thought i might have passed out.

back in singapore, my liver is absolutely hating me from all the parties. i'm a little worn out and sick now. need.. rest...

too many "moments" in the morning. too many times.

i'm tired. the timing of the break cldn't be better. i think. i'll probably miss R's last day at Howl while making out with winter in China. but the time away to take in stress from the family is better than work stress and stress from myself.

just wanna drown myself in music and shut out the world around me. don't need offers of hugs. don't need offers of gobstoppers or assasinations just to make me feel better.

i've got Him. what more can i ask for? ok, fine, ODing on Under Pressure and Ice Ice Baby back to back makes me think of.. nvm. sigh.

suddenly taiwan next year end doesn't sound very tempting anymore. wanna take a trip back to SF. or head over to chicago instead. and pop by the city of Jazz (Kansas City, here i come!).

yes, i'm already discussing hol plans with mouse. beg of may, we'll hit ozzie land and late nov, we're going to US. i just wanna get away even though my flight to the land of peking duck and xiao long baos is just 2 days away. i.. sigh. just having another moment i guess. i need to stop ODing on those two songs. they make me almost sad.

finally updated the stog. but i know a lot of people don't actually go there.. so here's what i updated on there:

Hush

Do you know the Lord that I know?

He's the one who hears you cry

He's the one who watches when you crash and burn

He's the one who lets you fail

He's the one who hears you pray

He's the one that after all is said and done,

Picks you up and holds you His arms

And say,

Hush, my child, get up once more

The world is watching, the world will fall

Things will come and things will go

But I've never left you through it all

Though you falter, though you bleed

Through all your suffering, you will see

I am in control, I've got it all planned

Just see all I've fulfilled, so trust in Me

Do you know the Lord that I know?

He's the one who gives sight

He's the one who healed the sick with His touch

He's the one who drank the cup

The one who bleed at Calvary

The one who lived again that the world may know

That those who love Him may hear Him say

Hush, my child, get up once more
The world is watching, the world will fall
Things will come and things will go
But I've never left you through it all
Though you falter, though you bleed
Through all your suffering, you will see
I am in control, I've got it all planned
Just see all I've fulfilled, so trust in Me

- SK (c)

ok, updates on the piano tuning.. it was a failure. my strings are all rusty so Nair told me to forget the piano and just buy a new one.

so number one on my shopping list is a keyboard. i really shldn't be spending anymore money. so after my spree at F21, it's no more shopping until for christmas which i'm getting a head start on this year. the shoes and bags will have to wait 'til i hit the lovely city of shanghai.

ok, i need to get my walking shoes too. i'm not going to let my toes freeze in the canvas sneakers in china. you kidding me? i refuse to fall sick when i shld be enjoying the winter.

to my girls, no more shopping trips. let's go to marmalade pantry or canele for cakes and tea!! i seriously miss all that. :P

*****
random note of the day: lovin' billy joel right now. damn, i adore my ah pa and his incredible taste in music.

i hate it when Straits Times gives away my secrets. so i'm gonna screech now..

LEAVE HATM ALONE! IT'S MINE!

i don't quite care that the band always ask the crowd to tell their friends abt the place. it's mine! ok, i do tell my friends. but i'm selfish that way. it's my place!!

drinks are NOT good. the electric chair i was subjected to? sweet. since when did vodka shots become sweet? the only decent drinks are the beers. but the atmosphere. everyone sings along. everyone claps along. everyone dances with the band. not gyrating dumb-ass i-too-cool dance. it's the bird-in-the-egg-in-the-nest-on-the-leaf-on-the-twing-on-the-branch-on-the-tree-in-the-woods-in-a-hole-and-the-green-grass-grows-all-around.

and i love the band. i don't wanna share them. so what if jamie is an idiot? i forgive him 'cos he's just so darn incredibly talented. the last i wrote about him, i said, "of course, it helped that Jamie was absolutely charming and plays damn a lot of instruments: piano, guitar (electric/acoustic/bass), drums, keyboard, saxaphone, trumpet, clarinet. ok fine, the recorder too. with his nose!"

add harmonica to it. and i love him as lead on the acapella of "For the Longest Time". he did "Don't Stop Believing" for me despite having played "Open Arms" just a few minutes ago. i didn't even ask for the song. i just said, "Journey". the dude knows how to make me happy. he did "Faithfully" later and smiled at me.

it's not just Jamie. i love Amy. i love Scott. i love Randy. i love Jevon.

Jevon is an absolute sweetheart despite dedicating a verse of the kitty song to me. he helped make Ah Pa's birthday a blast. he gave Foo 2 free beers on his birthday. he was such a sweetie during his breaks when i bumped into him. and that return salute from him on stage even though i was among the crowds? *grin*

HATM, thank you for making another bud's birthday a blast. Guns and Roses' "Sweet Child of Mine"? Rage against the Machine's "Killing in the name" without the key-tair but Jamie slaying everyone on the guitar?? Absolute rocking. i love ya all!

P.S: if you're just gonna sit there and be embarrassed about singing out loud, cheering and dancing to "joy to the world", HATM is not your place. it's my place, with my B's, S's and W's. :)

weird moments in the office are a norm. we always try to get past them eventually but some moments just trail off to god-knows-what. i'm still quite amused.

D: Yeap.... u can buy me the next time!!!
Me: erm
Me: i dun wanna buy yooouuuuu
D: Haha... u can't afford my charge-out rate! hahahaaha......
Me: it's ok.
Me: i don't wan...........
D: hahah... then whose u prefer? haha....i can recommend...
Me: i dun waaannnnnt
D: haha... sound like a small gal being traumatized!
Me: i'm feeling a bit traumatized..

yar. the wonders of silent communication in office. periods galore. and believe it or not, this was sparked off by a trip to starbucks. after that, our specks of conversation somehow linked back to charge-out rates and the cousins.

ah well.. getting past the moment. :P

During Dec 2001, Ally McBeal had a christmas episode. the town mayor decided to do away with the usual christmas parade as he felt that it was not apt, given the grief of the nation just abt 3 months ago.

John Cage brought a case against the mayor and fought for the parade and rallied the people. some were adamant for they felt the same way as the mayor. then John said, "It's not a year for skipping Christmas."

and he was right. they went ahead with the christmas parade. i bawled my eyes down as i watched the firemen and police who prob had a part at ground zero march past the people holding up candles, remembering the lives lost.

christmas decor is up early this year in Singapore. some say it's the retailers' way of getting people to spend and indulge in retail therapy before the slump hits us hard.. pumping money into the income cycle of the local economy.. i guess that's true.

but a little naive part of me believes that someone somewhere wanted to just remind people that you need Christmas because it's just a festival of joy.. it's possibly even bigger than our independance day.

surely a day to remember the greatest gift of all that brings joy and hope in the midst of uncertainty and despair is what we need now. a simple reminder to all believers that all this will pass away away, the good and the bad. but one thing is eternal: the relationship with our God. one thing is true: the love of our Father. one thing is certain: He'll come back and call us to Him and we'll be in that place once again.

Peace on earth and mercy mild, God and sinners reconcile.

51 days to go and counting. Yet Lord i pray, help me to always remember You, christmas or not, of what You've done and the promises You have given me to get through the darkest of dark and brightest of bright all my days.

who knew that this weekend would have been so fantastic?


birthday drinks with Dan and the crew at the new "Howl at the Moon" with the amazing band. of course, it helped that Jamie was absolutely charming and plays damn a lot of instruments: piano, guitar (electric/acoustic/bass), drums, keyboard, saxaphone, trumpet, clarinet. ok fine, the recorder too. with his nose!

anyhoo, we had crazy fun, laughing, singing along and letting the band entertain us as we entertained them as well. let's just say that i like it when the band engages me in subtle ways, be it a wink, funny gestures or just a knowing smile.

saturday night, i met with the dbters. let's just say we all had achy stomachs by the 3rd round of 3 Kings of little men and giants. had a chance to catch up with old friends and just chat.. of course.

sunday night, it was out at Z's place with the crazy gym staff again, all decked out. with J mixing the drinks as usual, him hi-5ing me 'cos we're both equally awesome people with regards to drinks. plus all the food and all. nice.

thankiew for the memories and for the week well-rested. thank you. :)

it's the case of the itchy feet... that despite the nauseaus sensation welling up in the pits of the stomach (which is finally gone!!) and the giddiness (still there..) since saturday, i still wanna be doing things on my feet.

i've got gym on my mind.

i finally went back last night. did the usual strength set of 3x15 circuit. next time round, i'm going back to fatigue training. much faster. more efficient. i will go back to the days of benching 30 kg with dumbbells, not barbell, mind you. back to the days of doing reverse crunches for a minute without feeling like i'm gonna die.

it's not a girl power thing. sure, i used to get a kick out of watching the guys stare at me when i deadlift with 38 kg or shoulder press 15kg in total. not that guys can't do it. just that a lot of girls can't. fine, i get all the ribbing like, "you can do more pull-ups than me!!" (i cld do two at my peak). but the guys know that they don't mess with me. lol

i've got travel on my mind.

just so i can be caught up in a whirlwird romance of falling in love with a new country. or falling back in love with an "old flame". to lose my way in the hills or quiet streets and find a treasure trove of yummilicious pancakes and caramelized bananas swimming in golden maple syrup.

yes, i still miss pancake parlor. a lot. i just have no mood to make my own pancakes and caramelize the bananas when i'm just concentrating on waking up.

i've got dance on my mind.

be it waltzing across the dance floor or side stepping to the infectious cha-cha beats. even gliding to rumba notes or just plain boogie-ing to the dj. i miss all the quick steps and spinning and the slow deliberate shift of weight.

i wanna let the music wash over me once more, to let that knowing gentleman lead, protect and guide me across the floor. or just dancing the night away with my friends, forgetting all the crazy stuff that surrounds us in the world.



oh dear feet, when will you stop itching?
**
random note of the day: i finally cut my hair! it's a lot lighter now. William never fails to be astounded by my crazy ass hair. :P

i miss this.

i miss sitting in starbucks, doing my work, then occasionally looking up to watch the world go round outside the glass panes trapping the air-conditioning on a crazy hot sunday morning. it's just a 1.5 hour break in between the crazy housewhole chores while the younger bro has his tuition nearby.

soft strands of jazz music float around lazily while the scent of fresh roasted coffee beans being ground to espresso diffuses the air, accompanied by the blueberry muffin or cinnamon croissant from the oven. i find the sound of the espresso churning and the milk steaming to be really comforting. familiar sounds.. ah. nostalgia. from the corner of my eye, i see a stranger share a space at the sofa with another stranger.

replace the work with a good book and i'd be in seventh heaven. but as the macchiato finally drains from the bitter espresso to the sweet latte at the bottom, i'm shaken back to reality that life isn't all peaches and cream.

time to go stationery shopping. so i can finish up my work in the afternoon at home after more housework. sigh.

bye, starbucks on a lazy sunday late morning early noon. may we meet again.

another rough patch, accompanied with the usual thunderstorm, lightning and inconsiderate cars splashing water on you as they drive past really quickly. a whole month of three different states of insomnia ain't peachy too. you're still physically tired, mentally exhausted and emotionally drained.

it is absolutely miserable when you just miss the people* you care about.

so when that overwhelming feeling was released in prob the most apt moment, i paused in the dead of the night, standing by the road, drenched and make-up ruined from rain or tears (i cldn't tell by then) 'cos the damn umbrella is just plain pointless in the storm.

and i thanked Him.

that even in this shit, He provides relief in small familiar ways. i still remember the childish joy i got from running and playing in the rain. literally dancing too. and whenever something got too big for me, i cried. it's a natural reaction to pain. your nerves and brain still tell you that what's hurting you is still there. but crying acknowledges that you're hurt. simple acknowledgement provides relief that denial can never.

so in that weirdass combination of rain and tears, i found relief. impeccable timing on His part?

I promise you, I'm always there

when your heart is filled with sadness and despair

I'll carry you when you need a friend

you'll find My footprints in the sand

- Leona Lewis "Footprints in the sand"

sometimes all we need is a little reminder of the Big Guy watching over you. i've found His footprints after crawling blindly.

**********

*i didn't intend to post anything tonight. but i just wanted to thank the random people who might have prayed for me or thought of praying for me throughout my month of insomnia. whether to God or their own religious figures.

i appreciate the fact that you thought of me.

strangely, it's the NC peeps who seem to care more. they do regular checks. and when i sent a simple sms the other day, gratitude smses came in bundles. and they seem to remember bits of my life more. like i'd get smses that make me think, "omigosh, they remembered that i was gonna scrub the toilet this weekend?"

not a case of we-see-each-other-24/7/365. hardly, in fact. i rarely see them nowadays. but they know more abt my current life than others. i don't intentionally withhold info from others. it's just.. when something happens to me, i just feel like they'd be there for me more. and they show their care. i never have to assume that they care. i know it. i see it.

to be honest, i never expected these people to care so much. i never expected to be so crazily in love with them. of course they have their piss-me-off moments. but it's ever so rare. i appreciate little things like no last-minute notices. if they know the situation may warrant a last-min notice, they let me know of that beforehand. it's these little things which make me know that they care.

i don't agree with their take on life most times. how they chose to live a life of rebellion. but it touches me that they seem to live rightly, more "rightly" than others, even me at times.

it's like the "Trouble waking up the next day after a heavy night of drinks? Pepp keeps you fresh and alert" advertisement on an insomia-affected girl's facebook wall. Dead irony. sigh.

one of 'em photo trips at raffles place

the term "eye candy" (aka EC) seems lost on a lot of people. like when i tell people i have an EC, the questions they ask seem to suggest that i like the guy. but i don't. i just like his looks.

during a period of my schooling days, there was a particular grp of ECs who made studies a little more bearable. of course my friends were a large factor in making the whole experience bearable. but these guys added to the "nice-to-rest-eyes-on" factor.

of course, i actually knew most of them like hi-bye acquaintances. i wonder if they knew that i found them physically attractive. it's just me. i can find someone physically attractive but not go ga-ga dewy eyed over them. in fact, i put them down teasingly just like i do with any other guy. they never get special treatment.

yar, if i tease you about your looks, it's due to the fact that i do it to every guy, physically attractive or not.

part of me realized that they probably know that they are more attractive than your average guy. their egos can take a beating from just one girl. they probably need it with their "groupies" fanning their pride all the time.

to be honest, i liked one of my ECs. and he broke my heart. like shatter-piang-piang-sob-sob-piang broken. i was too 'fresh' and naive to realize the shit that i had created for myself. it wasn't mutual. i was setting myself up for teenage love-drama-angst moments which just accentuated my retardness as a little girl. (ok, fine, not so little. i was 19.)

pretty much affirms damned cliches like "a world without love is a world without pain".

so like i said, after a long drought of nearly 5 years (ok, there were some who lasted as temporary ECs for a few days), the Big Guy up there provided proper relief. eye candy and ear candy in one. if i had to think of a candy, he's like one of 'em serious big-momma-diabetic-inducing-round-spiral joy candified on a stick. yes, i love 'em big-momma lollies.

i don't know he does it, but he doesn't look dorky when he tucks his polo into his jeans. maybe it's 'cos his jeans sit low. maybe i'm just dead biased. do you believe that i thought he was just a random good looking guy i just happen to have a lost connection with at breadtalk one random morning?

and he's maintaining a goatee!! no, i do NOT have a follicle obsession. i just happen to be impressed if a guy can carry off a goatee well.

but yes, he makes being at the client's place a little more bearable. 'cos i really miss my fellow retards at the production line. i spent the morning with them and omigosh, i was just so grateful for their insanity. they know abt EC. in fact, they've been ribbing me abt "follow-up" actions.

i can't. i won't. he's just an EC. and i don't even wanna know if there's mutual attraction or it's just one-sided. i've gotta be beyond retarded to do that to me again. like i said. i'm fine. REALLY.
plus, who would wanna date their consultant who's from an audit firm?
*******
Random thoughts of the day:

1. after ogling for far too long.. i bought my first lomo camera! ok, i put in an order for a Holga 120GN in a holga spree. along with a multicolor flash and 35mm adapter. let's start small. i'll get the 35mm sprocket adapter and fisheye lens another time. i can't blow my expenditure budget. when i get it, let's go shooting!

2. Bory is an alarm clock. she growls at 11 am. LOUDLY. Jasmine is highly amused by it. i'm just glad one of us is.

3. at 1955 hrs, last day of sept, i typed "shipping" as "shopping". minor mistake ("i" is next to "o" on the keyboard dey..) as compared to my "nebit dotes". but when i saw "shopping", i wanted to crumble and die. i can't wait to go shopping proper..

4. i've exhausted myself. i'm not physically drained but i have no mood to drag my poor multilated emotionally and mentally drained crap wedged in the cervicles of my skull to think more. i wanna run away to redang. NOW. drag my guitar man and leave tomorrow to never come back. like find me a way to sneak to Monaco to live forever and ever.

i am seriously exhausted.

from the shopping in the morning, the work in the middle, then the kitchen after that.. and finally serving the peeps to cleaning up after that. yes, this "little princess" is strangely domesticated.

but it was great fun to be back in the kitchen. the pots and pans, the sound of the crackling pork thrown into oil, the scent of olive oil floating dreamily around and snacking on cherry tomates, baby carrots and mushrooms while cooking. then finally, the faces of contentment as the party tucks in.

exhausting. but i could live to do this. to just cook, wash, clean and serve others all day long. sure, i'm absolutely knackered but it's just.. i don't know. amazing fun. i could do this for the rest of my life: host house parties.

plus Dan had his "101-Qns" game which entertains us to no end. hey, we seriously learn more about each other this way too. i need to write down all his questions and use them at another gathering. ahahaha.

thank you, guys, for letting me host ya all. you guys are awesome. :)